Later that night, the three of us made our way back over to Josh's house to celebrate with the rest of their family, my mom joking about how now she felt like a third wheel with the two of us.

"I don't want to intrude-"

"You know you're not intruding." I laughed, peeking back at her as she followed us up the front steps to their house. I know that most girls wouldn't want their mom tagging along to Christmas with their boyfriend, but we weren't most families, and I was going to have plenty of alone time with him soon.

And I just wanted her to be included in everything too.

For as much time as we had.

Before we could even knock, the door instantly swung open and we were met with a joyful and clearly intoxicated Sam, pulling Josh into a tight hug.

"There you guys are!" He yelled out, practically swinging him around, but then pushing him out of the way when he saw me waiting behind him.

"Jaime!" He yelled, squeezing me tight. "I was hoping you guys would come back tonight. Did you try your camera yet? You promised I could see!"

"No, not yet." I laughed, hugging him back. "But I promise you will."

"Of course we would." Mom said, chiming in and stepping up to hug him as I followed Josh inside.

I loved how much more casual Christmas day was for them, everyone gathered around, admiring what they had gotten that morning, eating and drinking and celebrating just getting to be together.

Over the years, sometimes I wished that I had a bigger family, but because of them, I never really felt like I was missing out on much.

"You want a drink?" Josh asked, leaning in close. I nodded, flashing him a smile, reluctantly letting go of his hand as he made his way over to their bar on the other side of the kitchen. Panning the room, I saw Jake sitting at their dining room table with their Mom and Dad. He instantly turned to look at me as he saw Josh coming over and grabbing two glasses. I gave him a gentle smile, feeling my cheeks burn.

He took this as an invite to come over.

"Merry Christmas." He whispered, pulling me into a tight hug. I wrapped my arms around him, my heart beating faster as I got a whiff of his familiar cologne. I quickly backed away, seeing his face drop at my reluctance.

"Merry Christmas." I said. "Did you.. get anything good this morning." He shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess so. How about you?" I nodded, hoping that Josh would hurry up.

"Um.. y-yeah. It was.. really nice."

"Good."

This was excruciating.

All I wanted was for us to be okay again.

But I was starting to think that that was impossible.

Him and I, we would always be all or nothing.

"Here you go." Josh said happily, making his way back over and handing me my glass of wine before leaning in and kissing my cheek. I hated to think he was doing this purposely in front of Jake, and that this was just something he did, but I couldn't help but wonder.

"Thank you." I said, smiling back up at him, reaching over for his hand. His smile grew, his cheeks burning red as he took a sip of his own.

"We missed you this morning." Jake said. "We've never had a Christmas morning without you." My stomach dropped. I hadn't even considered that. And Josh hadn't even said a thing about it.

"I know, it was different but.. it was.. really nice." He said softly. Jake nodded, trying his best not to make his now clenched jaw noticeable, but I could always tell when something got to him.

"How was it here?" I asked, trying my best to take the attention off of us. He shrugged, forcing a smile.

"It was nice." He said simply. And I knew that was it.

I then felt Josh let go of my hand, starting to make his way down the hallway before turning back to Jake.

"Hey, um.. can I talk to you for a minute?"

I could tell the night was still early, and if I wanted to do this for Jaime, I was going to have to catch him before he really started drinking. I knew that Jake was upset. I'm sure everyone knew. But this was just how things were now, and the sooner we could all move past it together, the better. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings, but I don't think I have to hide mine in order to keep him happy.

I'm happy. And he should be happy for me.

"About what?" He asked. I motioned away again, making it clear that it was only meant for me and him. He sighed, finally heading down the hall and upstairs. I followed him as he made his way into his bedroom, plopping down on his bed as I shut the door behind us, making my way over and sitting down in his desk chair.

"If you want to talk about Jaime, I don't wa-"

"Not exactly." I said. "I just.. she asked me to get something back from you." His face dropped.

"W-what does she want?" He asked. I could hear his tone. This wasn't going to be easy.

"She said that.. you have one of her Dad's old t-shirts and.. she wants it back." He bit down on his lip, leaning back against his pillow, eventually shaking his head.

"I.. I don't have it." He muttered. My heart dropped.

"What do you mean you don't have it? She said you had it." He shrugged, avoiding my eyes.

"Well, I.. I don't have it. I.. I don't know where it is." I could feel my heart start to beat faster out of anger.

How could he possibly lose something like this?

He had to know what that meant to her.

And it was like he didn't even care.

"You lost it?" I snapped. He glared back at me, pulling his knees up against his chest, resting his chin on top.

"I.. I guess I did."

"Well, can you look for it? It's important to her." He was quiet again, eventually shaking his head.

"Jake.."

"I told you, I lost it. I don't know what else you want me to say. But.. if she wanted it back, why couldn't she just ask me herself?"

"You know why." I said, as much as I didn't want to admit it to myself.

I knew a part of her would always love him.

But I appreciated how hard she was trying to make me feel loved now.

So I'd do whatever I could to make this easier for her.

"Well, you better find it." I finally said, pushing myself up out of his chair. "Before we leave. You need to find it. And you need to give it back to her." He stayed quiet, looking away. I waited for a moment, lingering in the doorway, hoping for something, anything from him, but he just rolled over, now hiding his face in his pillow. I sighed, storming out and slamming the door behind me.

She was right downstairs,

but she felt a million miles away.

And I missed her more than anything.

Never did I think I could ever this way about someone.

Feel so much to the point of driving myself insane.

There wasn't a moment I didn't think about her.

How she looked at me.

How it felt when held me, kissed me, loved me.

And to have that just ripped out from underneath you.

It felt like there was a gaping hole in my chest that only she could fill.

But instead she kept digging and digging, as if wanting it to hurt more.

Rubbing him in my face like this, acting like we were nothing.

We were everything.

And I knew she felt it too.

But why was it so easy for her to just leave?

To just change her mind?

I wasn't perfect, I knew that.

But I was trying.

I was trying for her.

And it just wasn't enough.

How am I supposed to live with knowing that even after giving my all, it still wasn't enough for her. And yet it's like Josh doesn't even have to try.

I don't think I got a second of sleep last night, tossing and turning, unable to think about anything but them, what they were doing..

It was enough to make me sick.

She ruined me.

I was fine.

I was fine with how things were before her.

And then she came in and she destroyed everything.

Leaving me to know what love finally felt like, and then ripping it away.

And even still, I knew I'd come crawling back if she gave me half a chance.

But now I was just expected to sit here and be okay with this?

To watch them together, to see her look at him how she used to look at me, knowing what that means.

I then reached under my pillow, pulling out her t-shirt and nuzzled my face into it, taking in the intoxicating scent of her perfume that still lingered on the fabric as I felt tears come to my eyes, burrowing myself into my pillow to muffle my cries.