I swam in chaos. Blasting away with the pair of wands like a good ol’ fashioned gunslinger. Fire and lightning swirled around me in a torrent of majesty, devouring everything they came in contact with—and there was a lot of surface area to play with. These nasty fuckin’ creatures, that I could only think to call chlamydians—on account of their gross appearance and the fact that they just would not go the fuck away—were quite the festive swarm of annoyance. But, alas, I’m not ever gonna be somebody that backs down from a fight just because it happens to be complicated.

Nah, bro. Miss me with that shit.

I had no idea what was going on, or why this was going down. But, it didn’t matter. My friends needed some assistance, and that was the only real information I needed. I’m—as has been reinforced ad infinitum—a fuckin’ try-hard at the best of times. Right now, though, I was having fun.

I ducked under a vaulting beast, blasted another monster in it’s fuckin’ teeth, danced out of the way of a slash, and, jamming a wand in my teeth, yanked my haladie out of my waistband and sent it flying. The bladed boomerang mowed over the top of the horde as it made its ascent, and I watched a portion of the gross-as-shit ghouls collapse—a lot of their parts that made them alive no longer connected to their nasty bods. Then I went back to blastin.’

A few paces ahead of me was Buck. The big-ass oni was just combing through the yards of monsters like a linebacker on the sled push. Huh. I’ll bet Saban would be real proud of me for that reference. Anyway, he was using his shields like a cowcatcher on the front of a steam engine, parting the monstrosities like…whatever that Moses guy parted. Look, it was fuckin’ cool, alright? That’s all that matters. Anyway, behind me, Edwig was using his Unseen Hand to launch droves of our enemies backward, and between the three of us, we were the eye of the incredibly loud and disgusting storm.

“Pah! Loon!” Edwig called out as I kicked one of the fucker’s in the chest.

“Yeah?” I shot back, keeping my eyes and ass-whipping parts fixated on the task at hand.

“Do you think now’s a good time to deploy that plan of yours?”

I smiled, then shot a very, very quick glance at Buck. He was about thirty feet ahead of us, still trucking along.

“Almost!” I shouted back. “I want him up with the others before I do anything. Can you still do that floating thing?”

“Pah! I got enough juice in me to do a lot of stuff for a while!”

“That a yes?”

“...yes!”

“Good!” I said. “Wait for my signal!”

“What’s the signal?”

“Oh, you’ll know it when the time comes,” I chuckled.

“Pah! Alright! If you say so!”

We continued carving through the swarm of creatures for another full minute before I saw what I had been waiting for. Through the throng of writhing bodies and hissing chlamydians, Buck reached the outskirts of our little war zone, finally joining with the rest of our group. Just as I was about to shout my go-ahead to Edwig, something whooshed over my head.

I looked up, and the sight I saw was straight out of a fucking superhero comic. Rexen, our resident magician-slash-mad scientist, was soaring above the sea of monstrosities, completely unfazed by the gnashing teeth and clutching hands reaching for him. He was nimbly dodging and bobbing, twisting and turning, so completely disconnected from the carnage below that he might as well have been on a stroll in the park.

"Arjee!" I shouted as he landed near me with a flourish.

"Oh, good! You're still alive!" Rexen responded, sounding as ecstatic as if he'd just won a raffle. "I was concerned about your tardiness. Pupil—you should consider adding 'punctuality' to your list of skills to acquire."

"Nice to see you too, ya fuckin’ weirdo," I replied, rolling my eyes. "What the fuck happened out there? And where the hell did you go? You know your little…Barbie Wizard Tower ripped its way outta my guts and into the portal, right?"

“Yep!” Rexen said. “But don’t worry. I have it.”

“Fantastic,” I huffed. “So…what’s the…deal here? What are we…storming into?”

The whole while I was still fighting my way along, hearing Edwig’s loud gasps as he exercised probably for the first time in his life.

"Oh, you know," Rexen said nonchalantly, looking around as if he had all the time in the world. "Ran into a couple of rough spots, dinged up the ol’ knees a little. The elf and I went to a shop for some snacks…got held up by some locals. Then we took a shortcut that turned out to be a longcut, and here we are."

