☁️☁️

i was waiting patiently for jungkook when he was talking to the nurse at the counter, asking for my mom's ward.

when he was done, he turned around and put his hand on my shoulder.

"i'm okay. which way do we need to go?" i said as soon as possible, preventing jungkook from saying anything just because of my expression.

"don't tell me you're okay when you clearly don't look okay..." he said.

he's right.

i'm not okay.

even though i had decided to stop trying to be her daughter, i still don't feel okay.

even though she made me feel lonely all my life and treated me like i was the one hindrance in her life, even though i'm her only daughter and she told me she would only be attending my wedding as a guest and nothing more, even though the only person in the world she cares about is herself...

and yet i'm forced to come to the hospital for her.

i suddenly feel like shedding tears.

"mom...how could you do this?!" i asked as soon as jungkook and i entered the ward that the nurse told earlier.

"stop overreacting and lower your voice." she said.

"i'm overreacting?! were you really trying to kill yourself?! weren't you living the life you've always wanted?!" i yelled, feeling upset by her statement.

i have disappeared from her life. so what else?

"who said i was trying to kill myself? i haven't been sleeping well lately, so i just took a bit more medicine than i should have. stop yelling."

why is she so calm talking about this?

"why? why were you having trouble sleeping?" i asked, calmer than before.

she said nothing.

"um...are you ms. kim's daughter?" a male voice suddenly approached us.

i turned around to see a middle-aged man. he just coming out from the toilet, holding a towel in his hand.

"are you mr. jeong hyeon-cheol? the man i spoke with on the phone?" jungkook asked, bowing to him.

"yes, that's right."

jeong hyeon-cheol? i've never seen him before. he's probably one of my mom's colleagues.

"hello, i'm ms. kim's son-in-law, jeon jungkook." jungkook introduced himself.

"it's nice to meet you. i hope i didn't make you worry too much about your mother. i must've given you quite the scare." mr. jeong told me.

"what? ah, i'm fine." i said.

"i'm relieved to hear it."

"ms. kim woke up about twenty minutes after i called. i wondered if i had maybe jumped the gun and overreacted, but i figured you would already be on your way. i thought you might want to see her in person and confirm for yourself that she's all right, so i didn't reach out again." he said.

"yes, thank you for contacting me."

"if you could please wait a moment...she wanted to freshen up since she just woke up. she didn't want you to see her like this."

huh?

"i'll do it. please give me the towel..."

mom must feel uncomfortable if someone else is taking care of her. especially if that person is a man.

"it's all right. i've got it." he smiled.

mr. jeong started to wipe the damp towel on my mom's neck.

"what are you doing, mr. jeong? my arms work just fine. please give it here." my mom softly said.

"let me do it. just stay still."

both jungkook and i just watched the scene in front of us silently. this is so awkward to see them like that.

"mr. jeong, we'll just wait outside then." jungkook said, knowing the atmosphere is quite weird in here.

"ah, yes. that would be great. please wait a moment. let's have a cup of tea afterwards." mr. jeong said.

-

the car ride to our home is silent.

"jungkook...was the woman mr. jeong was talking about really my mother?" i asked, watching the night view.

"i'm sorry. i believe i'm to blame for ms. kim's insomnia." mr. jeong said after a while.

there're just the three of us. mr. jeong, jungkook and i, talking about the woman inside the room whom i called mom.

"what...?" i asked. why is he sorry though?

"as soon as i saw her, i knew she was my soulmate. not wanting to lose her, it seems my actions had unwittingly been putting pressure on her. i would really like for my relationship with her to continue to grow."

"with my mother...? how? what exactly is it that you like about her?"

mr. jeong was a bit taken aback but he laughed it off.

"i can see that you take after your mother. you cut right to the chase. ms. kim is..."

"that was the first time someone had ever described her as an affectionate woman. and what? she's clumsy? mr. jeong must be mistaken." i said, remembering what the middle-aged man said earlier.

"from what i've seen, i think he saw correctly..." jungkook said.

i turned at him and intentionally yelled, "it's because you don't really know my mother, jungkook. you have no idea how cold-blooded she is!"

i sighed.

my mom?

an affectionate woman?

when i was hospitalised with pneumonia, when i slipped on the stairs and broke my leg, and even when i had to file a report at the police station for sexual harassment, she was never there for me.

it was taehyung's mom who stayed by my side.

someone as cold and selfish as my mom couldn't be affectionate.

she just can't.

i was able to survive because i knew that she was cold and selfish to everyone, so it didn't matter that i never got the love and care that other kids got.

i thought that she'd stay alone forever because she didn't want to be with anyone.

but what was that earlier at the hospital?

i had never seen her like that.

she looked far from cold.

"mr. jeong seemed like a good man. it's probably better for her to be with someone than to be lonely and alone. are you disappointed?" jungkook asked.

