On Splashing! On Dashing! On Thrashing and Slashing! We got a Smashing to do!

Sorry it took so long to get to this, but that is life. Spent December and the first part of January with The-Unspecified-Virus-Of-Unknown-Origin and even since then have had little energy or motivation to do anything short of hibernate. So while I cannot promise to do another smashing for a while, at the very least I had the time, focus, and peace of mind to look at a piece of work and judge it on its own merits.

I read about 12 chapters out of 39. Still not half-way, but covered a good portion of the start, and I found I had enough to say as it was. If I kept going I am sure there would be more to say, and this review would be more valuable as a result, but most of it would just be beating a dead-horse as I have a good sense of fundamental issues that will have a long-term affect on the story. The story is still ongoing and I get the sense it will go on for many chapters because these 12 chapters was just the part that introduced some characters to each other.

TLDR; Street urchin gets adopted by a litter of armor-wearing puppies

Other - Unprofessional - Including quotes from out-of-universe people is bad. It would be fine and enriching for the world if the quotes were from in-universe, but this isn't. That pulls you out of the immersion. I really hope this is just a Wattpad thing, and you will burn this to the ground if you want to publish it on any platform where money becomes a possibility. This will not affect the overall review because I don't think this is a lasting thing and will likely be removed if the author decides to take the story in a more professional direction.

Main Character - Anti-story - Lula Vail, which took 11-12 chapters just to get her name, is a bit of an enigma. Positive things. Lets see. She exists. She seems 12. She has a tragic backstory. Yeah... if the only thing about her is "she has a tragic backstory" then you haven't made a character, you made a victim. Which has a strong difference in their agency, willingness to do something, and character defining moments. Characters are willing to do something about their situation, while victims want others to do it for them. Characters can build themselves up, victims are just parasites. This leads to a whole lot of problems.

Lets see if I can explain this. Emotion exists to create motivation. Motivation, aimed in a certain direction with a goal or objective, exists to create energy. Energy exists to create action. Action is a character-based and character-defining choice that has consequences good or bad. Consequences creates conflict. Conflict creates story.

However, the line that summarizes her the most is "her rage put her to sleep." (this is from the story. I didn't make that up.) The author found it generally an oversight, but this is still part of an overall consistent trait of her. She has a lot of emotion, especially crying and rage, to the point of it being obnoxious, she has little in the way of action. Someone with maturity and self-control could use the energy to plot and plan and be productive with it in preperation for action that requires preparation to be done successfully, but she doesn't do that because she isn't mature enough, disciplined enough, and has ADHD. She isn't just the dog chasing squirrels, she is the squirrel. You'd think someone with the attention span of a chiwawa on LSD would do something besides sit there eating bread. She doesn't talk to people, even when talked to, except one group session of "hit me harder daddy, I can take it". Every single thing she does in 12 chapters is 1. Pickpocket a random drunk. 2. Sleep. 3. say "I can do this all day." 4. Cry in sadness. 5. Cry in Rage. 6. cry in hunger. 7. cry in fear. 8. cry in cry. Her emotion really seems pointless as it goes absolutely nowhere. So I can't really call her a character as she doesn't actually do anything besides exist with her victim status and we, the readers, seem expect to be a pity party. The only character defining moment is pickpocketing a guy in ch3 and then... um... there is nothing to work with after that. She has no character as she has no agency nor even makes the attempt. Everything happens to her instead of her happening to the story. She is anti-story. So while I want to say something nice about her, first there needs to be a character I can say something nice about. You could replace her with a lamp and it wouldn't change much of the story so far.

Give her actions from these emotions that have weight and consequence and internal conflict and she will begin to be a character.

Side Characters - Semi-Smashing - There is a couple side characters in the form of the puppies, otherwise known as knights, that adopted her unofficially. I actually quite liked them. They start off seeming tough and huge, but then instantly behind the armor you see that they are basically a full litter of puppies in a rolling barrel. They are comedic, high energy, polite, and selfless sources of positivity. Instant likability. But also could use it toned down at times because from their roles you still need to be able to take them seriously. They act like 10 year olds. That did well initially, as you took them seriously, but you need to make sure to kept it intact that they are men to be taken seriously when they aren't fooling around. Otherwise their agency (which is higher than the main character) and their power and competence disappear, and they are just worthless comedic set pieces.

