“So what you’re a lesbian now?!”

I could see pain in his eyes, but he was a little drunk, I sighed, “Nelson… can we go somewhere’s else to talk about this?”

He wanted to yell at me, I could see it in his eyes, but he complied. We made our way outside, doing our best to find the most secluded spot, and finally we were alone.

He was silent, and I knew he had seen what me and Samantha had done, “Nelson listen… I’m not gay. She’s drunk, she kissed me, I didn’t mean it to be anything… I’ve been meaning to talk to you… I just don’t know what to say.”

He looked up at me, his eyes were rimmed with tears and I knew he didn’t believe me, “How about ‘Hey Nelson I don’t love you anymore… so maybe we should end it and put you out of your God damn misery’ ever thought of that?”

Ok that one hurt, but it was completely true. I sighed, “Nelson… I love you… you’ve been my boyfriend for a year…”

He shook his head, “But everything changed two months ago. You and I both know that.”

That hurt to. Damn. He was on a roll. And I knew he was hurting on the inside, it was no secret now. I wanted to cry, I didn’t want to hurt him… I wanted him to forgive me. “Nelson… I’m sorry… I’ve just been going through some things… and I just…”

“You don’t love me anymore Amanda, I understand that. It’s ok.”

God he was comforting me, this was so fucked up. I should be the one comforting him, he was the one that was actually hurting more then me. I felt like a selfish bitch. I sighed, “Nelson…”

He grabbed my hand, and I felt tears sting my eyes and silently roll down my face, “It’s ok Amanda… I promise. I’ll always love you.”

He rolled off and then disappeared back into the house, and all of a sudden I wanted to break down. The look on his face… God I had hurt him. He was devastated, he tried to put up that front, that mask… but I knew it was a lie. I knew him long enough to know what laid behind it… and it sucked knowing I did that to him…

He would be ok right?

I wouldn’t though. Not with that burden on my shoulders… knowing I was the reason his heart was broken.

I started walking back to the dorm, I didn’t want to be here anymore, besides, Emerson wouldn’t miss because he was to busy trying to get with Devon. Samantha… well she was probably some where’s where she was doing something weird.

And Nelson… well he didn’t want me.

I couldn’t get mad at him, him and I knew this was coming fro awhile, I just didn’t know it was going to hurt this bad. Not only did I lose my boyfriend of an entire year… but I lost one of my best friends. We had known each other for awhile, I used to be head over heels for him…

What happened?

Oh yea, the wreck, then everything just went down hill from there.

I checked my phone, it was now 12:35 and I saw dozens of messages from Hali. Shit my phone had been on silent the entire night? She was going to be so pissed at me…

Then I felt a hand in mine, I looked up, startled but saw Samantha. God this girl was a little creepy, and clingy, and stalker-ish… it was odd. She spoke, “You ok? I saw you with that boy…”

I nodded, “That was my boyfriend… well, ex-boyfriend now. He broke up with me.”

She squeezed my hand, “Oh God why?”

I rolled my eyes, like she fucking cared. I sighed, “Because of what we did at Alpha…”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t know you and Nelson were dating…”

I snapped my head toward her, gently slipping my hand out of her grip, “How did you know his name…?”

She stuttered, “I-I uh… friends.”

Yep, she was definitely an odd one. Devon had warned me about her… she was weird, and I probably should avoid her… but she was always around! How did she know his name? She was a sophomore girl, knowing a freshmen guy in a wheel chair…? It just seemed to odd.

We were soon standing in front of my dorm door and she was looking at me, those big brown eyes, that fiery red hair… I know it was bizarre, and she was a little on the creepy side… but she had a banging body. She was sexy, feisty… and in a weird way… I kind of liked it.

I was never the one for clinginess, but this girl was cute, and she was interested, and I was fucking heartbroken.

Her lips found mine, smashing me against the wall. She was warm, her lips soft and her mouth moving against mine aggressively, hungry. I opened my door behind my back and we flew into the room, she slammed me onto my bed and started sucking on my neck.

I let out a soft moan, and she looked at me, “You’re fucking sexy Amanda… I hope you realize that.”

I let her feel me up, and in a way I was enjoying it. I was trying to let everything go and just go with what we were doing, and so far I was succeeding.

Her tongue began dancing with mine, and suddenly I wanted to feel it on my clit.

No. I didn’t want this. I wasn’t gay! Amanda stop kissing her! I’m not gay!

I pulled away, catching my breath, “Samantha… I don’t…”

She groaned, pushing her body against mine, “You’re really gonna say no to this… again?”

Her leg was between mine and it had pressure on my clit, and even though it was mildly distracting… it wasn’t distracting enough.

I nodded, “I just don’t… I don’t think I want this…”

She looked at me, long and hard, and I felt bad. I had led her on enough by letting her kiss me and have her way with me… I probably hurt her feelings. And her ego. Even though she acted like she had plenty of it in the first place.

She just got up, out of my bed, and walked out my room.

It was weird, she looked hurt, but I couldn’t do this with her… I wasn’t gay dammit! The more I thought about it… the more it upset me. Why did this night have to be so damn difficult? Why did Nelson get into that truck with me that night? Why did I love Devon? Why had everything changed after the wreck?

Why were there so many unexplainable feelings and memory fading happening to me?

It didn’t make any sense, the slight memory loss, over things I should remember forever. My mom’s name, my brother’s birthday… my own name… how was that possible?

Maybe I needed to go to the doctor, maybe they had missed something in the brain trauma I had taken… maybe there was a logical explanation to it all and I was just over looking it. Maybe they could fix me and give me my old life back…

Suddenly I had the biggest urge to find out more about Rachel Kidder, so I pulled my laptop off of my desk and pulled up Google. I typed in her name, and eventually found her Facebook page. There was a ton of posts saying R.I.P and what not, but I was looking for pictures.

I pulled up a picture of her, then started reading her bio.

She obviously loved the color Red… and the more I thought about it… I did to. My favorite color used to be pink, but I was wearing a red blouse. I had even painted my toe nails bright crimson red.

Similar favorite color… weird.

The one thing that caught my eye was her eyes. I pulled up a picture of me recently, zooming in on our eyes… and comparing them.

We had the exact same eye color. Even the brown flecks were in the same place…

I noticed she loved guitar, and even though I had never played it a day in my life… I felt like I wanted the chance to. I wanted a guitar, in my hands, right now. I wanted to play a song, I wanted to express myself, sing…

I had never had that urge before.

Suddenly my dorm door busted open and in stumbled a tipsy Devon, she slurred, “Ssoo you’re a lessbian..?” I rolled my eyes, helping her into her bed, she grabbed my face, “You have Rachel’s eyeess…”

I nodded, “I know Devon, go to sleep.”

She glanced over to my laptop that was sitting open on my bed, she let her eyes widened, “Whhy…. Why is Rachel on you’re laptoppp…?”

I ignored her, shutting it off and climbing into bed myself, “No reason Devon, go to sleep.”

She sighed heavily, “If I wasn’t so drunk now… I’d kick your assss for kissing Samantha…”

Then she was gone.

Huh. What did she mean about that?

I turned over, thinking over everything that had happened tonight… it was crazy. I was glad that I had stopped Samantha from molesting me any further… I didn’t want that.

Then I looked over at Devon, well, I didn’t want to do that with Samantha anyway… maybe Devon.

But I was never going to admit that to her.