5.06

“Fifty-three, NEVER order ‘juice’ at a dwarf bar. My throat is still burning and it isn’t just from the Crusaders sent to slay me.” - Excerpt Emanuel’s Enchiridion of Encounters

Noam yawned as he stepped out of the Wayshard. “Goddamn, what time is it?”

“Nine-forty-six,” I answered. How convenient of me to keep a clock on my IRL UI at all times.

“Still time then,” he muttered, “you showing for class today?”

I shrugged, “I have nothing better to do.” More specifically Decs had nothing better to do. The amount of mental reprogramming we’ve experienced so far was… worrying. My current brain was never human, but the quirks were just showing now. Shame I couldn’t have Declan confirm physical attraction with the girls before, it would’ve been an important indicator to see how far I’m gone.

“Spawns looking pretty lively,” he said as he looked around. Players were rebuilding, repurposing old stores for the new.

“People are stubborn,” I answered. “Remember the swamp?”

“God fuck I wish I can forget,” he replied with frustration, but his face was fond with nostalgia, “those Emerald Sword assholes wouldn’t leave the zone.”

What kind of name was ‘Emerald Sword’ anyway? Gems make shit swords.

“Took us forever to root them out,” I said, remembering how we finally got the top-guild to leave.

It involved a lot of fire.

“Oh yeah,” he started, as if suddenly remembering something. “What’s your take on Impact Points?”

“Useless mechanically unless you want to start min/maxing a new character,” I answered. “And even then you need good practical and theoretical knowledge of class and race combinations, which is effectively infinite with the amount of choice we have.”

He tsked, “Everything’s bout min/maxing for you. Play an idiot build once in a while. You’re gonna have way more fun with the challenge.”

“Unfortunately my normie energy forces me to play on normal difficulty first,” I drily answered. “Why ask about IP?”

“Got a shit ton after the last level,” he quickly tapped the air a few times. “Two-eighty-seven.”

“That is a fair amount.”

He chuckled, “Yeah, apparently fucking up a lot of people gives you a lot.”

He quietened, “That all you can think of using it for?”

“Yeah,” I answered.

“Are there giant monster options?” he suddenly asked, “Like huge-ass kaiju level monsters?”

“Yes,” I answered, and he rather excitedly opened up the IP store and began searching for them.

“Holy shiiiiiiiiiiiit,” his voice petered off as his excitement died down and he fully registered what he was reading. “Fuck these options are shit aren’t they?”

“Yep.”

The problem with playing badass giant type monster characters was that the really strong ones tend to be Age-Type Hetermorphs that relied on the same time based levelling as I did. Which also meant that when you purchased these options you weren’t getting the badass plasma breathing kaiju version that torched cities, but the tiny normal breathing baby dog-sized version of it.

“Most of them have negative racials that are crippling to the early game,” I calmly said as the hope in Noam’s eyes died a cold death in an uncaring world.

“Dragons, for example, have the horrifically bad ‘Draconic Superiority?’ racial skill that makes the archetype completely unable to take classes. They can still get levels, but since they can’t get classes means they can’t put those levels in classes, and since their Dragon racial class already has Age-Type Heteromorph it means they also can’t put those levels into the racial. And since they didn’t spend those levels they wouldn’t get the benefits of those- look do you get what I’m putting down here.”

Noam nodded, his face scrunched up in almost disbelief. As if he physically couldn’t comprehend just how bad an option it was.

“It basically means anyone starting out as a dragon would be stuck on level one for several decades. No stat increase, no becoming stronger. And since their growth is linked to their level, they’ll remain the small baby dragon for that time,” I said. Given how Age-Type Heteromorph was worded, only time actually spent inside that body counted, so every death also barred you from making progress with the skill. It’ll be small, a few minutes per death, but it’ll stack. Notably, these debuffs didn’t apply to Dragonborn or Pseudodragons, who were significantly weaker and didn't have the Age-Type Heteromorph skill, seeming more like a normal Traveller race.

“Time-fluid zones existed,” I said, already thinking of ways around the debuff, “time acceleration and deacceleration and whatnot that could be exploited, but places like those such as Arcadia and the World Blight are more defined by their unpredictability. Sure you could try to see if time accelerates for you, or equally likely you get put in stasis and wake up several centuries later with the existential realisation your real-world self died of old age in what felt like a few seconds to you.”

A dragon Traveller levelled at a crawl. A level one dragon was probably a match for any normal level three Traveller, maybe more if the matchup was good, but the problem was that a normal player simply levelled faster. Assuming our current EXP gain rate was normal, a Traveller would be level ten before the dragon even dinged the second level. Of course, dragons out scaled everything, eventually, but the insane commitment you had to make was simply put far beyond anything worthwhile.

