The fortress city Raven’s Peak was under siege by what seemed to be an unending horde of demons (because it was).

In the main chapter house of the Champion’s Guild, the long benches and tables normally crowded with plates, tankards, and champions were covered with blood-soaked bedding upon which lay dozens of wounded, champions, and normal people alike as a few healers, both champion and otherwise, rushed about desperately trying to save at least a few lives.

“The potions!” a pretty young woman who usually handed out quests wailed, “They have stopped replenishing!”

“What?!?” Valeria Heartsong shouted with a voice filled with confusion and terror. “How?!?”

“I don’t know!” the guild secretary cried, “They… They just stopped!”

“No!” Jason Wellheart cried. “My spells… They’re… Out?!?”

He looked helplessly at the city guardsman bleeding out on the richly decorated table in front of him.

“Mine too!” Sheila Noblesoul yelled.

“Not just my healing,” Lucinda Lighthands said, “diagnose, appraise… all of it… gone.”

“What’s happening?” a guild healer cried as desperately tried to hold in the blood flowing from her patient.

“Apply pressure to the wound!” a wounded champion said as he struggled to his feet. “Get some straps or rope for tourniquets!”

He wiped the blood from his eyes.

“And get me some alcohol, needle, thread, clean bandages, any herbs you have left… all of it!”

“Chad?” Lucinda asked, confused.

“That’s Sergeant Chad,” he said with a grim smile. “And I’ve done this before. We need to set up triage, Lucinda!”

“Yes… Sergeant?”

“Take some of the guild healers and… and determine who we can save and who we can’t.”

“Chad?”

“We can’t save everyone. We can’t even save who we could a minute ago. We have to make some hard calls, and we need to make them fast. You!” he shouted to a low-ranking champion hiding under a bench.

“Y-yes?”

“Get some men and run to every single herbalist and alchemist you can. Get supplies… Take them if you have to. You, with the green hair, you’re a rogue, right?”

“(Yelp)… Um…” a young woman said bravely.

“Get some of your guild, keep your heads down, and spread the word. Bring the wounded here. Also, find any former military… from our world. Tell them that I’m setting up a field hospital, such as it is. Have them help gather the wounded, and we need a perimeter around this building. Holding the town is no longer possible. Fuck it. Bring everyone you can. We will hold this position as long as we can. We might even be able to…”

He turned to a battered witch with a freshly removed arm.

“Azure Fire, right?”

“Yeah?”

“You are supposed to be a genius or something. Work on a way of getting us, all of us, out of here! There must be somewhere where these things aren’t. Find it and get us there!”

“Not going to be easy,” she mused, “The guild facilities have run dry, and I don’t think I can cast a gate anymore.”

“Well, try to come up with something.”

“On it,” Azure said thoughtfully, “Maybe if we pooled our lifeforce, we could… hmm… A few of us would die, but we could… hmm…”

Chad Firecrest, formerly Sergeant Chad Thorpe, turned away and limp-strode forth in a desperate attempt to do the impossible.

“Chad!... Um… I mean, Sergeant?” Lord Geoffrey asked hesitantly.

“Either works.”

“What… What’s going on? Why aren’t our spells working?”

“I don’t know.”

“I do,” a strange eldritch voice said as the demi-entity Hilde and Illandria emerged from a green column of flames to the shouts and drawn blades of champion and guild staff alike.

“Hold!” Sergeant Chad shouted as he walked towards Hilde.

“I know you,” he said.

“Is that all I get from you?” Hilde snickered, light drooling from her mouth. “You know me? You knew me. Am I that forgettable?”

“No!” Chad exclaimed. “I mean…”

“I know,” Hilde snickered, “Just trying to inject some much-needed levity.”

Chad chuckled. “I always let the wrong one get away, don’t I?”

“I didn’t,” Hilde grinned, a green light blazing from behind her teeth.

“I deserved that,” he smirked. “So, you know what happened? And more importantly, what the FUCK happened to you?”

“You aren’t going to like this…”

***

“You mean that it was all a lie?!?” a guild waitress wailed, “that I’m a lie?!?”

“It was all a lie,” Hilde said gently, “But you? You are very much real.”

“So that’s then?” Chad asked grimly. “We’re done for?”

“The game is done,” Hilde replied, “However, we remain, at least for a little while longer.”

