The air in my lungs caught as I stared at Devon.

She was my roommate?

I continued to stare at her, and her hand dropped to her side in rejection, and I felt bad. She backed away, grabbing her suitcase, “Well… um, I was just coming to unpack. I was hoping to meet you and get to know you but you look like you were leaving.”

Finally I snapped out of it, nodding, “U-Uh, I was… but I’ll be here tomorrow night.”

She nodded, “Cool, I’m sleeping here tonight, guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

I should leave, I should leave and switch my room, but I can’t. “Want me to stay and help?”

Her face lifted, but I saw behind those blue eyes, there was pain. Lots of it… why? Why was she so sad? What had happened to her?

“If you want,” she threw her booksack on her bed and I smiled.

I didn’t know why but I wanted to stay, and I felt as if I needed to. And I needed to let her know who I was so I didn’t seem like a creep.

“Oh by the way, my names Amanda, Amanda Phillips.”

Her eyes shot up, I could feel the pain inside her it was so strong. The look in her eyes, like she was close to breaking, she sat on her bed, and looked down at her shoes, then back at me.

“Nice to know your name Amanda…”

It was a forced smile, like she was attempting to hide the pain. I tilted my head as she started unpacking her booksack, revealing a picture, and setting it on her nightstand.

It was her and… Rachel.

It hit me again like a ton of bricks, the love for Devon… Rachel… Devon… they were best friends. That’s why Devon was so sad! Rachel… her best friend, had died two months ago.

I studied the picture, they looked happy, really happy… the way Rachel was looking at Devon… you could just see it. The way she loved her… it was there, in plain sight, you could even see it in the damn picture…

“That’s Rachel…”

I snapped my head to Devon, seeing the pain in her face. Her eyes weren’t even looking at me, she was staring at the picture, as if longing to go back to that night.

“Rachel uh… Rachel-”

I grabbed her hand, making her stop in mid-sentence, “Hey, It’s ok…” I didn’t want her to say it, I didn’t want her to cry.

I couldn’t see her cry.

She stood, releasing my grip and smiling, trying to put up the front I had already seen past. “So you have a boyfriend?”

I nodded, not to sure why she had suddenly changed to subject, then again I understood anyway. She didn’t want to talk about her best friends death with someone she barely knew, and I didn’t want to reveal that my boyfriend had been paralyzed in the wreck.

“His names Nelson Jenkins.”

She nodded, smiling as she started unloading all of her clothes, “He sounds nice, I don’t though… single life.”

I tilted my head, thoughts started swarming in my head. Thoughts I didn’t understand… I ignored them, “Do you like anyone?”

She sighed as if a heavy weight was on her shoulders, “I did.”

It was a simple answer, and she didn’t sound as if she wanted to talk about it so I let it end at that. Maybe she loved the kid that got sent to jail… or maybe she had just been to heartbroken to let anyone mend it for her.

I thought I had been through a lot, but compared to this girl my situation wasn’t shit.

I still had Nelson, I still had my best friend Hali, which reminded me I needed to give her a call. I didn’t lose anything, of course Nelson did… but I still had him.

Devon had lost her best friend.

That’s a hard blow to take, especially at age 18.

I grabbed my purse off my desk and sighed, “Ok well, I’ll see you tomorrow? Maybe we can have lunch on our last day of freedom.”

She smiled, “Ok, see you tomorrow Amanda.”

Amanda

? “That’s not my-” I stopped myself. What the fuck? My name is Amanda, so why did I have this urge to correct her? Why did I suddenly think she had called me by the wrong name? What the hell was wrong with me? I smiled, “See you.”

I walked out the dorm quickly, I was freaking out. What was going on? Why did I feel so weird?

I drove back to my house, thinking of all the weird things that I had just experienced with Devon. When I saw that picture of Rachel, for a split second… and I mean for a split second, I had thought it was me. but it wasn’t, it was just a weird thought.

I had been having a lot of those lately.

As I tried to sort everything out inside my head, it only got me more confused. Why did I feel so nervous around Devon? Why did I feel attached to her? Already? When I had just met her? It didn’t make sense to me. And why did I act so funny? Like when she told me bye, and I had denied my own name? What was going on with me?

I pulled up to MY house, this is YOUR house AMANDA. You’re not losing it, your head is fine. Maybe you were having weird thoughts because you had slightly gone through some head trauma in the wreck.

