In the past six short years of elementary school, perhaps including three years of kindergarten, everything that happened was just a process that pushed one's life into the abyss and led to death.

Seeing that the victim's eyes were getting darker and darker day by day, and she was talking less and less each day, and in the end she became completely indifferent to the bullying.

But that's the point.

Once some group or person works tirelessly and spends several years to open up her iron-like, rigid and rebellious heart, then it's terrible, and all the traumatic shadows left after bullying will burst out at once.

Words related to fear of peers, fear of school, fear of everything, and education. Even though she knew that this series of pain was all part of the healing process, just like terminal illness, patients with strong energy -

- Usually seeking death.

This didn't work because she was a true Christian. Suicide went against her beliefs. She wouldn't die no matter what, which might be called cowardice. But this cowardice was so powerful that she could save her life.

She stood on tall buildings, on the side of the road, next to gas barrels, and next to charcoal many times, staring at her hands and feet, and finally stretched them out.

But she was always called back by that gentle voice.

"I love you. I will never leave you, and never forsake you."

Then she often hides under the quilt or in the toilet, hugging her knees and crying silently.

At this stage, she was already in her first year of senior high school. In the past, before she opened her "heart", she could just laugh it off. She thought it was actually quite shameful to cry for herself. But things were different now. She couldn't control the despair and sadness that suddenly hit her brain like a tsunami. All she could do was feel as if a knife was being stabbed into her heart, and let her tears flow freely. In the end, she cried until she felt helpless, eyes were dry, heart palpitated,hands were shaking, and she didn't know when she fell asleep.

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In the sixth grade of elementary school, another "she" was officially "born". Her depression often broke out in her second year of junior high school. It got better once she was in her first year of senior high, but turned into seasonal depression plus severe anxiety and panic attacks about "school-related information."

Headaches, vomiting and diarrhea, a sense of confusion about time, regret, PTSD... they all came out together.

Sadly, regret？

In fact, she didn't know what she was regretting. She just missed the long vacation after graduating from junior high school, and the time before kindergarten, before she was three years old.

She knew that she could not and should no longer dwell on the past and cling to the past, but she just couldn't do it.

She also often wonders whether the words "can't do it" will always be just an excuse.

It's a pity that others can't see the complexity in her brain, with neurons intermingling and transmitting messages.

She knew something was broken there, like a bacterial or viral infection, like a cold - the involuntary urge to cough. She couldn't help but think about those things.

Then another day, God said, “I understand.”

These two simple words, to her, seemed like rain falling from the sky after three years of drought, reaching deep into the soul. Every cell and every feeling trembled intensely. She once again hugged the quilt and hid in tears, which also contained the meaning of endless remorse for her sins.

So she was regretting this, she thought.

Being tortured is not a sin, but she tortured herself is a sin.

She cannot forgive other people's sins. She cannot let go of everyone's sins.

She cannot let go herself.

She thought, God really knows how difficult this is for this group of people. He remembered every tear she shed, and she once asked, why did she have to experience these unforgettable things. But He didn't answer at that time, but looked at her sadly with a compassionate face, with countless love in his eyes.

The love was so hot that it melted her until nothing was left, and she felt that His love was so strange and extremely heavy.

Miraculously, she was deeply healed by such an expression, even if it was just for a short moment.

Just let it out. Just let it go. Just open the inside darkness, letting devil encounter the sun.

Everything is going to be fine.

Now she is truly God's soldier, and she also believes this.

This is dedicated to the survivors of school bullying. Thank you for your hard work. I love you and hope this novel can be a comfort to you.

In the midst of panic, there is still driftwood for you to hold on to. Remember this, Jesus loves you very much, and hopes that you can know Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and be saved and redeemed.

Don't forget, we are always waiting for you. If you need it, we are willing to go back and accompany you, step by step out of the abyss.

He - Jesus, is our strength to restart.

-- TSoAG

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