I hate surprises.

Every year my parents always had a special birthday ritual for me. In that ritual, was a slough of surprises.

Hiding gifts in odd places to find them.

Surprise cake in the face, meaning instead of doing the cake in the face tradition during the party, they did it at three am when I of course was least expecting it.

And of course the surprise baby brother announcement on fifth birthday.

So basically throughout my life surprises have not been exactly my favorite.

And now with this surprise the same rule applies.

"Um," I stutter seeing Ben at my front door.

"Well," He smiles his charming smile. "Aren't you going to invite me in?" I think of a thousand ways as to why I shouldn't let him in, but as the idiot I am I somehow find myself stepping aside and letting him in anyways.

"Um what are you doing here, Ben?"

He sits on the couch making himself at home and I stay stood up afraid of what might happen if I sat down. "I wanted to talk. We haven't done that In a long time and well.... I can't stop thinking about you, Ash."

I sighed rubbing my forehead. Why does my life have to be so complicated?

"Ash who was at the doo-," Ryan stops in her tracks her words trailing off when she sees Ben on the couch. "Oh, uh, I'll just go back upstairs." She gives me a look saying, 'What the hell?!' and I look back shrugging.

"Sorry I didn't know you had company." Ben apologizes.

Yeah you would have known that if you had bothered to give me a call before randomly showing up at my house.

Be nice.

That's no fun.

"Look, Ben, I'm not against your visits, but is there a reason your here?"

Ben clears his throat his cheeks getting a little red and I couldn't help but notice how adorable that actually was.

"Ash I came to see you because I know things between us have not ended right. I've made a lot, and I mean a lot of mistakes, but I can't seem to get you off my mind. Your beautiful smile, your soft touches, and the way you laugh. It's a sound I can't get out of my head."

This is horrible. This is so completely and utterly awful that It actually hurts.

The fact that he is the wrong person saying all the right things makes me want to cry. I'm looking at him like the words are going through my soul and touching my heart.

But my heart is rejecting them. My heart wants another.

"Ben," I explain and he stands off my couch and places his hands gently on my arms just below my shoulders his thumb stroking my skin there and he looks into my eyes as he interrupts my words, "I know that this is a lot to take in. Especially because I know that, that Pain guy is still around,"

"Bain." I correct and he rolls his eyes smiling softly. "Whatever his name is. He doesn't deserve someone like you Ash."

"He doesn't?" Does he?

"No." He shakes his head softly. "Someone like you? Ashley you're a treasure. Something to be treasured. What he hasn't realized is that he had the best thing that ever happened to him and he was stupid enough to hurt you."

"How did you know?"

He smiles softly. "I have an older sister. I can recognize the signs. Comfy cuddly sad clothes, friends, and pizza. Definitely the remedy of a broken heart."

He moves his hands to my face and I look into his eyes. Their true... kind. Honest.

Ben wouldn't hurt me. He's safe and he cares a lot about me. I've kept him at arms length, pushing him away for someone that doesn't love me.

That will never love me.

Tears sting my eyes and I blink making them fall down my face. Ben sighs and wipes them away with his thumbs gently holding my face. "You're so beautiful. A queen like you shouldn't be spending her nights crying over a man that isn't worth it. You deserve to be worshiped." He takes one of my hands and puts them on his chest.

"Feel that?" he whispers and I nod softly. "My heart races when I'm around you. Ashley Airwood," He inches closer his lips only a centimeter away from mine, "Just give me a chance."

With that he closes his statement by closing the space between our lips and I raise my arms around his neck and he wraps his arms around my waist pressing me closer his heart beat strong against mine and I feel a tear fall down my face as I kiss him back.

Oh no.

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"Oh. My. God."

"I know." I mumble my face buried in a pillow.

"Oh... my god."

"I know." I groan into my pillow.

"Oh my-"

I sit up and yell, "I KNOW!"

"I can't believe this!" Ryan claims and Trip on the bean bag eating his pizza mumbles, "Mhm."

