“Bippety bopcha, what's new in gacha. SirSuccess here, and have you ever played Paradise the Enchant on mobile and said to yourself, hey me, fix your collar? Probably, but then have you ever gone on to say, man, the problem with this isn't the performance, or the bugs, or the simplistic content made for children, not as in people uninterested in challenge but apple-of-their-mothers'-eyes children, but that it isn't a board game? Well have I got the digital entertainment for you!

“Paradise the Enchant: Around the Wonderland is in open beta, and maybe I should have said some of that stuff earlier that I didn't. I'm having a better time than I ever did in Paradise, and don't tell the Bible I said so. I especially like, check this out, especially like the 32-player mode, that's right, it's come to this genre too. The number is usually a bit higher than 32, but you're usually not trying to get people to play a mobile board game. It's a smart adjustment. And the matches go fast, I mean pizza-in-a-dorm fast, which is usually the problem with board games. You're rolling, you're buying properties, all at high speed, and the menus are laid out so you can do everything with two, three taps at most. You all take your turns at the same time and then the game calculates everything that happened, so you don't have to wait for Uncle Charlie to rattle the dice around like it's gonna win luck over to his side if he does it enough.

“That's the big selling point that you put right up front on the product page, but I'm also into the singleplayer mode. And I do mean a mode, with characters, bosses, special abilities . . . Who ever heard of ultimates in a board game? Sure, we all whispered into our pillows that we wanted the dog to be different from the car, but what happened was that we got a quarter, and only if we put a tooth under there first. But here they are, and that's where the gacha comes in.

“So the good news is that I've been having real fun in the beta. The bad news is that I'll probably be done with it before launch. We have to be honest with each other. I want the comments to be full of people being honest about their impressions of Around the Wonderland without telling me the channel's still going to be mostly Project Contrails and Commandment of Hero for the foreseeable future. I already know that. Brides soon!”

Freegate! The fortress conquered by Cadmos in Part 1 of the story and, for the players, the background behind Commandment of Hero's menus. Within those adamant walls, black and foreboding, no elephants raced (for space reasons) and no hula-hooping went on (for expired fad reasons), but the officers still had their fun in the most venerable fashion, that being alt speculation.

“Brides are coming up. I don't feel confidence in my list.” Jonathan Brightwater looked over his notes, as intimidating in his thoroughness and dedication to predictions as in his height. No, more so. Stumans barely even seemed big ever since a hydra started to slither through the halls.

“Oh! Excuse me! I'm very large!” the hydra explained as it bumped into Christmas centaur Waltzing Rudolph.

“It's my fault, Smidgen. I should have noticed you. Because of how large you are.”

“I am considerably huge!”

Tinni Ilx weaved between those oversized officers and entered the lesser hall, where many officers of leisure relaxed from the stimulation of all that tomfoolery in the resort areas and shopping districts. “Did I make it in time for some bridal gossip? Or do I have to accept my alt without it? Ha ha! Ha.” A detective with a background in physical therapy might have noticed slight signs of agitation in her too subtle for the ordinary officer, such as the way she wrung her clothes in her hands or the tears. The ordinary officer ignored the distress of others as a rule. Out of politeness? Could be.

Jonathan Brightwater began holding up fingers. “Point one. There aren't many luman women in the game. Luwomen? Four in all. Vritia Umox was a bride last year. Another one's a Rare. That gives you almost a fifty-fifty shot, provided that a female luman is included. Point two. Is a luman a given? It can't be for every event. We have other races and not enough lumans. My projection is that you'll get in the summer event next year.”

Tinni Ilx, mollified by that glimpse of a better future, sniffed and blessed Jonathan's credibility-conferring glasses. Gintus Pelluina, the hard-hearted Strategist, cared nothing for her joys and sorrows but rather continued the pre-Tinni discussion. “You've considered the usual candidates, of course. Georgia Anne Cooper, Minsie S. Triddel, Quircy Rau, Inorrea Villeria. So confident we always are, and in the end we rejoice when we guess but a single one correctly. What makes the upcoming event unusually puzzling for Jonathan Brightwater? Could he be wondering whether Aerywe Beruvo is a candidate?”

A tremor ran through the hall, no, all of Freegate. After some officers picked up Smidgen and yet another centaur who had collided with it, Solemn Declaration to be a tattletale, people were still surprised. “That can't be true!” Tinni's voice threatened to enter the part of the spectrum the unkind call wailing, but she recovered and brought it down to a plaint. “I don't understand the thought process. We've never repeated an alt like that before. I know she's used more in her original version, but that shouldn't be a consideration.”

Jonathan Brightwater took off his glasses and leaned back. “Would it be a repeat? That's the question. Certainly she's dressed bridally and even called Aerywe Bride, but she remains a Valentine's alt. The bridal spotlight hadn't been split off as a separate thing yet. That means, even if we eliminate all previous brides, Aerywe Beruvo may still be a candidate. Enid Rosebouquet too, while we're at it.”

