The manifested screens all came into being at the same time and at the same place, overlapping each other and shifting in and out of existence rapidly in a display that would have put someone into a light-induced seizure if the arrival of the Apocalypse hadn’t done away with such things. After around a half second of this, the various screens began to shift their positions wildly, though all on roughly the same axis, rotating and spinning and flipping over and over as they fought to be the one, singular screen to come out on top.

As Lyrhea watched this unfold, she found herself almost hypnotized by the rapidly changing semi-transparent force in front of her, watching wide-eyed and with a great degree of interest as the screens danced and twisted until finally something gave and they all suddenly ceased to be. A few moments after that, though a simple blue screen popped up in front of her with only a single message to deliver, and she kind of felt bad for the whole system at the sheer embarrassment it must have been feeling while delivering such a message.

ERROR

SYSTEM MENU/ TUTORIAL REBOOT IN PROGRESS

REWARDS HAVE ALREADY BEEN CALCULATED AND WILL BE GIVEN AFTER REBOOT

DO NOT DIE

PLEASE WAIT FOR REBOOT TO COMPLETE

Of course, she didn’t feel more sympathy for the dumb system than she felt annoyance and worry. After all, exactly how many universes did this system assimilate into itself over how long a period of time? Also, if this was a known issue, then why in the nine hells hadn’t it been patched yet?

Not that she was going to be given much reason to complain about the whole situation when the next screen popped up after the previous one went down. Once that little blue screen made itself known, all of her worries washed away, and she found herself very, very grateful for the Lag Spike.

Tutorial : Complete!

Congratulations are in order! You did not merely complete the Tutorial, but you exceeded several objectives set by it and also pushed on despite the boneheaded corruption of the previous version of the System! Due to these and many other factors, as well as your own hard work, effort, and stubborn refusal to simply give up and die, you have finally finished the Tutorial. Please, take your rewards and enjoy your Post-Apocalypse! See you in the next major missions!

Reward(s) :

Divine Manifestation x2

Exp

Evolution Percentage

Starter Resource Pack x4

Beacon of Civilization: Lyrhean

“Huh.” Lyrhea remarked before saying another word. “Neat.”

[“Damn fucking straight it’s ‘neat’, you ungrateful little whelp.”] the ever bipolar Snake God spat. [“Seriously. Why can’t younger beings ever be grateful for what they have and get?”]

She knew this would likely bite her in the ass, but she had to say it regardless because it fit so well, and so Lyrhea opened her mouth, rolled her eyes, and let out the one phrase that has sent more middle-aged white women with bad haircuts and mom vans into a state of violent fury than almost any other. She uttered the second most dangerous phrase a customer service employee can ever utter.

“Okay, Boomer.”

And she braced for the fury of a petulant, childishly spiteful, and emotionally erratic deity.

For a while, a few, terrifyingly long seconds, there was nothing but the ambient noise around Lyrhea.

And then came the reply.

[“Okay, that was good. You got me there. Just please be a bit more thankful for this. It doesn’t happen nearly enough to even reach a thousandth of a tenth of a percent of the number of times a Lag Spike has happened for that to be…”]

“Uhh…” asked the confused and slightly concerned first Lyrhean. “You good?”

Again, there was a pause. “Oh, fuck.” grumbled Lyrhea as she held her head in one hand. “Another fucking Lag Spike?”

[“No, no.”] came the reply. [“I just realized that my words were becoming a bit.. well,... Spaghetti’d.”]

It took the first of the Lyrheans a bit to realize what was meant by that and connect it to the previous discussion. “Oh, you mean how you talked about how the odds of that Lag Spike helping me were only non-zero at most?”

[“Yeah. That.”]

“Glad to know that a puny mortal can, at times, out-talk a God.” Lyrhea felt a bit proud of that success.

[“Oh, shut it, worm.”] Oh, great. The Snake God was back to being a wrathful bitch. [“We both know that dialogue has never and will never be my strong suit. Claim that you have been, are, or ever will be superior to me in any way and we’ll see how you like having your face repeatedly slammed into whatever is beneath your feet at random and often inopportune times.”]

“So,” remarked our Main Character, pushing the buttons that last bit more. “then it won’t be random, because you essentially said that you’d face-plant me at times that were not ideal for m-”

As the world around her shifted position and gravity went wonky, Lyrhea realized that it may have been best not to poke the Snake anymore just before her face met the stone under her feet. As she faded into unconsciousness, she could swear that she heard a very panicked Snake God swearing over and over again.

Typical Primordial Serpent. Always switching from extreme to extreme. Well, it wasn’t like she was going to die. Right?

Right?

…

[“GET YOUR ASS OVER THERE AND KEEP HER FROM DYING!”] screamed the Divine master and Patron of her Mother. And, of course, she obeyed. When she arrived on the scene, however, she was horrified to discover that her Mother was nearly dead, the massive damage done to her face having sent bone fragments into places that they were never supposed to go.

“Oh, oh shit!” Luxnilae shrieked as she began to use every last bit of her power that she could muster to undo the potentially lethal injury. “Great One, who did this?!”

[“Uhh….. The Ranger?”]

Of course it was that nightmarish bitch! Well, if that monster of a human thought that this would be the end of first Lyrhean, of the Mother of All Lyrheans, then she would one day come to regret ever deciding not to finish the job!

…

[“Fucking Me damn it that was too fucking close… Maybe I need to stop being so…. Nah, it won’t happen again. I wouldn’t use that kind of force again for such a small thing. I mean, unless she pisses me off a bit more than usual. Maybe… Fuck, I need to make her a bit tougher...”]