I spend the next four days avoiding Xan, not that it's really that hard since before I was the one that always sought him out anyway. The amount of times I've ran into Jax is way too high for someone who walked in on me having sex, but he remembers my name every single time we talk now so that's an improvement I guess. It oddly doesn't bring me the satisfaction I thought it would but I think that may be due to my disappointment in Xan. I hadn't realize how much of my day was consumed by Xan until it wasn't, he had taken over my thoughts without me even noticing.

I miss his random texts, the selfies he would send me and the smile he always brought to my face. It's weird going from seeing and talking to someone every day to not seeing or talking to them at all. I want to talk to him, I know we weren't in a relationship so I want to let him know where my head is but I can't. If my heart hurts this much after only a few weeks with him I can't imagine how crushed I'd be if things went south between us after a few months. We weren't even exclusive and I've spent most of the last four days sobbing in my bed with Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter playing on repeat.

Tayen hid my headphones last night and I decided today would be the day I got over Xan. After cheer practice I made sure to dress up for class more than I normally would and I styled my hair into two bubble braids instead of pulling it back in my usual ponytail. Even though I felt cute on the inside it didn't actually make me feel any better on the inside and just like the previous days since I left Xan's bed I search the crowded campus for a glimpse of him any time I can.

I push the door to the library open and inhale a lungful of air, the scent of wall to wall books filling my nose. I'm actually not a huge fan of reading for fun but I've always enjoyed studying in the library, it always has a soothing vibe that helps me focus. I pass the librarians desk and head toward the tables in the back where it's usually less crowded. As soon as I turn the corner I spot Jax's dark head of hair. He's sitting alone at one of the tables by the windows. Instead of avoiding him I walk over and to say hi because I know he will do the same when he notices me anyway.

"Hey, Lennon." He greets me with a smile, his eyes shining behind his black rimmed glasses.

"Hey." I reply and take a seat in the empty chair across from him. "I'm so ready for spring break."

I could really use a hug from my Mama right about now.

"Me too." He agrees. "Do you have any plans?"

I shake my head. "Just going home."

But I don't mind, even though I've lived on the farm my whole life I always love coming home. It never gets old.

"Same." He chuckles and I laugh lightly.

I unzip my backpack and remove my laptop, placing it on the table in front of me. Jax glances down at his hand as he traces a paragraph in his book with his finger tip.

He clears his throat and I watch as his cheeks tinge pink and his gaze meets mine. "So Lennon, are you busy tonight?"

I log into my computer. "No, just gonna go home and watch tv for a while after I leave here."

Normally I'd walk the dogs with Xan tonight but now that wouldn't be happening anymore. I'll miss Brutus but I could always visit him when Xan isn't working. What I'm not gonna do is go home and cry again. I don't even know how I have anymore tears left at this point.

"Would you want to go to to dinner with me?"

I pause and just stare at him, frozen for a solid minute. "Like... like a date?"

Surely not.

He smiles and then gives me a nod.

I bite my lip contemplating his question. This... this is what I'd been waiting for since freshman year but he always had a girlfriend and he never even remembered my name. Freshman Lennon would be screaming at me to go but... I don't know, it feels wrong now.

"Wait... aren't you dating Akira?"

"She broke up with me. She uh... we actually broke up the night I walked in on..." he scratches the back of his neck unable to finish his sentence.

"Oh." I mutter, knowing exactly what night he's talking about.

As if I could forget.

That's why he came home so soon after we did.

"Yeah." He sighs. "It doesn't have to be more than a date. I've always had a little bit of a crush on you, it's part of the reason why I have a hard time remembering your name. You make me nervous." He admits and my eyes widen and then I laugh.

I laugh so loud the librarian scolds me and I cover my mouth trying my best to get myself under control but it's hard. He's always had a crush on me, are you kidding! All that time I could've made a move and didn't, neither of us did! It's hilarious. Jax's face resembles a tomato and I feel bad for laughing but I can't help it.

