"This is a fucked up world and situation, but half a year ago, I would have never in a million years believed that I would crave and need the attention of someone like you. Fall in love with someone like you. Talk about being shallow! I would only see all the things I wouldn't want in a man, and completely miss that you're a good intelligent kind and caring man with strong opinions about right and wrong. Good morals and principles you stick with, and with plenty of compassion and empathy. You are gentle and funny, but also brave. It's not bad that your a decade older, or a some what introvert nerd who dislike parties and social life. You still enjoy company. It's not bad that you don't drink alcohol, wine, beer or even coffee. Or smoked. It proves strong opinions and standing up to social pressure, and it's far better than getting tipsy or drunk all the time. It's not bad that you like being alone and at home, and avoid social media accounts like the plague due to beliefs and principles, and with almost no interest for sport. It's better than the opposite. You haven't had a TV for one and a half decade, yet you still don't mind paying the TV license with taxes because a democracy should have free unaffiliated public media - you just don't like that they use the money for entertainment programs too. You don't care about fashion or your own looks, and never had a gym session before you built a gym for me, and you also became my training buddy, because you cared. You loath physical training.

I know there are plenty of sexy male elves, but now when I look at Hrappr or Hagan or someone, I just see all the things they're not compared to you. Much is just attraction to a sexy body and men showing it of to attract women, and I've realised that's not important any more. I have become devoted to you and I really dread not living with you, not being your friend and partner - which is true - but I just realised is my typical arsehole way of getting you to let me stay, and now I loath myself for saying it.

But it is true.

Half a year ago in Midgård, I wouldn't have looked at you twice. I would have made fun of you if you tried to talk to me, even if you where just trying to be helpful or polite, which is probably the only reason you would talk to someone like me. Because I was a rich beautiful bitch, full of myself and just really caring about the outside illusion or the obvious - no matter what me and my friends said we wanted in a man. And you were you. But we would never even have meet, and it would have been my loss. If we got back to our old lives in Midgård tomorrow, I would still want to be yours and move to you in Sweden if you'd let me, because my old life there wouldn't really mean anything. No amount of luxury, partying or sex would change the fact that I would now see it was just empty illusions. I dread that I will be spending my life alone and looking on from a distance, but I deserve it for arseing it all up. It's weirdly liberating telling you this. Just think about all frustration and problems that could have been avoided if we talked like this 3 months ago. But then we would be other people. Well, I would be. I would still be that epic stupid bitch, so it was probably just a matter of time before I cocked up, but I've learned and downgraded to legendary moron. Still enough me to do a huge horrible cock up without realising I almost had what I desperately wanted."

Jane has crawled up against me and rest her head on my shoulder, while I've put my feet on the table. It is quite nice just sitting here and talk about things that usually are so damn difficult, but right now we're almost too openly honest with each other. It actually feels pretty good, and I don't like losing my friend. I will miss her, and I give Jane another one-armed hug.

"Yeah, we're both stupid and morons in our own way, and we probably both have some mental health issues. I shouldn't have pushed you, and you effect me enough that Caecilia eagerly checks my groin after you been close, hoping I will take her to bed. She's not the only one. That stupid awkward bet of yours really didn't help..."

Jane makes a resigned snort, and nods. "Yeah, I'm still a legendary moron." I notice that she glance down at my crotch, which has no reaction, and she makes another sigh. Change thoughts. Huh. I start to think, and count the days from the wedding.

"Jane, I just realised something. You know what day today is?"

Jane shakes her head.

"I'm pretty sure it's December 31. Tonight is New Years Eve."

Jane looks up with a surprised face.

"Seriously? New Years Eve? Well, this is one hell of a sad party." I agree, but I've never been much for a huge New Year celebration. They can be fun, but not really my thing, especially if there is too much alcohol. Jane gets a growing smile and continue; "I guess you never really cared about celebrating New Year. I would be in panic mode about now, trying to get ready, dressed up to the nines and being frantic about making it the perfect evening. Making sure I was getting kissed at midnight under the fireworks, taking a few selfies to let everyone know - including me - that my life was perfect... You have probably spent a lot of New Years alone, made a nice meal and watched the firework from home, or drove somewhere private with a good view."

"Correct. It doesn't really bother me, but I get lonely and it would be nice to have female company; someone to cosy up to like us two now, in the dark just ... being. Eat something good, maybe watching a movie and just being comfortable enough in each others presence to cosy up without any pressure for sex before seeing the fireworks, kind of like us now, which to be honest, is nice. I like just sitting here with you talking, and if it had been for any other reason, this would be really nice. It's slightly ironic, but intimacy for me doesn't require sex all the time; just a close personal connection I just can't have with a male friend."