“A skill like Age-Type Heteromorph works only as a side progression, not something that’ll supersede normal progress.” A skill like that simply didn’t work on the time scale a human could easily comprehend. Even now we only had, give or take thirty-forty years, a two hundred year lifespan. Waiting that long to naturally ding like, two levels, was far too incomprehensible and low reward for it to be really worth it.

Noam tsked, “Goddamnit why are all the cool things so hard to get?”

“Hey, at least you don’t have to worry about pay-to-win,” I chuckled.

“The pay-off is insane though,” Noam noted, “can you imagine a player dragon who respawned every few minutes? They’ll be a fucking menace even if there were just one of em.”

“Indeed,” I agreed, unlike us who could potentially be restrained by humanoid cells, a dragon was in a completely different weight class. “But what kind of insane individual would commit that much time to do that?”

“Have you seen MMO players?” he asked as he lightly threw a punch towards me. Which I easily avoided.

“True, but assuming one to one time conversion, such a problem probably won’t appear in our lifetimes.”

Funnily enough, the best way to get anywhere as a dragon Traveller would be to just spend the first several centuries holed up in a cave somewhere. Which really did fit the dragon idea didn’t it? A lazy neet that relied on their own gifted talents to breeze through everything rather than doing actual work. I can see the appeal of hunting those lizards to extinction already.

“If I had to play a dragon,” I began, “I would seek alternate power scaling options, like the Eye I have.” I gestured towards the covered hole. “So that you won’t be powerless for several decades.” A somewhat viable option, if I didn’t only have one case to study. The viability of replicating this was still unproven and not yet a viable alternative. Hmm… I need a way to contact the Historian again, he’s a rather informative individual.

“Yeah, or you can get people to guard you,” Noam said.

I raised an eyebrow, “And you think others will have the same patience you have?”

“Nah,” he replied, shaking his head, “I’m saying they’re a great option once you have an established guild and system. A final late-game trump card for already powerful guilds.”

“Could work,” I said, “But that is assuming the guild can afford to have one of their players become inactive just to stack a dragon.”

While I was a digital clone, it seems that any one player can only have a single instance running around at any time. “There are spells that can clone you,” I idly muttered, “artificially increasing the number of Travellers. I believe Fungalmancers had several Paths just dedicated to that, but whether those clones would be able to respawn or swap characters was still in question.” Likely not, no matter the investment, it would simply be too powerful an option.

Noam pffted, “Yeah, if you had the option then definitely not. We can’t handle more than two of you running around.”

I raised an eyebrow in question as he stood back up.

“If there were three of you then the world would get taken over.”

I rolled my eye, “Impossible, and not the point. Why would I want to take over the world? Every asshole in existence is in the world.”

“Fair ‘nuff,” he replied with a chuckle.

Then with an… uncharacteristically introspective tone, he said, “I really don’t know a lot huh?”

I stared at him.

“Who are you and what did you do to-”

He kicked me and pretty far at that. I rolled at least five metres before a pillar stopped me.

“Since I am a magnanimous ruler of the world, I’ll forgive you for that,” I said while still laying on the ground.

“And I am the great despoiler of worlds,” he dramatically orated as he came and pulled me back up. “Fear me.”

“Oh horrific monster,” I began, “please don’t show your face to the world. The children can’t take it.”

He went for the punch but I was waiting for it this time. Yellow spores sprayed onto his face and the sneeze knocked him off course just enough to miss me. I hit the back of his knees with my staff as I rose past him, knocking him down as he tried to wave away the spores in his face.

“Why’d you ask?” I asked, pretending that didn’t happen.

Still sniffling, Noam stood up rubbing the spores out of his eyes and nose, “I figured I should start learning stuff. I have no idea what the hell most of the crap you’re talking bout when you spoke about Indiri.”

“You and learning in the same sentence? Impossible.”

It was a roundhouse kick this time, but I saw it with my manavision even if I wasn’t facing him. Since I was short I just knelt a bit and the foot passed over my cap harmlessly.

“We still have time, so let's pass the library. We can afford a few books to carry around for learning material,” I said.

“Sounds like a plan.”

As we walked to the Wayshard, I began, “You know I never got that saying. Like ‘sounds like a plan’, that’s goddamn obvious…”

“Hagatha’s Horrible Histories is a good place to start,” I said as I stacked the book unto the pile. “Nothing new but presents history in a friendly and rather comedic manner.”

I wouldn’t start him on the Historia, not only was that thing encrypted in an eldritch sort of way that made my head hurt, making it literally unreadable, perhaps save if you used its ability, I also only had the one copy. Other options available in this library were just shitty hot takes from ‘philosophers’ that have been dead or irrelevant for decades.

