Karl Whyfront smiled as he walked through the village of Tepid Creek, home of the famous Tepid Creek mildly warm springs, one of his favorite places in all of the strange world into which he was reincarnated.

Supposedly, he was supposed to be fighting this Demon Lord or something. That cute chick who gave him his magic loincloth said so. She said some other stuff, too, but he was too busy checking her out to really pay much attention.

Since his magic loincloth exactly resembled a pair of ratty briefs, he supposed he annoyed her.

This was a source of far too much amusement from the other champions, a source of far too much embarrassment for him, and the source of far too many fights during the first few months of his time here…

…before he learned the truth of this place, that he and his “fellow champions” were the real monsters.

Fortunately for his sanity and immortal soul, he learned that ugly little truth on one of his first “adventures”, something that still haunted him after all of these years.

He winced at the recollection, just as he winced at it the other five times it came up today, and it wasn’t even noon.

His wince turned into a happy smile as a young girl rushed up, holding a basket.

“White wanderer!” she called, a reference to the white “loincloth” that was his only garment, “Ma just baked some muffins!”

“Oh, did she now?” he replied.

“Here!” she exclaimed as she pulled out two huge peasant meal and treeberry muffins. “These are the best ones!”

“Why thank you,” he said with a deep and pleasant voice. “But there is no way I can eat two! Do you know of anyone who could help me eat this feast?”

The girl giggled as he handed her one.

“(munch) These are delicious!” he said. “Thank you for sharing these with me.”

“Thank you for saving our farm!”

“It was purely selfish,” Karl chuckled, “I don’t know how to make muffins, only how to beat up bandits.”

“And champions,” the girl whispered.

“Hush,” he snickered.

“You going to the springs?” she asked, “They are nice and sort of warm!”

“The perfect temperature for washing my royal garb.”

The girl’s face lit up, and she turned to a nearby bush.

“He said that he’s going to be naked!!!” she yelled to the very embarrassed bush, or more precisely, the young woman hiding behind it.

“Does someone want me naked?” he laughed. “As soon as you hurry along your way, I’ll give them a show right here!”

The bush shuddered and let out a decidedly non-herbaceous squeak.

“Well?” he asked as he looked at the young girl pointedly.

“What?”

“I can’t very well strip down with you here,” he said, “Scoot.”

“Aww,” the young girl said.

“What do you mean, ‘Aww’? How old are you?”

“I seen my pa nekkid plenty of times… and my brothers…”

“And I ain’t any of them. Thanks for the muffins, Kara, but there is a certain shrub that wants a show.”

A young woman, covering her face, jumped up and fled.

“Aww,” Karl said with a grin.

“What do you mean, ‘Aww’?” the girl asked. “Are you lookin’ for a wife? ‘Cause that’s what you would have gotten.”

“Not just for that, certainly!”

“No, but what would have happened after!”

“How old are you again?”

“Old enough to know how big sheep make little lambs.”

“Get on with you,” Karl laughed, “And thank your mother for the muffin… and your sister for the amusement.”

With a giggly laugh, the young girl scampered off, singing something about a twig and some berries.

***

After a nice soak in a lovely spring that was neither too hot nor too cold and after giving his only garment a much-needed wash, Karl walked into the woods.

After a few hours, he rounded a small hill and started to follow a barely visible trail that led deep into the forest.

As the afternoon gave way to evening, he entered a small clearing containing the burnt remnants of a tiny village. Years ago, it was a happy little community.

Now, only the charred ruins of the little huts that once stood here remained. Soon, even that would be gone, reclaimed by the woods that sustained the people who once lived here.

His face darkened.

They were people that lived here, innocent people who never harmed anyone, people who just wanted to live their lives in peace.

Just beyond the ruins, there was a row of small, strange monuments made of wood and bone.

He walked along them, tidying them as best he could.

He took special care of one of them.

“Hello, Shortstack,” he smiled. “It’s been a while.”

He reached into the fly of his briefs, which just happened to be a very well-concealed bag of holding, yet another prank pulled on him by Trixx and pulled out a small bundle.

He opened it, revealing several champion tags, including one black adamantium one. He then started to dig at the base of the grave marker.

Soon, something gleamed through the dirt. A second later, there were many somethings, champion tags, a lot of them.

He placed the new ones among the others and replaced the soil, tamping it down firmly with the haft of his battle axe.

A small shadow separated from the ever-lengthening ones overtaking the small cemetery.

“She wouldn’t want this,” an old goblin said sadly.

“True,” Karl said, “But I’m not doing this for her.”

“Then who, Karl?” the old goblin asked, “Who are you doing this for?”

“They have to be stopped, Hurga.”

“But you can’t stop them, Karl. You can only join her. Is that what you want?”