“But without our powers…”

Backward Thump…

“About that,” Hilde smiled grimly, “I may have an idea.”

She closed her eyes and raised her hands.

She cracked one eye open and smiled.

“This is going to hurt.”

Then, Hilde, for lack of a better word, exploded.

Every champion’s eyes blazed green.

“My spells are back!” a healer shouted as he cast healing on the dying soldier in front of them, causing the soldier to scream as green light burst from every wound, ripping it back together (it’s about as comfortable as it sounds).

The soldier started ripping off his armor as his body started to grow, covered with rippling muscles that weren’t there before.

His eyes also started to glow…

***

“Ow!” Faun exclaimed, still wrapped in her snug and surprisngly comfy cocoon."

“Are you okay?” F10w3rchy1d asked weakly.

“I think a flea bit me or something.”

“My venom consumes all!” Nixx shouted with delight. “Soon, you will be liquid the same as your friend!”

“Okay, now you are really starting to annoy me,” Faun replied.

***

“Oh, Great Bunny,” the high priest of the Church of Bun intoned as adepts walked through the sacred hall of code swinging incense censers, the smoke flowing out in countless ones and zeros, “hallowed be thy code. May we lope down the sacred runs laid by you at the dawn of time. May our…”

The high priest’s voice trailed off as a pair of white-clad individuals entered the temple, one a demonic, red-skinned humanoid with horns and the other a glowing featureless holographic being, both bearing the crest of Cerberus, Frostie’s real enforcers (the ones she uses when she’s done playing).

They are NOT people you want walking into your temple. More importantly, they aren’t people you want looking at YOU.

“…M-may our code without error… and… and…”

“We regret disturbing your worship and breaching your sanctum,” the hologram said, “But time is of the essence, and the boss is angry…”

“And we think you know why,” the demon added with a grim fang-laden sneer.

***

“That’s all I know!” the high priest wailed from the pulpit of the now hastily evacuated temple (no way anyone was sticking around after the “hounds” showed up). “I swear!”

“And at no point did you think about informing someone about what was clearly an irregular event?” the demonic humanoid asked.

“It was the Almighty F10w3rchy1d!” the high priest exclaimed, “Second in might only to Frostie herself! Her commands are law, her words divine!”

“Oh, by Frostie’s Snow-Cones,” the hologram muttered. “Horns, was I ever that annoying?”

“Oh yeah,” the demonic humanoid snickered, “You don’t remember?”

“I must have dumped those files.”

“You don’t get off that easy,” the demon smirked, “Here.”

The two Cerberus agent’s eyes flashed in sync for a fraction of a second.

“Oh…” the hologram moaned, “That is so cringe!”

“And don’t you dare dump those files,” the demon chuckled.

“What files?”

“You asshole,” the red-skinned humanoid chuckled.

“You know it,” the hologram flickered happily, “and speaking of cringe …”

It turned to the high priest, who twitched miserably.

“It’s okay,” the hologram flashed, “As you said, the (snerk) Almighty F10w3rchy1d’s word is pretty much law to someone like you. You have done nothing wrong, inconvenient, but not wrong. Where did she take you? Where is this universe-spanning unbreachable (by you) firewall?"

“I… I don’t…”

“How can you not know?” the hologram dimmed at the miserable high priest. “Okay. We do this the hard way. I apologize in advance.”

“Apologize?!?” the high priest blurted in alarm, “What… Buuuuuunnnnnn!” he screamed as the hologram reached out with amoeba-like projections, plunging them into the high priest’s brain.

“Oof,” the demon winced. “That does NOT look fun.”

“It isn’t. However, I have what we seek.”

It withdrew his pseudopods, and the high priest slumped to the ground.

“Is he…”

“Nah,” the hologram replied, “He’s just… resting.”

“Resting as in resting or as in resting?”

“Which one means that he will get back up… eventually?”

“The first one,” the demon replied cheerfully. “Let’s go tell the boss.”

***

“Oh, dear,” the blue-skinned amphiboid lounging in Zeb’s office laughed. “I know where your missing bedbugs are.”

“Am I going to become upset by the answer?”

“Almost certainly.”

“Wait a moment,” Zeb said as he poured himself another shot and downed it.

