Chapter 20: His Infatuation

“The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.” – Blaise Pascal

Julian Hartwell

Pure white. It was the color of the snowflakes shuffling in the cool wind everywhere. The pretty tiny ice crystals held elegance in it that made it appealing to observe and such. I watched it continuing to fall down from the clouded sky before piling on the earth ground.

“It’s cold.” I muttered to myself.

I shifted my vision on the scene in front of me and the always crowded place of the town square was what I saw. The colorful bazaars were endowed with life as countless people stopped by to look at them now and then. Strangers in their winter clothing were herding all around me that I found it difficult to pinpoint whose faces I know and whose not.

Until somebody got a hold of my bicep, I looked over my shoulder and I came to see Lucas carrying an old linen bag in his hand with a material inside wherein I assumed was the stuff he bought.

“I’m sorry for making you wait.” he smiled after releasing his hand from my arm.

“No it’s nothing.” I replied while tugging up the collar of my frock overcoat to shelter my skin from the chilling wind.

Lucas seemed to notice my actions since he grabbed something from his bag then he pulled it out to reveal a thick knitted muffler in which he soon wrapped around my neck.

“I bought it for you.” he claimed.

“You shouldn’t have bothered to buy me one.” I protested to him not because I didn’t like it but rather it was because I can afford it on my own however he simply dismissed it with a smile.

“I know but I want to.” he explained with his breath coming out in mist.

“Thank you.” I surrendered my complaint before noticing the muffler he gave to me. It was a clean clothed with nothing for a design and was made of peach colored wool – such simplicity for a gift but I like it.

Today, we were here because it was said that the town square will have a firework show and my adopted father granted us the chance to see it since he probably thought it will be a good idea to cheer me up a bit. Well I understand him after all I was still far from being alright.

But then, it was still more than an hour early before the said firework show.

“I shouldn’t have left ahead of time.” I let out a bored sigh. It would simply mean that I have nothing to do for the whole hour but most likely just stand here and stared at random things.

“Do you want to build a snowman?” he asked out of the blue and I looked up to him only to meet his delighted facial features.

“A snowman?” I repeated dumbfounded.

“Right. It seems funner than spending the rest of our time standing here or looking over the merchandises in every shop. What do you think?” he reasoned out.

In any case, he was correct on that sense since it was better at least to have something to do in the meantime instead of doing nothing in the middle of the town square waiting for time to pass by slowly, and besides a tiny part of me kind of wanted to do that.

“Sure I’ll do it.” I smiled at him.

“Great! Let’s go to the park.” he took my gloved hand in his before leading me to the small public park across the road.

―

Lucas carried the third ball of snow before placing it on top of the other two and I went to grab a handful of snow to put in between the layers to stick them together. Powders of white snow were sticking into the gray knit of my mittens but I paid no care.

“It’s quite small don’t you think?” he referred to the snowman we’re making while searching for a branch on a small tree nearby.

“It looks fine to me.” I replied as I patched the body and head into perfect circles.

Truth to be told, I was quite enjoying doing this that I hardly even remember that I only agreed to do this for a pastime while the fireworks still hadn’t started.

I shifted my eyes on my surroundings and I could see different people doing different things in the park. There were families walking and making a snowman too, couples cuddling on benches and children playing a snowball fight.

The trees, bushes and the grass were mounted with dense snow however it was still pleasant scenery to look at.

“Brother?” someone called to me so I turned my head to the side and I was surprised to see my younger twin standing right in my line of vision.

“What are you doing here in the park?” he asked before glancing at the snowman beside me and the pair of snow-dusted gloves in my hands. He raised his eyebrow like he couldn’t think for a reason why I decided to build a snowman.

“Uh... I’m here to see the fireworks later.” I replied.

“I see. Is old man Sam with you?” he walked closer to me with a wicker basket of fruits dangling from his hand as he looked around, assuming that our adopted father was here with me.

“No he chose not to come.” I brushed my gloves clean from the snow dust that I had forgotten about the man whom I was building a snowman with until he appeared behind us.

“Are you done, Julian?” he asked while snapping a single long branch in half, oblivious to us since he had his head bent down.

“Who is he?” Julius immediately asked and that caught the other’s attention. Lucas didn’t look uncertain since anyone could easily see that my brother and I were close related to each other due to our almost identical outlook and appearances.

“He’s my friend.” I said and Lucas took it as a cue to approach us before offering his hand to him for a gentleman handshake in which my brother took in return.

“I’m Lucas Radford and I’m pleased to meet you.” he introduced himself.

“I’m his younger brother, Julius. So are you still making that snowman?” my twin cleared his throat at the end of his words cause he probably thought he had somehow disturbed us, or more likely to the other man, and that was one of the things I like about him – he didn’t judge anyone just from their looks.

