《Dying to be thin》Chapter 16

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Whilst eating, I was engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth and when I talked myself into doing so, I tasted only shame. I didn't eat the whole meal, I ate as much as I could and as my mum took the plate out of my fragile hands, she told me how proud she was. For a moment I felt warm inside, I turned to Mason as he said "Good job baby! I'm so proud of you." I think I loved him. I don't know what love feels like from a man. I never had a father figure or any uncles or male cousins I was close to. Masons eyes shone so bright and expressed emotion better than any words could ever do. He didn't have to be here looking after me but he was and I really was grateful for that. He told me when I was reading vogue that 'even the models in the magazines wish they could look like their own images.' and that really hit me. hard. I had been spending so much time imagining what it would be like to have a body like that, that I didn't realise how much editing had actually been done to make these girls look like this.

A nurse walked in and pulled mum out of my room, I thought nothing of it until she came back in.

"What was it about mum?"

"Lauren, the tests and scans they have done show that you have signs of both anorexia and bulimia and they believe that it may take longer for you to recover but, no matter how many times you feel like you're failing, just remember that you're doing better than those who aren't trying."

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Great, so everyone knew, I was a weak sixteen year old girl who couldn't bare to be seen as I am and tried so hard to be everything I am not. My mum also had paper which was stapled together in her hand. I asked her what it was for and she handed it to me, "It's from the psychiatric nurse, she wants you to fill it in and give it back to her as soon as possible."

Mason pulled open a draw and got a pen, "I'll fill it in and you tell me the answers, yes?"

"yes."

One of the questions was 'Have you had a definite desire to have an empty stomach with influence to change your weight or body shape?' Normally, I wouldn't tell anyone the answers but I had a connection with Mason that I had never felt before. I felt safe around him, I felt like I knew him and no matter what type of danger I was in then he would always be there for me and it wouldn't matter what time of day.

After we finished the survey, my mum took it back to the nurse and said goodbye as she had to go to work. Around five minutes after she left, Mason pulled something from under my bed, "I have a surprise for you." he spoke in his husky voice. He pulled a guitar out of it's case and started playing. He wrote a song for me, an extremely attractive popular boy wrote a song for me. He began to sing 'I won't give up' by James Mraz. I had never heard him sing before, the soft rasp of his voice tied itself around my heart and let tears fall from my eyes. I loved this boy. I was going to make it, for him.

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