“Buh-bye, Betty~!”

“Buh-bye, Holly~!”

Betty and Douggy make their goodbyes as they exit the Granite household after a long night of quality gossip.

“Tell Fabby I told you to say hi to her~!” Betty giggles.

“...yeah…me too… parting is such sweet sorrow…” Douggy sighs in sour remorse. He hoped to admire that beautiful, saucy creature (Club, obviously), but alass...no fat Fabby ass in sight under this somber moon tonight…

Holly smiles as she shuts the door. “Toodles~! Mind the rain. It’s supposed to be a doozy tonight!” The door clicks, and she puts her hands on her hips. “Where is that girl anyway? Well…with that creep DoUgGy asking a million too many questions about her, maybe it’s for the best.” Holly smiles cheekily. ‘Or maybe…she’s busy romancing with my future son-in-law~? Ahhhhhh, kids grow up so fast~❤️’

Holly steps into the dining room. “...but YOU…you’re not growing up fast enough. I hope you look forward to churning out literary excellence until your brain and hands melt!” She scowls at Stick.

Stick raises her finger. “BuT iF mY hAnDs MeLt~🤪 ThEn I cAn’T wRiTe AnYmOre~🤪”

“...if you leave behind the work of a tragic genius, that wouldn’t be so bad…” Holly huffs back.

The table is a mess of rocks, stacks of papers, tilting over books, and a spiteful cavegirl brat.

Punk and Pearl are plopped in a wah-wah to the left and a wah-wah to the right tug-o-war over Stick’s Legendary Staff of the Seven Storms.

Stick had renamed her trusty weapon after she learned some cool words from Witty. Maybe he’s not so bad after all~❤️ Wait! Of course, he is! BAD, UGLY, and STUPID! It’s a shock that Witty-Pitty-Shitty knows anything cool at all…❤️...

And, at the furthest end of the table, in the deepest stage of sleep, Angus zonked out into slumber land hours ago during a boooooooooooring lecture (and crackpot conspiracy theories) about the “majesty of sulfur pits,” courtesy of Douggy.

Stick closes her manual about the Super Action Trick Bo Staff Legendary Staff of the Seven Storms that Witty had provided her. She swaps it out to resume where she left off on page 50 of Mother’s bestowed last-minute mandatory extra credit assignment about stupid sulfur pits.

Stick resents how during dinner, Mother leaned in on Douggy’s sorrows of, “Oh, Holly. Oh, Betty. If only my students were enraptured with nature the same way I am…” to weasel in a way to boost her severely slipping grades.

Holly knows how to get what she wants, the way she lied to Douggy, “Patricia came to me in tears the other day. “Mother…the other kids say I’m brain damaged because I huff fumes from the sulfur pits! Tell me they’re wrong, Mother! Tell me! I want to believe with every inch of my heart the same sulfuric vision Mr. Chip shares with every inch of my heart! Please, Mother! I want to believe! I WANT TO BELIEVE!!!” And I told Patricia, “There’s no proven scientific link between sulfur fumes and brain damage, hush, sweet baby of mine. Don’t listen to those awful children! Believe in Mr. Chip! BELIEVE IN HIM!!! THE SAME WAY WE ALL DO!!! BELIEVE IN HIM!!!”

During this charade, Holly was strategic enough to keep a hand over Patty’s mouth to prevent her from protesting this absol-fucking-lutely fake fable.

Douggy-Doo-Doo-Dogshit ate up every word, “I had no idea Patricia believed in sulfur the same way I did and idolized me like this. I thought she hated me. Holly! I’ve clearly misunderstood this gifted, gifted child. If I provide her with an outlet, there is a path for a brighter future!”

“IDOHATEYOU!!!IDOHATEYOU!!!IWANTYOUTODIE!!!MPHPPHRRPFPFPFFPFFFF!!!” Stick would mumble incoherently through her clamped-shut mouth. She was crying too, which backfired at this moment as it only enhanced Holly’s lies.

And Mother lied, oh Mother lied as she cranked up her crocodile tears, “Patricia writes every night in her diary poetry about sulfur pits! She’s just too shy and until now doesn’t have any friends to bask in the sulfuric love with.”