"That sounds nice... Actually really nice. And honestly way more romantic, intimate and better than many of my New Years. They seldom lived up to my big expectations anyway, even though they where 'nice and fun'. I've been hyping things all my whole life. Everything really suck, but this is nice."

Jane adjusts her body a little to cuddle up a bit more comfortably against me. The silence is awkward while my thoughts grind, because it would be nice to be able to sit like this with her without all the baggage, pressure and what happened hanging over us. I will miss this. Once again, it's Jane who breaks the silence:

"It's weird being your friend and living here, but except the obvious, I guess I never had a boyfriend or male friend even close to you in creativity, personality and life philosophy. It's says a lot about you, that you go on a rant about giving flowers on an anniversary or Valentine and really don't like it. Not because you can't, but because you think it's a dishonest show of affection. A meaningless dishonest show just using money, that can be set with an alarm and ordered online - especially if it's deliberately presented in front of friends or co-workers. You might give them gifts any other day when it's least expected and just an ordinary day, but you won't make a show of it, if it can be avoided. So it stays honest. And not flowers, because you think they're a bad gift unless someone is making a garden, and pretty much just an indoctrinated wish by our western culture and influenced by companies. Which I now sort of agree with. You much rather give a good experience and a memory that last, or a gift they mentioned they want and forgotten about, or something that solves a problem they have. You loath gift cards or cash for similar reasons, but will give them if it's asked for. A relationship with you won't be what our culture have been thought to believe is romantic - what I thought was romantic - but it will be romantic if she free her mind about what being romantic can really mean. You're a born romantic - but your morals, principles and beliefs usually comes in the way.

If it wasn't for your pathological need to explain certain things, combined with trying to being honest, I would never have known about one of the few times you really have given flowers by choice. You didn't want me to know, but you disliked lying to me more. I love that you travelled around on the evening before the last day in primary school and gave every girl in you class a single red rose - in person. That must have taken a hell of a lot of courage and determination. And you did it because it 'felt right' and they should have a rose from 'someone', and waiting to the last year and last evening, was the only way you could do it without it being seen as trying to charm a girlfriend or asking for a prom date - which you of course hadn't gone to. You knew you would probably never see them again, and it was only one short day left with minimal bullying to endure from the boys and boyfriends, and before some of them left on trips. That is so very much you. I wonder how many of your old friends even knows that, because you sure as hell don't like talking about it, because you don't want the credit. There can't have be many teenagers in the world that's actually done something like that, with such a pure motive. And a bullied nerd? If it was today it might go viral, and you would have hated getting attention for that. You would probably still have done it, but in secret and never told anyone. Swedish age of consent for two young people had pasted, and I feel slightly ashamed for womankind that you stayed a virgin several more years until someone wise'd up, but at least I'm not the only moron. I guess it proves that women can be just as clueless as men, and fifteen year old me sure as hell wouldn't have truly understood and appreciated it.

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You surprised me so often, and gave me precious gifts you knew I would love that no-one else here could have given me. But you didn't do it to woo me or get in my good graces - you just saw a problem you could fix, and you cared enough about me, to give me my own wonderful charging station in my room, and my camera obscura setup. Or the bluetooth speaker upgrade you didn't need for your mobiles or tablet, but I did, and the insane web server I can't tell you how much I love. The day after when I was again lying in my bed looking through everything, I realised it was my 'radio moment' - but better. You built radios partially because you missed Iselin, but that server was mine! It had no purpose for you or anyone else, and instead forced you to have your tablet on a lot more so I could connect to it, knowing it will shorten the life of your tablet, and make it slower when you use it. You did that just for me! Me! I was bawling my eyes out."

Jane isn't looking at me but I can hear and see how happy she is about it, underlined by her giving me a hug. I probably didn't really understand how important it was to her, and sure, I did it for her, but I didn't see it the same way, and 'nerd got to nerd'. I literally told her that the next day. However, that explains a bit why she asked me to only start the tablet occasionally and otherwise use it when I have the tablet running for something else, but don't directly work on it.