His calm, completely detached recounting of what must've been a hellish experience made me blink. It also told me nothing.

"You make it sound like you've just come back from a particularly eventful picnic."

“Yep!”

"Well, regardless, I can get the actual details later from someone more…in the present moment," I muttered, shaking my head. "So what's the plan now?"

"Ooh! Disciple! We need to head to the temple," he said, nodding to the huge stone structure down the road. "That's where they've taken the weak baby townsfolk."

I sighed. Just when I thought this day couldn't get any more insane, they’d went and added 'rescue mission' to the track list.

"Alright," I said andI turned back to Edwig, who was busy sending more chlamydians into the air with each gesture like he was Mickey Mouse in Fantasia. "Edwig! Let's go save some villagers!"

“What!?” He shouted back, using Unseen Hand to slam two monsters together so hard one of them exploded.

“I said it’s time to save some—fuck it, nevermind—SIGNAL!”

Edwig stopped what he was doing and turned all his focus on me. Then, before I could ask if he heard me, I was suddenly rocketing into the air as he used his Spell to carry me aloft about thirty feet up so that I was staring out over the sea of writhing fuck monkeys.

“Hell yeah!” I shouted, and spotted my group of fellow sojourners.

They were currently under Buck’s protection. From here, I could see what he could actually do. His pair of shields were stabbed into the ground on either side of my usual companions and he stood in the center. He seemed to be generating some kind of force field that had encapsulated them to keep them safe. The barrier shimmered with a dull, electric-purple light and it seemed to be very capable of holding off the horde. I’d known he was some kind of shield specialist, but this was…well this was something else. Not for the first time since meeting him, I wondered what his deal was. Especially what Level he was. I hadn’t asked, because it was clear it was pretty high—but also, it was rude to do so. That being said, I could only guess. Whatever it was wouldn’t be as surprising as finding out Edwig’s Level was Twenty-six. That still had me reeling.

Speaking of Edwig, my mighty ‘morphous glower ranger was there in the air with me. Oh, and so was Rexen—but that wasn’t nearly as unique.

“Alright, let’s get to the next bit!” I shouted. “We don’t have time to—”

There was a loud explosion. Then several more.

Throughout the sprawling battlefield, edifices detonated in thunderous succession. The structures, once the humble homes and shops of the town's inhabitants, now served as deadly weapons of devastation. The concussive blasts eradicated swathes of the chlamydians, their bodies cast aside like grotesque dolls in the monstrous winds of destruction. Chunks of brick, mortar, and wood became airborne projectiles, adding their own lethal notes to this song of annihilation.

Embers danced through the air, illuminating the scene in a cruel, flickering glow. Smoke and dust billowed up from the ruined buildings, shrouding the field in an otherworldly haze. The devastation didn't stop there, though. One by one, more buildings erupted, creating a destructive domino effect that ran rampant through the town.

The townsfolk's establishments, their memories and hopes that once resided within those walls, had become the deliverance from the nightmare. Their sacrifice created a brutal path of survival, the unleashed energy shaping the battlefield to our advantage.

Each new detonation seemed to amplify the ferocity of the battle. The sudden, brutal change of the landscape stunned the chlamydians, their monstrous howls drowned in the relentless assault.

“...fuck around,” I finished my sentence, admiring the carnage. “Uh…good work, Edwig.”

“Pah! Easy enough!”

“What did my pupil do?!” Rexen asked, staring in awe at the billowing clouds of smoke everywhere.

“Oh…you noticed that, eh?” I said with a grin. “No big deal, I just—”

“Pah! He set some traps, is all!” Edwig interrupted. “I was the one who deployed them!”

“God. Dammit!” I shouted. “Don’t try to minimize my role in this, asshole! I was integral to the whole thing!”

“Pah!” Edwig thundered back.

“Pah?!” I returned. “Pah, nothing! I was!”

“Pah!” Edwig reiterated.

“Pah!” I spat back.

“I believe you, pupil,” Rexen assured me, in a tone that said he was only humoring me.

“Fuck you guys,” I said. “Anyways…shut up, we gotta get ‘em to the temple.”