Douggy-Doo-Doo-Dogshit asked if he could see some of it tomorrow. Being the 💩kind💩 man he is, he offered 1 extra point to her grade this semester for each individual page. Currently, Patty’s grade this semester is 50%...

And Mother turned to Stick at that horrifying moment and asked, “Of course, you’ll show your new friend Mr. Chip tomorrow, won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey? Won’t you, honey?”

The rest was history. Douggy-Doo-Doo-Dogshit just HAD to come over tonight and ruin everything, UGH! The majesty of sulfur pits. What the hell was he on about when he cooked that one up??? Stick thinks Douggy is undoubtedly the one huffing sulfur fumes daily before class. It would explain everything. Especially all those weird questions he had about Club’s feet…

Holly picks up Pearl. “It’s time for baby-bed-bed-bedtime~❤️” She nudges her nose with the giggling Pearl.

“HEY! What about the other turd?” Stick grits her teeth.

*BONK* She got whacked on the head with her own stick, courtesy of Punk. He blows a raspberry at her.

“I don’t think he’s ready for bed yet. So let him tucker himself out first~❤️” Holly grins and passes through the kitchen with Pearl.

But then, something catches Holly’s eye, and she gleens over a dripping-full bowl of dog water on the floor and an even fuller, heartier bowl of puppy chow. ‘Hmm..’

Holly hears a clicking sound from the kitchen window.

She looks over but sees nothing. It must be those damn iguanas again.

Holly shrugs and exits the kitchen.

At the house's front door, Holly opens it to glaze the darkness outside. Peering over the porch at Onid’s lil’ dog house…Onid’s empty dog house…

‘Et tu, Onid?’ Holly bounces Pearl up and pats her back. “Patty~? Patty~? Paaaaaaaaty~? Patty-cake~?................PATRICIA, GET YER ASS OUT HERE!”

Footsteps rustle with sassy friction.

“WHAT?” Stick hisses.

“WHERE IS ONID?” Holly points at the empty dog house.

“I don’t know, probably taking a fat dump on Ms. Rhinestone’s fat lawn.”

“If you reallllllly think that, then you can reallllllly find him!” Holly rolls her eyes. “Little Ms. Expert Tracker.”

*BOOOOOOM* Thunder claps and the rain falls.

“Get cracking before I crack that BUTT!” Holly pokes Stick with an umbrella.

“Ha. Don’t need that!” Stick reaches back inside for her Legendary Stick. She clicks it once on the ground, and an umbrella pops out from the top end. “Witty’s a genius~❤️ He can think of anything-er-I mean. I’m a genius.” Stick trots along and also has Club’s club with her.

“And what do you need that for?”

“In case I run into Club, duh.” Stick sticks her tongue out at Holly. “In case of any emergency, head bonking. She might require rescue from being tortured by nerd crap.”

Holly rolls her eyes and snaps a definitive “march on, young lady” pointing finger toward the streets.

Stick twitches her nose, growls, grumbles secret expletives, and stomps off as the puddles patter beneath her.

A thought crosses Holly’s mind. She smirks and raises an eyebrow mischievously. “Oh, and Patty?”

Stick stops in place.

“Before you bonk Witty’s head, don’t let his, what did you call it? Oh right! Don’t let his hunky hot man face distract you and make you dream about butterflies forever~❤️”

“Buh-Buh-FLY!” Pearl claps.

“AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! SHUT UP, MOM!!!!!!!!!” Patty’s face turns beet red, and she scuttles away out of sight faster than a road runner. The rain catches her shape as she passes through it. “I DON’T LOOOOOOOOOVE HIIIIIIIIIIM!!!!!!” Her voice echoes in the distance.

“Silly girls with their silly diaries that they leave out in the open for their mothers to find.” Holly chuckles.

“Buh-boo-boo-BYE!” Pearl flails her hands to say bye to her racing-away sister.

“And you’re my silliest girl, buh-boo-boo~❤️” Holly nestles her tight. She takes Pearl back inside and shuts the door.