I lay back down dropping onto my pillow again and sigh.

"It's just. Damn." Ryan says and sits down on the edge of my bed.

"Why me?" I groan.

"You should start a T.V show. Seriously."

Ryan and I both glare at Trip.

"What? It'd be quality T.V! Like the Kardashians or whatever. Good stuff." He stuffs another slice of supreme pizza in his face and I sigh.

"What am I going to do?"

"I have no clue. Sad to say Best Friend can't come to the rescue on this one. Your like Bella from Twilight. Although except in this case Edward is a self centered ass hat and Jacob is a love sick puppy who in the past was an ass hat and is seeing out your forgiveness."

"Thank you Ryan, really because that statement made things so much clearer."

"Really?" She says cheerily smiling and Trip comments, "Uh I think she was being sarcastic."

"Aw really?" She said sadly with a pout and I nod my head.

Although I hate to admit it she was right, this was something that I had to handle on my own.

But how? Obviously I know the way I feel about Bain. My heart aches when I think about him, I feel so much, but I will never be as important as his precious reputation. Then Ben comes around and says and does everything that I've ever wanted. I know for a fact that he will care about me. He wouldn't hurt me. He's safe.

A certainty.

Bain white is nothing but a big fat complication.

We decide to spend the rest of the day eating pizza and binge watching movies. Trying to get my mind off of things for a while. Although it's hopeless. My mind is racing despite my attempts to quiet it down, it's no use. Ryan and Trip do their best to help, makes me feel like I'm so thankful to have such great friends in times like these. Dependable.

Around midnight trip and Ryan head out and I get a text from my parents that they had a last minute delay in their flights back from a business meeting in Toronto and that they were going to stay there a while anyways because of some other business they had to take care of. Not that I minded anyways having the house to myself for another week sounded like heaven.

Minus the little brother part of the equation of course.

Sammy comes downstairs and sits next to me on the couch. "Oh look I almost forgot you lived here. You've been on your room for so long."

Sammy rolled his eyes and grabbed the remote.

"When did Isabella leave?"

"A couple of hours ago. You were two busy moping about to notice we snuck out the back door and I took her home on my bike."

I snorted. "What you hauled her around like E.T?"

Sammy starts to get up and I grab his arm pulling him back to the couch not wanting to be alone "Alright, alright I'm sorry. Please don't go." 

He sighs. "What are you moping around for anyways?" 

I shrug and hug a pillow to my chest. "Bain pain." 

Sammy nods. "Suck it up." 

"What?" 

"Suck it up. You heard me. You got yourself into this. Since the moment you decided that you liked him and that you would act on those feelings you knew what kind of mess you were getting yourself into. Rather the relationship or whatever you guys had worked out or not, you have to accept the consequences. You don't blindly jump into the ocean without expecting sharks. You'd just be inviting yourself to get hurt even more." 

I stare at my little brother and wonder when did he grow up? When did he get to know more about love and dating than I did? 

"So," I turn to him trying not to think about how pathetic I am for going to my little brother for advice, but right now he's the only relationship guru I really know. "What do I do now?" 

"Well I can't be the one to tell you. You have to decide for yourself. Think about what you really want. Do you want to keep sitting around here wallowing in your own self pity missing him or do you want to keep living your life and move on?" 

I never thought that the words that I really needed to hear would come from Sammy. But they did. It was a rude awakening, but it was something. I realized that I couldn't depend on Bain to make me better. Or pizza, or movie marathons, or even Trip and Ryan. I had to be the one to be in charge of my destiny and how I would live out the rest of my senior year. 

Was I going to let it all be about sitting around feeling bad for myself or was I going to continue doing the things that made me happy and complete living my life? Ryan once told me, 

 "Ash I love you, your my best friend. But sometimes being the perfect good girl isn't whats good for you," she stands up and puts her purse on her shoulder, "Tonight you may have won that trophy, but your losing at life." She grabs her phone off the table, "Call me when your ready to win."

And now I think I'm ready. 

I'm ready to win.