Seven carriages loaded with cannons continuously fired into the collapsed ruble over-killing the building. The nearby automatic guns went through hundreds of rounds of ammunition. The Elf hideout underground in Leprechaun town was no longer hidden. The neighborhood was smoked by one devastating punch of lead after another hitting marks. Many of the formerly identical block houses could be easily told apart by the level of being leveled.

The Empire's soldiers quickly reloaded stuffing in powder, paper, and cannonballs like well oiled machines. More waited just on the sidelines primed to spark another spark. A leprechaun who lost everything popped out of his flattened house with a shotgun.

"Bang!"

A cannon's crew of four was no more as the return fire eliminated the threat.

Very soon a fresh convoy of carriages rushed through the rubble littering the street. The reinforcements had just enough space to scrape paint inching past fallen light-posts. The horses in the rear of the approach were whipped straining to pull a heavily armored battle wagon set up with a magma-gun on top parking wedged in bumper to bumper.

The new car entered onto their place on the street corner and began a fire while others shot rifles at the odd leprechaun survivor. The man inside his iron turret wound a lever turning the gun 12 rotating barrels shooting out flaming magma crystals. The liquid magma melted cobble seeping directly into the bricks of the wreckage melting more holes into the sewer. The cannons fired another round of shots smoking everything unlucky enough to be in their path.

The street turned war-zone fell quiet. Soon interrupted by squeaking wheels whipping away in order to let additional troop transports enter Dogs began to bark, and things began to mechanically howl inside kennel transports. A chopper hovered in the sky with a spotlight exposed the wreckage. Lines of rope dangled from a drop-ship with elite shock Knights dropping in.

Ratom awoke from his slumber on the pile of gold. He lay sprawled out in the corner of an empty cold vault. He had fallen and smacked his noggin into the target while digging for it. Knocking him out mid heist.. And how long ago? He cradled his hurting temple and wondered if Mickey was still sleeping in the shed above their tunnel blissfully unaware. A rope was going to need to be dangled from above, and each brick tied lifted one by one. He rested his chin on his fist thinking if Mickey would have the best judgement on picking the best bucket they could tie and lift the gold to the ceiling.

“Creak!”

The vault door let out a loud moan being forced open.

“Lets get it out of here quickly can't open that door any faster” shrieked the elf outside.

“It’s on hinges,” said a henchman standing at the ready.

“The executive has already flown the coop, and it's bad business for me to be seen here either. I have to go, but remember you pawns do not cross us when it makes no logical sense to do so for you or your families” said the elf in the suit and tie leaving.

The Executive Elf broke into a brisk speed-walking escape. On getting to the first roadblock they removed another key of crystal from the chain around the neck and inserted it into a door hidden in the backroom of the underground bar. They walked into an empty room with a vault door, and another for sewer access. They took out a pair of X-ray shades and quickly confirmed they had managed to save all the crystals just in time with a teleport. The Farcs type stored in the second sealed vault for trading purposes of course had the safety of being set up a remote teleport to safe-haven location button.

Five gold bricks stored in their pockets with the sixth one left as a stop for the backdoor. The Executive entered the escape path dug connecting to the sewers uncharacteristically leaving the door open on the way out for subordinate Elf as a favor. It paid to be paranoid about choosing carefully which wrongdoing was financially worth doing to another Elf. As far as the smell goes, Elves have no noses, and thus one could hide in stinky areas for quite a while if it was a life or death situation. As long as the grime was washed off before the others could spot them and ruin the suit far more than any sewage slime could stain.

Back in the gold vault there had been no magic button to transport the goods. So the lower ranked Elf supervised watching as an empty cart was filled with bricks by underlings. The gold transferring from the pallets was stacked high.

A leprechaun intruder remained hidden in the opposite corner of the vault among the many stacks. He focused on hastily shoving brick after brick into his sack of fabric. He would have to escape somehow soon as the men left. He tried picking up the bag, but it was far too heavy. He ended up taking all but two out.

Ratom's eyes poked out from behind a stack of yellow. His body froze in panic when a man briefly glanced in his direction. The men worked hastily re-stacking bricks with precision of much practice. The Elf impatiently tapped their silk slipper checking an alien looking device strapped to their wrist.

He needed to run soon, and surely they were too distracted. The entire vault shook chunks of soil from the squares above where it lay exposed. A torch next to the door fell out of its metal holder and rolled over.

“We are running out of time” said a man, hauling brick after brick over his head with his arms.

The henchmen began rolling the cart to the next section of brick stacked high. The underground area rumbled again sending individual bricks tumbling out from the stacks. As dirt from a collapse poured in, Ratom's body was moving forward. In the chaos of the moment his instincts had no other options. The leprechaun's feet moved along the path toward the exit on the opposite side of the soldiers. Underneath him could feel the bricks beginning to move under his weight.

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The room rumbled a final time with the last shot of the cannons. The wall the henchmen hastily picked from began to crumble apart before it quickly collapsed. The hits of bricks overpowered them before anyone had time to run. Ratom stood frozen while the stacks continued to be alive with downward momentum. He jumped to the next pallet as the one he had just stood on fell forward smacking atop a growing pile in the center. He jumped in the center and ran out the door. Everything but a pinky was stuck out.