"Jax, I've had a crush on you since I slipped in that puddle right in front of you freshman year." I giggle quietly, unable to fully contain it.

This time his eyes are the ones that widen. "Wait... really? Since freshman year?"

I nod. "Yes, you were so sweet to me and God, so cute. I tried to catch your eye for years afterward."

His lips quirk. "Well... damn." He lets out a quiet chuckle. "So you'll go on a date with me then?"

I chew on my lip. "I don't know don't you think it would be weird?"

His brow furrows. "Why?"

"You know... after walking in on... that with Xan..." I trail awkwardly.

"Oh." He clears his throat and adjusts his glasses. "Are you and Xan dating, I thought it was just a sexual relationship?"

"Oh no, definitely not dating!" I shake my head sharply.

And that only makes me feel worse about everything with him.

"Then no, I don't think it would be weird."

"Uh, okay. Yeah, I'll go on a date with you then." I agree.

Maybe he'll be able to keep my mind off Xan. Although I do think it is a little weird but maybe it's something they've dealt with before, I don't know. What I do know is I was dying to have this opportunity only a few months ago and I've finally gotten it, I can't turn that down over something that obviously means absolutely nothing to Xan.

Jax grins happily. "Good."

After that we work quietly for the rest of the time we spend in the library. I catch him staring at me a few times and each time I do he gives me a big smile in return. Before I leave the library we exchange numbers and decide on a time and place for our date. I'm going to treat this like I would've weeks ago. I won't think about Xan or the last few weeks, I'll be excited and dress up just like it's any other date I've been on.

"Tayen, guess what!" I exclaim as I enter the apartment and then I hear moans coming from her closed bedroom door. "Never mind." I laugh quietly and go to the bathroom to shower.

After my shower I get dressed in a sage green sweater tucked into a black skirt and my black cowboy boots. I straighten my hair and pull the top half up into an intricate braid and finish the look with some lip gloss.

When I step into the living room Ace and Tayen are on the couch watching tv.

"I'm worried about your lungs, Tay." I say with a smirk as I enter the room.

"Where are you going?" She arches an eyebrow at me. "Did you and Xan make up?"

I bite the inside of my cheek so I don't frown at the sound of his name. "I'm going on a date."

"With?"

"Jax." I reply nonchalantly as I slip on my coat.

"Jax as in Xan's best friend?" Ace asks in alarm.

Well when you put it that way it sounds bad.

"Lennon Rose Madison!" Tayen exclaims in a scolding tone sounding more like my Mama than she realizes.

I wince. "What?"

"You can't go on a date with him, you like Xan!" She demands.

I cross my arms and glare at her. "Not anymore."

Liar.

"You don't?" Ace asks, looking even more confused than before.

Tayen levels me with a serious stare. "If you do this you won't be able to take it back, you realize that right?"

I shift my feet, feeling uncomfortable over her question. "You mean do something that I've wanted to do since I met Jax?"

"That ship sailed the first time you let Xan in your pants and you damn well know it."

Doesn't she understand I'm trying to forget that. I don't need reminders.

"Xan likes my body! He likes the sexual aspect of our relationship and that's it!" I retort and saying the words out loud makes my chest ache painfully.

It's a hurtful statement even though I know it's true.

She arches an eyebrow at me. "Did he say that?"

"No, but he doesn't have to! His actions do! In the last four days has he come knocking on our door looking for me, questioning why I haven't responded to his texts or stopped by? No, he hasn't, not once and he stopped texting after I didn't reply to his second message."

If he cared I would've seen him by now. I haven't and that tells me all I need to know.

Tayen opens her mouth with a retort but I quickly cut her off. "None of this matters. I have to go or I'm going to be late." I stomp out of the apartment, fury burning in my veins the entire way to the diner around the block.

Tayen doesn't know Xan like I do. He obviously enjoys taunting me and playing games with me but that's it, if he were interested in me he wouldn't have went on a date. No, we weren't in a committed relationship but damn it I deserve more than that! I was still in his bed for Christ sake.