"You managed to surprise me when I least expect it, and not just about technology. I know we played our game; it was fun and we exaggerated a lot, but bloody hell you got me good with 'Be my lover'. That was another proof of how dangerous you can be when you try. You just didn't turn that around on me, it completely blinded me. The faces you made, your eyes, your damn smile and the lyrics. I got horny as hell in no time flat! If you had asked me to bend over the bench and submit - I would have! If you had made any move at all, even just signalled me closer with a finger... I would have ripped the clothes of your body and shagged you silly! I had to bring Caecilia to my room - just to be even close to coherent - and after she left I still couldn't get your eyes and that damn smile out off my head and got so very horny. Bollocks!! I can feel it again just remembering it!" Jane surprise me by throwing her leg across my lap, and sitting across my lap, holding my head with her hands and fixating me with her eyes! "To continue being honest, after that I was probably yours for the taking whenever you wanted, I just wasn't willing to admit it to you - or myself." I feel like a gold fish, my mouth open and no words come out. Jane's words have 'blinded me', and I just look into her eyes. "Robert. I don't care what we call it, or if a penance is even possible - as long as we can continue being whatever we have been, and as long as I can spend more time with you like this. And we can screw each others brains out! I want to cuddle up with you for the rest of my life, but I know that it will only be occasionally because of the others. I accept that reality. But now I need you to fuck me like your life depend on it! Bloody hell do I need it! I'm getting more horny as I speak! This is terrible timing, but I think we both need to at least once."

I realise she is right. I don't really care that she hurt me and don't need to punish her just because. It would have hurt me more. I need her. I need Jane and I want her with me, no matter it involves sex or not. I grab the back of her head and push her lips against mine. Her kiss is passionate and hungry. This means something to me. Jane means something to me, something deeper than she ever did before. In our shared misery and consequences when we talked, we seem to have found each other deeper than we ever and at the same time, become freer.

My gaze leaves the ceiling and I look at the clock. A bit after 1900. Dark outside since hours ago. Jane is lying on the bed next to me, and I am just ... exhausted in my whole body. Damn! That was intense on another scale, and god damn; we both have 'fuck me like your life depends on it'.

"Holy FUCK Robert! Pun deserved! Thank the Gods I though they just had low expectations. I thought I was going to die from that orgasm train. And it might have been worth it, except stopping me from experience that again! Then we kept going! I knew you were creative, like to pleasure a woman and have been getting lots of practise ... but... Blinding."

I can't help but feel a little proud of that, but she too deserves credit.

"Don't sell yourself short! This was epic, and most likely top five!"

Jane's lovely giggling laughter is heavenly music to my ears; "Robert, never stop being this specific, honest and silly you. Most men would probably have stated it was the best ever and praised me and us with empty platitudes, and giving me compliments for looking divine and so on. Just to boost ego's and try to make sure we could have sex again. You? You just made a comment it was epic, and most likely top five, and I like that praise more than anything. It's so honest and I believe you stated a fact! Your top five must really be something if something like this is needed to reach it! Frankly, I feel a bit proud over that grade considering you've had plenty of threesomes and so on. And now I really want to experience a sure top five! I can feel myself getting horny just thinking about it. Again! Bloody!! Hell!!"

"As much as I would love to continue, I know my limits and I need food and water. We both need it. A shower would be nice too. And new sheets."

"You should probably get the sofa cushions washed too. The room is a bit of a mess."

"Worth it! I don't have your stamina, but I really want to get it. Christ, I would really like to continue! But I can't, and we need to talk about our future. This afternoon meant more to me than a lot has the last few days, and I would much rather have just another hour like this with you than another meaningless orgy night. Hell, just cuddling with you is so much nicer and time better spent. You're awesome Jane, and not just here in bed. It might be to early to decide anything since we're both drugged up on endorphins right now, but I this is nice. The stag night you instigated made me a changed man, but our talk and this sex have made me realise you changed me again, but this time for the better. So 'thank you' for that. Myth; Sexual therapy - Confirmed."

Jane laughs, rolls next to me and we hold each other and give each other kisses as I caress her head and hair. I really feel a lot more for her than ever, and I really just want to stay here with her. Jane's beautiful dark eyes twinkle as she looks into mine. I'm so very glad she talk more than me, because I was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

"This! This right here! I want it to continue. I really want this to continue, Robert. Even if it's just once or twice a month - I need this! Talk about delayed gratification!"

"Just having you beside me... Yeah. I want it in the future too, and not just once or twice a month. I need and care about you too Jane. I choose you too." Jane face looks so happy, and she buries her face against my body and makes a lovely muffled little squeee, and we hug more. We just lay and feel the others body and gentile touch, but my stomach and bladder are bastards. Crap. Jane giggles as she once again hear my stomach growl. "But I need eat, drink and have a shower."

Jane look as me with an incredibly sexy smile that becomes playful and dirty as she reply;

"You can eat me again anytime, and I could give you a golden shower to solve the other two?"

Her creative dirty humour makes me giggle, and I kiss her a few more times before we get out of bed and get dressed. Damn, I really wanted to pull her down on the bed and keep going, but I settle for pushing her up against the wall and enjoying her wonderful eager lips. Food and drinks can wait a few more minutes.

Or however long we need.