March 8, 2000

Today would have been Tyler and my 3-month anniversary if we were still going out. I just realized that now while I was writing the date, though - it's not like I obsessed over it. Besides, this date is kind of like closure now. Our relationship is like, evenly over now... or something. Whatever, that makes no sense, it's just a feeling I have.

Anyway, Matt wrote me a note today. He was writing it during Spanish, and I could tell he was writing a note because of the way he hunched over it so the teacher couldn't see. After class, when we were walking out of the classroom, he put has arm around James and they hurried over to James's locker. Steven and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes.

I was talking to Melanie as I got my lunch out of my locker, and she was watching them. "They're looking over at you," she said, "and they're not being very discreet, either." I looked up and saw Matt press something into James's hand. Then a group of my friends gathered around me, included Erin, whom James is going out with. This encouraged James to come over and join our conversation. When I asked him about the note, he shrugged and looked stupid.

"Please, can I read it?" I whined. He told me, "It's to you. Don't let anyone see it." And he handed it to me. I didn't read it until I got to the office, where I had lunch detention for skipping study hall on Friday. I don't know what to make of it. Some people were saying he likes Emma, a complete ditz, so that is what that part is about:

Hey Emily,

What's up. Well I know there must be a lot of rumors going around and I want to clear some things up. First I do NOT like Emma. I never asked her out or anything else like that. I really like you a lot. James told me you said I was a "user." Whichever way you meant that, I don't do drugs or any of that shit. I drink on occasion but no more. If you meant I use people, well I don't. I might have in 6th or 7th grade but I don't do it anymore. I just want you to give me a chance. That's all. Write back because I want to know what your feelings on the whole thing are.

Love,

Matt

I wrote a note back explaining that I would maybe give him a chance, but I didn't want him sweet-talking me. He has a huge reputation for manipulating unsuspecting girls, and then breaking their hearts. So I figure, if I don't let him manipulate me, then I can't get hurt. I think he's a very interesting person and I want to have a relationship with him. But it's going to be hard to trust him. I want to, but after how much he hurt me over the past couple of years, it's going to be unbelievably hard. Then after school today I got this e-mail from him:

Hey Emily,

I want a mature relationship. I wanted one with Kaylee so when I didn't find it in her I started thinking who would be capable of one. [Not me.] My whole life I've gone out with people who want me for looks or popularity or for numerous other reasons. I started thinking about who was a pure enough person to like me for who I am, then I started thinking about you in Spanish. You are sooo REAL and not fake. You are who you are and if anyone has a problem with you and calls you a slut then that's their problem and that attitude is very appealing to me. Yes, I do think you are beautiful and "hot" but that isn't what I want to base a relationship on with you. I am starting to get very attached to you and I find myself waiting online for you to come on and I don't want to keep going with this unless I know that they type of relationship I am looking for is gonna be the one we have. OK write back.

Peace,

Matt

This e-mail is sweet, but extremely buttered up. He might mean what he says, but he does say it in a sweet-talker way. It made me happy to see that he thinks I am like that, even though I'm not at ALL. I'll see what happens.