At Melanthina’s prompting, John took a more thorough look at his current cultivation. Something about this time was different. John wasn’t sure what, but when Fortkran Tenebach had perished- scattering his cultivation- his attuned totem had gone with him. But John wasn’t dead, and his totems remained. That could explain why it was difficult for people to feel his cultivation.

It was like the spiritual energy in Astrein- most cultivators would say it lacked density, but in fact it was simply the various elements mixed together felt like almost nothing. So John probably felt like a weak darkness cultivator with little else.

John kept his eyes on Melanthina. He didn’t want to get anyone’s hopes up. “I am uncertain if my cultivation is ruined forever. But my attempt to break through resulted in significant damage.”

“We can get you medicines,” Melanthina said quickly. “The clan has resources to help!”

“I appreciate the thought. But I think I would waste them to use them in my current state. And I have done very little for the clan in recent years for them to spend so much on me.”

“But you were clan head for decades!” Melanthina protested. “You brought so much prosperity.”

“And so much danger,” John shrugged. “I nearly squandered it all. I don’t know if the clan owes me much of anything. You don’t, at least. I’ve been a terrible father.”

“No!” Melanthina protested. “I mean… the last few years, maybe. But before that, you were everything I needed. Even if I didn’t always like it.”

“A lifetime of good can be easily balanced by a little bad,” John shook his head. “But I suppose that family should not keep track of what they owe others. If I think of a way you can help me, I will let you know. And if I can do anything for you…” John sighed. “I’ll do what I can. Though my power is limited. I think… I already missed the important things.” Like her wedding.

“Not… everything,” Melanthina said. “For now, can you just stay here?”

“Of course,” John said. “Though I have other people I need to apologize too.”

“They can wait,” Melanthina said. “Though… Ursel and Tirto should be the first.”

“Obviously,” John agreed.

-----

Though it was tempting to head off immediately to see the other triplets, John knew that would ruin what little progress he had made with Melanthina. Sure, she was quite accepting of his apology, but if he went and screwed things up again immediately the fallout would be much worse.

Since he was around, he needed to make sure he at least found Nik. Not that the man was difficult to track down, as the only source of light element in the whole clan. Though he wasn’t necessarily free at any given time, given how he was assisting Melanthina with her duties.

With a little bit of patience, John found an opening where Nik was carrying a few stacks of papers around the clan. “Let me help you with that,” John said. The young man- though nowhere near as young as he had once been- simply nodded, handing over part of a pile. In truth, it wasn’t difficult for any cultivator to carry, even when stack sizes should have become unwieldy. They walked along in silence for a few minutes before John finally managed to get the words out. “Thank you for taking care of my daughter when I failed her. I owe you more than you can imagine.”

“How could I not?” Nik shook his head. “Melanthina being who she is, I wouldn’t just give up on what we had been through. Besides, a good man entrusted me with her once upon a time.”

John sighed. “Wish I could have met someone like that. Maybe I would have kept my head on straight.” He didn’t have much else to say. “Sorry about these last few years.” It was one thing to mourn, and another to allow your mourning to make things more difficult for others who were also facing the same troubles. He was quite fortunate that he didn’t seem to have caused a larger rift with his family that could not be forgiven. Though returning to a state of closeness would take a long time… and it was possible things would never be quite the same.

-----

In this world, John had never been terribly close with his own father. Fortkran had simply been too much for the man to handle, and his mediocre cultivation meant John hadn’t been able to rely on him for advice in that area. To Luctus, Gerben had been a disappointment, but Fortkran had been even more so.

Luctus had been more than glad to accept John, or basically any replacement. John knew he had more than met expectations for most of his time. But now, it had been some time since they had seen each other. Luctus was much like the image of a typical cultivator, generally withdrawn and impersonal. He cared deeply for the clan, but he showed little emotion most of the time.

The man spent much of his time cultivating, not that that was abnormal in any way. It simply meant John had to wait for a break to speak to him. At least he didn’t have to worry about refusal.

When he sensed the darkness element settle down, John knocked on Luctus’ door. “Come in,” came the aged voice.

The door creaked open. The servants would have been mortified to find out anything in the manor could creak. As it swung, the door revealed the shadowy form of Luctus. Some darkness cultivators still preferred light to aid their vision, but Luctus seemed to prefer having no light sources available. At least John could still see in the dark, though he couldn’t quite pick out all the details of his grandfather.

His form was thin, his skin wrinkled. It was difficult for John to say if it was more or less than he had been at any other point. He had already seemed to be at the end of his life when John transmigrated, but who could say if two decades would have brought about his end. His cultivation had since improved to the Consolidated Soul Phase, but depending on specific circumstances that didn’t always come with the same increase in lifespan.

“Hello, grandfather,” John inclined his head politely. “How goes your cultivation?”

“How should I say it…” Luctus tilted his head. “I have advanced further than I ever expected, but I sincerely doubt I will ever reach the late Consolidated Soul Phase. But I have no complaints. And yourself? Why do you seek me out?”

“I need your wisdom,” John admitted. “I am certain you can tell my cultivation has hit a rough patch. You have the most experience.” While he wasn’t the one with the highest cultivation- that would be either other members of the ‘club’ or Johannes Dalen- he did have the longest history. Which would also include the most mistakes that he might be able to advise John about.

Thin wisps of darkness sought out John as his grandfather’s senses took him in. John didn’t hide anything… but nor did he make particular effort to reveal anything. “Perhaps you should explain what happened.”

John nodded. “I don’t think you will be surprised to learn that I attempted to break through to the Ascending Soul Phase.”

