Nate

Half of my two weeks out of the office has passed me by. Everything feels stilted and off without having Brooke around to harass. I can't do this right now. Not yet. My chest feels ripped apart and we haven't even started yet.

I tighten my running shoes and fly out the front door. There are a few more days before I'm needed back in the office, and I have to get myself sorted out before then.

I'm coughing after one mile and dying after two. My lungs feel like they're trying to strangle me, and I flop on a park bench to catch my breath.

Chain smoking for the past week probably hasn't helped. I've got to stop. I push the damp hair off my forehead knowing that it's definitely time for a cut. Instead of running the two miles back, I pull out my phone and dial Viv. I think this is what you're supposed to do when you need to move on. Get closure or something.

"I got my jewelry," she answers.

"I...good."

Now I don't know what to say. Her voice doesn't feel achingly familiar anymore. It feels old...like my past maybe. Maybe I didn't even need this call. Maybe I just feel like shit because I'm an idiot.

"So...you're calling..." she prompts.

"I'm..." I pause. "I'm about to sound pathetic. I don't know what went wrong with us, and it's like until I figure it out, how the hell do I put myself in that position again?"

Viv laughs a little. "You're sweet, Nate."

I'm so damn confused.

"I wasn't ready for sweet. I wasn't ready for normal or routine or..."

And I thought it was nice. I liked knowing she'd be at home every night. I liked our stack of takeout menus and that I knew what she'd want at all our favorite places... "And I was."

"You thrived on our routine, and I was suffocated by it."

I stop shuffling on the sidewalk. This hits me just as unexpectedly as me walking in on her and Shane. "Why didn't you say anything, Viv?"

"Because I knew you'd do whatever I asked."

I tighten my hand into a fist. "But... How is that a bad thing?"

"I wanted you to want what I wanted, only I wanted you to want it, too."

Impossible! "But if I'd known that's what you wanted, I'd-"

"Nate!" She doesn't sound angry, but frustrated. "I know. I know you'd have done everything."

"I'm not trying to get you back or anything." And holy shit, I'm not. Not even a little bit. This conversation is giving me a frustration headache. "I'm just trying to understand."

The pause is long enough that I check my phone to see if she's still there.

"You met someone," she says.

I open my mouth to lie, but Viv and I have known each other for way too long for that. "Maybe."

"I loved you, Nate. I still love you, just not in the right way, and I hated you a little until I got my jewelry back."

I scratch my forehead. "This really didn't help." Or it did, just not in the way I expected because in this moment I don't miss Viv. It's not her I'm still getting over, it's our split. The way we split. It's the idea that you can turn your heart over to someone and they can destroy you for it.

"We just weren't right, Nate. I put you in an impossible situation by wanting you to simply know what I wanted and not only to know, but to want it too."

"What's different with Shane?"

"He thrives on the new thing. The different thing. To be honest, I don't know how long I'll last with anyone. Don't take it personally."

Don't take it personally. What a load of shit.

"For you, though? Be honest. Don't hide what you feel or what you want, okay?"

If she hadn't ruined me, I'd be able to do that. "I gotta run."

"I'm glad we're not yelling anymore."

"Me, too." I sort of feel like screaming. She put me in an impossible position, and she knew it.

I freeze at the end of the street when I realize the office is a block down. I miss her. I miss giving Brooke crap and I miss her giving me crap, and more than anything, I want that back.

***

I stomp down the stairs after my shower to see Xavier sitting on the counter while Morsten stir-fries something on the stove.

"What are you doing here?"

"Hello to you too, brother."

"Seriously, you're never here."

He slips off the counter. "Mom said you were moping."

I push around him and snatch the orange juice out of the fridge, pulling off the lid and taking a long swallow so I don't yell. "I'm not moping."

Morsten waves his spatula. "Out of my kitchen you two. I'm trying to cook. You make it hard to think."

We wander to the living room and I sink into the couch, taking another swig of my OJ.

Xavier pulls out a cigarette and tilts the pack toward me.

"I quit."

He snorts. "Since when?"

"Since this afternoon when my lungs wouldn't let me run more than two miles. And Mom would freak if you lit up in the house anyway."

He shrugs and reaches for the OJ bottle, but I jerk away. I plan on finishing the thing or I wouldn't be drinking from the container.

"Why are you such a dick to me?" Xavier asks.

"Why are you such a dick?"

Xavier rolls his eyes. "You're so damn self-righteous, Nate. Chill out. You wanted me to take you out, so I took you out. I thought I was doing you a favor by dropping you off at Celeste's house because the girl is ridiculously hot, and you're still like...pathetic."

"I don't like Celeste that way, asshole."

"Every guy would feel that way about a girl that hot."

"Well, not me."

Xavier lets out this weird frustrated growl as he grabs his hair with his hands and gives me just enough of a smile that I know he isn't actually pissed. "You and I just think different, Nate. But it's been long enough after your breakup that you're seeming pathetic, and I-"

"Let me help you save your breath."

Xavier smiles and it's the same smug smirk he's had since he was like five.

"The chances of me ever, ever taking advice from you is slim, but thanks for bailing me out the other night." And I meant it. He knows it because his face changes a bit and he nods.

Xavier laughs before grabbing the remote and slumping even lower in the couch than I am. "You're such an ass, Nate."

And now we're back to status quo.

If only it were this easy with Brooke.

But seriously, she came back after that disaster of an interview, and what a total jerk I was. If she got over it once, maybe she can get over it again. I'd do anything to prevent an awkward conversation with her. I wanna just walk in and have us back to where we were before Tahoe.

Actually, I need that.