I fell asleep fairly quickly during the car ride, the night of tossing and turning getting the better of me. Tess wakes me up halfway through the road trip for a bathroom break and to get some food in us. After that, I forced her to let me drive. We didn't talk about anything that happened when I went to talk to Eli, yet. It can wait until we're home.

Now, we are heaving our luggage up five flights of stairs because the elevator is broken and things couldn't possibly start to look up. We stumble through the front door, dropping our luggage on the ground, and fall straight onto our soft couch.

It's early afternoon but I am once again ready to sleep. I look over at my best friend she smiles at me.

"How are you doing, babes?"

I shrug and fumble with a loose threat on Eli's shirt. "I don't know. I honestly don't know, Tess."

"Awww, honeybuns! You are breaking my heart looking like a puppy who's just been kicked. You're a girl boss, get it together." Tess gently nudges my chin with her fist. "Honestly though, I think it was the right move to get some actual distance from the whole debacle. You're smart. And you're strong. You'll figure it out, eventually."

"Thank you, Tess. I really needed to hear that," I tell her, laying my head on her shoulder.

"No problem, babes. I'm always here for you, you know that. And I think this now proves, that no man will ever replace me! I am your protector and provider," she jokes in a low, growly voice and I can't help but laugh. "Aaand I'm funny, too. Technically, I'm unbeatable. I don't have any competition."

"Okay, Tess. Reign in the narcissism a tad bit," I say under a laugh. She just laughs along with me.

"Do you want to talk about it? Or him?" Tess asks, now more serious.

"I want to yes, but I'm not sure I already can. I really don't know what to make of the things he said before we left - and everything else that happened. I need to properly think about it before I can talk about it, I guess," I try to explain.

"I get that. How do you feel, though?" The concern is evident in her voice.

"Sad and confused and angry and disappointed and... hopeful." I sigh and it comes off slightly annoyed but I am more exhausted than anything else.

"Okay, that's good." Tess nods once, then loudly slaps her palms down on her thighs, making my head jerk up from her shoulder. "Wanna watch a movie?" she asks, changing the subject. I love that she knows when not to stop talking about stuff I am not ready to talk about

"Uuh, yeah sure. Why not?" 

"Great, love the enthusiasm! You choose, I'll make us some chips and dip." With that, she disappears behind the kitchen counter and I grab the remote to turn on the TV.

My phone screen nearly blinds me as I check the time. 3:18 am. Amazing. A stupid nightmare woke me up and I let out a frustrated huff. I'm still wearing Eli's shirt and I fucking miss him. I hate it. I hate that it consumes me so much.

I shouldn't be surprised - I love him. Of course, these feelings won't disappear just because I put some physical distance between me and him. I feel white-hot anger rushing through my system as I think about the way he cut me off before I could tell him how I feel. How dare he? Who does he think he is that he can regulate me communicating my feelings? Stupid idiot. 

A frustrated groan leaves my mouth and I lift my head to turn my pillow over. I sigh in contentment when my face hits the cool fabric. 

"What did he actually mean by the things he said after he caught up with Tess's car? That he will get his shit together and then come to me? Why in the hell didn't he just agree to a long-distance relationship in the first place? The more I think about this, the angrier I get. Is the baby even his? But how would one know that? I don't know shit when it comes to babies or pregnancies. Can you do a paternity test before the baby is even born? If so, he probably did one. He's not stupid. Right?

Uggghhh. I roll onto my back and stare up at the blank ceiling. A few tears make their way down my face. I will my thoughts to go literally anywhere else but they run straight back to Eli and his stupidly handsome face and strong body and the way he smiles at me and holds me close and kisses me and... and I need to stop. Get a fucking grip, Romy!

I will talk to Tess in the morning, she'll know what to say, or do, or think. She always does. I know, I should probably work through this by myself but I went through a lot of emotional distress on my own and now that I have Tess, I am allowed to need her. We are allowed to need other people.

I snuggle deeper into my blanket and, just for tonight, allow myself to pretend that Eli is laying right behind me, holding me close against his warm body, keeping me safe.

"Okay, spill! What's going on in that pretty head of yours?"

Tess and I are spread out on a blanket in the park close to our apartment. I love this park because it's right next to the dog park. The sun is shining through the clouds, birds are chirping and a light breeze makes the summer heat bearable. I brought a book and Tess brought a lot of food. I planned to stay in bed all day after not getting much sleep and waking up only to immediately start bawling my eyes out but Tess made me take a shower and proceeded to lure me out here.

"Do you know if you can do a paternity test before the baby is born?" I ask her, squinting my eyes because the sun just jumped out from behind a large cloud.

"Uh, yeah. I think you can."

"You think Eli and Janet took a test?"

