Screams echoed down the halls of Count Evandar’s castle as the count shoved a gilt dresser in front of the door to his bedchamber.

Eyes wide with terror, he rushed over to a wall and pulled at a wall sconce.

It swung down like the lever it was, and the wall next to it slid over to reveal a hidden passage…

…and a pastel lavender-colored demon looking at him pleasantly.

“Aaa!” he screamed as he flailed at the rapier on his hip.

Hold Person, Evika the demon said with a smile, causing him to freeze in place in a cage of thaumaturgic symbols.

The screams outside the room subsided to moans and the occasional whimper.

The door and dresser blew apart as David the demon strode in, a fragment striking Evika squarely on the forehead.

“Dude!” She exclaimed.

“Sorry,” David said sheepishly.

“Well, we got him,” Evika said, “Now what?”

“Now I have a little talk with him,” David replied. “You might not want to be in here for this.”

“David,” Evika said gently, “I know that you have… issue… with this man and rightly so but… um…”

“Um, what?”

“David,” she said carefully, “I don’t think this is healthy.”

“He deserves to answer for his crimes!” David snapped. “Do you have any idea…”

“I do,” Evika said as she walked over and put a hand gently on his shoulder. “And he definitely deserves to meet justice. It’s just the talk you are going to have with him first that I’m worried about.”

“He deserves more than just a sword through the heart.”

“But you don’t!” Evika said. “You don’t…”

She looked down.

“You’re a good person… or demon… David. What you are starting to do is… You don’t need to do to yourself what punishing him will do to you. Stop it. Please. If not for yourself, for me.”

“Evika…”

“For me, please. I just can’t watch you do this again, no matter how much he deserves it.”

“We need to know how far this goes!”

“And the good count keeps very good records,” Stephan the demon said as he seemed to appear from thin air holding a bound ledger.

The count, unable to even speak, quietly urinated.

“Beaten to the punch, again,” a slim blue humanoid grumbled as he walked into the surprise (and readied weapons or spells) of the trio. “This is getting annoying. Allow me to introduce myself. I am called Hades, and I’m with Pantsu… sort of.”

“Sort of?” David asked as he lowered his blade.

“Allow me to explain…”

***

“So Pantsu’s boss’s boss is here?” Stephan asked a moment later.

“And ‘reality’ is broken?” Evika asked.

“I’m afraid so,” Hades replied. “We are securing this world in preparation for a full evacuation in preparation for termination of this universe.”

“Termination?” David asked, “How?”

“Fortunately, that is beyond my paygrade,” Hades replied, “But I understand the damage to the firmament is quite extensive.”

“But the demon king has been killed, right?”

“He wasn’t that lucky,” Hades smiled as his eyes glowed with thousands of mostly impossible colors.

***

Plop!

A non-orientable surface suddenly appeared in a twisted landscape of ruined ruins extending as far as the eye could see in all directions.

With a wet gurgling sound, it untangled into a battered and bruised giant spider.

“Fools!” he hissed, “They were fools to let me live!” he growled. “Once I recover, I shall gather an army and will burn…”

A petite slip of a girl stepped from behind a shattered wall wearing black armor and holding a mace.

“Hi there,” she said with a frightening but very cheerful, distorted voice…

***

“So even if I do kill him,” David seethed, “He’s going to Heaven anyway, just like everyone else?”

“Well, if you want him to,” Hades shrugged. “But that’s not ‘Heaven,’ not like we…”

“He doesn’t deserve heaven!” David snapped, “He needs to suffer!”

“Something worse than heaven?” Hades asked, amused at the misunderstanding.

“Yes!”

“Then what would you suggest?”

A few minutes later, Hades snerked as Evika and Stephan looked at their friend with horror.

“…That could be arranged,” Hades replied approvingly. “Let me make a few calls.”

The count quietly pooped.

“David,” Evika sad said sadly and looked over at Hades.

“Do you guys offer counseling?”

“We have universes full of it.”

“So, we’re done, right?” Stephan asked.

“If you want to be.”

“And I can go home?”

“If you want.”

Stephan looked over at David and Evika.

“It’s been great, guys,” he said as he gave them both a hug. “Actually, that’s a lie. It sucked. But you guys didn’t, not all the way.”

