Grace V

Andrew slams his hands on top of the cafeteria table. “Fucking hell, you look like you need a little bit of Andrew fucking Mera in your life, Gracie-cakes.”

I put down my phone face down, never sending the text to Cody. “What do you want?”

Andrew sits in front of me. “Thought a lot about last week. I got a rave tonight? You down? It ain’t nothing as you experience, promise.”

“No.”

“Don’t you find getting drunk or high boring? Fuck man, that shit’s for losers.”

“Anything you do is for losers.”

Andrew slams his face on the table and sighs. “Everyone’s so fucking boring. You’re boring. Aren’t you bored?”

Yes.

Sara sits downs next to me. It’s one of the rare few times where she does. Actually, I think she only does it whenever Andrew’s not around. The only ones missing now are Chris, Emily, and Cody. It would be just like the old days.

“Stop bothering her, Andrew.”

“Yes, dearest,” Andrew sits upright. “Where’s Cody? Y’know what, don’t answer that. I don’t feel like getting punched today.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t antagonize him,” Chris says, joining us. It’s been a while since I’ve seen him. He stopped hanging out with us less and less as the weeks go by. “Or maybe you shouldn’t have tried to sleep with Emily.”

“Last day of school and the enigma shows up,” Andrew grins. “What’s up man,” the two share a handshake. “How’s the chem life going?”

“You don’t know?”

“Nah man, they don’t tell me shit,” he laughs. “I’m doing a few runs tonight with Sessions, maybe I’ll ask ‘em.”

Sara shifts around her bag and pulls out an empty small bag dirtied with white spots everywhere. “Andrew, I found this when I was cleaning out my locker.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be clean?”

“I am.”

“So why not throw it away.”

“I tried. Every time I tried, I couldn’t. It's better if you do something with it. And please don’t talk about those things when I’m around.”

Andrew takes the bag and puts it in his jacket pocket, “Yeah, So-Sure.”

“You’ve been well, Sara?” Chris asks.

“Yeah, I have. Grace’s mom keeps me in check. What about you, I feel like I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I haven’t been around,” he chuckles. “I’m just glad the white iris blooms the darkness towards light.”

Andrew laughs, but Sara looks at him like she just saw a ghost.

As for me?

I just want this last day of school to end.

-

Sara is home before I am and oddly enough, so is Mom. I must have missed her telling me that today was her day off.

“You excited for summer?” Mom asks Sara. They’re talking in the kitchen where I can’t see them. Mom doesn’t even say hi to me. “Senior Year is a big deal.”

“Yeah, no. I can’t wait to spend it all locked away in my room.”

Mom doesn’t say anything for a second. “Not if I have to say anything about it. We can watch movies together, I’m an avid film watcher. It’s not good for you to be locked anyways.”

“Says who?”

“Birds born in a cage, think flying is an illness. Do you know who said that?”

“No.”

“A man called Alejando Jodorowsky. A filmmaker psychotherapist. Brilliant man.”

“So?”

“I’m sending you to therapy as soon as I save up a bit. It’ll probably be in the middle of Summer but soon. Now that Grace’s sessions are over, I think it’s time.”

There’s silence, then, “Okay.”

I give it a few more seconds before I announce that I’m home. Mom peeks her head out and tells me that she’s making chicken parmesan. Sara at that time comes out and heads upstairs to her room. There’s not a word from her, she doesn’t even look at me.

Mom doesn’t even ask me about my day like she always does. She doesn’t even try to talk to me when I take over the living room to watch anime. She always tells me to turn it off and watch it in my room, but that hasn’t been happening.

It’s like she’s paying more attention to Sara than me.

Everything has been pissing me off lately.

School sucks.

Mom sucks.

Cody sucks.

I hate it all.

-

As proof that Mom stopped paying attention to me, she doesn’t even notice when I leave the house at night.

Andrew’s shit-eating grin doesn’t fade until I enter his car. I take the time to dry myself off from the five seconds I was outside. I wish I had an umbrella to bring, it’s coming down hard tonight.

“My, my, my. I never thought you had the balls,” Andrew laughs.

“You have no idea what I’m capable of.”

