Chapter Forty-One - Big ol’ Mecha Cats

“On every governmental document, there is a tiny checkbox, entirely hidden in the document’s code.

This checkbox can only be checked off by solving a complex cryptographic code, the sort that adds a few megabytes to the size of the document’s file.

It essentially reads as such:

If you are a samurai, check the following box:

Once checked, the document is considered ‘complete’ regardless of how much or how little was filled on it. An analyst will check to determine if the providence truly does belong to a samurai, and will then file the document accordingly.”

--IRS ‘Blue book’ instructional manual.

***

To be entirely honest, I really didn’t feel like working, and yes, contrary to what Lucy believed, shopping for stuff totally counted as working.

Mister Tentacles was over in the corner, doing nothing, and both Lucy and I had a lot of free time all of a sudden. There were at least a dozen very fun things we could have been doing instead.

But no, I had responsibilities and stuff to take care of first.

I sighed. “Okay, from the top then,” I said.

“Wonderful!” Myalis said. “If you wish to follow the list Gomorrah outlined for you, then the first purchase you should look into is a method by which to secure your place of residence.”

Lucy leaned back, still hugging the dumbass close. “That might be tricky,” she said.

“What’s that?” I asked.

“We don’t exactly have a place of residence.”

I blinked, then gestured around the lavish room. “What’s this then?”

“A hotel room? It’s really nice, and I’m sure with your crazy samurai money you could keep us here for a while, but it’s not permanent,” she said. “What’ll happen if you get hurt? Will we get kicked out? What if we want more kittens? They’re already two or three to a room, which is fine since we have big beds here, but that’s a temporary solution.”

I leaned back into the very comfortable bed. “Damn. Alright, so we need a house. Like, a proper place to stay in. Myalis, can you give me an idea of what a place would cost?”

“The range of prices for a home is rather huge, you are aware. Perhaps a few additional factors to narrow it down? I’m assuming you want to stay within the same hemisphere?”

“Uh, right, that’s true. Same city? Maybe... a place with enough room for all the kittens, and then a few more.” I sat up then pulled my legs in and started to pull my boots off. My feet were... completely fine. It felt as though they should have been achey, but my alien boots were too good for that apparently. “Maybe we can buy a place and renovate it?”

“The good news in that case is that quite a few buildings were recently evacuated and are being dealt with by local insurance companies. Some small businesses have also surrendered their leases.”

“Oh,” Lucy said. “That’s great! We could buy like, an entire penthouse floor.”

“I can’t imagine the top floor of a building being cheap,” I said.

“There is only one for sale right now. It happens to be one you’re familiar with.”

It took a moment for that to click. “No way,” I said. Then again, the damage had been fairly extensive, and I couldn’t imagine the folks that had been there with us not suing the ever loving shit out of the idiots who ran the place. And I recalled Longbow being a bit miffed too, what with some of his gear being messed with.

“It’s current going rate is Two-hundred ninety-eight million credits.”

I worked my jaw. “Uh. That’s a bit more than what I have. Is that to buy the building?”

“It’s to buy the topmost floor. Not including yearly utilities. As a samurai, you wouldn’t need to pay taxes, of course.”

“That’s a bit much,” Lucy said. “Like, a big bit much.”

“Yeah,” I replied. But I was still thinking about it. It was a nice enough building. And I bet we could add some decent security. Longbow would probably be fixing that roof-mounted gun of his, which was a nice bonus. And there was parking on the roof and out front. “I’m really tempted,” I said.

“You can’t be serious,” Lucy said. “That place was huge.”

“Exactly. Plenty of space to build rooms for the kittens. It might be really neat. And it needs renovations anyway, so we could armour it up or whatever.” I nodded, liking the idea. “It’ll make for a really cool place to live.”

“You did catch on to the fact that the price tag has nine figures, right?” Lucy asked.

“Yup,” I said. “You don’t like the location?”

She giggled. It was a strange giggle though. “Oh, wow, uh, yeah, it’s a nice location, I guess.”