“Fuck you, Stephan,” David said with a fond smile.

“Fuck you too, David,” Stephan replied. “Strange that this is the last time I’ll be able to say that. Good luck, you two.”

“Take care, Stephan,” Evika said with a smile.

Stephan disappeared.

“He’s not going back empty-handed, right?” David demanded.

“What do you think would be reasonable?” Hades asked.

“Got a pen handy?”

***

Stephan the demon suddenly found himself standing on the side of a roughly paved road with a bag of rice lying nearby.

He looked around with shock and delight.

Home!

He then looked down at himself, at his ratty t-shirt proclaiming the wrong team the winner of the Superbowl, and his skinny arms.

Me!

He was home. It was over.

As tears started to quietly stream down his face, someone, someone definitely not there just a moment ago, quietly cleared his throat.

Stephan whirled around with catlike grace that he definitely did not have just a second ago… in this timeline.

Standing there was an old olive-skinned man in a nice suit with a bald head and a shaggy white beard.

The sunlight reflected off a silver pin the man was wearing on his lapel of a three-headed dog, the same insignia that was on that little blue Hades guy.

“Esteban Alvarez, I presume?”

Stephan looked at him in confusion for a second before realizing that was his name, his real one.

“Yes?” he asked dubiously.

“Your friends send their regards,” he said, “More importantly, they insisted that you be well compensated for your efforts on their behalf over all the years you were working together. I am part of that compensation.”

“Um…”

“The monetary value of the entirety of your accrued wealth and items… in addition to a significant portion of their liquid assets, have been transferred to you. I am here to facilitate their conversion to local currency and the introduction of said currency into your life in a way that will not arouse suspicion.”

“Okay…”

“Don’t worry,” the old man smiled. “We have done this before, multiple times. What I propose is this…”

***

Esteban, formerly Stephan the demon, formerly Stephan the champion, burst into the tiny one-room “house” that was once his home.

His mother looked up in surprise.

Rushing up to her and hugging her tight, he burst into tears.

He was home, the only thing he ever wanted.

“Esteban?” she asked as she hugged him back in confusion. “Are you okay? Is something wrong?”

“Quite the contrary,” the old man smiled from the doorway. “May I enter?”

***

“…a job?” Esteban’s mother asked with dubious surprise.

“More than just a job, ma’am,” the old man said, “I met your son, and he has impressed me a great deal. I see much potential in him, potential that I would like to cultivate… and profit from. I would like for your son to work with me where I will see to his education while he works for me and learns the business.”

“And what business is that?” his mother asked.

The old man smiled.

“Capital investment.”

***

A few degrees north of Estaban’s joyous return, and the beginning of his new, much wealthier life, Tawdry lounged at her desk in the back of the classroom, ignoring whatever the teacher was saying and making rude drawings in her textbook.

She liked making rude drawings. It was fun.

Just as she was getting the hairs just right, the principal walked in.

The hairs on the back of Tawdry’s neck stood on when she took one look at the teacher.

Something was wrong.

Unfortunately, it was also entirely too familiar.

Ensorcelled!

A non-descript-looking teen followed him… too non-descript…

That was also far too familiar. Doppelganger. Had to be.

What. The. Flying. Scooby-Doo and Velma. Fruity Pebble flavored FUCK?!?

“Excuse me,” the principal said with slightly glazed eyes. “I would like to introduce you to Leonard Smith. He just transferred in today and will be joining your class…”

Tawdry made a scrunch face and continued adding hairs to her latest masterpiece.

“You can sit in the back next to Natasha,” the teacher said, indicating a vacant desk right next to Tawdry. “Natasha, be nice… please,” she implored as the class snickered malevolently.

“Hello,” Leonard said pleasantly. “I hope we can be friends.”

“I’m sure we will, buddy,” Tawdry smiled. “Want to hang out for lunch?”

“I would love to!” Leonard enthused with a happy and perfectly perfect smile.

***

“Who was that other girl?” Leonard said as he followed along behind Tawdry at lunch.

“Who?”

“The angry looking one.”

“Oh, that was Stankbush,” Tawdry replied, “She usually eats with me.”

“That’s a mean name.”

“She’s a mean girl,” Tawdry smiled. “Stay away from her.”

