I blasted a few more times with the wands to give myself more distance, then had to dive around as chlamydians darted at me. I led them to one side, then leaped over them and ran back to the circle. Drawing in a deep breath, I activated Eye of the Saboteur. I didn’t know if it would work, but I was out of options. It was do or die. Probably die.

With a feral yell, I slammed my hand down onto the magical symbols on the floor. The world around me exploded into a brilliant flash of light as I was shown the guts of this entire goddamn place. The room around me, the tunnels sneaking off into who the hell knows where, and even the massive, granddaddy church upstairs were lit up. Unfortunately for me and my shitty plan, it was all washed in blue. Structural soundness, they call it. No weaknesses. That meant this place was sturdier than a doomsday bunker.

But then again, there was the fucking sorcery art project under my feet and the weird crystal crap that had just turned this whole place into a magic womb. Those bad boys weren’t blue. Oh, no, they were showing up in more shades of green than a kale-smoothie convention hall. Spells. Not surprising, but also disheartening. I couldn’t really do much for those. A neon ribbon of magical emerald energy, all pulsing and swirling and looking generally unsmashable.

Wait . . .

Right in the middle of all this crazy bullshit was a hole. A void. A fuckin . . . nada. It was where the obelisk-pylon-thingy should’ve been. Instead of being lit up like everything else, it was dark. Empty. Like a black hole had opened up right in the middle of the fucking planet.

It wasn’t just weird. It was wrong. Everything else was part of the structure, bound together, stronger than a drunken frat boy’s bonds of brotherhood. But this thing? It was off, a lone wolf, disconnected and solitary like it wasn’t even a part of the same reality as the rest of this nightmare. What the hell was its deal?

Just like the very first time I ever activated Eye of the Saboteur, something about those obelisks kept them from being recognized by my Ability. When I’d performed it on the statue that happened to house the pylon in the Crypt, the same thing had happened. A dark void—like the space just didn’t fucking exist. I was seeing the same thing now, and my mind was starting to itch.

I remembered obliterating it. The thing was old, right? The one in Rexen’s cache had looked ancient as well,

“Fuck, I hate wizards,” I muttered to myself. “Why can’t they ever be helpful for once? Screw you, Rexen, you worthless—”

The world turned still and I was suddenly in the unmistakable bubble of Commune.

Hello! Rexen said, entering my head. How’s my favorite pupil doi—

Bad! Real fuckin’ bad, Arjee! I said. Thank the goddamn you appeared when you did, ’cuz I need a couple of minutes to strategize real quick before—

Oopsie-doopsie, Rexen said. I don’t have time to chat; just wanted to check on you and—

No, no, no! I shouted in my mind. Goddammit! Don’t go anywhere; I’m fighting for my fuckin’ life! Hold it for as long as possible; I’m battling some kind of reanimated cosmic sorcerer motherfuck on top of a magic circle, and if I don’t—

Magic circle? Rexen asked. Have you tried disrupting it? That should do the trick! Okay, bye-bye now, pup—

Goddammit, listen to me! I don’t really know how to disrupt the circle, and I’m hoping—

Silly disciple! The easiest way is to break the vessel that contains the power! Do that! Okay, I’m leaving n—

I don’t know how to break this vessel, you goddamn putz! Stop trying to escape and give me a moment to think! Fuck!

My apprentice will never learn if I give him all the shortcuts, Rexen continued, and his tone sounded . . . smug. But . . . since I am famously liberal with my affections, I will give you one extra cast of Commune to solve your problem—then—you’re on your own!

Shit! Okay . . . shit! SHIT! Um, uh, goddamn. Arjee, what’s the best way for me to gain an Ability or Skill super fast—ideally something that I can do within one minute?

Fifty seconds, Rexen said.

What?

You had fifty seconds left on Commune—now forty-three. I cast it before I had finished the sentence informing you about the time limit. Thirty-eight!

Not helping! Answer the fucking question!

Prickly pupil . . . Rexen said. But okay—why don’t you use some of those succulent Esper Nodes you’ve been hoarding?

Fuck. Motherfucking goddamn ass. Of course! The Messenger orb had told me something similar, but I had completely forgotten that because I’m always forgetting things when I’m being actively wrenched through a portal made out of pain. But there wouldn’t be enough time to do that, not with this giant sleep paralysis demon breathing down my dick.

Arjee, I need one more cast of Commune and then I’m done—give me that and I’ll owe you big time!

Really? he asked, and I knew by his tone that I was going to regret this tit-for-tat. I mentally sighed.

Yes, do it!

As you say, pupil. Just remember—you promised!

I ignored him for the moment—I had some Espers to Node, or whatever.

Frantically, I summoned my menu and scrolled through the invisible screen only I—and maybe Rexen—could see. Finally, I found what I was looking for. The Esper Nodes.

Without a second thought, I selected the top option: Topaz. Just a name, really. Didn’t tell me jack shit about what it’d actually do. But hey, this was no time for being a chicken. I wasn’t exactly sure what would happen, but at that moment, anything was better than being stuck in blueprint land with a glow-in-the-dark circle and a damn mystery pylon.

“Alright, Topaz,” I muttered, gritting my teeth as I selected it. “Let’s see what kind of party tricks you’ve got.”

Would you like to use [Topaz] Esper Node to modify aspects of yourself?

Hell fuckin’ yes, I thought. Goddamn anything is a win right now.

Before, when I’d done this, I’d been able to use the Emerald Esper Nodes to combine two Abilities and make them into the Warchant Ability. Which had come in oh so clutch. But the menu that sprang up this time, when selecting the Topaz Esper Nodes, was something different.