Gintus nodded, and all around the hall, officers tore up their lists whether physical or mental. Super Rare Hyl DeMereanch got up from a settee, which is a special term for a couch too fancy for Rares to use. “Looks like I'm starting over. It's almost time for the next Public Service batch; I might as well look in myself and clear my head.” He left the upscale interior room and dodged centaurs on his way out of the keep into the courtyard, the gathering place of the sporty, the outdoorsy, the low-raritysy, and in that era, the UTASes. Officers and copies of officers stood around the bulletin board while they waited to find out who would be sent out on Public Service, dispatches, expeditions, whatever they were called. A rose by any other name is still rowing a boat or putting out a fire for several hours straight so the player can pick up some rewards earned passively, except that people like roses.

Nowhere more than that had the old Commandment of Hero communal culture suffered erosion as a result of recent developments. Before the age of empires, all officers not out on some other duty gathered there, all alike in their fear of being dispatched. The only real officers in the yard that day, however, were either natural-born ease-takers such as Clazdius Oranio, a man with the patience for fishing and a stomach able to handle what he caught, or else permanent vacationers so accustomed to constant stimulus they forgot boredom existed. Plus Cadmos.

“Hi, Hyl. Have you started feeling guilty about neglecting your responsibilities? As far as community service, I mean.”

“No.”

“Oh.” Cadmos rubbed the back of his neck. “Just me, huh? So what are you doing here?”

Hyl shrugged. Whatever impulse drove him outside had long since left to encourage a retiree to take up painting.

“Hey, wow, is this a new live performance where SRs and URs get embarrassed? Some kind of awkward comedy thing? Finally, something good! Out of my way! That front-row seat is mine!” Tramda Olex ran up, a Rare who most certainly was on not a single bride prediction list, whatever her luman status, which was 1 as opposed to 0. Other Rares followed in the hope of seeing some discomfiture. A foolish maneuver. Tramda, Dennet, Reginald, Clyse, and Ipons Ulsrada were all snatched up by the Public Service auto-fill function and disappeared. Not only were they consigned to hard labor in the rowboat and kitchen stations, but seeing that happen cheered up Hyl DeMereanch sufficiently that he sauntered off, whistling.

Ulrik and Road Empress Vinnette Melban hustled over conveniently late. “I missed the show,” Ulrik said. “Cadmos. Do something embarrassing. Don't let Tramda's dreams go unrealized.”

Cadmos considered the request with all the sincerity a typical main character possessed, which was enough to move the world. In the story, anyway. “There is one thing I'm embarrassed about. My gear still isn't where it was before Beryllia's Eclipse alt was put in the gacha. I would appreciate it if you came on Vigilant Patrol with me.”

“Sure!” Vinnette said.

Ulrik, overcome by sadness, shook his head. “That is embarrassing. Double embarrassing. First, because you just lied in an attempt to trick us into being helped by you. Second, you think Rares are too weak to farm Starclose gear. Princess Melban. Tell him how right he is.”

“We died so many times . . . but it was fun . . .”

“Cadmos. Can you promise not dying will be as fun?”

“I can't, Ulrik. I honestly can't.”

The human condition is one of uncertainty, and officers are pretty much humans except completely different in a lot of crucial ways. The doubt raised then as to the merits of winning versus dying only increased the excitement of those three officers. They soon rounded up a full group. Who could handle the Vigilant Patrol replacement for the mid-boss, a nasty Gramlin of the Inferno variety? Nobody else but UR Flood Warper Bel Felicitous Fasde! “I'm not a Warper if I don't make use of my lens when people need me,” he said, holding forth a circle colored like stained glass through which he focused his psychic powers according to Commandment of Hero's dense fantasy lore. As for his hair that crossed over itself, what could be a more modern character design than that? Success was guaranteed already.

But what about extra success, like when you get 101% save file completion in D***** K*** C******? How about another Flood? Cloton Zvolo happened by, the luman rocker whose skin resembled amethyst and whose class resembled Cadmos's.

“Usually two tanks are to be avoided because both tanks are good at their jobs. We have Cadmos though, so we need a backup.” Ulrik's reasoning won universal acceptance, even if there were some hurtful words said about his own capability as a damage dealer. Something to the effect that Vinnette Melban performed well enough as a Medic, but no other Rare was ever worth nothing.

“Back when players farmed General Mummy constantly . . .”

Bel interrupted Cadmos's defense. “Times change,” he said, and no one honest was able to deny it. Somewhere, Hyune Giling dropped his book, stung by an unseen force.

As for Cloton's reason for signing on, his new groupmates thought it unimpeachable. “Road Empress Vinnette Melban. Road Empress. Unbelievable! They gave a Rare a Class Evolution! I still can't, I never will, get over that. And they let you keep your big land tank thing from Dust and Highway. Are the developers that lazy? Or maybe they're blowing past convention into a free-use future. Whatever. I wanna see how you heal, Road Empress!”

“Like this!” Vinnette tapped Ulrik with her staff.

“Savage.”