It's been over a month since school started. I was dreading it from the moment the idea of junior year finally crept up to me. It's funny how long some things take to hit you, and how others strike you instantly, like a burning slap to the face. The moment I learned my mom died, my whole world came crashing down on me. It was the most painful slap to the face I ever felt. It shook me to my bones - everything inside me ached. My throat clenched and throbbed as I tried to hold back the tears. Everything I knew changed in an instant. It's like God or the Universe or whatever snapped its fingers and *boom*, nothing would ever be the same.

Maybe that's why something so mundane as the school year starting again felt so numb to me - a dull and almost unfathomable change. I know some people may spend the whole night lying awake fearing the impending first day of school ahead of them. They may cry themselves to sleep, afraid of getting tossed around by menacing bullies or encountering the stress of keeping an A in every class. I guess for me, all those things didn't matter as much as they did to all the other kids at my school. Just two more years and I'll be done with high school forever. And what are two more years when I get to spend one of them with the love of my life?

***

It's certainly been tough adjusting to a world where Gray isn't the center of my attention. It's not like we never see each other. We almost always catch each other's eyes in the halls or meet up at each other's lockers to check on how the other is doing. We eat lunch together, which is always my favorite part of the day. Actually, it's my second favorite part of the day. I'd have to say my favorite part is when Gray drives me home and the two of us have a chance to "study" before his parents get home. We have about an hour before his Mom gets home from her afternoon errands, and his Dad gets home around 6 PM. Gray's suggested a couple of times that we go over to my house, but I'm always worried my brainless Father may walk in on us "studying," even despite his clouded brain.

I wish Gray and I could spend every second together, but we're pretty lucky for getting to spend as much time together as we do, especially since he's a senior and things are going to get crazy soon with all of his college applications. Not only that, but Gray plans on auditioning for the school musical, which is to be announced this week. A part of me is excited to see Gray get involved in the school musical. I can't wait to see the boy of my dreams dancing and singing on that polished stage, a star shimmering amongst the charcoal sky. Still, I can't help but feel this selfish desire for Gray to free up every second he's not in school for me. Gray suggested I volunteer as a stagehand for the show, but I'm worried my mood may get in the way of things. I haven't told Gray, but I've been feeling a little numb lately. Nothing like how I felt before Gray moved here. For the most part, I'm the really happy person I was at the end of summer. Yet there's some days when getting out of bed feels like an uphill battle I'm too emotionally weak to fight, and I have to call into school sick or suck it up and stagger around the halls like a sad little slug.

Regardless, I don't want Gray to be worried about me because it's really not that big of a deal. I haven't felt the urge to harm myself. Well, maybe a few times, but that doesn't mean anything, right? Doesn't everybody have those days when they feel so weighed down they just want to disappear?

I know I'll be alright. All I have to do is get out of this little funk. Tomorrow's Wednesday but we have the day off because of some teacher training day or something. Gray has planned a whole day of rest and romance for the two of us. It's the perfect little break for me to unwind and regain my grasp on reality. I know it will.

I hope it will.