For a good few seconds I forgot to breathe. I was just standing there feeling very naked all of a sudden. Mechanically I walked over to the kitchen isle to grab a towel and clean myself up. There was this sudden urge to take a long shower washing away this sensation of dirtiness. But at the same time an even stronger feeling took over, so I rushed to where my clothes lay scattered on the floor, dressed and headed to the nursery. I just had to hold my daughter right now as she was my greatest source of solace. Careful not to make too much noise, I entered the room on tiptoes. There, in her white crib, she lay with her arms and legs spread out, snoozing evenly and peacefully. I know it was selfish and I'd probably wake her, but in this moment I just had to hold her in my arms, so I reached down, wrapped her little body up in her pink blanket like a burrito before picking her up. Maddy scrunched up her nose, her lower lip started to quiver but she neither woke up nor started to cry. Slowly, I sat down in the rocking chair and put her in the gap between my thighs. She was still just so small, my little peanut, but overall she'd already come a long way. Her skin was no longer translucent and Hunter and I had long overcome our fear of handling her normally. So far there had been no complications, not with the oxygen saturation, the feeding, no seizures or developmental issues, thank God. Madison defied all the odds, she was born a fighter. I bend down to press a kiss to her forehead. She just yawned and carried on sleeping. With my left index finger I traced the outlines of her slightly parted lips and got lost in thought. I wasn't sure Hunter ever understood how traumatized I felt after her birth. I had had the worst pregnancy. Nearly lost my eyesight. Then, when my blood pressure fell to an extremely dangerous level, they'd just rolled me into the next operating theatre and cut her out of me. When I opened my eyes again, I didn't even know what had happened. They had started the baby on formula before I could even decide on whether I wanted to breastfeed or not. I admit that a couple of times, when I was alone with her, I had thought about trying out nursing to see if she latched on. But each time I dismissed the idea as stupid; I'd probably never even produced milk. All of this made me endlessly sad and I wondered if my relationship with my daughter was as close as those of other mothers. Surely, I loved her with all my heart but I couldn't stop wondering about these things. My husband never seemed to get me. He was just happy he got both of us home alive and healthy. I draw in a sharp breath. Our first time in months and he did that to me. I felt rage bubble up inside me. I couldn't stand the thought of him right now. And speaking of the devil, the door opened and Hunter walked in wearing shorts and a basic white t-shirt. With his phone in hand he sat down on the bed opposite me. I furrowed my brows and glared daggers at him. "Mom called. She asks if she can come by tomorrow," he spoke casually looking at the screen instead of me. Lynette, right. I had forgotten that days ago she had offered to come stay with us for a while and help out with the baby. "Is that ok?," I heard his low sultry voice and he looked up at me. "Yeah," I replied dryly. "You sure?" he double checked. "Yes. I mean she hasn't seen Maddy yet and it's real nice of her to offer help so..." Admittedly, the timing wasn't the best but Lynn was about the sweetest person and mother-in-law I could've hoped for so I wouldn't uninvited her just because we were fighting. Hunter typed in a text and I stared over there trying to telepathically make him leave. I wanted to be alone and couldn't stand his sight right now. "Look, I'm sorry about earlier but I don't think you understand -" "I'm not fighting in front of her," I cut him short. "I don't wanna fight, I'm talking." I clenched my jaw muscles and looked away. He went on: "In the hospital, when that machine you were hooked up to beeped in alarm –" His voice cracked which made me face him again. He tried to clear his throat. "And they rushed you out - ." Another pause. His gaze dropped to the floor. "A part of me died that day. I can't imagine having to go on without you - let alone with a little one." The way he looked at me was so hard to bear. I saw his pain and it broke the wall I had up. Yet, I couldn't just let it go. "It wasn't easy for me either. Everything. I practically didn't have a pregnancy." Saying those words, the memories came back. "I faint... and the next thing I know I'm supposed to be a mother." A single tear came down from my left eye; I was quick to wipe it off. "Maybe next time it will be normal," I muttered to myself. "We don't have to decide on that right now, do we?""No."