"Martha not now, please. I've had enough." I tried to be as respectful as possible. "I agreed to whatever it was you insisted was right. Can you just leave me alone for now?"

I kept on scrubbing the bathroom walls. It was disgusting, and I dreaded the smell of it. But Martha was just irritating me more.

"I'm sorry." She finally said. "Betty, talk to me."

I dropped the brush and turned around to face her by the door. "I'm just burned out. Don't apologize, I'm not angry at you."

"I'm only looking out for you and the baby."

"Please don't talk about the baby. He's with his father now and that's all I wanted. I just wish we didn't have to lie about something as serious as my death."

It was inevitable. We had no choice and it makes me angry that I'm forced to amount to such measures to protect my baby. He'll grow up thinking his mother died while giving birth to him. And Enos, he has to do this all alone and it's just not fair. When I heard the baby couldn't stop crying and was destressed because he was separated from me, I was heartbroken. Atleast he has peace with Enos.

"We must do whatever it takes to keep the people we love safe." Martha reminded. "It's for the best. They're better off knowing you died than being aware that you are here suffering in this place and there's nothing they can do about it."

I picked up my brush and kept scrubbing. I held back my tears and asked Martha to let me go on with work.

"I'll sneak you some food later. Don't fall asleep on me , okay." She smiled pitifully. Martha knew that I barely ever slept. Perhaps she was trying to be funny but the joke was misplaced.

"Sure."

Its been two days since I last ate anything. It's getting harder and harder for Martha to get me food. My cell is always guarded, it's only twice a week when I get a different guard to watch and Martha knows her. Her name is Dylan and when she's not on watch, I starve.

My life in prison hasn't gotten easier. But I bare it better than before. When I was pregnant with Hayes, the nights were less miserable and less lonely, that boy gave me happiness in the face of danger. I actually ate more because then Martha would have to do all she could to sneak food everyday for the sake of the baby. Since she's a doctor here, she falsely diagnosed me with an infectious illness and I was locked in for months. That's how I hid the pregnancy. It's different now.

I compel myself to rarely think of the world outside this place. It's how I stop myself from going insane. It's not easy, it's hard to try and forget but it helps with the pain. The less I think, the less it burns.

James.

I often wonder how he is doing. Mister Scott promised that if James ever woke up, only then would I be set free. It's been almost a year, and if I'm still here then James is either still in a coma or he died.

I blame myself everyday.

May be I should've agreed to leave with him. None of this would have happened. I didn't want to betray Enos. He didn't deserve that kind of treatment after everything he had done for me. Enos was my saving grace. Leaving with James would've been a heartless thing to do.

I never wanted to break Enos' heart.

He didn't deserve it.

But I loved James. And As much as I rejected the feeling, as much as I compelled myself to fall in love with Enos..... James had never left my heart. It was a different Kind of love and no matter where I went, that love followed me. He was the first man I'd ever loved, I gave him all of me and that won't ever be erased.

What hurts the most is the memory that he came after me. He was sorry for everything he had put me through. James wanted a future with me and he wasn't giving up on me. All he wanted was one more chance to turn everything around.

My head couldn't help but reject him.... Even when everything inside of me, even when my heart wanted nothing more but to be with him.

I sleep at night and I can feel..... I swear I can feel his touch. I can feel his lips and I can feel him hold me. And when I wake up, it's like I'm living a nightmare because everything I've ever had is now in my dreams.

May be I had it all.

And now, I have nothing.

When I think of my son, my heart breaks over and over again. And I can't remember my son without seeing Enos. This is how I know that Enos has always been a blessing to me despite the mistake he made. Because he gave me my son.And nothing will replace the bond we share. And it's not just Hayes that links us together. We did love each other. I've never been loved with anybody as much as Enos has loved me. I guess that's why I wanted to stay and choose him. Because deep down I feared that James wouldn't be able to love me as much as Enos has. Enos never doubted his emotions. He never once rejected me. He held me closer to him and didn't even once let me go. Even in the darkest times of our relationship, he was always watching. He slept with one eye open looking out for me.

When I was hurting, he was hurting.

But my heart is my biggest traitor.

Because the second I set my eyes on James again, he was the only thing I wanted. To have him ever close to me. To feel his body, to feel his presence, to have his heart. And now that I know he loved me too, I can't stop thinking about him and what we could have been.

Are we destined to fall apart?

Is this why it never works out? Or are we being tested? Like how Martha never stops preaching.

I can't make sense of anything anymore. Because if it was meant to be James and I, then why did I just bare another man a son? How did I even bare Enos a son? Everything is happening so fast it's tramatizing. So many things have happened in a year and I'm so confused. How did I get so lost like this?

It was just the end of last summer when I started college, met James, fell deeply in love with him, things went so wrong and I left New York. Arrived in Florida, Met Enos, started a relationship, and then suddenly I'm in Tennessee today and then Georgia the next. And then I'm in prison, giving birth to Enos' son as James fights for his life in a hospital.

If this is what life had been intending for me then I'm signing off...... It's just too much for a girl to understand.

_________________

Eventually time moved on as it was suppose to. And they say time is suppose to heal you but I hadn't done much healing. My wounds were still as fresh as yesterday. I stopped counting days and I stopped counting months.

I lost all my hope, confined with in my cages and trapped in my anguish, I was gone with my spirit. With every moment I remained locked up in that prison, I was reminded of the how much of a failer I was.

I had feelings of shame, regret, longing. Some of those feelings I could not put a name to them. I could not explain them to even myself.

A dark hole had grown inside me. I didn't see the light in my life. It simply wasn't there. I was never going to be same after that. I was losing my mind at a certain point. Because all the voices in my head were gone and my own voice was the only thought left. It was scary being the only voice in my head. It felt more lonely.

Other days I'd be numb. I felt nothing.

And there were days I felt everything allover again.

It was exhausting.

But months, turned into a year, and then two years had passed. That was when I convinced myself that James had died.

It was a hard truth to swallow. I couldn't lie to myself anymore. May be he died way before that. May be I was just hoping on nothing. The pain of losing someone is unbearable. It was rekindling old wounds. Because I was still hoping that one day he'd wake up and may be I'll get out of this hell hole. But two years is a long time for a person who isn't free. It felt like an eternity and I truly believed James was dead.

My heart was being ripped apart.

I'd never longed for someone's touch so much. My skin was burning. I wanted him so bad that it was killing me. I missed him on my lips, I missed his smile, his arrogance, his scent, his face, his voice. I even hear it sometimes, calling in the distance. I missed everything about him.

It was aching.

It was torture.

I wanted to be with him, even if it was just for one more time. I wanted to take it all back. I started wishing I never left New York. I wanted to go back and let him take me away from everything just like he wanted. I wanted to say yes. I didn't care that I'd look the fool. I just wanted him and nothing more.

There times I'd relieve the moments he claimed me. How I fell weak before him.

I'd replay all the moments in my head. Over and over again.....

James was ..... And he still is the love of my life. That won't ever change and it can't be replaced. And with every flesh and bone in my body.. I would give myself to him in a heartbeat if we had just one more chance to be together.

And I'd love him.

I would love him like no woman has ever loved a man. And if I'm lucky, in another life I'd be his woman and he'll be my man.

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