The apartment is quiet. Too quiet.

When I don't spot Jesmyn, panic overcomes me. Leilani and Dahlia should've been here, or at least one of them. It isn't until I hear Leilani's muffled voice through the guest bedroom door, do I release a sigh of relief. I don't have time to ask if she's okay, and turn to look for my youngest sister.

"Jesmyn!" I call out, fingers twiddling with the elf-themed gift bag. "Peanut! Where are you?"

Either she chooses to ignore me, or she doesn't want to be found. But as soon as I enter the living room space, the dimly lit balcony catches my attention-or rather the little figure huddled into one of the chairs.

My shoulders drop as I make my way towards her. I lifted up the window leading to the balcony, stepping over the little wall between us. Her legs are crossed, palms intertwined in her lap. I notice her dozing off, head dropping until I reach her side.

"Hey, peanut. What's my favourite girl-" I don't have the time to react when she throws her arms around my neck and rests her head on my shoulder. I place the gift bag beside me and close my arms around her and pick her up before resuming to sit in her previous spot. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

"It's Christmas tomorrow," she says, staring up into the starry sky. Her voice is quiet, a whisper fading with the wind. Cheek pressed against my chest, her words come out a muffled murmur as she continues to speak, "Are we going to see Mum and Dad tomorrow? They said they'd be with... with Kenji and me this Christmas."

Judging by the way her words are hesitant-almost afraid to mention the bitch I call a mother and her deadbeat dad-I fear she knows the answer. At only five-years old, Jesmyn was much too self-aware; as much as I hated it, she had to mature quickly. When she should've been enjoying her youth, she and Kenji were busy cleaning up her empty beer bottles, attempting to look not only after themselves, but their supposed caregiver too.

And I blamed myself entirely for that. Had I not upped and left for Manchester, they would never have had to lift a single finger. It's a burden I'd carry with me for a lifetime. All I seem to keep doing is fucking up.

"Not this Christmas, peanut," I say, swallowing thickly. My palm strokes her hair as she shifts against me, curling up into a ball. I hug her tighter, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head as I attempt to rock her to sleep.

"Judah," she sniffles. "You say that every Christmas. Why don't they want to be here for Christmas? Did I do something wrong? ...Is it because I accidentally ruined Mum's dress? She- she got really angry at me."

"Jesmyn!" I say sharply. "Don't you ever blame yourself, sweetheart... Did she hit you?"

I'm afraid to hear her response, clenching my teeth in frustration. This wasn't supposed to happen. None of this was meant to happen. Jesmyn's hesitancy was evident. Her shoulders tense beneath my palm, shaking her head. And that was all it took for me to see red.

"She's not going to hurt you anymore, sweetheart." Her small hands clutch onto the fabric of my jacket, and before I know it her shoulders are shaking. The soft sounds of her whimpers and cries make me want to do nothing more than punch a wall.

I was mad at my mother. At myself. And the guilt of declining the chance to return to London at every given opportunity was eating me up; had I came back this wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have let it happen. I'd walk through hell before I let it happen again,

God, this was a fucking mess.

"She... she used to-" her words are indecipherable through her sobs and hiccups, chest heaving as she attempts to string together a coherent sentence. On instinct, I grab a tissue, bringing it to her nose to wipe away the snot before she speaks up again. "She locked us- locked us in the closet every time she went out. And... and she'd throw her beer bottles at us. Sometimes she- she would hit us for no reason, but we said sorry and it was fine!" She quickly picks up, voice shaking as she attempts to justify why our bastard mother would hit a child.

My eyes burn, blinking slowly as I try to comprehend what she just said. I look down at her, watching as she lifts her shirt to show me her stomach. The scar on her stomach. "It was my-"

I don't give her the chance to finish her sentence; instead, I'm fumbling to place her on the empty seat beside me, almost sprinting to the bathroom. And as soon as my knees hit the cold, hard ground, I throw up.

My body goes slack, tipping my head back to catch my breath. The bitter tang of bile clogs my throat before I clean myself up, gargling with mouthwash to get rid of the disgusting taste. I find myself beside Jesmyn within minutes, arms instantly curling around her body to cradle her.

There's something wet on my cheek.

"Why are you crying, Judah? Did I- did I do something wrong?" She frowns, brown eyes staring up at me in concern.

The back of my palm swipes across my cheek in haste. I clear my throat and shake my head. My eyes burn-I do want to cry-there's a pressure on my chest, head throbbing and a growing lump in my throat. "No, no, no. I'm... I'm so sorry," I mumble into her hair, arms tightening around her body. "I'm so sorry, peanut. I'm so sorry."

It's the only thing I seem to mutter. I don't want to cry in front of Jesmyn. I can't. I need to find Leilani, Dahlia and Valentino. I need to see Kenji. If Jesmyn got it this bad, I can't imagine how bad it was for Kenji.

My head fucking hurt.

"I promise, Jesmyn... This Christmas-and the many Christmases to come-will be the best."

She hugs me tighter.

Because if there's anything I've learnt over the past few months, it's that I can't control my past. I can't beat myself up over something I have no control over-and I'm still learning; it'll take me a long time before I forgive myself and learn to be better, for not being here, for being such a shit fucking person in general... for hurting Aiyana-but I can only try my best, and if that's all I can do, then so be it.

I don't care how long it takes.

I'll try my best.

n e ways. wowwwww. it's been a hot minute!! i would apologise but i do this all the time oops 🙊

how we all doing? what's new? what's good?

enjoy the chapter??

sorry for the trash ass update. it was a last minute thing, but hopefully y'all gO EASIER ON MY BOY ?? CAUSE RHE SLANDER i totally get 🤣 nah but pls respect my man. he's got it hard <3

and thank you all for reading! can't quite believe we're almost at 500k reads. love you all so much mwah mwah

stay safe and stay blessed. hopefully see you soon! 💕

ALSO THIS IS NOT PROOF READ. I DONT KNOW IF JESMYN IS ACTUALLY FIVE?? I CANT REMEMBER BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THIS, SHE IS 5!

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