DYLAN ||

Raiden left me, he really just...

He left me, I know he's in the packhouse, but not knowing where, which room, which floor was driving me crazy.

Fucking Maddox man! He ruined everything!

I don't know how much he told Onyx, but damn it, why did he even have to open his fucking mouth?! I miss my mate..

I've never felt as scared in my whole entire life than I was when Raiden asked me if I thought about rejecting him when he was in the cells. That was the moment I realized how much I actually liked him, how much I didn't want him to leave, how much I craved his presence.

Watching him pack his bag almost sent me into another panic attack, I hated that he was leaving me. I was finally accepting our bond, trying to get past my damn homosexual panic shit, I allowed myself to feel for him and I liked it. I actually liked it. He's an amazing man and I fucking blew it!

This room feels so cold and weird and lonely without him. Without his cute little mewls inbetween his snores, his big boisterous laugh, his mouthwatering scent, his smile.

Fuck I miss that smile.

I've been sitting here on the floor, leaned against the door, clutching my wooden carved wolf he made me since he left and now it's fucking dark outside. I'm a fucking wreck, I miss him like crazy already.

A month ago, 3 weeks ago, I wouldn't have given this heartache a second thought. I would have just pushed it aside and did something to take my mind off it, but not right now, I couldn't do it. I wanted my mate, that was all I could think about.

I regret everything I've done, I regret everything I've said, every negative thought that decided to creep into my mind and I let them in without hesitation, allowing them to fester and destroy me.

What else did Maddox tell Onyx? Why would he tell him anything that I've said or done in the past? Why?! He fucking ruined everything!

I need my mate...

My heart hurts....

I didn't even get to talk to him about the dinner we have with Alpha Rhogon in two days, I didn't get to tell him how much I wanted him to come with me. How excited I was to be taking my first trip with my mate, but it doesn't look like that's happening anytime soon.

Raiden hates me, that's the only thing I could think about. The only thing I could assume from the way he looked at me, the way he shoved my hands off of him, how much he avoided touching my body when he walked past me.

I looked down at the gift he made me again before I felt the tears brim my eyes for the millionth time. I don't think I've ever cried this much, not since Bennett passed away, but here I am, wallowing in my self created misery.

That's exactly what it is, self created misery. All because I'm selfish and ignorant. This damn homosexual panic wasn't helping. Right now, I wanted nothing more than to just accept my mate, shit I've already kissed him, touched his bare chest, slept next to him. More like against him in nothing but our briefs, wrapped in his arms. I've become a whiny, needy brat for my Raiden.

I loved the way he told me when I did a great job or when he said he appreciated me or he was proud of me. I loved the way he held me the way I've longed for, I loved the way he was so selfless and cared about my emotions and needs before his own.

Then there's the shit I hate.

I hate how selfish I am, how ignorant I am, how scared I am to be mated to a man, but how scared I am to lose him, how I can't seem to put his needs before mine, how I've treated him in the past, how stupid I am. I hate how much my body is calling out to him and I can't have him. I did this to myself and I hate myself for it all.

Raiden left me because of the shit I've said, the shit I've done. He left me because while he was suffering, I was thinking about rejecting him. Which was the dumbest thing I could have ever thought. Homosexual panic, that makes sense, but thinking about rejecting him when he was at his lowest, the level I put him on, was the dumbest shit I could have ever thought.

I was earning his trust, at least I thought I was. His heart was so pure and so good and I think I was taking advantage of that. I didn't have to do much to earn his forgiveness, all because of how amazing he is and I took advantage of that.

He was right, Maddox was right, Onyx was right. I didn't reject our bond in the past because I was scared to be weak, but now I wasn't rejecting our bond because I actually want my mate. I miss him man!

Shit, what have I really done to earn his love? Giving him a kiss, a hug, a few cuddles and some weak ass apologies. That's not enough man! If he did what I've done, I would be making him grovel and beg for my forgiveness for as long as I suffered.

Would I be willing to do that though? Could I be in the cells for 3 weeks without food, drinking water out the sink, getting beaten, sleeping on a thin ass mat on a metal bed with a numbing agent injected into my system daily to keep Maddox at bay.

Fuck!

Just thinking about what he's suffered has my tears falling even harder. Hell yeah I would do that, I would do it in a fucking heartbeat if that meant Raiden would come back to me. I guess I can try to keep hope alive, He hasn't rejected me and he said he wouldn't.

There's still a glimmer of hope that our bond is salvageable. I would try whatever I could to make this work. I know I still need to take things slow as far as sex goes so that I don't freak out on him, but anything else outside of that, I'd be willing to do.

Even go to the fucking cells..