I didn’t have time to brag—though I really wanted to. We’d technically shown up ten minutes earlier than when we’d actually started the fighting. Well, I had. I’d gone on ahead to scout and utilize my expert Sneaking. When I’d seen the horde and the fighting and all the mess, I had almost blown my cover and started fighting right then and there. However, in a rare move by one Loon Nolastname, I took stock of the situation before leaping right into it. I’d noticed that while incredibly numerous, the creatures swarming the joint didn’t seem particularly perceptive, and thought I might be able to deploy some nonsense in the thick of all the confusion. So I had.

Then, when I’d met back up with Buck and Edwig, I’d explained what I’d seen. Then I told them my idea for timing some of the Hexahedrons of Hazards—specifically the red-hued ones Rexen had mentioned being explodey—to go off around the bases of the buildings. However, Edwig had had a better idea. He’d demanded to examine one, and after not long at all, using what I can only imagine was his weird research abilities, said he could remotely detonate them. This seemed like a wonderful idea, and so, I’d crept back around, making sure not to be seen, and placed the magical charges where they needed to be. That brings us back to here.

“Well, how are we going to do that?” Edwig asked. “Our original plan was to just get them outta there and regroup. Now we’re going to the temple. The temple currently swarmed by more of these creatures than I can count?”

“Well, that’s the thing about plans, Edwig,” I said, scanning the battlefield. “They never go like you think they’re going to. That’s why you’re supposed to be able to switch them up and improvise at a moment’s notice.”

“Pah! That’s not the point of plans, orc! Plans are supposed to go off without a hitch. It wasn’t until I met you that I’d seen so many carefully laid strategies go off the rails!”

“Yeah, well, that’s the cool thing about me,” I said. “I'm all about freestyle!”

“What do you want me to do with all these rocks, then?” Edwig continued. “Since our original idea is now in the bin?”

“I dunno…” I said, not really paying attention. “Stuff ‘em somewhere, I gue—wait! Actually, goddamn, I got an idea!”

“Here we go…” Edwig groaned.

“My apprentice is having a big brain moment!” Rexen declared. “Let us back away and give him some room!”

“Shut up, Arjee,” I said. “I don’t need any room—my brain already takes up all the room it needs.”

“I’ll say…” Edwig muttered.

“Quiet, you,” I said. “I think I’ve got it…”

I paused a moment, still considering.

“Yep! Got it!” I declared, putting a hand on the choker around my neck. “Edwig, get ready with the rocks, but I want them centered on me, alright? Can you do something like that, even if I’m moving?”

“Pah! Orc, that’s an insulting question! My Unseen Hand is the most advanced Arcana in the land.”

“Really?” Rexen asked skeptically.

Edwig looked bashful.

“Well…it’s advanced, in any case…”

“Okay, well, shut up for a second,” I said. “Track me with them. But…make it real tight, okay? Like, you might think you’re not giving me enough room, but I want those motherfuckers stacked.”

“Alright, well—” he started, but I caught him off.

“Arjee, I need you to get down there and let them know they need to get ready to run to the temple.”

“Aye-aye!” He said and flashed away toward the barrier.

“Edwig, I’m going to have you go with them. It’ll be safer that way. Also, when you land, give me a signal and drop the Unseen Hand. I’ve got something else in mind.”

“Pah! I’ll do as you say, orc, but don’t think you’re ever wresting the leadership role from me. I’m only listening right now because I want to see what unfortunate pandemonium you are able to achieve—not because I believe in you.”

“Thanks, love you too, Edwig. Now—”

It was a moment too late for me to gloat about it, but a message popped up right then.

Leadership! Up? Down? Who knows?!

Congratulations, someone doesn’t find you a blithering dummy…for once.

Well, well, well. It was garbled by nonsense, but I think I understood the ramifications of this message. My Leadership Skill had gone up. Right?

“Let’s do it up,” I said, rather than mention anything to the illisnaf who was trying to pretend he wasn’t getting sweet on me. Though, the fact that he’d gone out of his way to mention he didn’t believe in me made me think that…just maybe, he actually did appreciate my plan. Whatever, better to figure out my marvel…ocity…later, when there weren’t monsters to trick into dying.

