The past couple days ice-cream had been my savior.

I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad; I was just numb. And tired.

I had lost him. I had finally lost . And it wasn't because of some girl like Brooke Mckailey, or his overtly strict parents--it was because of me. Me. I was the problem. I was his problem but my judgement was so clouded I couldn't even realize how much I was hurting him. That impending doom I felt towards our relationship was my fault all along.

Ok, I lied. I wasn't numb; cause I felt like absolute shit.

Laying in my bed, watching some random movie on 123movies wasn't making me feel any better either. The amount of times I glanced at my phone, so so so tempted to text him, to apologize and wish that everything went back to normal was insane.

I didn't have any friends to talk about this to. Shit, the only friend I actually had was Colton and things were so clearly not working out in my favor.

So i turned to Instagram. Shitty spam account. 40 followers. Made sure they were all people from random parts of the world, not people I knew from my county. I had some mutuals-- none of us were close. They kind of just liked things and lurked.

It was slightly embarrassing that the account had come to mean so much to me, that it was a safe space for me to rant about shit I could never tell anyone. It was like my personal journal.

Yet I still logged in anyway, and began to type.

serious question folks; what do you do when you're in love with your best friend? oh yeah and on top of that he hates ur fucking guts lol!! pls comment below #constructive criticisn

jk lol not really but ya this week has been garbage the only thing i have going for me is this scholarship thing so yay

im in love with him. colton. never thought in my whole entire fucking life i'd ever admit to something like this but i really can't help it

literally when he's just fucking there. existing. in a room. breathing. i can't breathe. and i hate it but i love it at the same time. my loneliness is killing meee i must confess i still believeee

sorry that song has been stuck in my head

I hit the post button and shut off my phone, knowing no one would probably ever read it. Cause honestly? No one really cared.

The only thing actually keeping me going was the scholarship program. After the college fair, I asked Hana about the details to the program and she told me it was for the NGSA, some prestigious national society. I submitted to the site earlier this week and now, it was simply a waiting game. They told us that the results would come out in around 2-3 business days, yet I still haven't received my reply.

Shit, I guess that was 2 L's in one week.

One, my best friend dumping me and two, not being smart enough to get into a program that would save my future.

What an amazing week this has been!

I glanced at my phone.

Should I call him?

No. I couldn't.

A knock on my door brought me out of my thoughts. "Hey sweetheart. What are you still doing up?" My mom.

I could see she was still in her scrubs and had just gotten back from work. It was 2am. She was barely ever at home because she was constantly working.

"Mm nothing. Hey," I sat up, wiping away whatever remnants of sadness were present on me.

"Nothing, huh? Doesn't seem like nothing," she pointed at the pint of ice-cream beside me.

I wanted to break down.

She strolled around my room, then took a seat.

"It's um just ya know stupid boy stuff," I decided on. Boy stuff, and I also probably wasn't getting into college. Haha.

"Boy stuff as in Colton?"

"Mom!"

"Look, all I'm saying is ya make it pretty damn obvious," she laughed and I shoved her lightly, rolling my eyes. She paused, a comforting silence moving throughout the room. "Look at me sweetheart. No boy should ever make you cry. You hear that?"

"But-"

"Nuh-uh. No buts," she shook her head. "Especiallyyy when-" A mischievous grin was creeping onto her face.

"What? What is it?" I leaned forward, giddy. She was pulling something out from behind her back and when she finally showed me, it was a letter.

But not any letter.

An acceptance letter from the NGSA.

I wanted to scream.

And so i did.

"The first day is tomorrow!" she squealed with me.

"Oh my god. oh my god. Oh my god. What am I gonna wear? HOLY MOM WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR?"

"I don't know I think it says," she paused to squint at the paper, "Booty casual attire?" So corny.

I rolled over in a fit of laughter.

That night, we stayed up until the sunrise, eating ice-cream, but not in a depressed way. That night ended with me in my mother's arms, for once finally feeling content.

Maybe thing were changing...For the better?

I didn't need Colton.