In the other room it was empty, but fighting could be heard emanating from the top of the stairwell. He ran to the backroom panicking, before finally noticing the secret exit propped open. Boy did it stink down here. He shoved the third bar of gold in the sack and struggled to slowly carry the load forward, until he started dragging. Micky was a pro at escaping. Ratom wasn't worried at all about his brother. No way anyone could stay sleeping in that shed with all the cannons going. He had escaped to somewhere safe long ago for certain.

Mickey was still far above in the garden shed sleeping. The gnomes had started ringing their bells late last night and he had engineered a pair of earmuffs to get himself some shut eyes. The city guard patrolled throughout the garden looking for anyone escaping with their lanterns, while others were led by dogs. Smoke, and dust from the building demolition drifted across blanketing the entire neighborhood. Burning industrial smog drifted in joining the sulfur smells.

Something in the shed tickled his nose. Mickey coughed. Directly outside prince Edward stepped onto the blackened lawn from his royal carriage and horses that matched in color. A soldier stepped back from the approaching hook, and then so did another.

“Any crystals?” he barked looking around for somebody who had been in charge.

“No sire, just gold,” said a soldier.

“Any Elf?” he said.

“No, but plenty of criminals were captured including several leprechauns of course” said the soldier, finishing off his report with the blue salute.

“Very well, say hello to your new commanding knight..where is he?” said Edward.

“Yes sire” said Dick Richard, running out of the car.

"I want them all tortured and find out if any of them know anything crystal connected" ordered Edward.

They walked across the torn lawn to where a line of prisoners was being loaded onto a steel barred carriage.

“Destination the dungeon for you lot” laughed the soldier

Another picked up Mickey and tossed him inside like a bag of flour. Prince Edward coughed as he walked beside them. Next he headed down the charred basement stairs leading to the underground schlock bar. At the bottom soldiers carried out tons of gold. A few bars of the precious metal deformed from melting crystals.

“Lotta gold and schlock we seized off this tip, biggest night of our year” bragged the chief of Capital City patrol.

“Gold is worthless leprechaun eye porn, it does nothing practical but be rare” said Edward frowning.

All the men were silent, nobody felt like arguing with the hook today. Edward bent slurping away under the spilling fountain. The statue spout lay cracked in half, and toppled over into the dirty pool of schlock. He sighed before leaving. No teleportation crystals or Elves anywhere to be seen at this scene. His time had been royally wasted.

"I am king so things will change. The positions of power underneath me will be held by ability, and loyalty which are the most important abilities found in servants. Blood relations are simply a social construct invented by the crown, and outdated entirely" noted Edward in his dairy.

He locked the latch on the book composed of human leather, and locked it away with his other secrets in his safe. He walked to the table to grab his brother, and then dropped his severed head from top of the castle wall.

"Splash" it said landing in the moat.

An alligator swam and swam, before diving underneath the murky waters. It got closer to the floating head. Prince Edward dug his yellow crystal teeth into an arm recently severed by hook, and washed by hand. He stood in the window of his tower watching the other animal eat in the water.

Edward imagined he was very self aware. He could tell that day by day he was getting closer to the crystals, feeding his warrior spirit with only crystal, and other spirits were producing great changes in the body, mind, and soul. The legend was true, and he would be it. Edward walked back to the table, setting his brother's half eaten arm down. From around the kingdom the biggest harem ever assembled would gather to alternate between parties, orgies, pickle-ball, pony racing, and many more excursions for 100 days. It had already been set up by Snaggy and the Bootlickers.

"Now with this diversion the search for the ever elusive means of teleportation. My ever longing lust for crystal, wormholes, and rock n roll will end when I do ha ha ha,” he was mono-logging to his hook again while whittling wood chips away from logs.

Edward went to the cabinet and took out his dwarf pipe, and skull container with a dome cut. It was where he stored his finest ground special cracked crystals. The lid was smooth, and a struggle. The one problem with a hook for a hand was that it made everything human even more difficult for a man that had long struggled in that department.

“And the location my mother cowers away from the world alone goes on with absolutely no progress” he complained to himself.

"Knock, knock knock"

"Drat who is it now?" Said Edward, slicing a painting of a fruit bowl, and draping it over the human decor on the table.

The thick door swung open, on the other side a small elderly woman. Her hair gray and balding in an area, blue veins popping into high visibility all over her leathery thin paper arms, and she hobbled bent on a cane.

"I was called to do a personality test famous all over the planet, an analysis of ones closest of the twelve crystal types' ' she whispered in a frail voice.

"Oh goody I've been waiting weeks for you to come out here. Now how's your eyes anyway need any help getting to the sofa" said Edward clapping excitedly.

"Terrible" she said sniffing deeply in and wheezing out after crossing the threshold.

"Somebody's been cooking, but it smells like the chef doesn't know the traditional dish" she said, frowning

She started for the table feeling her way by bouncing the can back and forth in front of her.

"I can assure you I have the best chefs straight from their homeland on my payroll," said the Prince.

The pair cackled together in harmony.

"Honey I've withered over this land longer than your empire, with those years of experience you learn how to cook" cackled the witch, sitting down as her arms began to search the tabletop. “You see the Crazins are a different species. They don’t have the same taste buds we do but man oh man can they cook our own a lot better than we can'' she finished.