Edwig nodded and floated down to the group. I noticed that the barrier parted for a split-second to allow him access and then reformed. The chlamydians were still raging around at it, trying desperately to burst their way through. All eyes were turned to me. I nodded. Then I heard Edwig.

“Signal!” He yelled, and I almost laughed, but then the Unseen Hand dropped and I had to act quickly. I activated Bahlgus’s Gorget of Flight and felt the air catch me. A colorful tail flowed out behind me and I smirked.

“God…I hope to fuck this actually works,” I said. Then shot forward through the air. I didn’t have to wait long for the next portion as suddenly, the rocks appeared.

So, I feel like I should pause for a second to mention one thing about Edwig: he had a tendency for understatement. Not in his general manner—ha! No, that guy was full of himself—but in his naming conventions. Unseen Hand was probably the most primary example of this. He didn’t have a lot of combat Spells at his disposal, but he didn’t really need to. His whole life until meeting up with me had mostly been spent in research—which he was apparently pretty decent at. I mean, it’s usually a testament to someone’s skills if they’re so great at what they do that they get bored and start experimenting with other stuff so hard they get blacklisted. That’s all to make a point that—credit where credit is due—Edwig was very efficient at getting really fucking good at whatever talents he had.

Which was why I knew the sight of the rocks appearing in the air next to me was going to terrify the absolute bombarding bejesus out of anyone witnessing it. Unseen Hand? Nah, bro. That shit shoulda been called Unseen Kraken. Dozens upon dozens of stones suddenly appeared in the air next to me, lifted up from their original resting spot near the town entrance. We’d seen them when we arrived, and decided the best way to put some obstacles in our pursuers paths was by placing a literal obstacle in their path. Granted, that had been when our plan was just to swoop the homies and goose it. We figured borrowing the barrier to replace at a critical moment was more important than anything else. So we’d taken the rocks someone had carefully placed to keep the beasts out. Now, those very same rocks were hovering in the air like an army of moons—and I was their home planet.

As I flew forward, they clustered together, chasing me along in the air like a flock of birds teaming up to chase off a predatory raptor. I held my hand out as I passed over the magical barrier Buck’s powers had created, delighting in the fact that most of the faces within were staring up in absolutely pure, unadulterated bafflement.

Heh, check this shit out, m’pals.

My fingers grazed one rock among the cluster and that’s when I activated Pernicious Volley. Then I lifted the stone and fired. Or tried to. It didn’t move.

“Fuck!” I shouted. Edwig was still holding the stones with Unseen Hand! I hadn’t told him to release them. Fuck, fuck, fuck! Pernicious Volley had a very narrow timetable on its activation duration. I frantically looked down at Edwig.

“Edwig! If I touch it—let go!”

He didn’t say anything, but I suddenly felt the stone lose its invisible suspension and, hoping I wasn’t out of time, fired the stone into the midst of the chlamydians. It was, as always, impressive to see Pernicious Volley turn any tossed object into a stinger missile. The clod hit the ground with a crack like lightning and I saw the earth beneath erupt in dust and smoke as the monsters exploded. This had carved a considerable hole into the area right in front of the barrier. But I was already moving on to the next one. Hoping Edwig was watching, I grabbed another stone and fired it as well, directly ahead of the last strike’s destruction. I was going to clear a path one way or another for the crew to reach the temple.

“RUN!” I shouted, as I grabbed stone after stone, tossing them like asteroids and wiping out immediate resistance for them.

I flew ahead, still tossing as the barrier dissolved and as one, they all rushed forward. I could see there were still some stragglers on the edges of the newly-fissured avenue, but…someone I didn’t recognize was taking care of them as the rest of the group hoofed it. She was pale and looked a little like some kind of fist-fighting…banshee…or something. Whatever, if she was helping, I wasn’t going to ask questions.

My Pernicious Volley was about to run out, so with one final effort, I fired the biggest stone in my midst right at the front of the temple. Chlamydians rained down in all directions and I immediately switched to my wands. I buzzed around firing, making up the space between the temple and the forty feet remaining of where my allies were racing. I watched the remaining stones suddenly fire downward as well, directed roughly ahead. Edwig’s Unseen Hand wasn’t as strong as Pernicious Volley, but it didn’t need to to be effective. More area was cleared, and now I could focus solely on flaming lightning death from above. So anyway, I started blasting. I fired Spell after Spell wherever I saw encroaching monsters, turning them into likenesses of the last time I tried unsupervised cooking.

