Dear Greyson's Diary,

Yesterday was awkward as hell. My parents had a serious talk with me and I was very surprised that they didn't permanently ground me. Well I guess being a legal adult helps a little, even though I'm still not graduated. That does not change the fact that it was super awkward. I had to talk to my father about why I had pictures of half naked men under my mattress. I know why they were there, I'd rather not even think about it myself. I definitely don't want him to think too far into it. I feel so disgusted with myself for even looking at those stupid magazines. I shouldn't have been looking at other guys like that. I don't understand why I can't just control myself. It really shouldn't be this difficult. My dad always told me to never do anything in private that I wouldn't admit to in public because God is always watching. I know my parents are just trying their best to support me through this because they are afraid I'm going to try to off myself again. I know that they know that I am falling into my stupid temptations. I feel terrible for putting them in this position. I need to talk to my friend Drew, but at the same time I'm afraid of my own thoughts when I'm around him. I want to support him, because I suspect he is going through the same thing right now, though I could be wrong. I feel so split. On one hand, I value my connection to God and really can’t convince myself that my feelings are healthy. And on the other hand, I really dislike the toxicity I surround myself with. I preach against self degradation to other people but always do it to myself anyways. It's a wicked cycle. I can't handle feeling alone right now. I don't even know what to say to Drew today, but I told him I'd message him, so I'll give it a go.

At ten in the morning, Greyson pulls out his phone and opens snapchat. For a while he blankly stares at the screen. After mustering up the courage, he finally adds Drew.

After a long five minutes Drew adds him back. "Sup dude?"

Drew appears to be typing for what feels like an hour. "Well I'm home with my sister now. My dad decided to stop by the house to talk to me last night, and it was not good."

Greyson sent a sad face emoji. "Oh no, I'm sorry. Do you want to talk about it?"

Drew sent a thumbs up emoji. "Actually that would be great, thanks. I'm used to my dad hating me. But my damn sister told me that it was my fault that he was so upset. She said that if I just learned to behave and to keep out of the spotlight for one second then maybe dad would leave us both alone. And I think maybe she is right. I have done nothing but draw negative attention to the both of us. I'm sorry to overwhelm you with my shit."

Greyson stared longingly at his screen. "I wish I were there so you didn't have to feel so lonely. You just keep being you. There's nothing you can do to make yourself any more perfect than you already are. I don't understand why anyone would want that anyways. You and your brain are perfect enough as is."

Drew thought long and hard before responding, making Greyson slightly nervous. "Can you come sleep over some time maybe? I'm sorry if that's a weird question. I need a friend with me and I'd like a sleepover where we're not separated into two separate high security rooms all night. You really don’t have to, you know, since you barely know me."

"Yeah dude, that was kind of a bummer. I'm unsure how my parents would feel about that at the moment, but I'll certainly give it a shot."

Drew sent the smiley face emoji with a toothy grin. "Nice, my room is a bit embarrassing, but I have some cool stuff too, it's not all cringy I promise."

"Hey, if it's not my room or my house, it's automatically better than being stuck at home." Greyson paused for a second. "Lol."

Greyson quickly ran downstairs where his parents were sitting together watching the evening news. Both of his parents looked at him enthusiastically standing in front of them. "You look like you just scored a touchdown. There must be some good news."

Greyson quickly pulled himself together and cleared his throat. "So, like, do not get mad at me, but I have a question."

"Interesting start, I'm already afraid of where this is going..." Greyson's dad was used to his shenanigans, and this was always how he had approached him after getting in trouble.

"Oh, no, I didn't do anything this time I swear. I was just wondering, if possibly, and you don't have to say yes, but if I could maybe have a sleepover with a guy I just met when I was in the hospital, the one the doctor told you about. And I would like you to remember that you were happy that i made a friend." Greyson cringed awaiting a harsh response.

"Um, no you are not going over to a strange boys house that I have never met. Are you trying to get killed?"

Greyson's eyes went wide and so did his mother's. "Jeez dad, I was expecting a no... but don't you think that was a bit harsh? He's only a little strange, but he's also like a head shorter than me... so I don't think he's planning my demise."