Thankfully, this section of the system seemed immune to just sending me eggplant emoji or something worse, and, while annoyingly sarcastic, it gave me some insight into what I could expect. Surprisingly, it was not at all what I expected. Rather than combining Abilities this go-around, apparently, the Topaz Node was for . . . well . . . other stuff. Very, very quickly, I read through the prompts.

Additional [Orc]* Racial Bonus

Available Racial Bonuses:

Runic Tattoos

Oh great, another orc who thinks doodling on their skin makes them a sorcerer. Well, as it turns out, these aren’t your everyday doodles—they’re ancient runes with magical powers. I know, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but when etched onto the orc’s skin, these tattoos can imbue them with an array of arcane abilities—without using Arcana! Everything from transforming their fists into flaming pugilism gloves to making their skin as resilient as an overcooked steak. Magical graffiti; who would’ve thought?

Available Runic Tattoos [1]

Totemic Mimicry

This tattoo allows an orc to take on the appearance and voice of another person they’ve touched. Great for infiltration and deception or saddling someone else with your substantial debts. Maintaining the form requires focus [Outcome for efficiency is Intelligence + Deception quotient].

Ancestral Augury

Because why should orcs think for themselves when they can pester the long-dead for advice? With this ability, the orc can summon their dearly departed ancestors for a good old chinwag about life, love, and how to best swing a battle-ax. No need to bother with maps or strategies when you’ve got a disembodied ghost of a great-great-auntie to guide you to the nearest treasure or warn you about that incoming storm. Hey, two heads are better than one, even if one is ethereal and constantly reminiscing about “the good old days.”

Available Ancestral Auguries [2]

o Augury of Weather

[1] Charge per day, you can request to know the weather in an area of [5] ectrens of your current location.

o Augury of Navigation

[1] Charge per day, you can request to know the direction to any location within [30] ectrens of your current location.

Blood of the Mountain

An orc who gets stronger when they’re closer to dirt? You bet. If an orc with this ability is in a mountain or cave, they might as well be king of the world. They can sense precious stones like a pig sniffing out truffles and get so tough, you’d think they were made out of the rock itself. Honestly, it’s like they believe the earth is some sort of multivitamin.

+ 1 Strength per [50] feet of depth within earthen environments

+ 1 Constitution per [50] feet of depth within earthen environments

Gain Detect Minerals Ability

Well, this was fucking useless! I was in danger of getting eaten by some kind of demi-Satan in a closed-off crystal cocoon, and my best options were Abilities that let me either sniff around for minerals or guess the seven-day forecast. This did not bode well, and I had almost just decided to cowabunga this whole thing when I saw an asterisk at the bottom of the message.

*Additional Racial Bonus Available: 1

Fuck it, let’s do this thing.

I selected it and saw to my utter shock that . . . I wasn’t fully orc. I mean, yeah, I’d suspected it for some time, but this was the rock-solid confirmation to bring my deductions out of tin foil territory.

Because at least 10% of your Racial Makeup comprises an additional Race, you have the option to select an additional Racial Bonus!

[Possessed Roe]

I didn’t have time to think about what that meant for me; I just quickly read over what was offered. Extremely quickly.

Available Racial Bonuses:

Biter

The ability to summon razor-sharp teeth that can chomp through nearly anything you can imagine. Wood, iron, stone? No problem. Biter makes the user a living, breathing, terrifying tool of destruction. Once activated, the roe’s regular teeth are replaced by a maw full of elongated, serrated fangs, ready to rip, rend, and tear through whatever stands in their way. Just don’t try eating any soup. Trust me, it gets messy.

Gain Possessed Roe Teeth

I hope you floss regularly.

Well . . . huh. Fuck it—cowabunga, anyway!

I accepted the Ability and yanked myself out of the menu.

Alright, Arjee! I’m fuckin’ ready! Can you send people down here in the tunnels to help . . . maybe, I dunno, break this bitch open? I could use the assistance!

No, unfortunately pupil, we are dealing with our own problems up here.

What kinds of problems?

Monster problems. They broke in! Oops—gotta go, bye!

“Fuck!” I roared, just as Commune died.

Then I got immediately blasted into the wall as Carmichael shot out of his unknowing time stop. I watched my Health take a little bit of a hit, but considering my Constitution had been upgraded by the Luck Accrual, I actually wasn’t doing too bad.

With that revelation buzzing in my skull like a frenzied hornet, I had no more time to pause and ponder over my hazy heritage. The chlamydians were closing in, their eyes gleaming with savage bloodlust.

The haladie felt right in my hand, its twin blades humming for carnage. On my other hand, the pique gleamed ominously in the strange glow of the room. They were my tools for the upcoming frenzy, and goddamn, they were ready.

I moved like a whirlwind. The first chlamydian met its cruel end by way of my haladie, a blade slicing across its grimy throat with a guttural spray of lifeblood. A second lunged at me, but I sprang into a backflip—holy shit, by the way—and it pursued, only to meet the pique up close and personal as I drove it into its chest, puncturing the monster’s wicked heart. The third creature barreled into me, a fearsome snarl distorting its grotesque face. But I blasted that bitch in the snout with my knee, then followed up by dropping my elbow on its neck with a satisfying crunch. It squealed in agony and fell to the ground, twitching in death throes.

Despite my desperation, I was enjoying myself. But that pleasure was short-lived as I realized I was about to be swarmed by the remaining chlamydians. This was going to be ugly.