“Myalis, can you get in touch with the company selling the place, then tell them that we’re interested?” I asked. “And do you know how to negotiate to lower the prices?”

“I can certainly manage,” Myalis said. “Though I have to say, that securing a place to live, while wonderful, doesn’t help in securing the location where you’re living.”

It took a moment for me to untangle that one. Myalis was right though, having a place to live didn’t mean we were in any way safe. “Right, we need security stuff,” I said. “We need security stuff that we can eventually move over to somewhere else.”

Lucy clapped her hands, which was a good sign she’d come up with an awful idea I’d eventually agree to because she was Lucy. “Giant killer robot cats,” she said.

I flopped back down to the bed, and covered my head with an arm.

“Aww, come on!” Lucy said. “Hear me out!” She came over and bounced onto the bed, then, because the huge expanse of mattress wasn’t big enough, she ended up on top of me, straddling me with her face over mine. It wasn’t a sexy straddle though, it was the ‘Lucy wants something silly’ straddle. “Giant cats, but they’re mecha, with like... laser guns inside them. And they can walk around and murderize things.”

“There are a few options that would fit those rather loose criteria,” Myalis, the traitor, said.

“Seriously?” I asked. “It sounds ridiculous.”

“It’s entirely on-brand. You need to think of the branding! Also, the kittens wouldn’t be afraid of them, and we could move them over to wherever we go to live later.”

“Hmm,” I said. “It wouldn’t cover everything though.”

“Buy different kinds. Like, Gomorrah said we’d need some sort of electronic warfare sort of thing, right? Buy a cat like that. Oh, and one that’s all shields and stuff, and one that’s got, like, a cannon.”

“This is sounding expensive,” I said.

“Approximately four hundred points so far,” Myalis said.

I reached up and pulled Lucy down onto me. “You’re lucky I’m such a softy,” I said.

“You really are,” she said.

“Okay, let’s take this a little more seriously,” I said. Mostly because the sooner we finished, the sooner I could ravish the girl pressing herself up against me. “Let's say we spend five hundred points or so on home defence. Mobile stuff, like your giant cat drones. That’s... a fair amount of points, but not too many. I think... yeah, we should diversify things a little. Maybe a couple of more mobile drones, and a few specialized ones?”

I heard the dumbass Myalis was controlling move closer to the bed. “One electronic countermeasures drone. One heavy weapons platform, and three simpler weapons platforms?”

“Maybe replace one of the simpler ones with a drone that can use non-lethals?” I asked. “As a sort of first resort.”

“Non-lethal for someone trying to mess with the house, or the kittens?” Lucy asked.

“Mostly because I don’t want the kittens to get caught in the splash damage,” I said. “Or for them to see someone’s head blow up.” Though I watched the same shows as them, it wasn’t too shocking to see that kind of thing, even in real life.

“I see. I have picked out what I hope are the best options for what you’re looking for,” Myalis said. “Do you want me to project an image of what they would look like?”

“Ohh!” Lucy said as she rolled off me.

Myalis was such a fucking clam-jammer. I sat up just as five fuzzy holograms materialized, then sharpened into more precise images.

The drones looked like cats. Giant mechanical cats, without any fur and made of metallic plates in a dull black that I suspected the holograms couldn’t do justice.

“Those look like they’re pretty big,” Lucy said.

“Approximately the size of a Bengal tiger,” Myalis said.

The five looked pretty similar, though one had a broader back, and another had a lot more fins along its sides and where its ribs would have been were it an organic creature. The heavy weapons platform and the electronic warfare one, if I had to guess.

“These are Se-Cat-Urity Drones, Mar--”

“Wait wait,” I cut her off. “Se-Cat-Urity drones? Were you even trying with that name?” Lucy giggled, which didn’t help any.

“Very well then, I’ll send a ticket to have them renamed... Sent. Acknowledge. Accepted. The drones have officially been renamed. They are now classified as Personal Use, Security Systems, Model Y.”

Lucy’s giggle turned into a full-blown laugh, and I started to look for something to throw at Myalis.

***