Cody VII

It’s beautiful when the clouds blanket the blue. My eyes follow its sunset’s hue and with my arms wide open to embrace the view. A heart I've broken paired with a mind that’s trapped in gloom. Every single broken piece of broken glass I carry on a back that’s broken in this rainless summer. Even when the seasons change into freezing rain, I won’t be afraid. I’ll walk a path that’s been whispered in wind.

I’ve been chasing an emotion when I became tired of content. The ghosts pretend and they tell me I’m so different. They lie and say that I’m perfect and kiss me because I’m so magnificent. They tell me every like they can conjure all to craft me a crown that is hollow.

I’m just a monster.

And when everything I ever love disappeared I thought I would become something else instead. Now that October’s sun's set, I remember what she said, “Well, I want to hurt you how you hurt me. I want you to tell me how bad it hurts, I want it to eat at you how it ate at me. I want you to hate me, to despise me for doing this to you. I want you to cry, to squirm, and have all that pain crawl into your skin like poison.”

I start to relish.

She’s so archangelic.

And when I start to hear her laugh again it becomes so anesthetic. Her hand brushes mine and I swear it’s magnetic. Her smile is just as dangerous. I swear today has just become so hellish.

I’ve known long of goodbyes. I’m known long that holding onto this thread is ripping the skin off my palm. I know that when I let go the damage will stop. After all, better is what comes after worse. I just haven’t been ready.

When the rain falls, it’ll entrench all that gets touched. Harvested love can only come after the rain. Storm is prerequisite to gain. The sun only shines after it rains. You can only grow after that mental strain. Yet all it does is make evergreens to defend against the next one.

I wonder if I’ll prefer whisky neat or on the rocks.

The lion cub shows up nervous that it might drop. She’s grown and no longer needs to follow behind my leg. She has found the courage to roar and such gets me cornered. “I need to- I need,” her words stutter. “I really like you, Cody. I’ve liked you for the longest time and I just-I just want you to tell me you feel the same.”

She’s a victim of neglect. A starved lion cub without a pack. She’s been lost for so long. All she really ever wanted was someone to look up to. Someone she could follow and teach her how to be a proper lioness. She wants friends. She wants to be accepted. She wants to belong. She wants to grow up.

“You know I can’t tell you what you want.”

“Right,” her word vibrates.

This hasn’t been the first time I’ve told someone no. It is the first time that I wish I didn’t. I never wanted to hurt her but I’m not the one in control of her actions. It’s better to cause her pain now than build a room that’ll just end up suffocating us together.

“Is it because there’s something wrong with me? Is it because I’m too ugly?”

She makes me laugh. She’s cute. “No, dumbass. There’s isn’t a thing wrong with you, Grace. I’m sorry I can’t ever reciprocate your feelings but it’s not because I think you’re ugly. You’re not. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You’re much more than your insecurities.”

“Then what am I?”

“My friend? Shit, my best friend at this point. You’re a dumb little sister that always follows me around and you know what? I don’t mind. I would like to keep it that way, but that part is up to you now.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. You decide what happens next.”

"You want to still be friends?"

"Yeah."

“I’m gonna go back to Sara and think it over.”

It’s frustrating. The day just piles headaches on top of each other. At the end of it, I await the end of my world. I don’t need anything else that’ll make it worse than it already is. I thought I wanted to wait until she left. I think If I do that it would give me enough time to change my mind. It’s already beginning to change.

The swan to the vulture finds. “Where’s Ems?”

“In the food court with Sara.”

The sister has always been a cunning one. She’s always been direct and impossible to hide from. She’s great at getting you to say what’s on your mind. “Ho,” she snickers. “Well now that I get you alone, I’ve been dying to ask.”

I groan. “What is it?”

“You’re not trying to win her over, are you?”

“And if I am?”

“Don’t try to play it off. I know that you’re not. Travis and I did the exact same thing. This is a goodbye, isn’t it?”

