"So you really didn't try it yet?" I asked, taking a sip of my drink, leaning back up against the counter next to Jaime. I would've thought, getting her her first real camera, that that would have been the gift she was most excited about.

At least I secretly hoped it would be when I got it for her. Every year I always tried my best to get her the best gift. But every year I was always outshone by Josh. And I assumed this year would be no different.

"I promise I will, I told you." She said, taking a sip of her drink as she smirked back up at me. I could feel my heart start to beat faster, the same way it always did when she looked at me like that. It was embarrassing, how much of an effect she had on me, knowing that I most likely had no effect on her at all.

I held my stare on her, suddenly becoming aware that I had already drank too much. But I had to. Over the years, it just became harder and harder to be around her without calming myself down.

And what was even worse is I couldn't do anything about it.

But on nights like these, when she looked at me like that, and I had lost count of how many glasses of liquid courage I had downed before she even walked through the door, it became a little easier to take the leap. Even if it was a small one.

"Let's go get it." I said, putting my glass down and quickly reaching over for her hand, avoiding her eyes as to not get psyched out by her reaction. But she played along, holding on tight as I guided her down the hallway, grabbing her coat from the coat rack and handing it over to her with a timid grin.

"Right now?" She laughed. I nodded, now wrapping it around her and zipping it up. There was just something about her laugh that always made me smile, and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't contain it. I hoped she didn't notice. But I'm sure she didn't pay that much attention to me.

"Sure. Why.. are you busy?" I asked, hoping this didn't spoil my chance at just a few minutes alone with her. Despite the fact that I knew nothing would ever happen between us, there were rare instances when it was just her and I, and for a moment I was able to imagine a world where she could look at me as more than just Josh's little brother.

I'd never admit it, but when I first found out that they had broken up, for a second, a split second, I thought.. maybe. Just maybe.

But that flicker of hope was instantly squashed the first time I saw her sneak off with Jake. I kept it to myself, not wanting to hurt anyone, specifically Josh, but mainly because it hurt me just as much. It was silly to think that just because Josh was out of the way, that there was even a chance of me being next in line.

"I guess not." She agreed, following me out the front door to which I reached back, grabbing her hand again. My face instantly burned red, so I was thankful for the lack of light between our houses, and even still, I'd blame it on the cold weather. But none of those things could explain my unmistakable lovestruck grin as she squeezed my hand tighter when I slowly intertwined our fingers.

It was short-lived, but it was everything.

She let us in, leading me over towards her Christmas tree. I couldn't even remember the last time I was in her house; it had to have been years ago, before her Mom got sick.

We began seeing Jaime less and less.

Everyone could tell how much it affected Josh.

But no one saw how much it affected me.

It was interesting, growing up with Jaime.

Before I even knew what it meant to have feelings for a girl, my love for her was pure admiration. She was so kind and smart and confident. She reminded me so much of Mom, and she just wasn't like the other girls we went to school with. And it wasn't that they were bad, it was that Jaime was just.. so good, it was like.. she didn't belong with anyone else.

Jaime was one of a kind.

Then.. everything changed.

It was a hot, Summer day, hotter than usual. We were all gathered around the hose, spraying each other with the refreshing water that was only a little bit cooler than the heavy air around us.

And then, we all turned at the sound of her creaky back door, watching as she gracefully bounced down her porch steps, and made her way over to us. It was like she was moving in slow motion. Her hair effortlessly flowing from side to side with every step, her freshly tanned skin glowing in the blinding sun, her shorts a little shorter than usual, making my heart beat faster. I don't know what had come over me. I had never looked at her like that before, or rather, had never seen her like that before. She was beautiful, and it was obvious.. everyone noticed.

Ever since that day, my heart jumped at the sound of her back door slamming against its frame, anticipating her walking towards me, making the Earth turn that much slower for those few glorious moments.

I went over, sitting down next to the tree, reaching over for the box that held her camera, trying my best to overlook the other gifts around it, wondering which were from Jake and which were from Josh. She came over, sitting down close next to me.

"I don't really know much about this stuff." She muttered, watching as I turned it on, handing it over to her. Neither did I, but I would learn whatever I had to if that meant getting to spend that much more time with her.

"Yeah, but that's the fun in it. You'll learn what works for you. Sometimes it's better not to know the rules, so you don't have to worry about breaking them, right?" I giggled. She nodded, her cheeks burning red. She took it from my hands, holding up the camera and turning to face me.