"no. why would i be? she has nothing to do with me now. i'm fine. it's all right." i said, not looking at him.

-

☁️☁️

chaeyoung walked ahead of me as soon as we arrived at our home.

"chaeyoung." i called out.

no response from her. did she not hear me calling? she just kept walking as if i wasn't there.

"park chaeyoung." i turned her around and quickly lift her up, carrying her bridal style.

she became startle.

"what...what are you doing?! put me down!" she shouted.

"i'll put you down once we're inside. i'm just worried you might fall." i casually said while walking towards the main door.

"what do you mean? i'm a fully grown adult. i can walk on my own."

"i know, but...these are the only types of things i can do for you...since i don't know how to comfort you when you always say you're fine and all right."

i know you're sad, chae. eyes don't lie.

but then, she started to cry.

"erm, darling, i know that you tend to cry a lot. but if you cry out here like this..." i said.

other people will misinterpret.

she grabbed my shirt and cried harder. she rested her head on my shoulder.

she changed her position with me between her legs. i patted her back as i carried her and we entered our home.

"why am i crying? you can put me down now." she said, looking at me while sniffling.

i put her down.

"don't your arms hurt? i was heavy, wasn't i?" she asked, rubbing her wet eyes.

"maybe it's because i was carrying two people..." i laughed, stretching my hands. i tried to lighten up the atmosphere.

she plopped on the couch and said, "i don't really cry a lot. i really don't."

"then is doo-jool the crybaby?" i jokingly asked.

"that's right. doo-jool is the crybaby." she said.

i sat beside her and put my arm over her shoulder, "yes, maybe that's it." softly patting her.

"i think i was about four...mom said she had to go somewhere. and my dad, who was supposed to come home early to watch me, came home after dark. they began to fight as usual." chaeyoung started to open up.

i love it when she started to share her story with me. it's like this is how it supposed to be since we're husband and wife.

i can't mess up. i don't want to ruin this moment for her.

i listened to her carefully.

"their shouting scared me, so i burst into tears. instead of stopping, that only made them fight louder and harder. after that, whenever i wanted to cry, i would just clench my teeth and hold it in...since i knew crying wouldn't solve anything." she continued.

chaeyoung has been through a lot.

i'm glad that i was the one by her side when she felt vulnerable like this.

i kept listening to her.

"my mom and dad rushed into marriage when my mom became pregnant with me, and during their short-lived marriage, they furiously fought and then got divorced. they cited 'irreconcilable differences' as the reason for their divorce, but it was just a fancy way to say they hated each other." she said, playing with her hand.

"after my dad left, it was just me and my mom. i...wouldn't say i was abused or anything. mom just lived her life and i just lived mine. besides feeling really lonely at time, it wasn't that bad. i had taehyung, his mom, and jennie...i thought i was done hoping and wishing things were different with my mom...i thought i was done caring...but..." she started to shed tears.

i patted her again.

"i'm going to try really, really hard. but i might be lacking as a mother to doo-jool. i'll work harder. don't worry. i...might even be lacking as a wife too." she added, resting her head on my shoulder.

i grabbed her hand and said, "i'd say you weren't lacking at all earlier before that phone call..."

"what? are you talking about what we were doing before we went to the hospital...?" she turned to look at me.

"yes, that. you were quite bold, chaeyoung." i nodded.

it's like they were two different people.

the situation became silent.

i expected a smack from chaeyoung since i brought this up during a serious conversation.

but i can't help it. i really wanted to tell her that she's a great wife to me and a great mother to doo-jool.

i definitely messed up this time.

"hm, why aren't you saying anything? i'm sorry. i know you were being serious, and i tried to make a joke-"

she cut me off by landing a soft kiss on my lips.

the passionate kiss became harder and she sat on my lap.

"chaeyoung..." what is she doing? is she trying to seduce me?

"let's go to bed."

-

☁️☁️

something along the way, things changed. now when we touch, my anxiety disappears and a calm washes over me.

i thought maybe i wanted to rely on him because i was getting weak, so i tried to reject those feelings.

but i finally recognised them for what they were.

feelings of trust and love for jungkook.

i like that he knows even when i don't say it in words. i'm thankful that he recognises that i'm not okay even if i say i am.

i'm overwhelmed with love for him, for this man who lets me cry.

jungkook softly landed both of us on the bed.

"wait, chaeyoung...i might-"

"jungkook. i love you." i hugged him tightly.

my heart is beating so fast as i said that. i'm so nervous that i don't think of the consequences.

yeah, he can reject me.

but, i don't care. i don't want to repeat the same mistake when i was in love with taehyung.

now, i have jungkook, i need to express this feeling before it's too late.

i could hear every beat of his heart. of our hearts.

he hugged me back, squeezing me in his arms.

"i love you. i love you, chaeyoung."

i was not expecting that, to be honest.