Shows were a blur. I tried my best to enjoy myself, knowing this was everything I had ever asked for, and yet.. it was nothing like how I dreamed. At least back home, they knew our songs. No one prepares you for how terrifying it is to play your life's work to blank stares, barely moving as they practically look down at their watch.

I knew I couldn't be too upset.

It wasn't like they were there for us anyway.

But on top of that, it just felt like something was missing. Like a part of me was missing.

And I knew it was.

Jaime.

Whenever I dreamt of getting to do this, she was who I saw out in the crowd, standing in the wings, always right there to give me an encouraging smile and wave. It was all I needed. And now I missed it more than ever.

I couldn't wait to see her again. I would never take advantage of a single second I had with her, knowing how badly it felt when she wasn't around. It got to the point where my favorite point of the night was when I finally got to climb back into the van and read one of her letters to me. I had decided to limit it to one a night in order to make it last for as long as I could, but I knew once they ran out, I would feel empty again.

Dear Jake,

I hope you're having fun out there. I'm sure you are, but I hope you haven't forgotten to take care of yourself. I'm sure things can get out of hand, but.. just make sure you're coming back to me in one piece.

I also hope you're remembering to write things down. This is a life changing experience and I know there's no way you're going to remember it all. I'd love to read all about your time out on the road once you get back. I know you could always call but.. I love how you write, and I'm sure it would sound much more poetic if you wrote about it.

Living out of a van can only be so glamorous, but I'm sure you could make it sound like a palace.

I miss you so much, but hopefully you already know that. I'm sure by the time you read this, I've already told you enough to last a lifetime, but that doesn't mean I mean it any less. If anything, I miss you more than ever now.

Please call me whenever you want. I know you'll want to be nice if it's late, but just know that no matter what time it is, where of us are, I will always answer. Your voice is my favorite thing.

Until next time..

Yours <3,

Jaime.

I folded it up, carefully placing it back into the folder with her others, knowing that I would be keeping them forever. For these few minutes every night, it was like she was really here with me, and it made it that much easier to keep going.

But I don't know how much longer I could go without her.

Days were a blur without them, nothing but the rising and setting sun to prove that time was passing. It had gotten to the point where even my mom started to come and check on me; that really made me realize just how hard I was taking everything.

She sat down on the edge of my bed, gently rubbing my leg over the top of my blankets.

"Honey, you need to get up." She said softly. "This isn't healthy."

But the truth is, I just couldn't.

I saw no reason to, eventually convincing myself that the longer I just stayed asleep, the sooner they would be here.

"Why don't you go for a walk and.. then maybe when you get back, you and I can do something together." She said, forcing a sympathetic smile. I appreciated her trying. Cause despite wanting to be alone, that was actually the last thing I wanted.

"I know you miss him, Jaime, but you have to take care of yourself too." And I knew she was right, especially considering how much I pestered Jake about taking care of himself, it was starting to become hypocritical.

"Y-yeah, I'll.. I'll get up." I finally muttered, pushing myself up. She held her stare on me, still not convinced until I was finally physically out of my bed.

We had gone through this conversation before, without me actually leaving my room. I could tell she wasn't going to leave until I did this time.

"How about.. we go downstairs and I make us something to eat." She said cheerfully, going over and leaning in the doorway, continuing to watch me. I sighed, nodding, not able to remember when I had last eaten.

"Okay, I just.." I started, peeking over at Jake's journal. I had always started every day reading one of his journal entries, it was the closest thing I had to getting to start the morning with him when he couldn't call.

"I'll be right down." I said. She held her stare on me for a moment. "I promise." Eventually she nodded, giving me another gentle smile before shutting the door behind her, making her way down the hallway.

I reached over, grabbing his journal, flipping to the front. I couldn't help but smile at how much messier young Jake's hand writing was, the idea of him sitting down to write these, when he was so little..

Who knew he had always been such a romantic.

Dear Journal,

Jaime came over to play today. She's so nice and cute. I don't know why it's so hard to talk to her. She always smiles at me. It makes me nervous.

It seems like Josh is her favorite, which hurts my feelings a little. I want her to like me too. But she seems like she LIKE likes him, and he told me that he LIKE likes her too and that no one else is allowed to.

I don't think that's fair.

Because what if she changes her mind?

I've been writing a song for her. I started it on the day she moved in but it's been hard to find good words for it. I've been listening to a lot of stuff to help me though, like a lot of songs I know she likes when we listen to them in the car together. She sings along to some of them and then Mom finds them for me later.

I like when she sings. She has a nice voice.

Maybe one day when I finish the song for her, maybe she could change her mind, and LIKE like me back too. I don't think I could ever tell her I LIKE like her though, not unless I knew she LIKE liked me first. Because then things could get weird and then she might not want to talk to me anymore.

So I think I'd rather be her friend then have her not want to play with me at all.

I wonder what's going to happen when we get older though. I know some of the kids in class are already boyfriend and girlfriend. So I wonder if that means Jaime and Josh will be boyfriend and girlfriend, and then they won't want to hang out with me anymore, because when you're boyfriend and girlfriend you only hang out with each other and no one else cause privacy.

Which I will understand.

If Jaime was my girlfriend I would want her to only hang out with me too.

No other boys allowed.

Not even Josh.

My face hurt from smiling so much. I couldn't believe after all these years, this was how he had always felt. If only he knew how much I "LIKE-liked" him too.

Okay, well we're all gonna go outside tonight and have a fire in the backyard and maybe if I'm brave enough, I'll sit next to her and if she lets me, maybe we can hold hands. But maybe not. I will write back tomorrow about what happens.

From,

Jake.

We didn't hold hands that night.

But how badly I wanted to.