“Okay?”

A few moments later, Leonard looked around in confusion.

“Where are we going?”

“Oh, just where I always eat lunch,” Tawdry smiled. “Right behind here.”

Leonard looked around again.

“Here?”

“Yeah, this looks like a good spot,” Tawdry said as she looked around appraisingly.

“A good spot for—”

KICK!

He was cut short by a vicious and very experienced bar room brawl kick to the balls.

He looked at her curiously.

KICK!

He cocked his head and regarded her with detached amusement.

“I’m impress—”

SAVAGE KICK!!

“It’s going to be difficult to enjoy lunch if you keep…”

DETERMINED KICK

“Are you finished?”

kick?

“The hell?” Tawdry muttered as she lunged forward and shoved her hand down his pants.

“Well, this is most unusual.”

“Where is it?” she muttered as she fished around in his pants. “Are you a Ken Doll or somethin…”

His flesh started to sag and ooze around her fingers, holding her hand fast.

Oh shit. Tawdry thought. Ameboid…

“Now, can we just have a reasonable…”

“Let go, you oozy fuck!” she snapped as she tried to free her hand, jerking furiously as she reached for her “special” 9H sharpened pencil.

This was NOT good.

“TAWDRY!!!”

Tawdry looked over at the aghast principal.

“Um… This isn’t what it looks like?”

***

“Mom…”

“Don’t mom me!!!” Tawdry’s mother hissed as she clutched the driving wheel and stared straight ahead. “Don’t you dare!”

“There’s a perfectly reasonable…”

“Is there?” her mom snapped. “Is there?”

“Um…”

“What is it?” her mom seethed. “This I have to hear. How can you possibly explain this?”

Tawdry sighed.

How was she going to explain this?

“Um… I really like him?”

“Not. Another. Word.”

***

Later that night Stankbush walked into Tawdry’s room.

“Oh, they are mad this time,” she snickered. “They almost didn’t let me see you.”

“It’s gotten that you can’t even give a dude a handy at lunch anymore,” Tawdry faux huffed, “I thought this was America.”

“How long this time?”

“Apparently forever,” Tawdry smirked. “I assume it’s gotten out?”

“Oh yeah!” Stankbush grinned. “I hate to tell you this… But I think your good name might be ruined.”

“Oh no!”

“Look,” Tawdry said with a much more serious look on her face. “That guy, stay the fuck away from him.”

“Hey,” Stankbush said, holding up her hands defensively, “You clearly called dibs on this one!”

“No,” Tawdry said, too concerned to laugh at a quite good joke, “He’s…”

“A freak?” Stanky said, “How many times did you kick him?”

“You followed us?”

“Of course I did! Blowing me off over someone who isn’t your type? I thought some weird shit was going down, and guess what? I was right.”

“You’re getting better,” Tawdry smiled. “I had no idea.”

“Thanks!” Stanky beamed. “So what kind of guy can take nut shots like that?”

“The same kind of freak that can stick to the side of walls,” Tawdry replied as she looked over at Lenoard’s face peering through her second-floor bedroom window.

Tawdry reached behind her bed’s headboard and pulled out a wicked short sword.

“What?” she demanded as she glared at Leonard.

“Could you let me in, please?” Leonard asked politely. “I’m afraid of being seen.”

“Can’t you just ooze in through a crack or something?”

“Not without disrobing.”

“Really?” Stankbush asked.

“Yup,” Tawdry said as she opened the window. “Lenny here is a fucking ameboid doppelganger, aren’t you?”

“Is it dangerous?”

“I assure you that I’m not…” Leonard started to say as he sort of oozed inside.

“Very,” Tawdry replied, cutting him off, “But mainly because you don’t see them coming.”

She held the sword at the ready.

“They go down just like anything else, though.”

“You might just be surprised about that,” Leonard replied pleasantly as a three-headed dog tattoo appeared on one of his open palms. “However, I came here just to talk.”

“So talk.”

“Privately,” he said, looking over at Stankbush, who was now holding a baseball bat (of course Tawdry would have one of those lying around). “And for future reference, blunt objects don’t do a lot to us. No bones, you see.”

“Give us a minute,” Tawdry said.

“Are you sure?”

