Grace VII

The school year begins with Andrew picking his nose and wiping his booger on my backpack’s strap. I flinch back, “Dude, what the fuck?”

He brushes it off and just chuckles. Sara lightly punches him for me as I follow them inside the main entrance to start my sophomore year and their final year. Andrew shoves some guy out his way and everyone just lets him. Sara apologizes in his stead.

“I’ll see you at lunch, yeah?” Sara tells me before she splits towards her class.

Andrew jabs me on the side, “Anyone bothers you, send them my way, okay?”

“Right.”

A year ago, I had nobody to talk to. A year ago, Elizabeth killed herself in front of me and ostracized me to be a punching bag. Someone to avoid at all costs. A curse. Ugly and weird. Someone who has trouble speaking to people. But that was a year ago.

I still haven’t gotten my answer. I’ll never truly find out why she did it or why it had to be in front of me. That’s a mystery I’ll have to live with and that’s okay. I don’t need to know. I learned to live with it.

Besides, she gave me much more than the trauma I suppress. Everything I have now, she gave it to me. In truth, I was never going to learn to stop being the weird girl. I never had what it takes to change by myself. That’s what my friends are for. They’re the ones who helped me find my footing. I wouldn’t be the girl I am if Emily never approached me that day. There would never have been a reason to if Elizabeth never died.

Sometimes it feels like people forget about her. Her mural hardly gets visited anymore. No one talks about her and I feel that they never think about her. Not me, I think about her every day. She’s a part of me.

I share all of my classes with either Tina or Liz. I share one class with that boy Alex everyone says is into me. I just don’t see it. He invites me to the annual first school party of the year. This town doesn’t ever change, does it?

I ask Sara if I should go when she sits in front of me in the cafeteria. “Who’s going to bring you home when you’re drunk?”

“I’ll pick her up,” Andrew answers as he sits too.

“You’re not going?” I ask.

“I got other priorities, Gracie-cakes.”

Cody is still working hard on the new treehouse. It takes him a while to even notice that I’m watching him cut a piece of lumber. “How was school?” he greets me.

“Chill. Got invited to a party.”

“Ah, that one. Want me to drive you?”

I shake my head and sit on the base of the giant tree. “I’m not even sure if I want to go. It’s just bad memories, really.”

“I don’t blame you. Whatever you decide, just be safe.”

I’m sure I will. Andrew told us that ever since that guy Lyle was arrested, the town should have become much more calm. There’s no steady supply of narcotics anymore. It doesn’t plague this town anymore.

“I’m not a little kid, you don’t have to tell me,” I retort which makes him laugh. Hearing it stings a little bit.

It’s been over a month since he rejected my feelings. We’re still friends. He acts like it's fine. I try too, but it’s not. It still hurts. We haven’t even talked about it. I’ve been trying my best to move past it but I wonder if I ever can. Emily cut all of us off her life for that exact reason. It hurts more to stay than to just let go.

“Anything new?”

“Mhhmm,” Cody stops to think. “I’m playing my first show next week. I somehow managed to convince them to let me perform,” he laughs nervously.

“No, shit, where?!”

“Just some small cafe shop. It’s not life-changing, but it’s something.”

“Get me on the guest list, I’ll be your number one fan.”

“You’re paying like everyone else,” he laughs.

-

Liz pulls out a small bag with white powder inside. Tina nearly rips it off her hands out of amazement. “Have you ever done Coke, Grace? I thought it could spice up our night.”

I gulp down the shot of Jack then drown it out with soda. “Yeah, of course,” I lie. They see me as this IT girl because I hung out with the popular delinquents last year. “Where’d you even get it? I thought it became super hard to get.”

“Some guy, I don’t even know his name,” Liz brushes it off. I watch her dip her nail and scoop up the powder. I always thought you line it up and snort it will a dollar bill. I guess this works too.

I’m the last to go. This is what Sara was addicted to. She told me it made her feel like a complete person. It sits pretty on my nail. “Did you even test it? What if it’s laced?”

“Grace, it’s fine,” Liz laughs. “It’s good, I promise.”

It goes up my nose all too easily.

“Do you like it? It’s my first time. Is it better than the stuff Andrew has?”

I nod frantically as a wave of pressure fills up my brain. “It’s good, it’s good.” It’s much different than the ecstasy I did. It’s like my entire body has been disconnected from my brain my whole life and I just plugged it in. I want to do everything. I can do everything. “Holy shit!”

