My brother is dead....

Should I be in any grief?

Is this how someone grieves over a lost one?It was different when my parents died, I didn't want them to die. My brother on the other hand I did want him dead. I didn't hold anything against him, he wanted me and Brahms dead so we had to. Is it normal to think in such a way, that his life didn't matter?

Maybe I'm overthinking.... Maybe I'm in shock.... Maybe..... Maybe.

Sitting in the library trying to escape in the books that surround me, not wanting to think about what had happend the past 24 hours. Wanting to escape this reality for something else a better life without this pain, I want to start all over again with a happy family with a brother that loves me and wants the best for me. parents that want me to do things that make me happy, and most of all I want to do normal things. Go to school, partying after school with friends.Thoughts that shouldn't be there, thoughts that give me only more pain and nothing more. A fantasy about a life I will never live.

I've stopped reading it doesn't do much most of the books don't tell me the story I want to read, the reality I want to escape to. None give me it so my time is spend looking outside to the birds that fly freely without a care what happens around them. That is what I want.... To be free.I'm so deep in thought that I don't notice the figure standing in the doorway looking at me, his mask clean from the blood that spilled itself on the mask. Blood that was my brothers, now he is dead in a hole somewhere only the killer knows that is standing there looking at me.

Should I ask him where my brother is? THOUGHTS

Should I be bothered by his presence? THOUGHTS

Should I run away and never look back? THOUGHTS

Am I still living the life I want to live? THOUGHTS

Can everything just stop? THOUGHTS

So many thoughts, so many what can I do to make them stop? I can't leave he won't let me I am his and only his. His property, his to command, his to claim. Yet nothing comes from the man in the mask he follows, he does what I say nothing more like talking to a dog.... No even a dog responses back, wags his tail, barks, asks to play. This man is a robot, maybe he shows emotions but that damned mask blocks it.

Can't do anything bad or he will get mad, so not a robot then? What is he then if not a robot? Asking him wouldn't get me far he will most likely get offended by such a question 'What are you?' 'What is you're purpose in my life?' Such questions I want answers to but will he give me them or will he run away into the wall to his room to one day show up again and act like everything is normal? We are playing house but not the normal one, were like a couple but without doing the normal things. Yes I cook and we eat together, I read to him and he listens, we play music together but when something isn't to his liking he wil act as a child making me the mother and him the child with a tantrum that I'm supposed to fix.

I never had a normal childhood neither did he, we are opposites but have so much in common then we think we haven't found it yet. He is making it harder by the day, I am getting more annoyed by the day. Malcom is the only thing making me not lose it all, his one time visit a week brings such joy to me. Brahms notices and will act like I committed a crime, he won't show himself until he is done doing whatever in the walls. Walls I tried to enter but he blocked all the entrances.

I get interrupted when Brahms sits next to me, he is so close but yet so far away. I look at him to see he is already looking at me, we hold this position for a couple of minutes before he places his hand on my cheek to wipe away the tear that dared to spill. I lean into his touch, his warmth calms me. Once he pulls me into his embrace am I able to spill all of the tears I was holding on to for so long, and he just holds me while I cry my heart out on his shoulder.

I calm down when no tear seems to come out, but I stay in his embrace holding on to him like he is about to vanish into thin air, like he will leave me. But he won't he will always be here. I'm starting to get tired, he knows. He picks me up in his arms and makes his way to my bedroom, placing me into bed "Will you stay?" Words I never thought I would tell a soul "Of course." Is all he says before climbing into bed next to me but he doesn't dare touch me waiting for me to make the first move and I do, I turn around and burry my face in his chest and put my arms around him getting comfortabl. He tenses for a second before also putting his arms around me and placing his on top of my head whilst I slowly drift off safely in his arms.

I hope this feeling never ends, it feels to good to let go.