“You’re right, a rave? You’re crazy.”

“I’m blowing off steam.”

“No better place to do it,” he chuckles as he starts the engine.

Andrew tells me a story of when he and Sara were little. This was before when their Mom died. Their parents took them to Los Angeles, to the beach, and to Universal Studios. He tells me of a time when Sara was a 24/7 walking smile. Andrew was never good at building things, his hands were made for destruction. He was always envious of Sara’s ability to make sandcastles. Andrew would bully her by destroying them but Sara neverminded. She would always make more.

“You’re weird.”

In truth, I never heard Andrew talk about something without cursing longer than three sentences yet he’s sharing what I’m assuming is an intimidating story.

“Nah,” he scoffs, “just passing time.”

Somewhere just outside of Seattle, in the middle of nowhere, Andrew parks us over a hill near some train tracks. The rain is mild at this point so we’re not getting as drenched as I thought we would be. I follow him down the hill, past a few tracks, and then behind a building.

“Where are we going?” I finally break the silence and ask.

“To the secret underground, Gracie-kin.”

“I feel like you’re going to get me killed.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” he laughs. “It’ll be fun, promise,” Andrew motions me to keep up. He pulls something out of his pocket and dips his finger in it then puts it in his mouth.

“What’s that?”

“Molly.”

“Drugs?”

Andrew snorts and passes me the bag. It’s small with crystal powder inside. “It’s what’s in ecstasy. It’s called MDMA. It’s the purest you can get in the state. What? You want some?”

“How does it feel?”

“Lick your finger and take a dip.”

I do as he says. My pinky finger is covered with what looks like white little rocks and I put it in my mouth. “This taste like shit!” Like it’s straight salt but covered in dirt.

Andrew laughs and gives me a water bottle to drink out of. “Now you’ll really have fun.”

After a minute we arrive at our destination. We’re not the only people coming. We join others as they make their way to the sound of the bass. It’s under a tunnel near the train tracks. There’s a crowd of people talking just right outside. Inside it’s even more chaotic, there are over 100 people here. Everyone is also dressed in bright colors. The energy is also so different from any party I’ve been to. I can’t put it into words, it's as if everyone here wants to have a fun night instead of getting fucked up. I’ve always got the impression that parties are filled with sexual energy; not here though.

Andrew takes me to the middle of the crowd. I don’t know the genre of music but everyone has their hands in the air or moving side to side. I’m not really feeling the music so I just stand there like the awkward person that I am. Andrew doesn’t do anything either, he's on his phone texting someone. “Be right back,” he says.

And just like that he leaves me.

I look at the people around me. They’re not paying attention to me, they don’t even know I’m here. They all have smiling faces with eyes glaring at the stage. Up there is just a single guy dj’ing and a bunch of lasers moving all over the place. The lasers are what keep my attention.

Andrew comes back shortly after with a smile on his face. He moves along with the music just like everyone else and eventually, it starts getting to me. The music starts to become catchy and I catch myself weaving back and forth. Andrew says something to me but I don’t understand what he said.

Then it hits me. A wave of euphoria and sensations travel up and down my body. The lights get brighter, the sound becomes clearer and my breathing feels like I’m taking in air for the first time in my life. I can feel every fiber of my clothes and it’s like a warm blanket. I am no longer alone here, I’m part of the love everyone here is experiencing.

All of the anxiety and nervousness I had before coming is suddenly gone. I want to talk to people, dance with them, and hug them. I feel like a kid experiencing an amusement park for the first time.

Is this how it feels to not be held back by the constant fear of caring?

A man taps on Andrew’s shoulders and says something to him in his ear. Andrew nods and pulls something out of his pocket and the man gives him money as they exchange items. This is a drug deal. That’s so cool. Andrew looks over to me and I grin at him, giving him thumbs up.

The music takes full control over me and soon I’m not in control of my body. Nothing else matters, not even when Andrew disappears on me again. This time he doesn’t come anytime soon. As I said, that doesn’t matter. A girl in nothing but a colorful skirt and bra says something to me but the music is too loud for me to listen.

She then comes close to my ear and says, “You’re really cute, I love your energy!”