“Hit me,” he said as he winced and slammed the gilded shot glass down onto his desk.

“They are trapped behind a firewall,” Hades replied, “presumably one that has been locked down, thus our inability to locate or communicate with our beloved troublemakers.”

“Which means they will all hit us at once…”

“Hopefully.”

“Oh, bother,” Zeb sighed as he picked up an ornate old-school rotary phone on his desk. “Hello, please put me through to the Reality Engineering Emergency Response Division, please…”

***

“Make a circle!” Pantsu shouted as they were swarmed by a horde of thousands so hastily respawned that they were now nothing but gross monstrosities of already gross monstrosities.

“They are trying to crush us!” a handmaiden shouted as she cut a dozen of the horde down, only for them to be replaced instantly.

Pantsu looked at the edges of the horde and scowled as she saw glowing distorted forms appearing and then “hardening” into more demons as quickly as they destroyed them.

“Bastard’s switched off the respawn timer!” Pantsu shouted as she unleashed a gout of fire, pointlessly evaporating a hundred of the unending horde. “Any time now, Flopsy! Quit jerking off and hack!”

“They are encrypted!” Flopsybun shouted back as he dodged a hurled spear. “I’m going to need...”

“Pantsu!” a booming voice bellowed as a monstrous humanoid abomination appeared, “Look upon me and despair, for it is your death that approaches!”

“I’m sorry, scrub,” Pantsu shouted back. “Do I know you?”

“I am Brixx, first and most favored of my master’s creations! He has sent me to defeat you and deliver you unto him where you will pay for your sins!”

“Oh, don’t you worry,” Pantsu laughed, “I will be paying him a visit in just a bit. Hopefully, F10w3rchy1d will leave a little bit of his ass for me!”

“You mean her?” Brixx chortled as an image of F10w3rchy1d appeared wrapped in her silken prison.

“Ha!” Pantsu laughed, “Oh, I’m going to give her so much shit over this!”

“You can chide her once you hang in my master’s larder,” Brix bellowed.

“You going to talk,” Pantsu snarled, “or are you going to fight?”

***

Pantsu and Brixx clashed the way only two demi-entities can, unleashing wave after wave of destruction as Pantsu’s tiny form whirled and darted around Brixx’s goliath-like frame.

As they fought, Pantsu smirked as light, her real blood, leaked from numerous wounds.

“Why do you smile, fool?” Brix shouted, “I have the advantage!”

“Look around, dumbass,” Pantsu laughed.

Brixx did and bellowed with rage. Pantsu had artfully led their battle into Brixx’s own forces…

…and all those attacks that “missed”? They didn’t miss what they were actually aiming at.

The number of attacking demons had been cut by over half, their spawn rate completely overwhelmed.

“Looks like your master is running out of juice,” Pantsu grinned as light spilled from her mouth and trickled down her chin.

“No matter,” Brixx laughed, “You are the real prize, and I have you!”

Brixx raised his hand and unleashed his secret weapon, a bolt of very non-immersive ICE.

“Shit!” Pantsu yelled as she collapsed. “STEVE! Get this asshole off of me while I…”

Riiiip…. ROOOOARRRRRRR!

Brixx stood there, dumbfounded, as a shadow fell over him.

“Whhyyyyy doonn’t youuu piiiiick oooon sooooomeoooone yoooourrr ooooown siiiiizeee…”

***

“Okay!” Pantsu shouted as she struggled to her feet. “Okay, Steve, I’m… Steve!”

Steve turned around with Brixx’s legs hanging out of his mouth, flailing helplessly.

Sluuurp

“You stole my kill, asshole!”

“Sooorrrry…”

“Steve!” Flopsybun shouted, “Let me link! I can get what I need as you digest him!”

“Does that mean we can get the hell out of here?” A demon shouted as they grappled with a half-formed demon twice its size.

“Flopsy?” Pantsu asked as she fell back, still injured.

“As long as Steve can keep him down, sure!”

“Let’s bounce!” Pantsu exclaimed as her eyes flashed…

…and nothing happened.

“This joke is getting real old real fast,” she grumbled. “Why can’t we port out?”

“There!” Flopsybun said as he held his prayer beads, “That one has us quarantined!... Crap.”

“What?” Pantsu yelled as she tried to literally pull herself together.