“Right?!”

“Dude, my buzz is gone,” Tina laughs.

I get what Sara meant when she said it made her feel like a person. It’s incredible. It’s just pure intensity and focus as if I’ve been asleep my whole life. I know I should’nt have done it, but I just wanted to try it. It’ll just be this once, just to know how it feels.

It’ll just be this once.

I’m left wanting more. The high fades as fast as it came. I see how Sara became addicted. I don’t want to stop. But I know myself and trust myself and don’t do anymore. I’m able to say no.

-

I’m not sure what’s different about this party. The moment I walk in, I already see people doing lines out in the open. Someone laughs near me saying how they’re tripping so hard. Someone else offers their friend a pill. A girl runs upstairs covering her mouth.

This isn’t how Darkwood is supposed to be now. It was supposed alcohol and weed. The source where everyone got their drugs was taken down. I don’t understand. Andrew told me the curse this town had was lifted. Nothing’s changed. It’s just as loud and out of control as before. What happened?

“Yo, Grace. What went down at the fair last month? Is it true that Emily was shot?” a senior asks me.

“I heard it was a drug deal gone bad,” the girl next to him comments.

“Is that why Andrew stopped selling to me?” Someone else says. “Man, that month without a dealer sucked.”

I’m the center of attention. I’m not sure if I like it. I don’t know what to do or what to say. Everyone’s eyes are all on me. Everyone here thinks I’m something I’m not. They all think that I’m a crazy party girl just because I hang out with Andrew and Sara. They all convinced themselves that the twins became too cool for regular parties and we go to these secret underground ones.

I don’t even want to get into what everyone thinks happened on the fourth. They all think I was there.

“What are you doing this weekend? We should hang out.”

It’s all a bit too much, but isn’t this what I wanted? I couldn’t even fathom people would think I’m this cool last year. It doesn’t matter if fabricated and embellished by rumors that float around. I’m seen. People want to be my friend. They pay attention. I don’t have to be afraid of the spotlight. I could say anything and everyone would believe me. They all listen to me.

They like me.

I’m offered a line. I take it. Shit, it's incredible. The people around me cheer. I’m the center of attention and I now love it. I want to feel this way all the time. Everyone bows to me and I’m their queen. I’m not sure why I was hesitating on taking this stage. I’m not sure why I ever felt insecure.

At one point in the night, Tina tells me, “You said you wanted to go to a rave again right? Well, I was told where one’s gonna be at next week. Want to go with me?”

“Yes!”

-

“You’re pretty cute, what’s your phone number?”

-

“I never knew you could be this loud. You’re so quiet in school.”

-

“Drink! Drink! Drink!”

-

“Do you want to go upstairs?”

“Hmm, no thanks.”

-

“Have you seen Liz, Grace?”

“No.”

-

“Line?”

“Sure.”

-

I stare myself down through the bathroom mirror. Tina’s holding Liz's hair back while she throws up in the toilet. It’s hard to remember everything that happened. I’m not even sure what I’ve all done tonight. It doesn’t matter. I’m the center of attention at this party.

This town, this school has always had an ‘IT’ girl. The most popular girl like from a bad teen movie. A girl you can point to and say, “Yes, she’s the main character.” Elizabeth was that girl. Megan tried to take her spot but she never shined like Elizabeth did. Looking at me now, I see how pretty I am. I can go past that. I can become hot. I can become gorgeous.

I can become the queen of my school?

It’s been a while since talked to Felix. I’m glad I met him. Whenever I do play games with him, he always pushes me to go out and ask for or take the things I’ve always been too afraid to get. He’s much older too so I could always go to him for advice. Talking to him made me realize what I was missing growing up.

He says that I shouldn’t ever feel that I don’t have control. My life is mine and I have the strength to overcome any obstacle. That’s what it means to be human.

Why did it take so long for that to stick?

Alex is staring at me when I leave the restroom. He’s the one who invited me and yet we haven’t spoken to each other. I try to walk up to him but he leaves when I do. He’s a mystery. All the girls like him because of how hot they say he is. I just don’t see it. Tonight a few girls told me they were jealous because I seem to be the only girl he ever approaches. That never meant to me that he likes me. Now, I see it differently. If he likes me that just means I’m better than everyone else.

I follow him and catch him leaving through the front door.

I take a step outside only to see it’s still raining.