Chapter 150

Ashlee

Hiccup

The ethereal plane was most like the Ethereal Stroll planes. Ethereal barrels were suspended in the atmosphere high above me. Beer dripped from spigots left ajar. And when the beer fell through the atmosphere and splashed upon a ground of pebbles, the splashes glowed molten white. Wherever beer landed, honeysuckles perpetually grew. They became bushier with each drip. From where other barrels dripped beer, oaks perpetually grew. They became more and more gnarled and their branches moved as slow as snakes. The oak were so gnarled that they could have blended in among an earth made of newly cooled magma.

The ground of pebbles was a path that led out between oak and honeysuckle and into the shimmering clouds of the atmosphere. I took the path and stopped when I came upon an item hovering at chest level. It was a rose quartz stone wrapped in gold wire. The pendant hung from a tarnished chain.

It was Ashlee’s favorite stone. That’s what she had wanted for jewelry. Anything with rose quartz. I had bought her almost this exact pendant when we were first getting to know each other. If I didn't know better, I would have said it was the exact same pedant.

She’d gone out of town to visit family. Since I’d only been bronze rank at the time, and not a soul in Lavenfauvish bought bronze rank beers, I walked to Omes Arbor. I sold my beer there to earn enough coin to buy my first piece of jewelry for Ashlee. And throughout the years, as I gave her more rose quartz jewelry, that one remained her favorite.

The day I gave her that pendant, her smile was the biggest I’d ever seen. It was…

I spotted a figure up the path. A woman whose form was translucent blue like a ghost. Her dress and hair hung from her like a single column of pleated fabric. And her smile…it was…Ashlee’s smile.

My feet moved me, but I felt as though I glided forward. The woman was a soft blue from head to toe. I could see the shimmering atmosphere through her. As I came closer, I understood that her nose, her cheeks, her eyes, they were all…

“Ethan?” Ashlee said.

“Ashlee.”

I dropped to my knees. Pebbles crackled. Pain spread through my heart. My vision blurred.

“Is this you, Ethan?”

“It is, my love.—How?”

“I hardly recognize you. Has it been so long?”

“Eternal.”

“Where is the flesh in your cheeks that used to anchor your smile like a hammock? When did the bags beneath your eyes darken like bruises? When did the silvers appear in your hair? You’ve thinned.”

“Years have gone by.”

“Let me see your hands.”

I gave her my hands. I did more than that. I went to grab hers but my body passed through hers. Cruel world!

“I can’t touch you!” I said.

“Let me see your hands, my love.”

“Here.”

“What happened to your knuckles?”

“I miss you so much,” I answered.

“You look wounded.”

“I hate myself. Without you, I’m less than half the man I was.”

“Tell me, Ethan. Did I hate you?”

“What? No, you loved me.”

“You could not love yourself for me in my absence?”

“You don’t understand what it’s been like!”

“Do I look different to you?” she said.

“No, very much the amazing person you have always been.”

“But you look different to me. I gave you love; why didn't you keep it?”

“I have! I’ve thought of you everyday. I am haunted by this loss—everyday!”

“You’re hurting inside.”

“Grief is a thing, my love. It is sharp and it hurts and it hurts…and it hurts.”

“Now is not the time for tears. Please, let us see each other; look at each other while we can.”

“How long do we have?”

“Maybe a day. Your friend, Hawkin, warned me.”

I rose to my feet. I tried to touch her but I passed through her. But she was so close!

“What have you done with the person I loved?” she said. “I gave my heart to you. I put all my love into you and it is clear now that you have let grief hurt the person I have loved with my entire being. I loved you Ethan, and I still do.”

“God damn it!”

“This needs to stop.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like.”

“Perhaps I don’t. It seems to me that just yesterday, we were to wed. I don’t know how, but I know Margaux led me to my death.”

“How? Please, my love. Tell me how she did it.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t know.”

“There will be justice.”

