Eliza and Valkyria, working together as a team in the kitchen, made some of the most incredible cinnamon buns that I had ever tasted in my entire life. Fortunately, they made a bunch of them, too, because they were way too good to eat a normal serving size of. I probably ate enough of them that I should have gained a few hundred pounds.

Fortunately, I made non-consensual weight gain illegal as far as reality was concerned, and simply eating calories did not count as consenting to gaining weight.

That meant me and everybody else in existence could eat as much as we wanted to without ever worrying about weight gain.

But that aside, once we were done eating, Lavi and Luca went outside to play which left the rest of us inside gathered around the dining room table. After all, Window wanted us around so that she could have a serious conversation with us.

And that conversation was…

IT’S SYSTEM BUILDING TIME

THE SYSTEM HAS BEEN A TOTAL JOKE WITH NO REAL WEIGHT FOR PRETTY MUCH THE ENTIRE TIME NOW, SO NOW IT’S TIME FOR US TO COMPLETELY OVERHAUL IT AND INTRODUCE A SUPER COOL AND COMPLEX NEW SYSTEM THAT DICTATES EVERYTHING WE DO

STATS EVERYWHERE

NUMBERS GO UP

LIMITED INVENTORY SPACE

EPIC DUNGEONS AND KILLING GOD AS A FINAL BOSS LIKE IN EVERY PROPER JRPG DESPITE US NOT BEING A JRPG

ALL THAT GOOD STUFF

OKAY. NOW THEN.

Ahem.

Now then, I’m open to suggestions about where to begin with overhauling the system to make it more serious and meaningful and—

“Turn the stats into waifus!” Vala said, making her the first one to speak up.

WE ALREADY HAVE ENOUGH WAIFUS

DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO MAKE SURE EVERYBODY GETS ENOUGH SCREEN TIME AS IS?

“But just think about it! Attack-chan and Defense-chan! Attack-chan would be a cute girl with red hair and a super fiery personality who is always on the attack! She’s the best flirt out of everybody! Nobody can resist her! But then… you have Defense-chan, who is also a cute girl, and probably a kuudere who is so dense that it’s impossible to flirt with her because she never understands.”

“Ah,” I said. “An unstoppable force versus an immovable object situation.”

Vala nodded. “But I’ve always thought that’s a pretty bad phrase or argument or whatever it is. Because like… wouldn’t the immovable object always win? Think about it. Attack-chan versus Defense-chan. Attack-chan is all offense and zero defense, and Defense-chan is all defense and zero offense. What this means is that no matter what Attack-chan does, it’s impossible for her to break through Defense-chan’s defense. But Defense-chan, even if she only accidentally flirts without even meaning to… because Attack-chan has no defense, she would interpret something even completely innocent as flirty or sexual and then get one-shot. No matter what Attack-chan says to Defense-chan, Defense-chan never budges. But all Defense-chan would have to do is say something completely normal, like, ‘hey, I like your hair today,’ and then Attack-chan would turn into a blushing and stuttering mess who can’t even process what just happened. Defense-chan would destroy her without even ever really going on the offense. So, if we take that logic and apply it to the classic unstoppable force versus immovable object, then the immovable object always wins.”

Disregarding that this isn’t how physics works when it comes to the whole unstoppable force vs immovable object thing… that would be kind of cute.

“Right?! Also, physics is a meme and nobody cares about its supposed laws. We’ve already proven that physics are a joke anyways.”

BUT ANYWAYS, WE STILL ALREADY HAVE TOO MANY WAIFUS. I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND JUST HOW MANY GIRLS THERE ARE, SO LET ME LIST THEM ALL FOR YOU.

Confirmed Waifus

You, Me, Delphi, Lavi (and her arm?), Cami, Clawdia, Honey, Chloe, Claire, Mariet (and her body?), Valkyria, Eliza

Eventual Waifus

Postia, Clawdia’s mecha (?), Zoa, the previously implied RNGesus nun, and that star Drake planted

Waiting-to-be-Evolved Waifus

Cow, Slime, Bee, Ram

DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM? THERE ARE ALREADY 12 CONFIRMED WAIFUS CURRENTLY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, 13 IF YOU COUNT MARIET’S BODY SEPARATELY, 5 WAIFUS WHO ARE ALREADY BASICALLY WAIFUS BUT HAVEN’T ACTUALLY OFFICIALLY JOINED THE HAREM YET DESPITE DRAKE CALLING THEM HIS WIVES ALREADY, AND THEN ANOHER 4 TOWER ANIMALS THAT STILL NEED EVOLVED INTO TOWER ANIMAL GIRLS.