My attention snapped back to the front lines as I saw our little battalion close in on the temple grounds. My fingers twirled and twisted, my wands spewing out veritable rainstorms of elemental fury in my wake. Every shot a deadly blow that culled the monstrous swarm around us.

And then, as if the entire world took a collective breath, the tide of chlamydians ceased their assault. The unyielding swarm was slowing down, dwindling to only the most stubborn of assailants. A brief pause in the relentless cacophony allowed me to get a clear view of the battlefield. The monstrous sea that had enveloped us was slowly retreating, revealing the horrid expanse of destruction we'd left in our wake.

Then the ground shuddered.

From the ruins of a nearby building, now nothing but a pile of rubble and billowing smoke, a new adversary emerged. The chlamydians around it scattered, making way for this gigantic monstrosity. This wasn't like the others. This one was different. Bigger. Scarier. A hulking abomination standing a staggering…fifteen—twenty feet tall, its grotesque form was like a more evolved version of the chlamydians, rippling with power that hummed in the air. A halo of pulsating red energy hovered above its head, a stark contrast to the dimly lit, chaotic battlefield. The sight was almost biblical.

"Oh, fuck me up a tree," I shouted over the chaos. "Party’s over! Daddy’s home!"

Without wasting a second, I began to pelt the massive beast with a barrage of fiery and electric blasts. But the behemoth barely acknowledged the attacks. Instead, it leaped forward, clearing a distance of twenty feet in a single bound, charging through its smaller counterparts with an unwavering determination. Its sights were set on the temple.

"Damn it, he's coming right for us!" I yelled, but my words were lost amidst the blaring music and the continued barrage of attacks. This was going to be a big fucking problem if we didn't act quickly.

“Let us in!” Dragoon thundered. They’d reached the temple, but a new issue had arisen—the door was likely barred from the inside and no one within was likely willing to risk debattening the hatches when there was the threat of immediate, instant death.

“Rua!” I shouted, my eyes still on the big monster that was barreling toward us.

“Loon!” She shouted back.

“Catch!” I roared and then, taking a quick look, I yanked the wand of supreme unlocking out of my pants and chucked it down to her. With a flourish, the red haired elf leaped into the air and caught it, looking down at it for just a second before nodding at me and turning around to face the door.

“Outta the way!” She shouted.

I looked back up to see how close Chlamydius Prime had gotten…just in time to see him leaping through the air right in front of me.

BOOM!

I was hit by his big ol’ meaty paw and a split second later I collided with the outside wall of the temple. My head smashed hard against the stone exterior and all the wind got knocked out of me. I was dazed as I fell some twenty feet to the ground.

My vision blurred, my ears filled with a loud ringing, and my body felt like it had just been run over by an eighteen-wheeler... three times. I tried to lift myself, to get up, but the pain...fuck, it was overwhelming.

Then, through the foggy haze of my disorientation, I noticed the chlamydians. They were closing in, their monstrous forms skittering over the desolated battlefield towards me. I could barely make out their grotesque figures against the fiery backdrop of the night, but their hungry eyes, shining with a cold, predatory light, were impossible to miss. My blood ran cold. This was it. I was about to become the main course in a beastly banquet.

Summoning every bit of strength left in me, I raised my wands, ready to blast away the monsters as they came. But just as the first of the swarm reached me, a sharp cry echoed through the night air.

"Displace!"

Suddenly, the world blurred around me and the next instant, I was standing in front of the temple, panting and disoriented. I looked back in utter disbelief, only to find Rua standing where I'd just been, ready to face the swarm on her own. She'd used her switcheroo mechanic to save me! What the fuck?! Why the hell would she do that?

Then they hit her. I watched with confused horror as she was torn apart.

Fuck! Rua!

Before I could even think of acting, a hand grabbed me by the collar and yanked me into the open door of the temple. It slammed shut behind me, cutting off my view of the outside world, of Rua, and the ensuing visceral death of a comrade.