“If Ken Doll over here wanted trouble, he would look like my dad or my mom… or you. I don’t know what his game is, but… (ugh)… Just give us a minute, okay?”

“You are a really weird friend, you know that?”

“You figuring this out just now?” Tawdry snickered. “Scoot.”

“Alright. I’m going to go find something sharp. Yell if you need backup.”

“Sure,” Tawdry lied. There was no way she was going to let her friend anywhere near that thing. Every nerve in her body was screaming, “boss fight.”

After Stankbush left, Tawdry let out a big sigh.

“Why me?” she said as she sat on her bed.

“Well,” Leonard said as he moved to sit next to her.

“Nope!” Tawdry said. “Even bards have standards, dopple. Over there,” she said, pointing at her desk chair.

Literally rippling with amusement, Leonard sat.

“What the fuck do you want, dopple?”

“I was sent to make contact with the former champions on this world,” Leonard said pleasantly. “You came highly recommended by your peers as someone who was, despite appearances, reliable and more importantly, very well informed and connected. You seemed to be a good choice.”

He looked over at her vanity mirror and made a few minor adjustments.

“We have resolved things… Well… Perhaps ‘resolved’ is too optimistic of a word but we have dealt with the (very disparaging snort) ‘demon king’ and are now cleaning up all the messes and loose ends.”

Loose ends… Tawdry did NOT like the sound of that.

“Relax,” Leonard smiled, “If we were going to resolve ‘loose ends’ like that, my approach would be very different. No. I simply wish to ascertain exactly what is going on around here. Based on champion feedback, you seemed to be a good starting point.”

“You got me fucking grounded… again… you know that?”

“Technically speaking, you got yourself grounded. I just wanted to talk. You were the one who reached into my pants… Why did you do that? It made no sense.”

“If I made sense, I wouldn’t have lasted a day over there.”

“Fair point,” Lenoard shrugged. “It was definitely disconcerting. I almost didn’t see the pencil.”

“Which is going in your ear if you don’t start talking.”

“Wouldn’t you just use the sword.”

“Just fucking talk already.”

“I just did?”

“Fucking dopples…” she facepalmed. “Look. It’s going to take awhile.”

“So you are well informed.”

Tawdry didn’t reply. She just walked over to the window.

“Just… Just come back later after the folks are asleep.”

“I shall return at approximately two tomorrow morning.”

“Whatever… And Leonard?”

“Yes?”

“If you even look at my mom, dad, or Stanky… I will kill you.”

“They are unrelated to my mission and therefore of no interest.”

“Get out.”

***

“Fucking get killed, stuck in high school… and now this?” Tawdry muttered as she opened the window at exactly two in the morning.

Ameboids are nothing if not precise.

A thick nearly transparent fluid filled with… things… oozed in immediately.

Once inside, it quickly became “Leonard.”

“I thought you couldn’t do clothes.”

“I never said that,” Leonard replied. “I just happened to be wearing them earlier. Would you prefer me to be nude?”

“You wish, jelly dick,” Tawdry quietly hissed, “What do you want?”

***

“…and that’s about it,” Tawdry said several minutes later.

“Thank you,” Leonard replied. “You have been most helpful. So, the harvesters are still present, and there is an official government agency that deals with this issue… Very convenient… The agency, not the harvesters.”

“I will be more than happy to sic Dame Claudia on your ass,” Tawdry smiled. “Want me to?”

“That would be quite helpful, thank you.”

“Oh, it will be my pleasure,” Tawdry smiled maliciously. “Trust me.”

Leonard smiled.

“Trust you? I might not have a brain, but I’m not that…”

Tawdry’s door flew open, revealing an outraged father.

“Fuck,” Tawdry facepalmed.

“You!” her father bellowed at Leonard. “Out!”

***

As Leonard oozed off into the night, both of Tawdry’s parents glared at her.

“You’re grounded!”

“I’m already grounded!”

“We’re doubling it!”

“You can’t double forever… Dad!”

“Just… Just go to your room!” he yelled.

“Whatever!” Tawdry yelled and stomped off.

After Tawdry’s door was angrily slammed shut, her mom looked over at her father and smiled.

“Thank God!” she laughed. “Finally, something normal!”