THAT BRINGS THE TOTAL HAREM COUNT UP TO 22 WAIFUS. TWENTY. TWO. WAIFUS. THIS SERIES LIKE ISN’T EVEN HALFWAY OVER YET AND WE’RE ALREADY UP TO 22. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT A PLAN FOR GIVING EVERYBODY ATTENTION BEFORE WE GO AND—

“Oh, that’s easy,” Vala said.

IF IT’S EASY THEN WE WOULDN’T BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION IN THE FIRST PLACE

“We would because you like to overreact.”

THEN WHAT IS THIS SUPPOSEDLY EASY SOLUTION THAT YOU’RE THINKING OF

“Taking a break from the battle stuff! You know, like… have one volume that’s focused on ‘plot’ stuff and getting new waifus, and then the volume after it is all slice of life and stuff and focused on giving everybody we already have here attention instead of adding anybody new, and then you go back and forth! So a volume of battles and new waifus, then a volume of expanding on all the current waifus, and then repeat!”

“Volumes?” I asked.

“Yeah. You know, like… the volumes of our life! If we split our life into volumes, then each volume would be some period of time involving a few events and stuff! Like… we could say that when you and Window went on your date, had Luca, and then we met Honey and all went on a date to the amusement park together, that would totally be like, the fourth volume of our life when categorizing our time spent together into volumes!”

“Then what would be the time we spent together online before we ever met in reality?”

“Those would be the prequel volumes that will never get written because it would be boring to just write about two people playing MMOs online together.”

“Understandable.”

(insert sighing noise here)

Alright. Fine. I guess that could work. But then what’s this volume going to be?

Vala tapped a single finger against her chin for a couple of seconds in thought before saying, “A plot and new waifus volume! I mean, Zoa already made her introduction, and you guys were talking about how to overhaul the system and stuff, plus we should probably move some of those waifus from the eventual and waiting lists to the actual confirmed list, so this volume can mostly be about battles and new waifus! Then next volume, uh… why don’t we all go on a date to Earth again?”

“Does it have to be Earth?” I asked.

“Heh. So antisocial, you little human hater.”

“I don’t hate humans, I just find all of them annoying except for me and Chloe.”

Chloe let out a sigh of relief, a couple of tears forming at the corners of her eyes. “Good… I was worried you were going to say I was annoying, too. Almost made me cry.”

“You’re already crying!”

“Because I’m happy that you don’t find me annoying!”

“That’s fair. I would also cry from happiness if I didn’t find myself annoying, considering my approval for a human not being annoying is some of the highest praise that could be given across the entire universe.”

“I never thought I would get to turn this around on you, but… you—you’re already crying.”

“Of course I am. I, a human, am not found annoying by myself.”

i swear if your god complex grows any stronger

“But it’s hot,” Vala said. “Even if it means he cries from happiness due to his own approval of himself.”

Claire nodded in agreement and said, “It is impossible for my lord to be anything but ‘hot’ at all times. That is why I should return to our chambers with him so that the rest of you have a chance to cool down. It is my duty as his servant to take all of his hotness into my—”

A stretchy arm reached out from Window’s rectangular window to slap a piece of tape over Claire’s mouth.

Down, you degenerate and busty bat woman! This chapter has been perfectly fine so far without any perversion, and there’s no need for you to bring any—wait. Where’s Mariet’s head?

Everybody looked at Mariet’s headless body to confirm that her head was, in fact, not there.

Not that I needed to look there to confirm it.

Drake… where is her head?

“Window,” I said. “You don’t want anything perverted brought up, so it’s best that you,” I had to pause as I failed to hold back one of the moans I had been holding back, “that you… don’t question it.”

Wait… and where’s Cami?

“Oh!” Delphi spoke up. “Cami said she wanted a bone, so she left to get one! But I wonder why she left by going under the table… maybe there’s a secret portal underneath the table that leads to the land of bones?! Wait! If there’s a secret portal that leads to the land of bones under the table, what if there’s one that leads to the land of soup?!”