Greyson's father cackled. "I said you couldn't sleep over there. But, if he gets permission, he is welcome to stay over here. Although, I do expect all doors to remain open at all times, and absolutely no monkey business. This is still my house and you are still in highschool and will therefore follow my rules. Do I make myself clear?"

"Oh god do you really think I have bad intentions with this right now?"

"Now I don't. Just had to make sure. And just to be clear. The same rules would have applied with a lady friend. I'm not trying to be pushy, just being a dad."

Greyson gave a light punch on his father's arm. "I know dad, you don't have to pretend to be okay about all that stuff."

"Hey now. You are making this more difficult on your father. He is really trying to understand the feelings you are going through as best as he can, and we both talked about this before and decided on the sleepover rules being the same for everyone you hang out with because we didn't want to assume anything. This way, we know you're not doing things most dumb teenagers including myself would be doing. At least not under our roof. And again, that applies to everyone you hang out with. This way I don't need to know who you are dating and who you like, because I know how teenagers are about this stuff."

Greyson shrugged his shoulders. "You make a good point."

Greyson runs back upstairs and opens up snapchat. "My parents said that if I want to have a sleepover it has to be at my house and I can't have any closed doors."

Drew typed, then paused, then repeated a few more times. Greyson felt the anxiety pooling in his stomach. "Why can't we close the doors exactly? Is it because we’re both suicidal?"

"Uh, not quite. Long story, and I'd rather never talk about it." Greyson waited anxiously for a response.

"Hmm, that's fine. I'm not planning on bringing my weed to your house so we should be good. Unless they dislike curse words. Then that may be an issue."

Greyson laughed in relief. "Nah man, don't worry. I drop more F bombs than anyone else I know."

"Cool. When would you like me to sleep over? I'm not like, in a rush or anything. But I'm very lonely."

"Well, like, I don't know about you, but I'm free tomorrow night. Unless of course that's too soon."

Drew sent a big smiley face emoji. "Yay! Sleepover tomorrow it is. I'll bring my sleepover stuff."

Greyson tried to imagine what Drew's "sleepover stuff" consisted of. Probably just a pillow and a blanket, but curiosity got the best of him. "What exactly do you consider to be sleepover stuff?"

Drew sent a blank stare emoji and then a face palm emoji. Greyson followed with a shrug emoji not knowing what else to say. "Oh my friend, you must not be much of a sleepover guy."

"If you mean blankets and pillows, I'm familiar, yes."

Drew sent a laughter emoji followed by an "lol". "No, well yes that too, but no. I meant like, fun adult party games, but ones for two players, and also red bull, and face masks."

"Oh, so you're a wild one are you?"

Drew sent a grinning emoji. "I'd like to believe that I can walk a little on the wild side, as long as the wild side consists of solid pavement. I'm not that adventurous."

"Lol, you're such a dork. By the way, what exactly are face masks? Aren't those something that girls put on their face in the shower or something? I don't know how we would incorporate those into the sleepover but you do you."

Drew sent another face palm emoji. "I can tell you don't indulge in self care very often. No, face masks are not just for girls, but yeah they are mostly marketed towards women. I can bring some manly face masks if It helps."

"Lol, I'm not THAT fragile in the ego department. You still haven't answered my question though."

Drew paused for a moment trying to think of the best way to describe a face mask to a clueless man. "Well, there are different kinds of face masks. No these do not require a shower, though water could be useful. I will bring the kind that you peel off just because it is a good experience. But you might want to shave your face first."

"But... What about my stubble? I look like an egg without my stubble."

Drew sent a monocle emoji. "I don't think you know what an egg looks like. Last time I checked eggs are smooth and oval. You're more rough around the edges. Not in a bad way, I don't know how to word that in a nice way."

"So what you're saying is I'm a very macho egg."

Drew sent a hard laughter emoji. "Lmao, close enough. I guess I can't really disagree with that interpretation."

Greyson spent the rest of the day cleaning up his dirt pit of a room and washing his piles of dirty floor laundry. Most of the time he expected people to be used to his messiness, but since Drew was new, he didn't want to scare him away quite yet. He even put in an air freshener for safe measures. His room hadn't looked that clean in ages. Eventually he fell asleep face down on the bed, phone in one hand, Clorox wipe in the other.