“She deserves better than where I’m going.”

The old goblin just sighed.

“You champions are given such power, and all you do is kill and destroy. It has been years. When will your lust for blood be stated?”

“I’ll let you know when I find out.”

“(sigh) Come on. I have a warm fire and some sweetroot roasting in the coals. I had a fish, but I ate it already.”

Karl smiled and reached into his drawers, withdrawing a jar of canned chicken.

“Sweetroot and chicken?” he smiled.

***

“You make sweetroot better than anyone, Hurga,” Karl said as he lounged by a small campfire.

He reached into his crotch and pulled out two bottles, handing one to the old goblin.

“Thank you, boy,” Hurga said as she opened the swing-top bottle.

They drank in silence for a few moments.

“She truly loved you, you know,” Hurga said.

“And I loved her.”

“If you love her, then please, stop. She would want you to be free, not trapped waging a one-man war against the entire world.”

“It isn’t a one-man war anymore, Hurga,” Karl chuckled, “I got competition these days.”

“There are other Gan’Ker now?”

“Oh yeah,” Karl smiled, “good ones. Where I stalk and lurk, they just walk in the light of day, wiping out entire parties, entire towns full of champions.”

“Strange days,” Hurga said as she drank her beer. “There is also something foul brewing to the north.”

“Oh?”

“There are monsters, real ones, up there,” Hurga said gravely. “Monsters that can take champions head-on. Monsters that can turn the very shadows into demons that bring madness and death, striking down champion and man alike by the score.”

“When did this happen?”

“Not long ago,” Hurga said, “Only about a week or so, but it is said that they can weave spells with time itself, that a month in their stronghold is only a day outside it.”

Hurga’s creased and wrinkled face frowned.

“They are forming another monster army,” she said, “More innocent beings twisted by hate…”

She looked at Karl.

“They are turning people like me into people like you, Karl. No good can come of that.”

“Sometimes you have to protect what you love, Hurga.”

“Yes, but at what cost, Karl? Once you take up arms in anger, it changes you, and not for the better.”

“But to save… (sigh)… If I could have saved them, saved her… I would change into anything, even if she couldn’t bear to look at me after, even if she never spoke to me again…”

He looked into the flames.

“I would do it… I should have…”

“How long are you going to torture yourself?” Hurga asked. “Greta would want…”

“Greta doesn’t want anything!” Karl snapped, “And it’s my fault!”

He stood.

“I’m sorry, old friend,” he sighed. “But I fear I will be poor company this evening. I shall take my leave now.”

“Karl… Please stop. If not for her, do it for me.”

“I’m sorry, Hurga, I…”

Karl was interrupted by a terrible sound as if the world itself was being torn apart as the night sky burst into flames and countless… things started descending from the heavens.

“What’s happening?” Hurga asked fearfully.

Karl hefted his mighty axe.

“I’m not sure, but I am sure of one thing…”

He smiled at Hurga.

“It looks like I’m not stopping tonight. Run, Hurga. Find the others and run. Run and don’t stop.”

“What about you, Karl?”

“I failed the innocent once,” he said, “I’m not doing it again.”

He smiled again with a warmth and happiness he hadn’t felt since that day so very long ago.

“I will tell Greta hello for you.”

***

Agent Claudia Smythe and her new partner/apprentice Agent Martin (formerly Detective Martin), walked into a rather nicely appointed police station.

“Fancy,” Claudia smirked.

“Everything else around here is,” Agent Martin replied quietly. “Why should this be any different.”

“May I help you?” an annoyingly “perfect” looking policewoman asked as they approached.

“Agent Smythe,” Claudia said as she pulled out her badge and identification. This one claimed she was FBI. “We understand you have Karl Malcom in custody?”

“Yeah?” the policewoman replied dubiously. “He’s currently detained in the county jail until…”

“You put him in general population?!?”

“I think so…”

“Bad idea,” Claudia winced and turned to Agent Martin, “Let’s go!”

***

Shortly thereafter, Claudia and Agent Martin sat in an interrogation room.

“Well, the place is still standing, at least,” she said, “That’s a good sign.”

“This one that dangerous?”

“Yep. ‘Karl Whyfront’ is extremely dangerous and equally unstable. To be perfectly honest, I’m surprised he’s only in here for attempted murder. The old joke, ‘I didn’t attempt murder,’ actually applies to this gentleman.”

“Even ‘diminished’?”

“He didn’t use skills that much,” Claudia replied, “He claimed that they just…”

The door opened, and six correctional officers led in a young man in just his underwear with a comical number of chains and a face mask strapped to his head.

“Leave us,” Claudia said to the correctional officers.

“Ma’am,” one of them said, “I really think…”

“Leave us.”