My brother never flinched when he heard the news that Jerrica was back in Darkwood. They were a childhood couple just like we were. I thought that he would at least care a little bit. To my knowledge, they haven’t tried to get back into contact. So I asked him about it. He said that some things are better left unshaken.

“How did you two handle it?”

“I don’t know how he feels about it, but it was a near-perfect day for me. Maybe if I wasn’t about to move away, or maybe if things were a little different, maybe I would’ve fallen in love with Travis that night. He would’ve been my first love.”

“He wasn’t?”

“No,” she chuckles. “But I think I’ll get it soon. Come on,” she motions over to me, “I’ve been dying to have a stale corndog all day.”

The lion cub has gone home. Only the swan, the vulture, and the maine coon remain. I half expected the hyena to be here but the animal is too unpredictable. The owl has become so recluse that it’s hard to get him to show up anywhere anymore. It’s been a year since the last fair where we were all here. At that time we had a new member, the dove. Everything has been chaotic since.

I’m left alone with my vulture. Her beak snips away skin ever so slowly ever since I offered myself. Now I’m left nothing but a skeleton. It was a welcomed touch when I fell in love. Now it’s tearing through the trenches without a thought.

Her mind wanders while I win her a gift and it brings her back. She then jokingly asks for the grand prize and I accidentally manage to with. I get her a bracelet she picks out instead. I have to stop the thought that it means anything. It doesn’t. And yet her smile gets injected into my veins. The blush on her cheeks makes it hard for me to resist its magnetic pull.

It’s when she tells me to, “Shut up!” that rips me apart.

I’ve fallen in love all over again.

It was supposed to be over at the end of this night. That was the time I gave myself to say goodbye. Now it has to be this moment. I don’t have any other choice. If I don’t do it now my mind will change. It’s already changing.

I tell her just to stop it.

Her heart breaks. It’s clear that this is what we both want but my words are twisting her mind again. It’s here where she tries to turn around and take back her word. I don’t let her and she leaps into my arms. The sudden touch and her sweet smell make me say the last thing I wanted. It’s not a lie, but I never wanted to say it. It’ll just corrupt her head even more.

The vulture says, “Then can I have this night? Can I have you this night?”

I don’t know how it would feel to experience time at its standstill. I imagine it like how it is now. The world stops and everything fades to black. All that it leaves is me and her and I finally can acknowledge her name. I want my Emily.

“Just you. Because that’s what I want.

“I’m yours.”

-

If god exists, they would tell me I just made the worst mistake of my life. Emily is an infection and I can't fight it. She’s my weakness. She’s everything to me. But she isn’t mine. She never was.

It was shown to me when I was reminded of who I used to be. It was like a fever dream and I’m even sure if it was real. I loved the attention. It turned me into a narcissist. There was nothing wrong with that, I thought. It wasn’t until I hurt Elizabeth. It wasn’t until when I drove Emily away.

I’m just glad I wasn’t worse. I’ve easily could’ve.

I no longer carry any hate toward the hyena. He confirmed what I always thought. There was much more going on than I thought. It wasn’t anything we could do about it either.

When I first met the true poison, I think I knew. It’s why he disgusted me so much. He’s one who is able to take what he wants. It joys him. It makes him complete. It made it so clear to me when he stepped foot in that clearing and told me himself. His fangs sink into those who become infatuated with him. It took away Elizabeth. He was the corruption that killed her. It almost took Sara too.

My only regret was not getting more involved to do something about it. I ran away.

His tone is what haunts me. His smile was directed towards me. In subtext, he was telling me, “You’re just like me.” I think about it every day. I’m not sure how true it is, but it feels like he’s right. It’s eating me inside. It’s killing me. It’s breaking me.

And now Emily holds my hand with her head resting on my shoulder. Does it still end after this? It sure doesn’t feel like it. Even now it feels euphoric. I don’t want to let it go. I thought I was changing. I thought I could change.

