Me and Devon’s situation improved a little over the next couple of days, even though she was still kind of acting weird around me. She was still kind of blowing me off, and I didn’t know if she was avoiding me because I kissed her or other reasons.

Like Emerson.

When I thought about him I just instantly got annoyed, so I tried not to.

But as of right now I was on my way to meet Trevor at his dorm. I had my guitar slung over my back as I made my way across the quad, the chilly air wrapping around me.

I missed Devon, I missed her sleeping with me, I missed our late night talks, shopping with her, and just hanging out. I missed how I made her laugh, and how she would stare in awe while I played guitar for her. I missed everything…

I hadn’t noticed I was crying until I brought my hand up to my eye, and I wiped it away quickly. No use crying over it, the pain in my heart was obviously not leaving anytime soon. I needed to do something to make her talk to me, open up to me again.

It was killing me…

I knocked on the door and Trevor opened up, greeting me, “Hey!”

I walked in, escaping the cold and crossing my legs while I sat on his bed. He had his notebook out and I knew immediately he was writing a song, I picked it up, “Writing today?”

“Was, I’ve had no luck.”

“Want me to help? Or do you want to practice something else?”

“You wanna co-write with me? That sounds pretty sweet, and we can perform it next Friday!”

I smiled at his boyish excitement, but in a way I was in no mood to write. I was depressed, I shrugged, “I’m in a shit mood, I’m not sure writing would be all that great today.”

He placed his hand on my shoulder, “The best songs come out of the worst moods. Trust me.”

“Ok then, don’t expect anything great.”

He smiled, “I always do, Amanda.”

I rolled my eyes at his attempt to flirt with me and he began playing music, he had obviously written it to go wit ha song, but he had yet to create the lyrics.

Then I just started singing, “You’ll never know how much you mean to me… Not sure what I could do to make you see… How many times we laid awake… talking till the morning break… of sunlight.”

He stopped his strumming and started to jot down, “You have a gift. I hope you know that.”

I smiled, feeling myself blush, “Just comes from the heart.”

Then he continued with his strumming, and I tried to muster up some more lyrics to end the first verse. “Those deep blue eyes piercing right through my soul… Without you it’s quite bitter and cold… How can you deny how this feels so right… When It’s clear your happiness is in sight…”

Trevor continued to write my words down exactly how I had sang them, then his eyes looked up to mine. “How do you just come up with words so easily?”

I shrugged, “I just sang exactly what I was thinking… not sure how it came about.”

He smiled, “Well I’m gonna sing the chorus and you can write the next verse, then help me with the bridge. Hope that sounds semi-fair?”

I smirked, “It doesn’t, but sure.”

***

Me and Trevor’s session went well, we completed an entire song, even though he was still critiquing it like he always did with his songs.

Well, our song now.

I was on my way back from his dorm, it was getting late, and it was a Wednesday night. I let my mind wander back to the night I kissed Devon.

Her lips… God they were so soft… the electricity that flowed through my body like a current. I wanted to feel that again, but I knew I couldn’t. I was definitely not going to pull that again because she obviously didn’t like it.

She ignored me for a God damn week, and it took me to pass out for her to actually talk to me like a normal person!

I rolled my eyes at the thought, how could she do that to me? Over a stupid kiss? What, did it remind her of Rachel to much? Did it bring back unwanted memories of her past? I wouldn’t know because she never told me anything!

The kiss wasn’t stupid to me though… it hurt me and enlightened me at the same time. I made me grow attached to her, like I needed her more then ever…

Although I couldn’t tell her that.

I thought kissing her would show me that I’m not a lesbian, that I didn’t really love Devon… but I was wrong. I did love Devon, and I was turning into a lesbian… something I wasn’t sure if I could stop. It had never happened before, but there was always a first for everything, right?

I definitely didn’t want to be one, but it felt as if I had no choice.

Especially with Devon.

I looked up from the concrete pavement and my eyes met with Samantha, she was walking with one of her friends. They looked like they were having a good ole time, but when she approached me she told her friend, “Go, I’ll meet you at Mike’s.”

Her friend nodded and left us alone, Samantha looked at me, “You ok?”

She had never asked me how I felt, she usually just kissed me and tried to take my clothes off, but she looked sane today.

I shrugged, “Could be better.”

She studied my eyes, trying to figure me out but she already knew what I was going through. She knew I was in love with Devon, or she at least knew she knew I liked her… I never admitted that though.

Samantha stroked my arm, and for once it wasn’t sexual, “I know what you’re going through… and it sucks.”

I shrugged, “I’m not going through anything…”

She tilted her head, “I know better Amanda, you like her, I can see it in your eyes. It’s clear as day.”

I shook my head, “I’ve never liked a girl before…”

She smiled, “It just takes one girl babe…”

She was definitely right about that.

She noticed I wasn’t in the mood to talk, and she wasn’t in the mood to rape me, so she continued, “If you ever want someone to talk to… call me.”

Then she was gone, and I caught myself watching her go. Maybe there was a side to Samantha that wasn’t so psycho and crazy…

And maybe I could get to know that side sooner or later.

***

I was back in my dorm, practicing my guitar because I really had nothing better to do. Devon was still absent, and I was getting worried.

Then as soon as I thought it she was walking through the door.

She smiled, “Hey.”

“How was class?”

She shrugged, “Boring, we had a lecture… I took a ton of notes and I’m pretty sure I have Carpal Tunnel in my hand.”

I laughed to myself, she was so dramatic sometimes.

She pointed to my guitar, “Working on a song?”

I shrugged, “No, me and Trevor co-wrote together. We’re gonna play the full song next Friday at The Lounge… hopefully you can come…”

She looked at me, I saw pain flash in her eyes, I knew when I played it put her through hell, but I wanted her to accept it. I wanted to make her feel ok with me playing.

“Wanna hear?”

She nodded, “Sure.”

I began strumming the same chords as Trevor had taught me, then I started on the verse I had written.”

“You’ll never know how much you mean to me…

Not sure what I could do to make you see…

How many times we laid awake…

talking till the morning break… of sunlight.”

Her eyes looked away from my guitar, I knew the lyrics were hitting her. When you were sad and you heard a song, you found the meaning loud and clear. That’s what she was doing right now.

“Those deep blue eyes piercing right through my soul…

Without you it’s quite bitter and cold…

How can you deny how this feels so right…

When It’s clear your happiness is in sight…”

Her face changed, from being content to a death glare at me. I stopped singing immediately.

“What… you don’t like it?”

She gritted her teeth, “Who wrote that verse?”

I stood, she was freaking me out, I set my guitar on the stand and spoke, “I did…?”

She stood with me, “No you didn’t! You didn’t write that! You’re lying!”

I backed away from her. What the fuck got into her? Why was she yelling at me? Her eyes were burning with rage, she looked as if she was going to rip my throat out. I raised my hands, “I wrote the verse… Trevor wrote the chorus! I don’t know why you’re yelling at me!”

I was pressed against the wall, she was close, and she was so mad I swore steam was coming out of her ears.

“You’re a liar Amanda Phillips, you didn’t write that!”

I threw my hands up, not knowing what to do at this point, “Fine Devon! If I didn’t write it, who the fuck did? Huh?!”

She yelled, tears streaming down her red cheeks, God she looked so broken…

“Rachel wrote that! Rachel wrote that exact same verse one year ago Amanda!”

My heart stopped dead in my chest.

You’ve got to be kidding me.