PHASE 42 - THE CHAOTIC AUDITION CONTINUES

It’s what the title says. This is the continuation of our seemingly-pointless auditions on “Who wants to be the next Aether Crusade?” The more I stay in this seat, the more I think we’re in a comedy show.

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Next applicant. It was a tall man with a thin figure. He introduced his name, age, occupation, blood type, favorite kind of fish, and any other things that we don’t give a shit about. We three hate wasting our time so I immediately jumped on the most important question.

“What’s your Guardian Ability?”

“Anyone I touch will get poisoned.” The applicant said.

“Wow! That’s quite a unique Guardian Ability!” Helena commented.

“Interesting. We will need you a lot in our future operations.” Jeanne said with a smile on her face. Her optimism suddenly changed to confusion as the applicant continued to explain his power.

“But I need to do a frontflip to activate and deactivate it.”

“So?” Jeanne crossed her arms.

“I can’t do a frontflip.” The applicant said.

“If you can’t do a frontflip, then you can’t use your power! You’re just trolling us! We’re wasting our time here!” I exclaimed.

“N-No, I can use my power, but…” The applicant nervously scratched his head. “I just can’t activate it, like… Let me just demonstrate to you.”

The applicant got up from his seat and made a few steps backward. He arched his elbows and knees ready for a life-risking jump, and when he finally made his flip.

Thud! Unfortunately, this guy is terrible at flipping. The moment he made a 360 turn, his left heel landed in the wrong manner, and I heard a bone snap. The applicant helplessly fell on the ground and then his head was smacked to the floor!

“Agack!”

“Eeeeeeeek!” The girls shrieked upon witnessing such an accident.

“Whoaaa!” I was impressed. This applicant really has this poison body ability as his whole body is now engulfed with a malefic purple aura. Even his skin is now colored violet.

“Aaaah! Help! I have a fracture! Somebody call 911!” The applicant cried in pain.

“A-Are you okay, Mister…” Tiara immediately came to the rescue and activated her . But in the nick of time, I immediately stopped my girlfriend from harming herself.

“Tiara, don’t!” I cried. “His Guardian Ability is active, which means everybody who touches him will be poisoned!”

“Eh!?” Tiara shrieked. “B-But Rikkun… How are we going to treat his injury!?”

Honestly, I don’t know. Nobody here in this room can’t risk it. The only way I can think of to tend to his injury is to have his Guardian Ability deactivated first… Which means he has to make a frontflip again.

“Call the ambulance! Please!” The applicant cried in excruciating pain. “Aaaaargh! It hurts!”.

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Next applicant. This guy is a weirdo because he’s wearing a jumpsuit and has this bowl-cut hair. He looks like Bruce Lee except that he’s thin as a stick and he’s white as snow.

“What’s your Guardian Ability?” Jeanne asked.

“I can summon maggots with teeth and wings.”

In an instant, the word “disappointment” was marked on Jeanne’s face. She immediately reached out her hand and pointed at the far east of the interviewing room.

“What?” The applicant tilted his head, fully confused.

“The door,” Jeanne said.

“What about the door?” He asked.

“Use it. Use the door” Jeanne squinted her eyes. “Go!”

“Why?” The applicant cried.

“Get out. I’ll count to three.” Jeanne said with a smile of the devil. She started to materialize her revolver Weapon Gem, and I don’t need to say what she’s about to do. “One… two…”

Scared, the applicant hurriedly exited the room. After that, Jeanne mercilessly stamped the applicant’s application paper with a huge REJECTED mark.

...

“You know what, we won’t be able to hire anyone because of you,” I said to the meticulous blonde runt.

“I can’t help it. Their Guardian Abilities are gross.” Jeanne turned away like a sassy bitch.

Inside my mind, I knew I should have accepted that spider-guy and that maggot-guy. They seem to look powerful, and they also look like they will turn into a villain after this interview. Alas, I can’t reverse time.

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Next applicant. Wait, never mind. 

I don’t have any more paragraphs to waste. If I’m going to narrate all the interviews, we’ll be taking up a whole arc so I’ll just summarize it.

This interview, or more specifically, this whole day is a waste of time. We met different Gate Guardians with different drawbacks. Some applicants revealed their weird powers like one-inch-flight, reading his own mind, super-seduction that only works in squirrels, time-stopping ability with the drawback of having the caster freeze for twice the duration, super slow-mo, instant hair loss, and the power to be invisible when no one is looking.

The sun is already setting, and we haven’t hired anyone yet. I’m starting to think that I should’ve stayed in bed the whole day until…

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The next applicant was a tall man with a medium build. He has long wavy gray hair that reaches his shoulder, and he’s wearing a black suit with a fedora on his head. He looks like a young adult, maybe in his early twenties.

“Francois Jyoehan Schopfer.” The man said in a strong French accent. I’m pretty sure he just told us our name, but I’m not paying attention. Even the panel is not giving a crap on this interview. Jeanne can be seen almost half asleep because she’s bored, while Helena is just busy eating her cupcake and drinking her cafe latte.

While the applicant babble about himself, I called my secretary and asked for the list of the applicants. I wanted this day to be over, so I need to see how many applicants are left.

“Um, Rikkun…” Tiara forced a smile. “He’s the last applicant.”

Last applicant!? This is bad! We haven’t hired any Gate Guardian yet, and we’re definitely short-handed! This interview audition will end up a failure if we didn’t hire anybody!

I immediately grabbed the ACCEPTED stamp and marked it over the applicant’s resume. Helena, Jeanne, and even Tiara were surprised by my sudden action.

“Hey, hey! What are you doing!?” Jeanne finally livens up. In the background, Helena dropped the cupcake that was stuffed on her mouth.

“We’re short on people, okay? This is the last applicant!” I reasoned out.

“At least make it with a proper interview, you idiot!” Jeanne sermoned.

“Proper interview? Fine!” I slammed the stamp back to its place as I turned to the applicant. “Mister Schopfer, was it? Why did you want to apply to the Aether Crusade?”

“You said that you were hiring, that’s why I’m here.” The applicant answered.

“What is your greatest strength?” I continued to question.

“Anything.”

“What is your greatest weakness?”

“Nothing.”

“Where do you see yourself in five years?”

“I don’t know, I’m not a fortune teller.”

“Why should we hire you?”

“Because you need employees, duh.”

I immediately grabbed the stamp again and double affirmed his employment. 

“Bam! You’re hired! Welcome to the Aether Crusade!” I stood up and shook hands with our new member. The applicant also smiled and happily shook my hand back.

Honestly, I just wanted this farce to be over with. I want to get what we came for and go home. Now I can finally rest back in the apartment and have a video game marathon!

However, there is always one runt who is there to interrupt my dreams.

“Not so fast!” Jeanne broke my handshake with the fresh member. “We have to test his battle aptitude first before we can accept him in the Aether Crusade!”

What a killjoy.