“Talk of us in our limited time.”

“What can I do? I miss you so much? How can we?…How can I?...”

“You’re the only one left to be loved.”

“Ashlee, I can still love you!”

“You carry the contents of my heart. It was filled with love for you. Please honor that and help me love the person that I loved more than anything.—You, Ethan.”

“I can’t when I’m less than half the person I was since we were together. I’m just crumbs.”

“You can. I know that you visit my statue. I know that you think of me. I know that you visit memories. I know that you gaze upon my paintings. I don’t know how I know this, but I do.”

“You do? You feel these things?”

“I do, but I feel you most when you experience joy. I feel you most when you laugh. I feel you most when you promenade through Lavenfauvish, lost in memories of us. It’s like your heart awakens and wraps its arms around mine. Lately, I feel like you’ve put your back to me and there’s a black window between us and it’s cold. I was horrified when I found out that you betrayed Abigail the way you did. Hawkin said she was worried about you, but I needed to know why. He wanted it to come from you, but I begged him to tell me why. I couldn’t wait. And what he told me—that’s not you, Ethan. We loved our friends. You are the last of you and I. Please don’t tarnish what we stood for together.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“I love you Ethan.”

“Ashlee, I love you more than anything. I would do anything to bring you back!”

“If there’s still room to love yourself, and to enjoy the world like we enjoyed it together, I will feel closer to you in those moments. I believe you feel closer in those moments too. Am I wrong?”

“You’re not wrong.”

“And everytime you are faced with grief, be careful how you handle it. If you are hurting, then I am too. And if you are healing, then I am too. Don’t you see?”

“I’ve done everything wrong!”

“That’s not true.”

“I’m such a miserable fool.”

“Stop Ethan! You’re doing it again!”

In that moment, we both shared singular anguish. We both lost. Things were suddenly clear. I hugged her but my arms fell through her body.

We wept together.

“You’re right,” I said at last. “I see now. What if I can’t help myself? Some days are so dark!”

“You should know that I will always forgive you. But you must love yourself in a world where I cannot. You’re not only all that I have, but all that I cherish too. You are precious to me.”

“I vow that I will take care of myself for you. Grief may bay, but I will fight off its teeth! I promise!”

“Thank you. I cannot explain to you the relief I feel.”

“I love you,” I said.

“I love you. Will you walk with me? Will you tell me about your life since I’ve passed?”

“Anything my love, but may we sit together? Stand? I want to see you, and if we walk beside each other, how can I see you?”

“Let’s walk to the honeysuckle,” she said. “Because I do miss walking with you. Then we can sit until it’s just you again.”

We ambled toward the bushes of honeysuckle. I went to grab her hand several times, even though my brain knew full well that we couldn’t touch. My heart knew she was there, and my touch kept asking for proof.

“Can we do something silly?” Ashlee said when we arrived at the honeysuckle.

“Anything you want.”

“Can we sit and pretend we’re on a picnic? That way we can have one last good memory.”

∞

I booked it through Lavenfauvish. I hadn’t run so hard in so long. I felt my body as I went, and it was thin as a skeleton. I saw my reflection when I passed by business windows on boulevards. My features were ghoulish, sunken, gaunt. But I would fill myself with life again. I would change my ways so that I could honor the love that Ashlee and I had for the world and for each other.

Riggvelte was in full sprint only a few paces behind me. I hadn't seen his eyes light up like that in such a long time.

I soon got lost in my head after I ignored the stitch in my side.

Riggvelete whistled and then said, “Ethan! This way!”

I skidded, fell, then sprinted down the road that led up to Corylus’ house. I bolted up the steps and banged on the door. I knelt over, heaving breaths. Corylus opened the door a moment later. Abigail was in the kitchen sitting at a small table. She wore a blank expression.

“Corylus,” I said. “Abigail. I have so much to say to you.”

“Why don’t you two come in?” Corylus said, and gestured Riggvelte and I in.