I've only had him for 3 days and already he has my mind wrapped into him and my body craving his touch.

Getting up from the floor, I quickly climb into the bed and stare at the space that's supposed to be filled by my mate.

I miss him....

The hours tick by, sleep never came as I tossed and turned until I got pissed off. Sitting up, I throw the blanket off my legs before standing up.

I want my fucking mate..

Leaving my room, I start to make my way through the packhouse, He wasn't up here on the Alpha floor, so I go down to the second floor, checking all the rooms and huffing in frustration before I make my way to the bottom floor.

His scent was faint down here, so I follow the trail only I could, through the livingroom, then the kitchen, I walk through the second livingroom as I make my way down the hallway.

Coming to a stop outside of the last room in the stupid hallway that was keeping my mate from me, I take a deep breath. His scent invaded my senses all at once, making me shiver.

I had to take a few more deep breaths before knocking on the door.

"Dylan, I know that's you, go back to your room."

I never hated my name more than when Raiden said it. It's only been maybe 5 or 6 hours, but I wanted to hear him call me pups again.

"Raiden can I come in please?" I ask through the door.

"No."

My heart stings at his rejection. Maddox howled in pain, I tried to block him out, I couldn't handle his hurt along with my own. I was barely holding it together as is.

"Please Raiden, I can't sleep."

"That sounds like a personal problem. Go back to your room and leave me alone."

I almost broke down hearing my mate tell me to leave him alone. He's not this heartless, he has a heart..... unlike me.

No, I'm not leaving. I want my fucking mate!

Rolling my eyes, I reach down and grab the handle before twisting and walking inside.

"Dylan, I said to leave me alone." His amber eyes were glowing in the dark room.

"Raiden, please. I'm really sorry for everything, please don't do this." I say, closing the door behind me.

"Get out of my room Dylan."

"I can't sleep without you." I mention, hoping that would change his mind. I really did need him, I haven't been able to get comfortable at all, I prayed that he wanted me too.

"Again, that sounds like a personal problem, I was sleeping just fine before you came bothering me."

I frown at that.

"You were sleeping just fine without me?" I ask, feeling even more hurt than I thought possible.

"Solitary creature, remember Dylan? I don't need companionship to be comfortable."

"Not even me? You don't need me feel comfortable?" I ask, clinging onto the idea that he needed me as much as I needed him right now.

"I thought I did."

The tears fall freely.

"Raiden." I breathe out before wiping my stupid tears. "You don't mean that, I need you and you need me too."

"Leave Dylan."

"No." I shake my head before watching him get off the bed. My heart fluttered at the sight of my mate coming towards me. I knew he was still upset, but I got annoyingly happy just seeing him close the gap between us.

My mate stops right in front of me and I stare into his eyes the best I could in the darkened room, I feel him leaning closer and the corners of my lips tug up into a smile.

I feel his breath against my lips and I suck in my own breath, relieved that he seems to have changed his mind. Then his chest touches mine and I sigh in relief at the touch of my mate.

Slowly I reach up and wrap my arms around his waist then bury my face in his neck, so beyond happy that he didn't push me away. He forgave me, I knew he would.

Thank you Goddess.

Just as I close my eyes and relish in the sensual scent of my mate, I hear the door open behind me. My eyes flew open as I leaned back to look over my shoulder. I see the door opened behind me then I look into his eyes again.

"Leave freely or I'll command you to."

What the fuck?!

We agreed I wouldn't try to command him again, knowing it wouldn't work anyways, but he said he would never command me either. Why? Why the fuck would he say that?

"Raiden." I whispered in disbelief, tightening my grip on him as he tried to pull me away from him.

"Leave Dylan, this is your last chance."

"You won't command me." I say confidently, trying to hold back the fact that I was actually unsure what he would do.

"Don't tempt me, I don't want to force you into submission."

My grip falters as did my previous little bit of confidence and I frown, taking a step away from him.

He just used my own words against me.

I said that same bullshit to him the first day we met. When I thought his anger was wrongfully stemmed towards hurting Gabe for touching me, when in actuality, he was just being a protective mate.

Then I actually tried to make my mate submit, I forced my aura on him, little did I know, it wouldn't affect him at all.

"The past will always come back to haunt you, be careful how you live with your mate."

"Not now mom!" I yell through the link before cutting it again.

I can't do this, I couldn't hear her voice right now, I can't focus on controlling my own emotions while trying to get my mate to forgive me.

"Leave Dylan." He says again, making me hang my head. Knowing he would command me, just like I did him, I slowly turn around and walk out the room without looking back.

Then I hear the door slam behind me and I flinch at my mate's rage.

He hates me.. he fucking hates me.

_____________________________