***-DEVON’S POV-***

I watched Amanda play her black guitar, her voice bringing me back like it always did. I loved it when she sang, she reminded me of Rachel so much I couldn’t get over it.

I studied her reddish brown hair that was falling down her chest and over her shoulders, those same green piercing eyes…

I missed Rachel.

Over the last month, I had started really thinking about Rachel. I had finally allowed myself to analyze the feelings she gave me over the past four years, it depressed me, and it made me majorly sad half the time, but I had really started to figure myself out.

Even though it wasn’t what I expected, or liked.

Me and Rachel… we were different. I had finally taken notice to all the things Rachel had done for me, she wrote songs and played them for me, and they were most likely about me. She comforted me at night when I needed it, she kept me close, she protected me…

She had been telling me for years that she was in love with me… just not with words. With actions.

I felt so stupid for not noticing… maybe if I would’ve noticed sooner, instead of her having to tell me… she would still be here.

And maybe… just maybe, we would have worked it out, and possibly… been together.

My heart ached thinking about her, like when cold wind hit’s an open soar. It was constantly there, the pain, but when you thought about it, it intensified. Then after that you were screwed, you were forced to think about it for hours, killing yourself with questions that will never ever be answered.

Like why did she love me? Or what did she love most about me? Or what would her kisses feel like? When she would bring me on dates, and call me baby… What would that have been like?

But the bad thing was, I would never know.

Then there was Amanda, when I met her, she wouldn’t be recognizable from afar. She had lush soft brown hair, and now it was dark reddish brown, her freckles on the bridge of her nose weren’t there when I met her. Her eyes… God they were the most haunting thing about her, they resembled Rachel’s perfectly… and it scared me.

Then there was the guitar, her voice, her mannerisms, her body, everything… everything reminded me of Rachel.

And in a way, deep inside my heart, it was like she was here with me.

There were times where I would look at Amanda, the way she looked at me sometimes, it never scared me… but it looked as if she was longing for me.

The same way Rachel used to look at me, but I was to stupid to realize.

And sometimes… I would catch myself thinking about Amanda in ways I shouldn’t.

Like in the dressing room a week ago, when she was touching me, God my heart had made it’s way to my throat. Then when I saw Samantha kissing her… I wanted to pull her away from her and tell Samantha she was mine.

I knew that wasn’t normal, and maybe I was just protective of my friends, not wanting them to be taken away from me like Rachel had been.

It didn’t hide the fact that I wanted to kiss Amanda right now while she was singing to me.

God what was happening to me?

Another thing that was bothering me and Amanda both was the fact that she wanted to know about the night Rachel died. Why had she left so suddenly? What had we fought about?

And I wanted to tell her, but then I chickened out, to afraid of causing a whole new set of problems.

I didn’t like to dump my problems and emotions onto other people, especially sad ones, and Amanda had been through quite a lot to. Her ex boyfriend Nelson had been paralyzed, she had a crazy girl practically trying to rape her every time they were alone, and she was constantly worried about me.

You know, because she thought I wasn’t eating.

“Devon?”

I snapped my eyes up to Amanda, those familiar piercing green eyes boring into my soul, “Yea?”

“You weren’t here a second ago… what you thinking about?”

Just you, and how amazing you are…

Shit.

“Nothing, just thinking about that paper I have to write. You really know how to relax someone…”

She tilted her head, “I don’t believe you were thinking about that but… ok. I won’t ask you anymore about it.”

She stood, going to put her guitar up and I wanted to hug her. She was a great friend, listening to me compare her to Rachel all the time, holding me while I cried, making sure I was ok, checking up on me…

I stood, wrapping my arms around her waist, she tensed under me, but then she was hugging me back almost instantly. “You ok?”

I nodded into her chest, she really didn’t know this, but she meant a lot to me. Not only did I love her person, but I think… that maybe, I was kind of falling for her.

I knew maybe she liked me in the back of her head, I wasn’t completely sure because I knew she had had a boyfriend before she came here. Then they broke up, me and Samantha came into the picture, and something within her altered, snapped.

Then ever since she’s been different.

But I loved it, I loved feeling as if Rachel was here with me. I loved looking at Amanda and hoping that maybe, just maybe Rachel was there inside of her.

I knew it was a crazy thought but hey, I was pretty crazy myself.

I referred back to her and I’s conversation about me not liking Emerson, and I almost admitted that since Rachel admitted she was in love with me… I hadn’t liked anyone since.

I wanted to tell Amanda how I felt about Rachel, but I was afraid. What if she thought I was weird? Or pitied me, that would be even worse… I definitely didn’t want anyone’s pity. I wanted someone to confide in about it… and I wanted it to be Amanda.

But I couldn’t bring myself to tell her.

Finally we pulled away from each other, she looked down at me, “What was that for exactly?”

I shrugged, “You’re just a really good friend, I hope you know that.”

She smiled sarcastically, “Of course I am, I’m amazing Devon. When will you accept that?”

I rolled my eyes at her sarcasm, and her arrogance, “Shutup Amanda.”

She threw her arms around me, “You know you love it though!”

Then she flung herself backwards, and I let out a little yelp, and I landed on top of her. I was between her legs, my hands on each side of her head, staring down at her. I felt my heart stop, and flutter inside my chest. She smiled, then she turned it into a smirk, “Devon Hall, I hate to admit this… but I think you’re turning me on.”

I smiled, laughing and grabbing her wrists in my hands, pressing them into the mattress. Messing with her like this was fun, but I wasn’t sure if I really liked it or not… in that way of course.

I continued to hold her wrists down, “This turns you on…?” I leaned down, bringing my lips to her ear, and whispering, “What about this?”

She twitched, shivering under me, and I was actually enjoying this. Then she flipped me over, my legs wrapping around her back and her hands holding my wrists down to the bed.

Oh Lord…

Why was this so hot? And why was I allowing this?

She leaned down, brushing her lips along my jaw, “Don’t start something you’re going to regret.”

Then she was off of me, grabbing clothes out of her closet and heading down the hall to the showers.

Leaving me alone with my thoughts and my racing heart.