“Umm…”

“Gigantes World Geology is an excellent primer to country locations and their general thing,” I said whilst grabbing two other books, “Enchiridion of Encounters and Horrors and Wonders are formatted poorly but offer better glimpses at the specifics. Both Lithian and the author of Enchiridion are well travelled.”

“Uhh…”

“Another thing I suppose is the God Encyclopedia. They only include the two hundredish gods from Braunad, less info on ones from Branika but that’s because it’s less explored,” I stacked a book at least five bibles size onto the pile. “Don’t worry though, only about fifty gods are actually relevant.”

“I am severely regretting my choices,” Noam muttered.

“And this one is important,” I said, grabbing Yolo’s Guide to Monsters, “good primer on multiple monster types. They seem similar to old table-top creatures so you can do downtime research, I suggest looking specifically towards fiends and aberrations. Those are the most fucked types.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’ll save you world geopolitics for now. Most of the books are out of date and largely theoretical. Just know most nations are in a neutral state. Elven Council and Dwarf Imperium have an active alliance against goblins in Branika as well as Braunad. The Western Kingdoms are in a constant state of civil war and…” I scratched my chin. “We’re currently in a state like mid-colonisation America. Multiple nations are exerting their influence to try and claim parts of Branika.”

“Fascinating.”

“Also important to note is that there are several high danger locations. The Oasis, the Abyssal Scar in the Tyrian, Silent Bastion, Shadesmar and Arcadia. All of them are pretty fucked and should only be mid-end game zones for us. Maybe except for Silent Bastion but we would need to apply for an undead hunting permit.”

“Can you just kill me? Like stab a knife into me and really twist it in there.”

“Oh! And how could I have almost forgotten ‘So You Want to Throw a Fireball?’!” I said, grabbing another book. That was an enjoyable one. Magus Smar Da Ten Yu gave a pretty pithy explanation on the basics and magical ‘laws’ which tended to be the most constant in multiple systems, while never denying that any ‘laws’ were just made up frameworks to make magic casting easier. Unfortunately, more advanced books couldn’t be found here.

“...Cause getting stabbed is really less painful than this.”

“That and Catherine’s Surprisingly Uncommon Common Senses should be all that you need,” I said as I turned back to Noam, who was now hidden behind the pile of books he was carrying.

“Do we really need this many?” he asked, arms straining slightly.

“I’ve already stricken two-thirds of the list because of our carrying capacity,” I answered, to which he seemed to slightly pale.

“Are sure you’re not just randomly taking books? Like how bout this,” he pulled out a random book on his left, “Why You Should Never Trust Gnomes by a Proud Elf- Nope!” he shoved the book back.

To my raised eyebrow, he said, “Ok maybe that was a bad example, how about this…” he pulled out another book, “Why You Should Never Trust Elves by an Even Prouder Gnome-” he squinted, “-Exquizitine Bublei-Schwinslow Hackslashinfourth The Eighth… What the fuck?”

“Yeah, gnomes apparently have stupid names here, remember the other one at the cave?”

“Fucking hell I thought she was joking,” he shook his head, “Goddamn I’m not sure what I’m more surprised by. The fact that I pronounced that all on my first try or the fact there are at least seven other gnomes named the exact same way.”

“Yeah, Noams amiright?”

He stared at me, eyes completely unblinking. “How long were you waiting on that?”

“Bout thirty minutes after I met up with you and learnt your name,” I answered. “But seriously though, I’m pretty sure gnomes only have stupid names because people kept mistaking them for halflings.”

Together we headed toward the front desk, “And what is the difference between a halfling and a gnome?”

“We are objectively taller,” a third voice added.

The question on Noam’s lips died as he saw the short person behind the counter. “Umm…” he struggled for a moment, before asking, “And you are?”

“Isn’t it obvious with my superior stature standing above all other creatures?” the librarian said as he hopped off his seat, showing he was barely a few centimetres taller than the counter.

I tilted my head, noting the fact the last time I was here the librarian had a nameplate, which was now notably absent. Noam glanced at me and I quietly mouthed, ‘Stepped on this hill, died on this hill.’

Rolling his eyes at my supreme act of assistance, he instead, traitorous scum that he was, decided to sell me out. “Ah, cause Dust’s here was just saying how gnomes were only different from halflings because they have long and pretentious names. So I was rather curious.”

“Greetings formerly Rather Curious,” the librarian said as he gestured at us to hand over the books, “what name doth thou currently have?”

“... Noam,” he said and I had to suppress the urge to die then and there.

“Fascinating,” the librarian dryly said as he scanned our books.

“Completely out of respect for the culture and the-'' I put my hand on Noam’s shoulder. Giving him a look that said, ‘One of these days you will commit a race crime and I will laugh so hard at you but currently it’s just too painful to watch so stop.’