I got down and walked in, my mom was already cooking, Emert was sitting in the living room and he turned back to smile at me. Dad was most likely upstairs taking a shower before coming down to eat dinner.

I sat at the table, feeling mentally drained for some reason. My mom touched my back lightly, “Amanda? Are you ok?”

I nodded, “Just tired from unloading.”

She tilted her head, “Well, I cooked spaghetti, your favorite, we can eat when dad comes down.”

Spaghetti, that wasn’t’ my favorite…

There it was again, those fucking thoughts. I smiled, “Ok mom.”

**

Dinner was soon over and I looked at the clock, it was around 8 and I suddenly felt the need to call Hali. My long lost best friend who I had been completely oblivious to calling, she was going to be pissed.

I called, and it rung, and soon enough her voice rang through my ear, “Well look who’s decided to pick up the phone and make sure I’m still alive!”

I laughed, trying to ease any tension that might be between us, “Sorry Hali, I’ve just been really busy and stressed, I haven’t forgotten about you though.”

“Damn straight, you better not forget about me. How’s you and Nellie?”

I rolled my eyes at the stupid nickname she had picked out for my boyfriend, I groaned, “You know I hate it when you call him that?”

“That’s why I do it!”

I sighed, thinking about the difficult situation me and Nelson were in, and how I had been ignoring him all week. “Hali we’re not so good…”

“Ahh, give me details…”

So I did, I explained how he felt like he needed to end it with me, and how I wasn’t even sure how much I loved him anymore. Did I still love him? What was love anyway? The first time I saw Devon… that feeling was love. But why Devon? Why someone I had never met before?

“Well Amanda, it’s better to talk it out with him… don’t just up and leave if that’s what you want. He’s hurting just like you, and you know it’s hard on him. Don’t let this ruin you…”

I looked at the clock, it was late, and I wanted to sleep all of a sudden. I nodded to myself, “Thanks Hali, when you get back from Cali we need to get together.”

“Sounds great to me, see you in a couple days!”

I smiled at her energetic voice, “See you.”

I clicked my phone off and set it on my nightstand, feeling completely drained. I didn’t even bother showering, all I did was change into sweats and a T and throw myself onto my bed for the last time.

I sighed, thinking about everything I had to deal with emotionally but ended up just passing out instead.

***

When I woke it was late, but I didn’t rush. There was no need, I had nothing left to do today but pack a couple more things and head off to campus.

Classes would start tomorrow.

I groaned, summer had flown all to quickly. It sucked, because my summer consisted of physical therapy and mending Nelson. Going through the physical and emotional trauma… and now I was put in a dorm with Devon Hall.

Rooming with her… I had a feeling it was going to be difficult.

I was scared, the ways she made me feel… and I don’t even know her. It pissed me off, I didn’t know her, so therefore it was impossible to love her.

No, I wasn’t a damn lesbian. I didn’t love her, she didn’t know me, I had a boyfriend… just no.

I stood, throwing on a V neck T and some skinny jeans, along with my Keds. I looked OK, no need to get all fancied up. Besides, all my other clothes were at my dorm, which reminded me how much I hated that clothes…

All that pink shit, eww… what had possessed me to buy that?

I hated pink.

Didn’t I?

How could I not know if I liked the color pink or not? It was the same feeling I had last night when my mom said my favorite food was spaghetti… I liked spaghetti, sure, but it wasn’t my favorite… now I loved lasagna. Yes, that’s my favorite…

But my mother would know that? Wouldn’t she?

I felt insane as I continued to pack up the rest of my things, and then I looked around, realizing how empty my room actually looked. It scared me to be honest.

I skipped downstairs only to find my parents sitting with Emert at the couch, watching some show. I smiled, I would miss them, but I would definitely visit every weekend. Besides, I lived only an hour away.

My mom and dad stood, Emert just gazed at me, looking a little upset. I went to him first, hugging him, “Hey I’ll just live an hour away, you can always call me, we can even Skype if you want.”

He smiled, hugging me back, “Cool.”

I looked at my parents, hugging both of them, feeling a pang of hurt in my heart. I would miss them, and everything they had done for me. I kissed them both on the cheek, “Like I said, just a phone call away, I love you guys. I’ll be back next weekend.”

After long goodbyes and a little crying I finally escaped the depressing house and was soon on my way to my new home.

A home I would be sharing with Devon Hall.