“Thanks! I love your outfit!”

The girl’s grinning and then holds out a peace sign. I give her the sign back but when I try to pull my arm down, the girl laughs and pulls it back up. Our fingertips touch, then she makes her hand into a heart shape and turns mine to match hers. She flattens her hand and I follow then she grabs my hand to hold it. With her free hand, she takes one of the bead bracelets she’s wearing and transfers it to my hand. “This is called PLUR. Enjoy the night,” and just like that, she leaves.

More time passes and I’m getting exhausted and thirsty. A couple notices and hands me a water bottle to drink from. I thank them and they motion for me to keep it. Everyone here is so nice. Everyone is looking out for each other.

A girl wearing all black and white hair gets in front of me. She looking for someone. The girl looks over at me with a confused face. She’s the only sober person in here and I’m not sure if I'm imagining things. Her eyes are glowing. She moves past me, touching my shoulder to gently move me out of the away. The girl then stops herself and takes one last look.

Weird.

It’s soon two after midnight and the 200 people inside are nowhere near quitting. But I’m tired and want to go home. The only problem is that I’ve lost Andrew. Moving through the crowds is a pain and feels like the inside of a furnace. I think I have been looking for half an hour.

Seriously, where is he?

He isn’t in the central crowd so I give up and go to the areas where there are only around five people around. The more I look for him the harder and more tired I get. It feels like I searched every inch of this stupid tunnel. Andrew then finally replies to my dozen of texts. The world is too intense right now for me to focus on anything else.

I find Andrew outside behind one of the abandoned train cars holding a girl against the wall. He’s fucking her and there’s nothing I can do but watch. It’s raining hard. I’m soaked and I wonder how Andrew and this girl can stand it. Something in me though feels warm inside and raging like a tiger.

The hard bass reverberates through my body. The rain feels like silk thread crawling down, holding me, embracing me in its warmth. The intense fire in my heart burns and my lower body starts to twitch with more desire of wanting whatever it is.

“Hmm,” he stops, taking notice.

I feel helpless with my hands holding each other near my chest.

Andrew zips himself up and grabs hold of the girl’s hand. “Let’s go,” he says with a low voice. “How much did you see?” He says when we get in the car.

“Enough,” I answer.

“Did you like it?” He asks.

The girl he’s with laughs, “Andrew, who is she? Why’d we stop, I was having a good time.” She said in an annoying voice. This girl’s clearly drunk.

“Did you like it?” he asks again.

I didn’t know. I felt so good all over. Being covered in rain felt like being in a ball pen as a five-year-old. I felt lightheaded and my skin sent shivers up my spine just for being there.”Yeah…” I answer.

His hand grabs mine and he looks at me with his eyes like no one has ever done. His eyes were pure desire. He puts his hand on my thigh and a shiver of white snow climbs up and down my spine and through my entire body. “Your lipstick is lazy, and your eyes are all hazy,” he says softly. He kisses me.

A proper kiss, one where I feel him grab my bottom lip with his and it sucks me in.

I want more.

“Andrewww,” the girl in the back seat whines.

Andrew doesn't hesitate to take off my wet shirt. He doesn’t do anything but stare like he’s pretending to be delicate. If I know Andrew, he’s nothing but that. His hands unbuckle my jeans and lowered. The car door opens and I’m pushed into the heavy rain. Half my body was now getting soaked again as my head rests on the pavement.

What is happening? I don’t care. I’m old enough. I’m old enough right?

The other girl gets out and takes her shirt off. She gets on top of me and kisses me blocking my head from getting rained on. It’s weird. I don’t like it. Soft hands pulled down my panties. Oh god, I want it.

Andrew is big, masculine, and knows what he’s doing. Andrew has complete control of the situation and pushes the girl aside. He could’ve done it. He could’ve done it. He could’ve done it right there, in a dirty parking lot next to his car and under the pressure of hard rain with me completely naked, and get on with his life and never look back on it and I’ll be gone and I’ll be betraying everything my mom tried to keep me away from.

But he didn’t.

For some fucked up reason he doesn’t. He just sits on top of me with his mouth open.

Why doesn’t he?