The side characters also needs more variety. So far we have one main character that is a crybaby, and we have 4-6 comedians with the same overall kind of energy, the same role, and nothing that defines them differently. Naturally, as time goes on, characters of a team with the same group personality can show individuality, but initially it is a concern I have because they are less individuals and more a group-character.

Grammar - Not-Native English Writer - The author admits to poor grammar and I am pretty sure she is not a native English speaker, but this has to be said. I can still tell what the story is trying to say, but there is a noticeable level of quality this influences on its own. A combination of being extremely wordy while using words and sentences that don't make sense to begin with, combining quotes in paragraphs, hitting the 'next paragraph' button at random times in mid-sentence, using adjectives and verbs that are basically synonyms together which is redundant, being quite heavy handed at times with important information and how it is introduced, and other things that show this is largely unedited and unpolished. There is effort put in, which I like, but the author seems so focused on trying to make advanced sentences with a lot of prose and flowery speech that there is a noticeable neglect of basic things, such as getting basic, important information across in an understandable manner. Imaging attempting olympic gymnastics before learning to walk with strength and confidence, it just results in a lot of flopping around. Many things can be improved with basic fixes, but on a large scale the author might still need to do a full rewrite, because the final point I made won't be fixed with anything less. I will also say if the author wants to do a rewrite, DO NOT DO IT IMMEDIATELY. Take a step away from the story, do other stories, practice, and then come back when grammar and sentences have leveled up. If the author tries to do a rewrite immediately, I do not believe it will be to her benefit because there wouldn't have been enough growth to warrant it.

Lots of useless information taking up limited word space. We dont need to know every time she rubs her eyes, or sighs, or looks around, or changes her clothes, or takes a step, or uses the bathroom, or brushes her teeth, or brushes her hair, or takes another step, or lifts a finger, or has a thought about taking a step, or takes a bite, or takes another bite, or thinks about taking a bite. And we definitely dont need 10-15 word sentences describing each individual one. And half of every scene doesnt need to be repeating her past trauma to continueously affirm her victim status There are numerous times large chunks of her scene can be condensed to "so she got up for the morning" or "she returned home." or even just remove 9/10ths of a chapter with (and this is the important thing) NO INFORMATION LOST. This is just empty filler. A little filler is good to slow down the pace of scenes so it isn't just reading an outline, but this story is already crawling to begin with. It took 12 chapters to introduce a half-way decent cast, and the main character still has not done one action that has influenced the story in any meaningful way.

World Building - Semi-Smashing - The world building is probably the best part of what I have seen so far. There is a living breathing world around them. The engagement with it is minimal, so the quality of that world building suffers, but the environments have care taken to be shown as lively and atmospheric. However, there are two problems, and they aren't because of the world building, but they are things that affect the world building. 1. As said, there isnt much engagement with the world. This is because the only characters we have is a victim, and then after 10-12 chapters we get a sack of knight puppies. So that is a lot of not-engagment going on. 2. We dont have a reason to care where they are or what is in it or anything about the world because we dont have a reason to care about the characters beyond what their victim-status is.

Plot - High-Speed Collision - At a high level the story is not bad. You have a girl who lost her home, possibly of noble lineage, and is forced to survive as a poor person. She takes to being a criminal and after a long series of absolutely random events, ends up in the care of a group of knights.

The problem is in the details and execution of the plot.

Prologue 1 - So we got a woman wanting a house built. She is obnoxious and rude. Not a bad introduction to a possible character and a goal of having something built or her moving to the location. She is not named.

Prologue 2 - And we got a guy pulling a woman out of a well and yelling for aid because she is drowned. Not bad backstory to a character. He nor the woman are named.