“It’s your funeral,” the officer said, and they departed.

“Karl!” Claudia exclaimed, “How’s my favorite ganker doing?”

Karl’s eyes widened, but he said nothing.

“Vashuun gankarra gos Ba’lakduun?” Claudia asked with a wicked smile.

Karl gasped.

“Allow me to introduce myself,” Claudia said as she rose and nodded respectfully, “Agent Claudia Smythe, Temporal Protection Agency.

“Claudia… Smythe?” Karl asked nervously.

“Formerly Dame Smythe,” Claudia smiled, “You aren’t the only one who got sent back.”

“And… And you knew?”

“That you were a ganker and a very good one at that?” Claudia asked, “Yes. You honestly didn’t think that the Mithril mafia didn’t notice?”

“And… And you let me…”

“We didn’t disapprove of your choices… most of the time. We also knew exactly how powerful you really were. Besides, we were more concerned about the other gankers. They targeted those weaker than themselves and engaged in wholesale slaughter… and darker things besides. You… At least you had some class and took down big targets that usually had it coming… usually…”

She shrugged.

“And the ones that didn’t, well… They should have been capable of taking care of themselves. We thought of you as a monster no different than the ones with whom you allied. Monsters weren’t our concern. The stability of human civilization was. If anything, your… hobby… was an asset.”

She smiled wickedly.

“How do you think you got so many tips? Vespa Harksong? Davin Deep Pockets? Lyra Cutpurse?... Any of these names ring a bell? They all worked for us.”

Karl’s face darkened, and the leather binding his arms creaked ominously.

“You were very helpful, Karl,” Claudia smiled. “That’s why I’m here.”

She leaned forward.

“Would you like a job?”

“Doing what?”

“As I said, we aren’t the only ones who got sent back. We could use someone like you… and it would be a chance to finish what you started… Interested?”

Under the wire and plastic muzzle, Karl smiled.

***

“Could you at least put on some clothes?” Claudia asked the underwear-clad young man lounging in the back of her sedan as she handed him a bag of tacos and a soft drink.

“Nope.”

“Fucking barbarian,” Claudia snorted.

“You know it.”

“So,” Claudia asked as she pulled out into traffic, “We are trying to piece together exactly what happened ‘over there’.”

“It was a shit show when I got popped,” Karl shrugged. “I didn’t make it past Tepid Creek.”

“Tepid Creek?” Claudia asked, surprised. “That’s well away from the north. What happened?”

“Dude, I don’t know,” Karl replied, “The goddamn sky… split open… and demons, millions of them, started pouring out of the huge tear.”

“Tear?”

“Tear, breach, rift… I don’t know what to call it. All I know is that all Hell broke loose and came raining down over everything. They were killing everybody, man, woman, child…”

He paused while he took a bite out of a taco.

“…livestock… pets… Hell, I think some of them even went after trees!”

He sighed.

“I did what I could, but for every one I cut down, five took its place. It took them a while, but they finally managed to swarm me. They just kept throwing themselves at me until one of them got a claw on me.”

He took a sip of his soda.

“I didn’t last much longer after that. They pulled me down, and the next thing I know, I’m back home like nothing ever happened.”

“And, of course, your next move was to take on your entire school,” Claudia smiled as she pulled onto the highway.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Karl shrugged, “In my defense, they did ask what I was going to do about it.”

“Poor choice of words,” Claudia snickered.

“Hey, they literally asked for it.”

“Fair enough.”

Claudia’s phone rang.

“Smythe,” she said aloud.

“It is literally raining potential champions,” a gruff male voice said over the car’s speakers.

“Is that Slaker?!?” Karl spluttered.

“Whyfront, I presume,” Slaker replied. “I’m glad you’re on board. I’m a fan of your work. Arch Sorcerer Mardun? That was a nice hit, very clean.”

“Does anyone not know I was a ganker?” Karl huffed.

“We can catch up later,” Slaker said, “Smythe, what is your location, you will never guess who just popped up. I’m (snerk) emailing you the details now.”

“Send it to Martin. I’m driving.”

“Will do. And welcome aboard, Martin. Are things weird enough for you yet?”

“Not yet,” Agent Martin replied, causing Claudia to smile a little.

“Well, this one should do the trick,” Smythe chuckled and hung up.

Agent Martin’s phone beeped, and he looked at the screen in disbelief.

“Oh, you gotta be kidding me!”

***

“He’s…” a nurse said hesitantly as she paused by a very stout windowless metal door. “He’s in there, Agent Smythe.”

“That’s a bit much,” Claudia said, “Is he violent?”

“Not at all,” the nurse said, “He… He just… Um…”

“Let me guess,” Claudia smirked, “He has a problem with clothing?”

The nurse nodded.