Intelligent individual that he was, he caught onto the subtleties of my message, or maybe he too was dying inside and the part of his soul controlling his voice box up and left for the heavens at that exact moment. Who knows?

“Do you want the package discount for that or not?”

“We would like the package discount,” Noam replied in a defeated voice.

“Then that’ll be forty gold,” he replied, “Chrys or debt?”

“Chrys I think?” I answered, “The one where we pay straight gold.” He nodded and I was already counting the required gold pieces before I passed them over the counter.

He took it, “Hmm… I’ll have to get the copying spells ready.” He shooed us away, “Tally-ho now.”

We turned to leave, but once both our backs were turned, my manavision caught the slightest smirk bloom on that librarian’s face. I quickly turned around, only to find him stern and busy sorting some papers.

Though he was obscured completely behind the counter from normal sight and also turned away from me, there was a slightly cheeky glint in his eyes as he seemed to look at me. Back still facing me, he put his index to his mouth and let out a quiet *shh* sound.

If there was one thing in common with both halflings and gnomes, it was that they were both as dickish as Noam.

I followed behind Noam, who had ‘strategically retreated’ outside the library, looking rather normal to anyone who didn’t know him. Unfortunately for him, I did, and his forced neutral expression didn’t fool me.

“Gnome racism intended I guess,” there was the slightest twitch in his arm.

“But I guess you didn’t mean it, gnome matter what happened.” An eyebrow this time.

“C’mon? Aren’t you fine with a little joking with the gnomies-”

He whistled, loudly, “Woo wee!” he threw his arm in the air, “Look at the time!” he said whilst having no accurate way to keep track of the time. “Didn’t you say we have a gosh darn adventure to go on! Let’s go!” he began ‘strategically retreating’ away from my general existence.

A chuckle escaped my lips as I followed him. His enthusiasm slowly mounting as we- well, he left this episode behind him.

“Yeah… Let’s go on a grand adventure! Nothing but the packs, wind and roads on our backs!”

*CHOOOOOOO!!*

“What the fuck!” Noam exclaimed, wildly gesticulating, “Trains existed! You didn’t tell me trains existed! Was I supposed to know trains existed?”

“Yeah?”

He shook his head, grabbing onto his own horns, “Like trains! Actual legitimate steam-powered trains!?”

“Yeah?” I replied and steam seemed to billow out of his ears.

Realising I have little to contribute to his freakout, I glanced away from the freaking out form of Noam, to the silent form of Utoqa, who was quietly looking over the metal contraption before us. “Ever ridden one of these?”

“No.”

“Well they are fast, get between-”

“Places easily yeah,” Noam interrupted. He started violently ruffling his hair, causing a fair amount of dandruff to fall. “Probably the most fucking important invention of the Industrial Revolution yeah. But fucking trains!? Really!?”

“You live in a world where I am a magic mushroom, you’re friends with a gecko who crafted a sleep grenade from my finger, fire breathing lizards that defy all known laws of physics fly around and lay waste to towns and cities and trains are where you draw the line?”

“I am not a gecko-”

“It’s not that I’m drawing a line its that I’m fucking having genre shock right now! Like trains! I thought this was a medieval setting!” he ranted.

“You can literally light people on fire with words. What’s the greater logical leap? You making a ‘your mom’ joke and someone bursts into flame or someone figures out steam power?” Though more accurately a Traveller, likely a test AI, introduced the idea of a steam engine, but still, the point stands. “Someone’s gonna figure out this shit eventually. It ain’t exactly a complex invention.”

“But it’s a meaningful one,” he stressed. “Like are we just gonna cover the entirety of the continent in like the span of a month or something? And why do people even need trains! They can teleport!”

“That’s the plan,” I answered. “And teleportation via Wayshards have limits ya know? You get Shard Sickness after taking it for too long and each person has a carrying capacity. So trade and supplies still need a way of effective transport. Not to mention Rifts.”

“Indeed,” surprisingly Utoqa spoke, “we made many detours to ensure Naukoth’s… tool… came with him. Taking it on too many Shar’Kilits broke the strings-” Utoqa turned his attention in that swift, jerking animalistic matter of his, towards somewhere to the left of us.

We followed his gaze to see two people far on that side of the deck. One figure hooded in a ratty cloak trying to hurry into the carriage, dragging an elf with three swords on her belt, who was glancing between us and her. That person was… what was her name?

“Celine?” Noam half-yelled.

She stopped her attempt at dragging the poor elf, letting out what seemed like a sigh of defeat. Then appeared to muster confidence for a solid five seconds before finally waving towards us.

“Huh.”