《Dying to be thin》Chapter 14
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The morning after I woke up in hospital, I had thought properly about what had happened. How could I trust Mason and Jodie so easily? How could I believe that all they are going to do will be good for me? I couldn't. As far as I was concerned all they had said so far had been lies. I didn't think about it properly yesterday but now I decided that it would be best for me to not trust anyone for a long time because the last time I did this, coincidentally with the same people, it had ended up in a suicide attempt which I no longer wish was an attempt. I'd rather have just gone. I grabbed my iPod and put my earphones in, sweater weather by the neighbourhood came on. This song always made me feel a bit better about myself and the lyrics are relateable. It's too cold for me here, on this earth, the harsh winds of everyone's comments push me back down anytime I try and pick myself up. I didn't want to get better, I wanted to rip the tubes out of me and stop this pain, why are they trying to keep me alive when all I want to be is the opposite?
I turned to the side to see a jacket and a piece of paper left on the chair Mason was sitting on. I sat up and reached for the note.
Hey beautiful,
I thought you might get cold whilst you're in here so I left my jacket. I have took your mum shopping, we're only across the road, she just didn't want to go on her own! I hope you feel better today, we won't be long.
Mason x
I picked up his jacket carefully and pressed it against my face, it smelt exactly like him. Was I catching feelings for him? Every time he walked into a room I automatically smiled, I didn't intend to. His voice made me feel warm inside and his jaw line was perfect. The way he spoke made me feel like all society hadn't been brainwashed. He was articulate and perfect. His favourite band was The 1975, my favourite song by them is probably Girls, he told me that songs like that made him think about how much I stood out. Why did he say these things to me? Was it so he could just string me along and then drop me again, maybe it was his way of making sure I did die instead of attempting suicide and failing. That's all I ever did, fail. I didn't want to get better or to see anyone, I wanted to be on my own. Why was everyone making such a big fuss over me now, no one cared before. I didn't matter to anyone else, I didn't even matter to myself.
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A nurse walked in, "Ready for breakfast Lauren?"
"I'm not hungry." I replied.
"Well unfortunately we've been told we have to feed you at all times because of the state you're in right now," she said whilst hooking up the liquidised hell to the tube, she then walked out whilst shouting, "shout me if you need anything."
What I needed was for everyone to leave me alone and to not feed me when I didn't want to be fed. I ripped the tube from out of me and pouring blood followed. I pushed my hand against it but slowly drifted back to sleep.
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