Although I wonder what he’ll think when he meet my lover Dante in person.

“It’s almost done. Do you want to join us?” I offered in endeavor to make him realize that he was not a nuisance in the least, besides I think that this will be a good idea for Lucas to know more about me and that I starting to trust him bit by bit.

“Sure I don’t mind. It’s been awhile since we did this together.” he chuckled at the memory which made me smile too.

―

“I wish my wife is here to see this.” Julius commented after he placed down the shopping basket next to the snowman whilst on the other hand, Lucas was attaching the branches on each side.

“Is she sick?” I asked concerned.

“Nah... she is pregnant.” he responded and that made me dropped the pebble stones in my grasp before looking at him astounded. I didn’t expect to hear something so astonishing! So then that means that he’ll be a father soon.

“That’s... wonderful.” I murmured a bit melancholic. I wanted to be happy for my brother who was blessed with so much happiness instead of feeling jealous about it.

“It must be nice to be married to someone whom you are in love with.” I picked up the pebbles and stuck them in the snowman to decorate its face and body without sending a glance to my younger twin, afraid that he’ll see the ugliness in my eyes.

The ugly emotion called envy.

I know I shouldn’t be however I can’t blame myself either because his happiness was what I used to look forward to during my relationship with Dante. The hope that he’ll come to love me and that he’ll be the man I’ll be sharing my lifetime with.

Albeit, it ended as a foolish hope I had once believe in.

Then a gentle pat came on top of my head. “There is always a second chance in everything. It might not be in the same person but maybe, you’ll see that in someone else. Just don’t rob yourself of that chance because you deserve so much of it.” my twin imparted.

This was also one of the things I love about him. He always understands my feelings even though I don’t express it openly and he was considerate for always reassuring me with words my heart seek the most.

“Want an apple?” Julius fumbled inside his basket and snatched an apple from it which he handed to me instantly.

Suddenly, it reminded me of the time I painted this sweet little fruit with Dante. The blissful moment he held me from behind, the pleasant touch of his hand guiding mine and the ecstatic sensation of his beating chest against my back – all of it was nothing but a dream that I’ll never face again in reality.

Though before I see it, a hand took it from me all of a sudden and that same hand sliced the apple into two with a small pocket knife.

“It’s better to eat it sliced. Good thing that Samuel asked me to buy him this knife.” Lucas serenely handed me the sliced apple with a faint smile in him.

“Thank you.” likewise I appreciated his thoughtfulness despite me not asking him for anything. With no reluctance, I reached to give him the other half of the apple.

“Here. I thought I can share it with you.” I claimed with a slight blush in my cheeks.

He stared at me wide eyes like he heard something unanticipated. Of course, who wouldn’t be especially when I am still trying to open up to him and let alone trust him, and sure enough he understood the meaning behind my action even though it was just a fruit.

I guess this fruit was the starting point of our close relationship.

“Thanks a lot, Julian.” he smiled like a Cheshire cat, and it made me surprise to know that I was affecting him so much. Was I really that special to him?

Then a grip came into my arm and it gradually pulled me a couple of feet from the other man. “What is that, brother? He is in love with you because I saw it in his eyes as clear as day, are you two together?” my twin doubted my words earlier about Lucas being my friend.

“No we’re not together, Julius. I know you know that I only love Dante.” I replied truthfully.

Julius sighed after letting go of my arm. “Forgive me, I am just afraid that something like before might happened again.” he inhaled a deep anxious breath.

“I don’t think so because to be honest, I feel like I am the one who is using him and not the other way around. He is a kind man and he is always there for me. I am taking advantage of his compassion.” I explained antipathy of myself.

“He is a good man which sometimes makes me wonder why can’t be him?” I added, quite distress over the fact that my heart chose to fall in love with an engaged man instead of a decent person like Lucas.

If only I can control my heart, then my love will never be this painful.

―

It was already past winter dusk. The heaven was shrouded in midnight blue color with the last shade of pale blue disappearing in the horizon and a myriad of stars were beginning to transpire across the dark sky – it was a perfect natural setting for the upcoming fireworks.

“Are you still not eating it?” Lucas snapped me from my trance as we stood next to each other among the crowds, and I looked at the cooled uneaten half apple in my gloved hand.

“Uh no I’ll eat it. I just spaced out, I’m sorry.” I took a bite on the fruit and the cold but delicious taste of the apple spread inside my mouth.

It had been more than half an hour since my brother left and the words I said to him earlier is still lingering in my head, in some way it made me think whether did my lover felt like that too during our affair or not, anyhow I kind of understand why he blamed me for his guilt.

I can fathom it so well I was really starting to blame myself for everything.

“Do you want to sit somewhere?” my companion asked me and I noticed that we can hardly move an inch because of the increase in the audience around us hence I nodded in silent response since my mouth was still full.