Pearl yawns.

Holly makes a kissy face at her. “Time for my angel to have that buh-boo-boo-beddy time~❤️” Holly carries her and steps with one foot on the stairs but stops when she hears the fridge rustle loudly in the kitchen. “Hmph! Someone named Angus better not be in there shoveling down all our ice cream with his son! He knows we have breakfast to look forward to tomorrow, and ice cream hasn’t been cheap lately...”

No response. The rustling in the fridge continues.

“Ugh. And hands off that cake! HMPH!” Holly rolls her eyes as she continues upward. ‘...men…Fabby can’t go hunting for ice cream, but her father can be the first to try…’

Upstairs, Holly puts her hand on the handle of Pearl’s room but decides to wait. “Hmm..let’s check your sister’s room…”

Pearl goes, “Oooooooh.”

Holly walks over to the door to Stick’s Totally Awesome Bedroom as the taped sign reads. “If it’s STILL a mess in there, her butt is grounded when she comes home.” Holly swings open the door. “HA! I THOUGHT-”

Stick’s bedroom is sparkling clean from top to bottom. A far, faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar cry from Holly’s typical perpetually disappointed expectations.

“-so…” Holly sighs and sits on the bed. “She cleaned it up without me asking first…”

Everything’s clean.

The Witty picture (that Patty swiped from Fabby) on the wall, which usually has darts decorating it, apparently had all the darts swapped out for dozens of inconspicuous hearts. The ink is very fresh.

Obviously, the Douggy picture is still devoured by darts and drawings of piles of poo, but at least there aren’t any darts on the floor this time.

Holly inspects under the bed. No loose darts there either, no stowed away food, nothing.

Holly can’t believe it. She sighs again, feeling a lil’ bad. Sometimes a parent has to be a parent and be hard on their kids, but it shouldn’t always be that way…

After all, Granny used to say that Holly was a handful, too, around the same age and for much longer…

…rain taps the bedroom window…reminding Holly she sent out her own daughter all alone in the pouring rain late at night…now she feels terrible…

“Boo boo?” Pearl sucks her thumb and looks at Holly inquisitively.

Holly perks up, smiles and leaves, and reenters with something in hand. “I don’t think she’ll mind having one present early~❤️” Holly places a wrapped box with a neat bow on the center of the bed.

Tomorrow is Patty’s birthday, and a definitely delicious expensive ice cream cake is chilling in the freezer, waiting for her. Assuming it’s still in there, and assuming Angus is being a good father and resisting the urge to put his greasy paws all over it.

Pearl yawns again.

“We’ll get you to bed, then mamas gotta help your sister find our puppy.” Holly closes the door to Stick’s room.

Now, inside Pearl’s overly sappy decorated room, walls, and cradle, Pearl is laid down gently with a big giggling smile as Holly smooches her left cheek.

“Nighty night~❤️” Holly smooches Pearl’s right cheek.

Pearl lets out another yawn and is tucked in tight with her blanket. She shuts her eyes.

Holly quietly walks out and shuts the door gently but leaves it open just enough to let warm light in. “Ahhhh, it seems like just yesterday I would tuck my teeny tiny baby Patty-cake in her crib just like this…” She rests against the wall, thinking of sweeter days…a single tear rolls down her cheek-

*CRAAAAASH*

*BAAAAAASH*

*SMAAAAASH* sounds of broken and currently breaking dishes are loud enough to run sharply up the stairs and deep into Holly’s ears.

Holly cringes. “AAAAAUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!!! I! JUST! PUT! PEARL TO BED-” She hastily silences herself and checks to ensure Pearl is still fast asleep.

Indeed, Pearl still sleeps and snores with cuteness. Holly is relieved and closes the door save for that bit of warm light once more.

Holly grunts as she heads downstairs. “...it’ll be a cold day in hell before there’s ever peace on earth. Can’t even get peace in this damn house…” Holly puts her hand over her face and shakes her head as she prepares to see what the fuss is all about this time…

-CHAPTER END-

-SET IN STONE-