“And?”

“I clearly made some mistakes.” Even the thought of mobilizing a significant amount of spiritual energy made John feel queasy. “But I survived. My meridians and dantian suffered severe trauma… and yet I seem to have successfully attuned to my fifth totem.”

“If that is what you believe,” the old man said, “Then I would trust your judgment is accurate.”

“Of course,” John said. “But I don’t know if I have caused myself irreparable injuries, or if I will recover.” John explained the situation- including the situation inside his dantian. “It was so vibrant, once. Now it seems irrecoverable.”

Luctus nodded slowly, closing his eyes for a moment. “Such is always the case after a disaster. Unfortunately, I don’t think I can provide much advice. Just one thing. I can say for certain if you do not devote time to recovery after a disaster that it will indeed leave a permanent scar. Putting in the effort may or may not produce fruit, but accepting defeat is always a loss.”

John nodded, “Just let me ask, do I feel like someone who has ruined his cultivation?”

“Though I am confident I could wipe you out with a sweep of my arm… No, I couldn’t say with confidence anything about your current state. It is… like a fog.”

“Melanthina thought much the same,” John admitted. “I don’t like the idea of hogging resources to myself to attempt to force a recovery.”

“Then you should not,” Luctus declared. “You know as well as I do that resources alone are insufficient to make a powerful cultivator. They are an aid, not meant as a crutch.”

John nodded, thinking of his preparations for advancement. Attempting to break through without the resources would have been foolish, but they also weren’t enough. “I suppose no matter how things are, I owe it to myself to do my best for recovery. This is my current state, and whether it is better or worse than starting over from a blank slate…” John shrugged. “It is where I am.” He still felt uncomfortable any time he looked deep within his dantian instead of simply circulating his energy. “Thank you for your time.”

As he stood to leave, Luctus called after him. “Do not forget… I still have no regrets about accepting you.”

Not exactly a touching and emotional statement, but encouraging nonetheless.

-----

John sat in meditation. Proper meditation, instead of simple exploration like he had performed in Melanthina’s presence. He had dealt with damaged meridians once before. That time, they had been like burst pipes. This time, it was like a fiery explosion wracked him from the inside. He was burned and scorched, inside and out.

He took things very slowly, passing a small strand of the abundant darkness energy through his meridians. As he slowly nudged it along, bits and pieces of it were absorbed into his meridians, soothing them. He should have focused on this sooner, but he’d been completely drained of spiritual energy… and he still felt that trying to apologize was more important in some ways. Though so was staying alive and healthy to actually do something to make up for the last few years.

There was a clear limit to how much spiritual energy his meridians would absorb. Trying to force more would simply cause more damage, even if he was only circulating a tiny fraction of what he would normally cultivate with. Once he circulated a strand of spiritual energy through every path of his meridians in the prescribed manner, it settled in his dantian.

He had gone with a pure element, and the one with which he was most experienced, to minimize the chances of screwing up. He felt like any sudden movements could tear him apart. But while his spiritual energy had slightly helped, he still felt the dull pain. Perhaps some water element would help? Though his meridians seemed saturated with spiritual energy already. Then again, it wouldn’t hurt to try as long as he didn’t force anything.

Slowly he gathered a small strand of water element from the surroundings. There was always at least a small amount of any element, especially those allied with the dominant one in an area. It was even easier than separating it from the mix of elements in Astrein. A small strand of water flowing through his cracked meridians. He thought they would absorb nothing, or at least very little, but instead it drank the water element like it had previously not been filled with darkness.

Bit by bit, John gathered more strands of spiritual energy, guiding them through his meridians until they were devoured. Eventually, he reached the end of the path, adding the water element to the vague pool of spiritual energy within him. He was reluctant to draw any energy directly from his dantian, given the damage and how empty it felt.

He had a serious choice to make next. He could move to the other allied element- earth. Or he could continue a cycle, going from water to air or fire. Though fire was instantly rejected by him, given that it was the cause of the damage to begin with.

He chose air, though he was cautious with it. A cool breeze through his meridians, which happily absorbed small amounts of it. A laborious few hours later, and he moved onto earth. Each element seemed to fit alongside all the others. He wasn’t particularly surprised, but still pleased. John couldn’t help but reminisce about first coming to this world, and how much more he knew. How different he was, even. All of the memories he’d made for himself, not just the ones Fortkran had.

Though some of the new memories were painful. Distracting himself with this cultivation was quite useful, even after it had been years.

The only element he had left to try was fire and light. Light was the one thing that would be most lacking… and he didn’t have a totem. But John was aware he had attuned to a fire element totem. He could feel the Ethereal Flames deep inside him. He was simply uncertain whether or not the connection was flawed. But he had to find out eventually. If using fire element in the future would cause him endless trouble, it would be good to know now.

But he didn’t find it particularly more difficult than anything else. Which was actually better than he had expected. It seemed his connection was good enough for small strands of fire element, at least. He remained cautious as he circulated energy through his meridians, but they even absorbed the fire element without pain. It was like a warm cozy fire.

John breathed a sigh of relief. He had spent most of his day performing a task he should have honestly been able to accomplish in half an hour, if he was healthy. Much less, if the goal was merely to gather spiritual energy into his dantian. But in his current state, he found it more than acceptable.

There was some question of what his cultivation would be like if his meridians and dantian recovered. He still had his totems, but he might still need to work his way up through the Phases of cultivation. He might still run into something worse, but for the moment he no longer believed his cultivation was forever ruined. And if he took another twenty-eight years to return to where he was? He could only consider himself lucky to have the chance.