“We can’t keep them on him. He will literally tear them off his body.”

“Makes sense.”

“It does?”

“Any other odd quirks I need to know about?”

“He insists on being kept damp. He freaks out if his skin gets dry. The doctors gave him a kiddie pool, and he’s happy enough.”

“I’m surprised they would give a mental patient enough water to drown themselves in.”

“There’s only an inch of water in there or so,” the nurse replied, “and while he is about as…”

She leaned in close to Claudia.

“Crazy…” she whispered.

“As anyone I’ve ever seen, he’s definitely not suicidal.”

“I would be surprised if he was,” Claudia nodded, “If this is whom I think it is, suicide shouldn’t be a concern.”

“Forgive me,” the nurse said, “but why is the FBI interested in him? I know he’s weird, but…”

“We have our reasons,” Claudia smiled. “I would like to speak with the patient privately.”

“That’s highly irregular,” the nurse said dubiously.

“Is there anything concerning this patient that isn’t?”

“Still, I don’t like one of my patients being alone with the FBI. He needs…”

“What he needs isn’t possible,” Claudia smirked, “And he is not a suspect in anything… well… other than the obvious. I do apologize, but this involves classified information that you definitely do not want to be exposed to.”

“Trust me on that,” Agent Martin said. “Besides, anything we get out of him under these conditions would not be easily admissible in a case against him, not that there is anything that we will charge him with. We just need some information, that’s all.”

“Still…”

“Let them in,” a woman wearing a very nice skirt suit and even nicer shoes said as she approached.

“Doctor!” the nurse said firmly. “This is not…”

“I will handle this, Nurse Roberts,” the well-dressed “doctor” said with an emotionless smile. “Please return to your duties.”

“Doctor Vogel…” the nurse said, clearly NOT happy.

“Return to your duties,” Doctor Vogel said firmly. “This is beyond the scope of your job… mine too, for that matter.”

Doctor Vogel stepped in front of Nurse Roberts and opened the door.

***

The door opened, revealing a (presumably) naked teenage male with damp stringy black hair squatting in a kiddie pool in the middle of a padded room.

“I want a lawyer!” the teen shouted.

“We’ve covered this,” Doctor Vogel said in a carefully designed, calming voice, “You will get legal counsel before your hearing, which I strongly advise against. Should you…”

“Yeah, bitch,” the wet naked teen snapped, “Should I be found mentally incompetent, yadda, yadda, whatever. I didn’t do anything wrong! She was into it! She gave consent!”

Doctor Vogel sighed.

“Frogs cannot give consent. Besides, there was no frog present when you were detained. You were just masturbating in the park.”

“That’s because you assholes scared her off!” the teen shouted as he “hopped” to his feet. (Yep. He was naked.)

He turned to Agent Smythe and Agent Martin.

“There was a frog! The most beautiful frog I have ever seen! I wasn’t just beating it! I was fertilizing her eggs!”

“I will leave you now,” Doctor Vogel said as she left, closing the door behind her.

“You have to believe me!” the wet, naked, scraggly teen cried.

“Oh, I do,” Agent Smythe smiled, “Mayor Sogbottom.”

***

“So, anyway,” Mayor Sogbottom said as he sat, completely naked, in the back seat of the sedan beside the underwear-clad Karl. “I had just finished a town council meeting and was back in my pond when the sky… exploded… and these demons just started killing everyone! I did what I could, but I was just a frog. First, it was the pixies, and now this? I… I don’t think Cobble is going to survive.”

“Werefrog,” Claudia corrected as she navigated city traffic, “Did your ‘little’ alter ego make an appearance?”

“You know it!” Mayor Sogbottom exclaimed, “Even so, I could only grab a few people and jump them to safety before they got me… not that anywhere is safe anymore,” he added with a sad little “urp”.

He pulled his knees to his chest.

“I did what I could… It… It wasn’t…”

“Dude,” Karl said, “I was there. There was nothing anyone could do.”

He paused.

“I think someone has decided to delete that world. If it is happening in both Tepid Creek and Cobble… It’s probably happening everywhere…”

His expression darkened.

“That whole world is going to die.”

***

(?) a tiny ball of light emoted as it and the soul that it carried reached an impenetrable wall…

… and was immediately rear-ended by another of its kind… and then a thousand more.

(srry!)

(oops!)

(srry!)

(s’ok)

(wat)

(dunno)

(wat do?)

(💃?)

(Y!)

(🕺)

(Woo!)

(🎵🎵🎵)

Millions of bedbugs, with thousands more arriving every second, started happily dancing as truly awful music echoed through the space between worlds.

A multiverse away, Zeb shuddered.

“Zeb?” Bethany asked as she looked up from her beer.

“I just got a bad feeling.”