How I Met Your Monster #46

Perchta

Profile:

Perchta, Unaged

Christmas Witch

Likes: cleanliness, fire, hunting

Dislikes: messiness

Bio:

Just looking for friends to join me on wild hunts. Other than that, don't worry about contacting me. If you need to meet with me, I will find you.

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"Wake up!" a shrill voice shouted, jolting me from my bed. I have to say, it's probably not the worst way I've woken up recently, but it's definitely top five.

I rub my eyes, looking around my living room for the voice. At first I thought it was Astrid. When she found out how I had been living recently, she demanded I give her a key to check up on me. I just went ahead and did it. She comes over every now and then to tsk at me, but nothing ever changes. Just another boring routine in my life.

I finally spot who the voice belonged to. At first she looked like a beautiful woman, pale and glowing, a reminder of the snow gathering outside, unbroken and pure. When I blinked, that all changed. The woman in front of me was now hunched over a cane, her face warped and haggard, her nose iron and beak like.

"Are you a witch or something?" I asked her.

"Or something, but I'm not here about me. I'm here about you, Silas Donovan." She picked up her cane and pointed it at me.

"What about me? How did you even get in here?" I got off the couch, moving around her to my kitchen to grab a glass of water, nearly tripping over a cabinet drawer on the ground.

"Seriously? You do what you do and don't know how I got in?" Her voice dropped soft for a moment, matching her younger appearance, but the old witch still stood in her place.

"I don't do anything. I wake up late, eat a meal, play video games all night, and go to bed," I responded.

"Why? The blog was doing so well. Unhinged was ready to let humans onboard and you just stopped. Now look at you. Look at this place. It's a mess. I can't stand messes," her voice turned into a growl, the grit apparent and rattling.

"The blog was pointless. I did my job. The whole point was to decide if humans should be on it or not. To give the quote end quote monsters a feeling of comfort if allowed," I said.

"And you think that job is done?" she said.

"Yes," I all but yelled. "I made it pretty clear that we shouldn't be. I mean, I dated a zombie for years. I've dated vampires and beast-kin before the app even existed. I've hooked up with aliens and elves. I've...crushed and been crushed by a gorgon. If humans and monster wants to date, they don't need an app to do it. And some blog isn't going to help or hinder that."

She looked down her hooked nose at me, her eyes dark but shimmering, "There were those who enjoyed it. Enjoyed hearing about your adventures. Sure, humans don't need an app to date monsters. They also don't need an app to date other humans, but there are tons of those. It's about access. It's about finding a way to meet."

"Then let them on! Who cares?" I snapped, pushing my way back to my couch.

"Your readers cared. There was a clear correlation between people reading your blog and the treatment of non-humans being better. You made a difference. Then you just stopped? Why? Because the gorgon broke your heart? Last I read, you were with a succubus anyway."

"It wasn't fair to her that I liked Vexys," I murmured.

"People liked reading about you," she continued. "Aside from that, I truly can't stand this mess. So here's what's going to happen."

I rolled by eyes, but listened.

"Whether you pick the blog back up or not is your choice. I'm not going to force you. However, you will take a shower. You will clean this apartment. You will find some sort of work, and keep yourself active. This moping around is doing nothing but slowly killing you, and that is a disservice to yourself."

"And if I don't do this?" I asked.

"Then I will slit your belly open, remove your stomach and guts, and stuff the hole with straw and pebbled. Then as you slowly die, I will set this place on fire around you," she said very matter-of-factly.

We stared at each other for a long moment, then I stood up.

"Fine. I'll get to cleaning," I sighed.

She smiled and as a breeze blew threw my apartment causing me to shiver, she disappeared. I'm still not sure how she got in to begin with, but she wouldn't be the first to manage it, and she wouldn't be the last.

Dear reader, it's good to be back. Nothing quite motivates you like the threat of having your entrails replaced by various foreign objects, but I can say with a little bit of happiness that my life is a little better. Astrid showed up while I was cleaning and helped me finish. I then took a long shower, shaving a very unkempt beard while I was at it. My ex then gave me a haircut. For a zombie, she's gotten rather decent at hairstyling. She didn't even freak when her fingers fell off, just switched the scissors to the other hand.

I'm not sure exactly where this blog is going to take me. I'm not on Unhinged's payroll anymore. This is now an independent blog, and the content will be more free of their rules and regulations. I will also get more variety of non-humans to interview and go on dates with, not just the ones they approve.

And with that, until next time.

-Silas D.