A certain, older woman in the body of a much younger girl then let out a soft chuckle. “Heh. Yeah, I bet there is a portal that leads to soup under there… as long as the portal is a zipper and you want some real creamy soup,” Eliza said.

Delphi’s ears and tail shot straight up when she heard that, and she looked ready to dive under the table herself… but Vala, to my surprise, stopped her. “I’m sorry, Delphi, but I can’t let you do that for Window’s sanity. I’m worried she might break if anybody else goes missing. But I promise to help you find the portal to creamy soup later, alright?”

“Oh… alright!” Delphi replied. “As long as I eventually get it, it’s okay!”

Drake… have they… this whole time that we’ve been talking…

“Window,” I said. “I told you, don’t ask questions that you don’t want the answer to.”

I… I just…I just want one chapter… without lewd fanservice…

“It’s your fault this time, Window,” Vala said. “Do you have any idea how much lewd stuff happens when nobody is bringing attention to it? I mean… we’re a bunch of cute waifus with a hot husbando. You should probably be assuming that any time something innocent isn’t being focused on that something lewd is happening. It’s like… Schrodinger’s lewd. Any time we don’t focus on one of the waifus doing something normal, there is nothing stopping us and anybody else from imagining that they’re currently in the middle of something lewd. Even if there’s just a conversation between you and Drake, who’s to say that literally everybody else isn’t currently on their knees in front of him and doing lewd stuff? Unless they’re described doing something else somewhere, then every chapter is a lewd chapter! Potentially. Or they might also all be taking a nap somewhere. Or playing tag. You never know.”

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COMPETE

I’M NOT THAT LEWD AND PEOPLE ALWAYS END UP THINKING THE LEWDEST GIRL IS THE BEST GIRL

ALL I WANT TO DO IS BE NORMAL AND PLAY GACHA GAMES AND BE A GOOD MOM

I’M NOT SOME SEX-CRAVED DEGENERATE CAT GIRL OR ZOMBIE GIRL WHO CONSTANTLY NEEDS SOMETHING IN HER MOUTH

NOT THAT I DON’T LIKE SEX AND THINGS IN MY MOUTH

BUT I DON’T NEED IT ALL THE TIME

“Everybody is the best in their own way, Window. I’m the best lazy dragon queen, Clawdia is the best tsundere cat queen, Mariet is the best zombie maid queen, Delphi is the best soup-obsessed doggo girl, Chloe is the best cries-a-lot human, and you’re the best informational status window! We’re all our own best girls. I mean, you don’t compare an apple to an orange, right? You can’t say an orange is inferior due to not being best apple, because an apple is the best apple.”

I don’t think that’s how the title of “best girl” works, but you cheered me up, so I don’t care enough to say that’s not how it works.

“We’re all best girl on this blessed day. Even Drake. Isn’t that right, Drake?”

I shrugged. “Sure, why not.”

“See? Drake is the best girl when it comes to being a husbando who isn’t actually a girl but still lets himself get called one for the sake of conversation. We’re all the best in our own ways. Just because you’re not as lewd as the others doesn’t mean you’re not still the best in your own way.”

Yeah, yeah… thanks. Anyways, we were supposed to get system building done this chapter but we barely got any of that done.

“Oh, right, I have a suggestion for that.”

What?

“Nobody is actually here for that stuff anyways, so why not just ignore it, let us do whatever we feel like, and then the only actual ‘system’ stuff you have to do is pop up whenever new enemies show up or to go over the results of explorations and stuff? Don’t worry about loot and recipes and materials and stats and all that stuff. Just focus on the flavor stuff.”

Wait, so I’m supposed to do even less system work than I’ve been doing instead of more?

“Yeah. And then that means more time spent with your gacha idol waifus.”

Well, I mean, I guess that’s true.

“And it’s not like anybody still reading this is here for the system. They might be here for the system waifu AKA you, but not the system.”

True. It’s not like they need any more system than me in the first place.

So uh… what now? I was planning on system building for the rest of the day.

“First battle in the new area? Once Drake has recovered, anyways.”

What do you mean once he’s recovered? He—… oh.

I may or may not have been leaning forward onto the table with my forehead down against my arm as I tried not to make too much noise.

“It’s—it’s going to be a while,” I stuttered out.

Cami and Mariet… made an extremely powerful team.