Chapter 1 - So we have a girl in a bar looking to pickpocket a guy. She sees some knights and accidentally bumps into them once or twice, which acts as nice foreshadowing. She successfully pickpockets a drunk after being smart enough to be selective of her target.

So far intial chapters go, this is good. It has foreshadowing, it has her taking actions that are character driven, there are consequences as she chooses to steal, it gives a bit of character in showing what she is willing and able to do, and it makes her compotent as a thief.

Chapter 2 - She returns home, goes through her goodies, and has the big sad.

This was partially good as it shows follow up from chapter 1 in what she gained, and that gives a bit of weight to her choices if it is followed up on more. However this momentum and progress is brought to a screeching halt as the rest of the chapter is just her wallowing in self-pity.

Chapter 3 - She sits, eats bread, and has the big sad again. Thats all folks.

What momentum we were building up in chapter 1 and the first half of chapter 2 is now basically gone. She sits and thinks and does absolutely nothing. I could skip this entire chapter and it wouldn't have the slightest affect on the story.

We are now 5 chapters in and 1. the prologues have not be followed up on. 2. The single choice made in this entire 5 chapters haven't been followed up on so it have no weight or consequence anymore. It doesn't matter. You could erase the last 3 chapters now and it wouldn't change anything. 3. All we are left with is a self-pitying victim. I no longer care.

Chapter 4 - She has the big sad, again, again, walks down a random alley, and gets ambushed by thugs.

While I will be among the first to relish in action and consequence and people punching each other, this is just bad in every way. 1. Action only matters when you care about who it happens to, and I couldn't give one shit if they just killed her now and ended the story. She is so stuck in self-pity she can't be bothered to do anything for herself or follow up on her emotions or actions so why should I care? 2. Action matters when it is the follow up of something as the consequences of it. Action is the physical manifestation of internal conflict in story, and as we have no conflict or philosophy whether internal or between characters, then this is just empty of purpose, goal, resolution, and nothing to be gained by anyone. 3. This is something happening to the character, encouraging her retarded victim mentality, instead of her doing something against the story and this being a consequence of it. She has no agency. 4. What one, singular, sole, only action or choice that has occurred in the last 6 chapters is completely disconnected to this, so the one thing she has done thus far is made less and less relevant and more and more utterly pointless. If she had a reputation and was reasonably well known and one of the drunk's friends saw her bump into the drunk and put pieces together that this was her and so they wanted to rought her up a bit and get their stuff back, then we could say there is story here because this would be a follow up on that choice, that action, and give weight and consequence both to the choice and to this event. But they are random people doing random things to a random person for random reasons. So, again, why are the last 6 chapters written?

Chapter 5 - Take a little fragile girl and break every bone in her body on stones, give her a skull-shattering concussion, kick the lining of her stomach into breaking, knock the wind out of her multiple times, use her as a punching bag between three muscle-bound men that can snap her in half with their thumbs for 5~ minutes, basically everything that would kill anyone twice her strength and stamina, and she just gets up fresh as a daisy and goes "I can do this all day." Oh, and then the knights show up, for no reason. And stop the men. For no reason.

I guffawed. It managed to be so rediculas it was funny.

Dues Ex Machina summarises the knights. To be fair, the knights are slightly foreshadowed by being shown to 'exist', but this doesn't account for them appearing out of nowhere at the exact right time and using extreme force. If there was something, ANYTHING, to explain their presence, then it could work. But we dont have one thing to work with beyond "oh hey, you're here. What a surprise!!"

The rest was just... If she can take this, then I fully 100% expect that when she gets her head completely blown off with a death star laser to just get back up again and go "whoo that was fun." What is the point of even attempting the action or damage if damage doesnt exist? Is she going to take on dragons next? Is she made of playdoh? Does every single thing, any of which should have already killed her several times over, just bounce off her skin? You can SAY there is damage, but it is not SHOWN. There is a lot of words put in to describe the pain, but it means nothing when she just jumps around like nothing happened and keeps egging them on.

Chapter 6 - She wakes up injured. We are introduced to the knights. She has a big sad, again, again, again.