He held my hand in his before leading the both of us out from the gathering of people and coming into the frozen fountain where uninterested individuals took refuge.

I disposed the apple seeds after finishing it upon finding an empty seat on the fountain edge.

The water on the bottom was now made of solid but transparent ice since I was able to see thousands of gold and silver coins in it, with sharp ice glazes embellishing the rest of the fountain. It looked lifeless but fantastic just like my heart, broken but it still loving someone truly.

“Cold are we?” Lucas sneaked a peek under my bangs that fell down on my face and hid my cheerless eyes.

“A little bit.” I pushed my hair back while burying my chin in my muffler.

I was busy struggling to warm myself from the weather when he unexpectedly captured one of my hands and he proceeded to remove the mitten just before holding onto it and putting them inside the empty pocket of his brown paletot coat.

Then I felt his fingers intertwining with mine.

I was about to protest to him when a sound of a firework shooting up in the air rang into our ears and we both looked up to see a blast of bright pixies materialized in front of our eyes, it was so beautiful it captivated our utmost attention that I managed to forget our joined hands.

The noise of people cooing in awe echoed throughout the town square and it didn’t stop as countless of fireworks were coming into life one after another.

Colorful sprinkles of light continued to burst above us like a shower of shooting stars.

“I love you, Julian.” he mumbled to me and I shifted to glance at him but only to meet those chestnut eyes of him so tender and honest. He gripped our hands gently together and it made my heart ceased from beating.

But soon it resumed though it was no longer in the same beat because it was thumping so loudly like a hard drum inside my chest and by then I soon realized that I was starting to fall for him.

I was falling in love for this man.

Gravity hauled my entire body down profoundly that I simply sat there motionless. Deep breathing came in and out of my lungs, preventing any words and sounds from escaping my mouth.

Lucas let out a smile before withdrawing his gaze from me and returned to watch the continuing display of fireworks, nevertheless I didn’t or should I say I couldn’t. His face that would be illuminated by colorful lights now and then entrapped my mind into nothing but only the image of him.

Emotions flooded into my soul and enveloped my heart with pure warmth that I was already far melting inside.

Thereafter, I laid my silver eyes on his lips. I had the impulse to feel those fascinating lips of his on mine. Would those lips kissed me the same way he kissed me that time? I wonder if I’ll be disgusted and bit him again although a part of me tells me otherwise.

I freed my hand from his and he didn’t object because he probably thought I was rejecting him like usual however my hand reached to his face and soon my demanding fingers came into contact with his warm cheeks whereas I hesitated not on giving it a soft caress.

He looked at me astonished and there it crossed in my mind on what I just did.

I gasped appalled and stunned of my action.

“I...I...” I strived to think for a sensible reason, except I couldn’t think of one and that made me both restless and unsure of myself thus I stood up without a word before fleeing from the place. I heard him calling my name but I persisted on breaking through the crowds and soon I lost him.

―

The resonance of fireworks blasting and people cheering in admiration were no longer resounding to me, it must have already ended or it might be because I ran quite a distance from the place.

Silent eerie of the night lurked around me here in the main street. I stood by near an outdoor light post in attempt to catch my breath. Few barouches and clarence carriages were ambling on the road.

I don’t want to fall in love with Lucas. I thought to myself.

I don’t want to because I was already in love with another man. I denied for the good reason of not being unfaithful to my lover and also for the intention of not hurting the other. I know how it feels to be in love with someone who doesn’t belong to you and it hurts.

That pain was something I was not willing to give him.

Lucas was a generous man and he doesn’t deserve my heart knowing that he’ll only have half of it while the other half was in someone else’ possession. Why does everything have to be so difficult for me?

“Julian?” a familiar voice called behind me and in spite of being troubled, I still turned and I came face to face of the man I don’t want to be in love with.

“I’m sorry for...” before I could finish apologizing for leaving him abruptly a while ago, he raced towards me and went to imprison me in an embrace that only stimulated my heart to beat even harder and more intense than a couple of minutes ago.

“I thought I lost you.” he muttered in absolute worry.

His concern for me stirred the emotions inside me but I kept on rebuffing it. This amazing man in my arms need an honest love solely for him only and I don’t think he’ll see that in me however thinking along that line somewhat brought pain in my chest.

Why does it have to be this way? I don’t want to be in love with the two of them at the same time.

I was worse than the most horrible unfaithful man and I was committing something so awful than betrayal itself. This was not the second chance I want myself to have, certainly and definitely not in this kind of way.

Why was my heart making this much more complicated for me than already it was. Why can’t I just control and teach my heart to love whoever I choose to love?

I don’t want my heart to be torn into two.

C O M M E N T AND V O T E