《The Official Douche Bag Travel Guide of Chad Barrington》Travel Tip #6: Eat Smart
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Frankie Junior spent the next hour in the pool having the time of his life in paradise. While some kids eventually did come back to the pool, it was still nowhere near as crowded as it was before Chad had tossed the candy bar into the pool. After swimming long enough to look like a prune, Frankie jumped out and walked back to the chair to grab a towel and dry off. Once he was dried off, the young kid put on some sandals and a t-shirt.
"So, what do we do now?" Frankie asked.
"We do dinner," Chad said as he gingerly stood up.
"It's only four o'clock," Frankie told him.
"Close enough," Chad replied defiantly, "I missed lunch and I need sustenance before all these White Russians go to my head. Let's hit the buffet."
It took the a few minutes, but while they were walking to the dining hall to get something to eat, Chad took it upon himself to give the kid a run of the rules from taking full advantage of the buffet.
"Don't fall for carbs," he explained to the kid, "Stay away from rice, breads and especially mashed potatoes. They're a trap."
"How so?" Frankie asked, curious about it.
"They fill you up quickly," Chad answered, "Which means you'll go back for less food and the resort don't lose as much product and saves money."
"So what should I concentrate on?" Frankie inquired.
"Proteins," Chad informed the young man, "Stick to the meats. You're not a veggie or a vegan, are you?"
"Fuck no," Frankie replied.
"Good, but watch your language." Chad said, "I don't mind but someone else might and I don't feel like getting into an argument if I don't have to."
"Alright," Frankie agreed, "I'll cut that out to help our mission."
"Good man," Chad said, patting his shoulder. "Allergies?"
"None that I'm aware of."
"Good, let's attack the seafood."
"Let's go then."
The two of them grabbed plates and walked past the side dishes, eager to grab the stuff that Chad had recommended. While Chad was filling his plate with shrimp, scallops and king crab legs, he noticed Frankie was doing well as he put meatballs and breaded shrimp.
"Good stuff," Chad said, as he pointed as something. "No fries. Go with onion rings instead, they take up less room and are not a carb."
"Roger that," Frankie said as he started putting the rings on his plate.
By the time they got to a table, they both had a pretty good haul of meats and seafood on their plates. Chad had gone above and beyond as he had at least ten crab legs on his plate, as he put his napkin on his chest like a bib as he got ready to eat. They had been eating for about five minutes when one of the staff members walked over to their table.
"Sir," the young lady started, "We're getting complaints about someone hogging all the crab legs."
"Then put more out," Chad replied without even looking at her.
"We will," the lady replied, "But we prefer out customers only take a few items before going back for more."
Chad looked back up at here, "Where is that rule posted? I don't remember seeing it anywhere."
"Yeah," Frankie added, "I didn't see any rules posted. The only sign I saw was all you can eat."
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"Exactly," Chad confirmed, "I realize you're worried about food waste, but let me assure you, none of this is going to be wasted. Please leave us to continue."
"Yes, Sir." The worker said, walking away from the table.
"That wasn't very nice." Frankie observed.
"No shit," Chad confirmed, "Just for that, I'm going to take all the mussels when I go back. That will teach those pricks."
True to his word, after finishing all his crab legs, Chad limped back to the buffet and cleaned out the mussels onto one place, while carrying a second plate to put all the shells onto when he finished with them. He was halfway through eating all the mussels when the manager of the resort strolled up to his table this time.
Chad looked up. "Is there something wrong with my new room?"
"No sir," the manager replied, "I'm here to ask you to not be such a glutton at the buffet. We would like everyone to enjoy the splendors of the spread so it's an unwritten policy to grab just a few of each item at a time."
"I see," Chad replied as he tossed another mussel shell onto his second plate, "If I hadn't been bitten by a spider earlier today, perhaps I could have made more than one trip to the food without suffering."
"What are you trying to say?" the manager asked him.
"I'm saying you're already on thin ice," Chad coldly told him, "Did you know there was a turd in the pool today?"
"That was a candy bar!" the manager hissed back at him, his eyes widened.
"Sure it was," Chad said, smiling. "I strongly suggest that you quit while you're ahead and leave us to eat whatever we want in peace."
The manager paused for a moment, "Yes, Mr. Barrington."
As the manager walked away from their table, Frankie turned to Chad with a stunned look on his face. "How did you do that?"
"Do what?" Chad asked.
"Talk to him that rudely," Frankie continued, "How did you know he was going to take it and just walk away?"
"What you just witnessed was two alpha males locking horns," Chad explained to him, "And when that happens, one of them always blinks and backs away."
"How did you know it would be him?" Frankie asked.
"Because he already did earlier today," Chad replied, "When I told him off about your mom's bug bite and again when I confronted him about my bite. We're both in upgraded rooms because I've already exerted my dominance. I knew he would blink because I've already made him my bitch."
"That's so cool," Frankie said, listening intently.
"He had his chances," Chad continued to explain, "But he backed down each time, submitting to my superiority. He knows I'm not the kind of man to piss off, because I can reign down legal hellfire upon him and his resort. That's why your dad was hung up on every time he tried filing a complaint to the front desk about your mom's bite. They didn't feel threatened by his presence and had no reason to take him seriously."
"That's cold, dude." The kid replied.
