Dear Maa,

While I write this to you sitting on the wooden swing under the old bougainvillaea with petals covering the titled porch reminding me of the beautiful past I lived under them, here on the lawn, let me tell you first, nothing feels the same here. Nothing.

Breezes whispering and the sky is still mourning. Even the zephyrs miss you so do I.

The laughter is somewhither echoing in the empty hallways of the house. House not home. It doesn't feel like that anymore. Maybe it was you who made this place home.

The glass that I broke the last night is still scattered on the wooden floor like pieces of heart. Sometimes I feel lost here, wandering in a land a don't belong to. I belong to the stars and I saw them always in your amber eyes pouring the galaxies into mine brown one. The warmth that I seek now, deep down I know, I can't find that here anymore, can't find that anywhere else, for that only resides in your lap.

The blanket of regret engulfs my soul as I recall how I screamed last time. And I swear I didn't mean to.

I understand you are busy, service comes first, for you are serving mankind. And I am proud you are. But alas, I am just another lonely soul left solely to wander these empty corridors.

As the gust of winds passes me bringing a blast of memories in them, I ramble off to my childhood days when I used to snuggle upon you like a koala, crying my heart out, asking you to stay. On those nights, after you left I used to scream, that you don't love me, you don't care. Now as a twenty-one summer, I know, you are my Maa, you loved me even before I perceived to breathe and how imprudently I missed your misty eyes every time.

Back in my teenage years when I joined my high school, everyone had their mother by their side on the first day, I didn't. You had a morning shift that day, I had to go with Baba and I swore I would not talk you you ever again. Later that night I got to know, you saved a life that day. All my anger lost into thin air. I loved you a little more that day.

At eighteen, when I got my heart broken into millions of bits, I faced anxiety for the first time. Those pieces pierced my soul, bleeding myself every time I remember your words, "that boy doesn't deserve your tears". You have warned me, I didn't listen. You see, teenage love. It broke me more, depression engulfed me and I was losing myself in the arms of the past with each passing moon. Echoes of the past buzzing always in my head. You let me cry on those days.

After few moons, you hugged me again, sitting on this swing, you told me, "if you lost something, that was never yours, to begin with". I got the message. I survived after that, somehow like I always do.

You loved me even when I didn't love myself, on nights I wanted to end my life, you prayed for my long life.

That night after years when the midnight glory is shining above and the starry canvas is a view to behold, a soft zephyr plays with my auburn waves as they rustle sweet nothings to me, you told me "you're the best version of yourself now, and I am so proud of you", I swear I saw my galaxies in the stars of your amber eyes.

The day I took my flight for going to the other city, you missed the last goodbye too, that day I was broken. But later when you called me at 2 AM that night asking me to sleep, I understand, You always knew when I need you the most. Always. Even when I don't know myself.

Never in this twenty-one spring, you let me to dependable on someone for something, sometimes I used to wonder why. Sometimes I used to think it was because you never that the time to be the someone. The sixteen-year-old me would actually believe that but now I know. You always taught me to be independent. From teaching me algebra to teaching me how to cook, you have always been there, my anchor, my friend, my teacher.

Last night I lost it, I was worried about everything that was going around, the lockdown, the increased cases. I was scared for you, for myself, every day someone is dying. And I don't even want to think about the worst. So I lashed out. And I am sorry, that was totally uncalled for.

I came here after three long years, and I can see nothing changed much still it doesn't feel the same.

I hope you come back soon, I hope to hug you tight this time. I hope to feel at home again, Maa. I miss you, and next time when You will be here, I promised not to scream, be a little more patient and love you a little more. But before that, serve mankind, people out there need you, the country does. You are the real hero, for not all heroes wear capes right, some wear scrubs and PPE kits too.

Yours lovingly,

Awaiting Daughter

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The aforementioned was my entry for Ambassador India Mothers' Day contest, and it won the first position so I decided to share it here as a book. Hopefully, I will add some more one-shots here and mainly the rants.