This relationship is just a cell. It keeps us caged. I thought I could celebrate the sweet escape. The flame of hell was made to endure, not to be afraid. So why am I afraid? It’s okay. It’s just fire. It’s just love. It’s just us.

It’s just this once.

This heart of mine beats so much that it starts seizing up. It’s the sign of an optimist. She, the vulture, Emily, kisses me on my bottom lip. She shows me what I hide beneath my grin, under my deceitful skin. He’s just a guy who I’d like to meet. He’s one who can see a rainbow in a puddle of grim. Every piece of him isn’t divided into bits as it seems. He holds out his hand that says love is blind so sink or swim.

“I’m sorry, I did it again.” she apologizes. “It's okay, right?.”

“Yeah, it’s alright.”

I can no longer read her thoughts. It should be eating her. It’s not. She’s proud. After all, it's just us for tonight. “Is there anything else you want to do here? I sort of want to go to your house. I haven’t said hi to your mom this entire summer. I feel bad.”

We’re going too far. This isn’t something we can go back from. This isn’t something she should be doing. She has to know this. I know she doesn’t care right now. I know how much she will hate herself for it. But I let her. It's just for tonight.

It’ll be my sin. I’m sure now that she won’t have the heart to do what we both wanted. I won’t let her. She deserves much better. She has better. I’ll give her what she wants but it’s not going to stop me.

I’ve held onto this hope that one day it will all work out for us in the end. It never felt so strong as when we began to spend these last few weeks together. I always thought that it was going to work. It wasn’t going to be now, or soon but in the far future, when I was ready. That delusion keeps me from doing what I need to. I can’t let it hold me back any longer.

I have to end it even if breaks me. That’s what I always planned anyways. Nothing that happens today changes it.

There are two entrances to the town’s fair. No one parks in the one that hugs the forest. It’s nearly empty.

“The food here is good and all,” she says, “but nothing beats your mom's cooking. I’ve sort of been looking forward to it all summer.”

“She’s been bothering me nonstop about you.”

“As she should!”

I barely get the car door open when I hear the hyena’s iconic laugh. I look behind us and see him with the fish sitting on the hood of his car. Someone else is approaching them. The poison is approaching them. My eyes gravitate to his shining metal.

I ask myself if I ever involved myself, could have changed anything? Things would have ended up just like this anyways. I don’t understand it all but it doesn’t matter. I thought this was the night where things would end. I never meant it literally.

I’m powerless. I never felt so weak. There isn’t a thing I can do. I yell to Emily to run but she doesn’t. She can’t. No one can. None of this was in our hands yet we’re holding it now. All we can do is try and survive. I never felt so scared.

My head hangs heavy when we exchange heavy blows. The chest pain only spreads when the red fangs come into touch. I feel the checkmate coming close. I’m ready to let go.

Her terrified frown keep me afloat.

I was amazed by the way that she changed. Her footprints carried the rays from the sun that bursts into flames. Her eyes became a vibrant jade. The color of her skin carried weight and she was no longer hiding. There was never any looking at the ground with her. She always looked straight ahead.

Emily showed me she no longer needed me. I was the only thing that was holding her back. It’s why I was okay with letting her go. She no longer needed to pick away what was left of my skeleton.

I yearn for peace and clarity in a world that offers destruction instead.

We never talked like we used to. I never had any idea about your day. I never knew what you were going through anymore. I miss when you shared everything about your life. I miss when it was mundane and boring.

When you left, that was all I could think about. It was the light in my darkness. Those memories brought me joy, laughter, and happiness to the pain you left, to the pain I gave myself.

I’m glad that I met you. I loved you so much that I had to let you go for the sake of my sanity. I was ready to adore you and support you from afar. I was willing to set my feelings aside. Ever since we were little I saw the potential you had. You accomplished anything you wanted. It was easy for you. This was supposed to be our last night together.

I was ready to become the bitter part of your past.

A stranger.

I never believed I would lose you forever.