"Your Dad's a nice guy," Chad said, "I'm just saying he's not the toughest, and everyone doesn't have to be. I get paid to be other people's bully, like an emotional hitman. I get paid to scare the hell out of people to the point where they drop cases or offer to settle when they find out I'm taking the case. The reason their fear is justified is because I kick ass in the courtroom. I can count on one hand how many times I've lost in court."
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"Damn," Frankie said, biting into a meatball. "You're that good?"
"Yes," Chad said, pausing to take a breath. "But that comes at a price. Being mean to people makes you come off as ..."
"Major asshole?" Frankie guessed.
"Let's go with Douche Bag," Chad corrected him.
"That guy who looked at your foot," Frankie said, "He called you something."
"Yes, he did." Chad confirmed, "Councillor Douche Bag. That's a nickname that has gone viral online over an incident that occurred in court. It's going to take a while to shake that off if I ever do."
"What did you do?" Frankie asked.
"I punched someone in court." Chad answered.
"Who?"
"My client."
"When?"
"About two and half weeks ago."
"Why?"
"That's complicated."
"What happened to your client?"
"He's fine, running for mayor actually."
"You punched the mayor of New York?"
"He's not mayor yet, but he might be soon."
Chad paused for a moment and smiled thinking about what Peters had said to him in the car before he left the country.
"He's doing alright," Chad told the kid, "Not only did he keep me as his attorney, but he gave me a big bonus which is what paid for this trip."
"That is so cool," Frankie said, "You made the mayor your bitch too!"
"Pretty much," Chad said, laughing. "But the judge, ugh, she did not appreciate it."
"What did she do?" Frankie asked.
"Locked me up for two days," Chad answered, "Made me give a damn good apology and I had to agree to therapy for my anger issues."
"You're good at being angry," Frankie observed, "Why are you so angry?"
"That's complicated too," Chad replied, "Very complicated."
"Women?" Frankie guessed.
"Yup," Chad said, sipping his water. "Try to stay away from them as long as you can. Stay young and enjoy your childhood. There will still be plenty of time for them to break your heart."
"Wow," Frankie said, pausing for a moment from his meal. "She must have done a real number on your heart."
"Affirmative," Chad confirmed, "But that's how I knew it was real."
"I don't understand." Frankie admitted.
"A cool cat name Billy Vera said it best," Chad explained, "You can't reach the absolute pinnacle of happiness unless you're willing to risk total annihilation, and Mr. Vera went on to explain occasionally you will get annihilated. That morning will never leave me, the day she completely obliterated me. I was so happy, like a cow that was walking to the slaughter. A naive boy who was so much in love, he never saw the cliff his car was about to fire off of. It was not a pretty sight."
"Geez, man." Frankie said, "Don't hold back there, Chad."
"I'm sorry," Chad said, going back to his mussels. "That doesn't mean it will happen to you, but I hope it does. To be that much in love is almost worth the fall that comes after it. You'll never experience anything like it again, or at least you think you never will."
"That's deep man," Frankie said, taking it all in like a good pupil.
"That's too much deepness for one night," Chad said as he then ate the last mussel on his plate. "You full?"
"Oh yeah," Frankie confirmed, "I can't eat another bite, not even dessert."
"Don't worry," Chad declared, "Dessert is a cheap trap too. Let's head back to your parent's room and watch a movie. I wanna see Deadpool."
Frankie's eyes popped open. "We can't watch that! It's rated R!"
Chad smiled, "Do I look like I give a shit?"
"Oh," Frankie said, smiling back. "Are you sure?"
"Look at it this way," Chad explained, "You know that these are actors, and no one was hurt during production; that it's all fake. Right?"
"Yeah," Frankie answered, "Of course I do."
"Then I don't care if it's rated R." Chad concluded, "Let's go watch it."
"Alright!" Frankie replied happily, eager to check it out.
They were so full that they waddled out of the dining hall like penguins. Chad noticed that his foot didn't hurt as much as it had before but decided to take Frankie to the infirmary to get the nurse to clean it up and change the gauze. Frankie didn't mind, as he knew the movie they were going to watch was worth the patience. Once the foot was patched back up, they waddled over to elevator, and took the lift to the floor where the Anderson's new room was. As they were walking down the hall after getting out of the elevator, Chad shot out an arm and stopped Frankie from walking.
"Hold on a moment," Chad said, "Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" Frankie asked.
Chad could recognize that sound anywhere, but thankfully young Frankie was too inexperienced to notice. It was the sound of springs would make when someone was working a mattress. He didn't know where it was coming from but then a soft moan came from the Anderson's room that told Chad all he needed to know.
"Abort! Abort!" Chad said, grabbing Frankie and starting to walk him back to the elevator. "We'll watch the movie from my new room!"
"What's going on?" Frankie asked.
"Nothing you want to know about," Chad answered, "Unless you want to be in therapy with a licensed professional for the next decade. You can crash on my couch for the night if necessary."
"What about my clothes?" Frankie asked.
"I'll buy whatever you need," Chad answered, "Get in the elevator!"
As Chad closed the door to the elevator as quickly as he could, he sighed knowing he just saved Frankie Junior a childhood trauma. One that wouldn't have been easy for him to get out of his mind, possible for the rest of his life as no kid wants to really know how the sausage is made at this point in his or her life. The good news was the resort upgraded him to was the President's suite. It had two bedrooms, so Chad didn't have to worry about Frankie crashing on the couch. To get the image of what might have been going on in that bedroom, Chad quickly put Deadpool on the big screen and the two of them crashed on the couch to enjoy the film. The first of a few films they'd watch before calling it a night.
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