"He must've, right? He's not stupid," Tess snorts. "Well, he is, but you know..." she trails off.

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too."

"You never asked him?"

"No, I just thought that he is sure it's his baby because he said he will be there and take care of it." I shrug my shoulders.

"He said that?" Tess asks.

"Yes."

"You haven't told me much about what you two talked about? Wanna rectify that situation." She smirks at me with a smug look and I know she is just joking. She wouldn't force me to tell her these things if I didn't want to.

"I was going to tell him that I love him." My voice is so quiet that I'm not sure Tess heard me.

"Why didn't you?" She leans closer to me.

"He stopped me mid-sentence. Told me not to say it. He got so angry and then he started saying nasty things to push me away." I sniffle, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. "That I am naive and weak and that he is glad we didn't sleep with each other and that I should run along and leave him alone." I hiccup as tears start running more freely now, the memory of those words hitting me right where it hurts.

"He did WHAT?!?!" Tess yells at the top of her lungs and a few people close to us shoot us ugly looks. "I am going to rip his fucking tongue out for talking to you like that! What the fuck is wrong with him?! Huh? Did his parents drop him one too many times as a baby, or what? I am going to lose my shit. This canno-"

"Tess, please calm down. We are in public," I scold her and she opens her mouth right back up but I know what she's gonna say so I stop her again. "I know that you don't care but I do. Please, let's discuss this as privately as possible."

"Fine," she grumbles and looks over at the elderly couple that glares at us. She settles down next to me, even closer than before and takes my hand in hers. "I was rooting for you guys, you know? I really did because a little drama is normal."

"This is more than a little drama," I deadpan.

"Right. Anyway, I am not so sure anymore. Those things, he shouldn't have said them to you."

"I know. But I don't think he was doing it with malicious intent. I'm pretty sure he thought he was doing the right thing."

Tess sighs. "You're making excuses for him."

"I know. But still," I pout before gnawing on my lip.

"You still love him, I get it. I'm not saying that you won't be able to work it out, I was just saying that I am not as sure as I was before about rooting for the two of you. Together, I mean. Obviously, I am always going to root for you."

"Obviously," I grin at her and she kisses my cheek.

"You should give it more time. Let a few days pass at least. Maybe even a few weeks. And if I were you, I wouldn't reach out to him. Let him come to you. Then you'll know if what he said to you was the truth or total bullshit."

I'm not gonna lie, I thought about texting him more than once but Tess is right. I shouldn't.

"I won't text him."

"Do I need to take your phone away?"

"No, you don't. I got this."

"That's my girl. Thankfully, classes are gonna start next week so you won't have much time thinking about that fool, anyway."

I groan and Tess laughs, plopping a handful of green grapes into her mouth.

The rest of the week is a series of ups and downs. I wake up angry, confused and frustrated and Tess somehow always manages to think of something to lift my mood or to distract me. But I go to bed feeling sad and lonely, my thumb hovering over Eli's contact on my phone. I never actually call or text him, though. Tess made me promise myself that I wouldn't do it. So, I don't. 

Sunday evening, Tess and I are preparing for the first day of the new semester tomorrow. We compare schedules and talk about certain professors we have in our new classes and after a while, I even find it in me to cook us a nice dinner. I haven't actually cooked since we came back but I truly missed it and it felt good to start doing it again. 

As I'm setting the table, Tess comes bouncing into the kitchen, buzzing with energy, her phone clutched to her chest.

A shit-eating grin is plastered on her pretty face and she asks, "Guess who's coming to visit?"

I drop the plate in my hand on the table a little too early, creating a loud noise. Tess frowns at the plate for a second but is back to beaming in no time. My heart lodges itself into my throat and I force myself to ask, "Who?" The word not much louder than a whisper.

"Simon! God, I am sooo excited. That's okay for you, right? I promise we won't have sex too loud to make you uncomfy."

I clear my throat, my heart slinking back down my throat but missing its spot in my chest and going further, right into my stomach. It settles there, annoying and heavy.

"Yes, of course that's fine. I'm glad he comes to see you and you guys are going strong. Are you officially a couple now, by the way?"

"Yess, we are! I didn't want to bother you with my own love story while you were having a crisis in yours. He asked me on the boat the day after you left," she giddily says.

"Tess, you know I will always be happy for you."

"I know, I know. Let's eat, I am starving and this smells delicious. I'm glad you found your cooking mojo again because takeout doesn't hit the spot like your food does."

She sits down at the table and I follow suit. Her praise makes me smile and I feel a deep sense of gratefulness for having someone as supportive and loving as Tess in my life.

"Thank you," I tell her and squeeze her hand.

"No, babes. Thank you. Now, gimme da food!"