I rip open the door of the restaurant, startling a few people and spot Jax at a back booth. He gives me a smile and rises until I take the seat across from him.

"Hi." He says.

"Hey." I reply, my tone sharp.

He stares at me for a minute. "Are you okay?"

No, not really.

I muster up a smile. "Yeah, just hungry."

A server comes over to take our drink orders and then leaves to grab them. I scan the menu, finding the options lackluster compared to the many Korean meals Xan had introduced me to. He made broke college food ten times better than any restaurant around here, that's for sure.

"Do you cook?" I ask Jax curiously.

He laughs. "No. I burn water."

I let out a fake laugh so he doesn't feel bad. Not knowing how to cook isn't a con but it does give me a feeling of disappointment I wasn't expecting.

"Do you?" He turns the question around to me.

I nod. "Yeah. When I'm home we all take turns cooking so Mama doesn't do it all herself and it's a good skill to know for when we live on our own."

He shrugs. "I'll just eat out."

"Do you always eat out?"

"Yeah, unless Xan cooks something and shares with me but he works late most nights... as you know."

How does he afford that? Frequently eating outs adds up so quick.

The question must be visible on my face because he gives me a smile and says, "My family is well off, I got my trust fund when I turned twenty-one."

"Oh, that makes sense." I nod.

When money isn't a issue eating out every day is no problem I guess.

"My Great Grandfather started his own software company when he was twenty-five. It's a Fortune 500 company now." He adds.

"That's great—"

Something catches my attention out of the corner of my eye. I glance over seeing a woman walking a big dog outside as she passes by the diner and my stomach clenches at the sight. I glance back at Jax. What am I doing. This feels wrong. I should've never agreed to go on a date with him. It was stupid.

"I can't do this." I say finally.

"Uh... what?" He asks, his brow furrowed.

I jump up, jarring the table. "I have to go. I'm sorry, Jax." I apologize quickly and run out of the diner.

I fast walk around the corner and once I'm out of his sight I slow down contemplating what I should do. Going on the date with Jax was wrong, so wrong. Tayens right, I do like Xan, I really like him. He's a good person, he's nice, genuine and giving and I like him so much... I'm such an idiot. I should've confronted him days ago, made it clear I wanted to be exclusive. I have to talk to him.

The walk to the shelter seems so much longer without my usual companions. Once I'm there I spot Xan's blue car in the parking lot and release a little bit of tension now that I'm closer to seeing him. I step inside the shelter, the familiar sounds of the barking dogs greeting me.

There's a girl behind the desk who gives me a smile. "Hello, may I help you." She greets me.

I smooth my sweaty hands down my skirt. "Yeah, is Xan here?"

She nods. "He just got back from taking a few of the dogs for a walk, I'll go get him."

I pace back and forth until I hear footsteps coming back toward the lobby but it's only the girl.

She gives me an embarrassed smile. "Sorry, but he said he doesn't want to see you."

"Tell him it's Lennon Rose and it's important. I need to talk to him right now." I demand frantically.

I feel like if I don't see him now I'm going to break down again.

She shakes her head. "I'm sorry, he said he knew who you were and to tell you to go home."

I feel my heart shatter at her words and my lower lip wobbles. I turn on my heel and exit the shelter, tears slipping down my cheeks. He didn't even want to see me. He obviously doesn't reciprocate my feelings which I already suspected. Damn it.

I contemplate what to do. Do I tuck my tail between my legs, run back to the safety of my apartment and hide or do I wait until he leaves and force him to face me? Force him to look me in the eye and tell me he doesn't like me the way I like him. I need to hear it from him, I can't carry a torch for him as long as I did Jax. I won't do it again. I march right over to his car and take a seat on the bench placed in front of the parking lot.

The girl that was manning the front desk leaves five minutes after I sit down and then finally forty-five minutes later Xan exits the building. My entire body is probably frozen to the bench but I don't care, even if he turns me down sitting it the cold is worth just seeing him in person again.

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