I couldn't help but smile with her's being so contagious. I loved watching her learn, discovering so much about herself that the rest of us had known our entire lives.

"Hello world, Sam here." I said. She laughed, shaking her head.

"World? Where do you think this is going?" I shrugged, keeping my eyes locked on the camera, hoping that maybe later tonight she'd go back and look at this, and maybe.. think about me.

But on top of that, the few shots I had taken before she got to our house were finally starting to settle in, and that meant little by little my walls started to crumble, leaving my pining heart dangerously unguarded.

"I like to think that whatever you do.. everyone is going to see it one day, so.. I just want to make sure I cover everybody."

"You're sweet." She mumbled. I was sweet.

"I just think you're special." I blurted out. Her eyes instantly lit up.

"You do?" She asked. I nodded.

"Of course I do." I said, now feeling my heart start to beat faster. It was so easy to get lost in her like this, her eyes glowing from the Christmas lights, the gentle hint of fir tree and cinnamon in the air.

How couldn't someone fall in love at a time like this?

"Say it again." She said, holding the camera back up at me. My heart jumped at the thought of her wanting this on tape. I had to make sure it was good for her.

"I think that.. you're special, Jaime. You are.. smart, and kind, and.. so talented. And you're gonna do something so great one day. And.. we might not know what it is, but.. I know it's going to be great because.. well, because it's you. Of course it will be. And I can't wait to see it. I just hope you remember me when you make it big." I said, feeling like my heart was going to beat out of my chest.

Everything was pouring out of me like word vomit, everything I had wanted to tell her all these years but was just.. too scared, but now.. everything felt right, and maybe, well.. maybe.. she could possibly feel the same way?

She lowered the camera, holding her stare on me. I couldn't tell what she was thinking. I was just hoping it wasn't too much, but her silence was deafening.

"You really mean that?" She asked. I nodded, my smile growing as I slowly reached over for her, gently caressing her cheek. I had pictured this moment in my mind so many times, so many late nights with nothing but the thought of her eventually soothing me to sleep, at least getting to enjoy the made-up world I had created in my mind for the two of us, even if it only lasted until I opened my eyes the next morning.

"I do." I finally said.

"Thank you." She sighed, leaning her face further into my hand. My smile grew as my eyes moved down to her lips, wondering.. was now the time? But my nerves got the best of me, instantly bringing my attention back up to her.

"W-we.. we should head back." She said, grabbing her camera. "They're probably wondering where we went." My stomach dropped. I had pushed it too far. I knew it. I never should have said anything.

I nodded, carefully pulling my hand away before pushing myself up from the floor, hesitating before reaching back out for her, hoping I hadn't completely blown any chance of anything happening. She looked up at it for a moment before taking it again, letting me help her up, pulling her in closer.

"Sam, w-what.. what happened with Leah?" She asked. My face dropped. She was the last person I wanted to talk about right now. That was over. And I didn't want her thinking about Leah when she could be thinking about us.

"It just.. didn't work out." I said, shaking my head as I moved away from her.

"Are you okay?" I nodded.

"I'm fine." I assured her, giving her a gentle smile. And I was. Leah wasn't the one I wanted to spend Christmas with.

"Okay, I just.. I don't know, I don't want you to.. I mean.. you can always talk to me. Cause if you're going through something right now-"

"I'm not going through anything." I said simply. "I'm okay. I just.." I stopped, letting out a deep sigh as I held my stare on her.

Was I really going to do this?

Was tonight the night I finally just.. told her?

Maybe that's all she needed, was to know.

Maybe if she knew how I felt, maybe she wouldn't be scared either.

Maybe.. it I just.. jumped.

"You just what?"

"Jaime, I.. I mean, we.. well, I always felt like.." And then.. nothing. My mind went blank, my mouth went dry. I couldn't. I just.. couldn't find the words.

I choked.

"What is it?" She asked. Finally, I shook my head, biting down on my lip as I looked down, avoiding her eyes.

"Y-you're right, we should head back. They're probably looking for us." I said, hating myself for being such a coward.

"Sam, if.. if there's something you want to tell me-"

"No, it's okay." I said, forcing a smile, but now wondered if this was her giving me another chance. Maybe she already knew.