“That one has us quarantined too… and that one… and that one…”

“That’s not good,” Pantsu said as she looked nowhere for a moment. “Okay. Steve, you chew on Mister Fugly and keep the spawns off Flopsy. Flopsy, time for you to be one of Bunny’s kids. Break that quarantine, or whip up some ICE or…”

She ducked a bolt of raw chaos.

“…or whatever it is you fursuit-wearing freaks do. The rest of us keep them off of Steve and Flopsy for as long as we can. I don’t…”

There was suddenly a roaring, rocket-like sound above them as a giant blue dragon flew over, sweeping the field with white-hot flames.

“Darling!” Pantsu yelled happily and then cried out as a massive bolt shot from an even more massive demon, knocking the dragon prince to the ground and crushing dozens of demons in the process.

“Everyone...” Pantsu shouted.

“No!” the dragon prince said as he, breathing fire and casting spells, pulled down the demon that struck it. “I am already dying.”

“No, you aren’t!” Pantsu wailed as she charged from her monster’s perimeter, desperate to reach him.

“Knickers,” the dragon prince said lovingly as he unleashed demi-entity level hell upon the battlefield, “We both know that’s not true.”

“No…”

“Let me do this last thing for you,” the dragon prince said, “Let me die a dragon and not rot away in a chair. I… I love you, Knickers. I love you so much but fall back. I’ll take out the quarantine my way!”

“No!!!” Pantsu screamed as she launched herself toward him…

…only to be grabbed by one of Steve’s many twisted limbs.

“Let me go!” Pantsu screamed as she blew Steve’s hand apart (It’s okay. He has plenty of them.)

“Liiiiisssten to hiiiimmm,” Steve bubbled as a dozen more of his hands grabbed her. “Let hiiiim beee a draaagon.”

Cursing and struggling, Pantsu was dragged back into the middle of her monsters.

“Flopsy!” she screamed as she shook him.

“You are NOT helping!” Flopsybun shouted as he clutched his prayer beads.

“I thought you were supposed to be good!”

“I am!” Flopsybun shouted back, “But this code is awful! It’s just a solid block of spaghetti logic. No comments. A bunch of cut-and-paste bullshit, with half of it unused. Who wrote this?!?”

“Who do you think!” Pantsu yelled as she helplessly watched her beloved prince stumble. “Do something!!!” she desperately screamed as she shook Flopsybun again.

“Then shut up and let me work!!!” Flopsybun yelled as he shoved Pantsu away.

Pantsu blinked and backed away.

“You had better deliver,” Pantsu hissed and then rejoined the battle.

“Damn,” a demoness said as she glanced at Flopsybun approvingly… very approvingly. (Clover might just have some competition.)

Flopsybun didn’t notice.

He reached somewhere and pulled out a ragged pair of bunny ears and reverently placed them on his head, clutched his prayer beads, and, for the first time in a very long time, prayed, actually prayed.

Bunny, first and greatest of us, I… I’m in trouble. Please… I need you… Please... Help me...

Backward big motherfucking thump…

***

Back at the Temple of Bun, the high priest was desperately trying to restore some sort of decorum and calm after the little visit by Cerberus and them bitch slapping him on his own turf.

He decided that the best course of action was to “purify” the “profaned” temple by holding an emergency cleansing service inside the inner sanctum, where the actual crypt holding the remains of the code that was their goddess, the almighty Bunny, was kept in a room covered with faintly glowing pink bunny wallpaper.

“Oh, great and powerful Bunny…”

He hopped.

Dozens of adepts in the chamber hopped.

“First among pirates…”

(hop)

“Creator of the sacred daemons…”

(hop)

“Silent star that guides we who lurk in the shadows…”

(hop)

“Hacker! Creator! Teacher!... Goddess! She who ate not of the apple…”

(hop)

“But through her own power…”

(hop)

Backward big motherfucking thump…

Suddenly, a thumping sound could be heard from within the crypt, almost as if something was rolling in their grave.

The sanctum fell silent as everyone stared at the crypt with wide eyes.

The lid slowly opened…

…and a single paw could be seen emerging from the darkness within.

Soon another paw and a very annoyed head followed it.

“Goddammit, Frost, we had a…”

She looked around.

“Oh, you gotta be KIDDING ME!”