But even still.. nothing came out. I reached my hand out for her again, hoping she'd at least give me this. She took it, following me as I lead us back over to our house.

As we made our way inside, I heard a door slam upstairs, followed by Josh storming down the stairs, his fists clenched and smoke practically steaming out of his ears. I could only imagine what might've gone on between him and Jake, having had to live with the tension between them over the past few months.

Another reason I knew I had to keep quiet and enjoy these private moments with Jaime while I had the chance.

"Hey.." She said, quickly pulling her hand out of mine, and going over to him. My heart sunk, knowing that no matter what, I was always going to come, not even second, because part of me felt like that would always belong to Jake, but.. after Josh.

"Well, he lost your dad's shirt." He snapped. My stomach dropped. Even I knew how much those shirts meant to Jaime. There was no way that Jake would ever lose that, not after seeing him on tour.

He finally stormed off into the kitchen as Jaime angrily made her way upstairs. I decided to pick my battles, following Josh to try and find out what could have possibly happened while we were gone.

"Hey, you okay?" I asked, going over and leaning up against the counter next to Josh as he poured himself a drink, much stronger than usual. He shrugged, taking a big sip.

"You got Jaime a camera." He said. My stomach dropped again, not knowing how to react. He sounded angry. I shrugged, trying to play it off, knowing he was probably just upset with Jake, this wasn't about me.

"I did." I said softly.

"Why?"

"Because.. she deserves it."

"I know she does, but.. that's kind of a big gift."

You're telling me.

I had been saving up for months to get that for her.

Ever since she mentioned wanting to go to school,

I knew that was my chance to make a.. big gesture.

"Jaime and I are friends too." I said. "And.. this is a big deal for her and I just wanted to help her. We're doing okay, but.. I know it's not something she could afford, I just.. wanted to do something nice for her. That's all." I said, feeling my heart beat faster, trying my best to keep a calm tone. Out of anyone, Josh could always tell when I was lying, and I would rather he not find out about my feelings for his girlfriend at a time like this.

"I'm sorry." He sighed. "I'm just angry. You're right. It.. it was really nice. Thank you for doing that for her. It really does mean a lot to her. And.. I'm glad she has a friend like you. You know, with everything going on."

Friend.

It was like a punch to the gut.

"Of course. W-what's going on with Jake?" I asked, now trying to change the subject, needing to get this attention off of me before I said anything stupid.

"He's probably up there right now trying to convince her how she made the wrong choice again." I shook my head.

"No.." I said softly. "She loves you. I think she's made up her mind." And deep down, I did. At least right now. There was no doubt that she loved Josh, that she would always love Josh. We've all seen it, for our entire life. And whether or not they ended up together in the end, we all know a piece of them would always belong to each other.

"Do you.. see you guys getting married?" I asked, instantly regretting it, now wishing I hadn't taken those shots. He shrugged, but I could see him trying his best to hold in his smile. As much as it killed me, it was nice seeing him happy again.

"I want to." He muttered. I nodded, my face dropping, but suddenly becoming aware that he was looking at me. I forced a smile.

"When do you think?" I asked, wondering how much time I had left to prepare myself. He shrugged.

"I.. I don't know. I mean, I feel like we're.. different. We've.. practically been together our whole lives. So.. I don't know. I don't feel like we'd be rushing, but.. definitely after school. And then.. who knows." I nodded again, staying quiet.

I could already see it.

"I mean.." He added, now giggling to himself. "She did say that she wanted to have lots of babies, so.. she might want it sooner than me." My heart sunk, my body going cold. Babies? She was already talking about babies? With him? I instantly shook the thought of them, knowing how far they've gone, but that was the last thing I wanted to think about, especially considering all of the scenarios I had made up between her and I.

"B-babies?" I eventually blurted out. "You're.. you're already talking about babies?"

"Well, not really, just.. well.. maybe really, I don't know, actually.. maybe she was just kidding but.. part of me feels like she wasn't. I.. I don't know." Every ounce of my being dreading asking this but..

"Are you guys.. like-"

"We don't have to talk about this." He said, quickly cutting me off. I was thankful, but I knew that meant yes.

And I knew that he meant the most to her.

Because despite the fact that our walls were thin enough to know when she was with Jake, Josh was the only one she brought home. And everyone knew what that meant.

"Sorry."